The advantages of being over 50

  1. Kidnappers are no longer interested in you.
  2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 
  3. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 
  4. People call at 9pm and ask "Did I wake you?"
  5. Things you buy now won't wear out. 
  6. You can eat dinner at 4pm. 
  7. You can live without sex (but not without glasses). 
  8. You have a party and the neighbours won't even realise. 
  9. You stop trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room. 
  10.  Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 
  11. You know all the words to the music played in elevators.
  12. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the weather forecast.
  13. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 

I do not speak too quickly!

Here's the proof, there is a bit of swearing in here, but you probably won't catch it:-

New Year's Resolutions

In celebration of Ditch New Year's Resolution Day.

New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance Of  Keeping

  1. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL"
  2. I will start using Facebook for something other than Farmville.
  3. I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 Facebook accounts. 
  4. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own. 
  5. I will lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!
  6. I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet. 
  7. I will read the manual.
  8. I will spend less than $1000 for coffee at Starbucks this year. 
  9. I will stop repeating myself again, and again, and again. 
  10.  I will think of a password other than "password" 
New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep
  1. I will read less.
  2. I will gain weight. 
  3. I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier shop.
  4. I will stop wasting my time exercising. 
  5. I will watch more TV. 
  6. I will procrastinate more. 
  7. To save the planet, I will do less laundry. 
  8. I will drink more. 
  9. I will spend more time at work. 
  10. I will eat out more.