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Tough Interview Questions

Job review company Glassdoor have compiled a list of the toughest interview questions by country. Here are the toughest from the UK for 20...

"Pun"ctuation and grammar

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A question mark walks into a bar?

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

The cost of the 12 Days of Christmas - 2017

Every year the Consumer Price Index calculates the cost of the 12 Days of Christmas.  It should come as no surprise that this year the 12 gifts will cost slightly more than last year. In 2016 the price of the ’12 days’ totaled $34,363.49 compared to this year’s $34,558.65.

Three gifts saw an increase ranging from 2% to 10%: the partridge in a pear tree, the five gold rings, and the 10 lords-a-leaping.

Here’s a breakdown of the cost for each day:

A partridge in a pear tree will cost $220 compared to $210 last year. The price  of partridges remained the same but the cost of pear trees has gone up.
Two turtle doves are the same as 2016 at $375.
Three French hens are the same price this year at $182.
Four calling birds were still $600.
Five gold rings did go up this year to $825 compared to last year's $750.
Six geese-a-laying is the same in 2017 as in 2016 at $360.
Seven swans-a-swimming is one of the most expensive items on the list, but it held steady from 2016 to 2017 at $13,125. 
No wage rise for eight maids-a-milking  which stayed at $58.
Nine ladies dancing, the most expensive item in the 12 days remained unchanged at $7,553.
Ten lords-a-leaping went up too, but it was the only labour group that saw an increase after two years of staying steady. In 2017 the price is $5,619, up $110 from 2016.
Eleven pipers piping remained unchanged from last year at $2,708.
Twelve drummers drumming had a 0% change from last, holding at $2, 934.
For 2017, the total cost of the Twelve Days of Christmas is $34,559.

That's inflation for you.

A(nother) letter to America

For Monday's reading session.

Allegedly penned by John Cleese, but research shows that it is a reworking of an old joke. That said, it's still funny:-

To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there’s a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. Look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check “aluminium” in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’. Likewise you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.” Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed.” There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows. 
  2. There is no such thing as “US English.” We’ll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’. 
  3.  You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as ‘Taggart’ will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire. 
  4. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. 
  5. You should stop playing American “football.” There’s only one kind of football. What you call American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays “American” football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every two seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies) You should stop playing baseball. It’s not reasonable to host event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 
  6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler. 
  7.  July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 11th will be a new national holiday. It will be called “Indecisive Day.” 
  8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 
  9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t French, they’re Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. 
  10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer.” Substances once known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 
  11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or “Gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it). 
  12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you’re not adult enough to be independent. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. 
  13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy. 
  14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). 

Thank you for your co-operation.