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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

Happy Christmas

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

----------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

--------

FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

-------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.

-------

FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November 2004

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian ******** I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your ******* salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The ##### from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-------

FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 9th November 2004

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

Famous Quotes or Insipid Quotes depends on your frame of mind.........

Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything."
- Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
- Shaquille O'Neal, basketball player, on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather."
- Arab News report

"Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again."
- Barbara Boxer, Senator

"City fathers were hoping to raise enough money to erect a new bronze statue of the Duck of Wellington."
- BBC commentator

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"Cod are not very good swimmers so they are easily overtaken by trawlers and nets."
- British government report on why cod fish are disappearing from the North Sea.

"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
- Budapest Zoo sign

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President

"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
- Decca Records Rejecting the Beatles, in 1962

"The world is more like it is now then it ever has before."
- Dwight Eisenhower

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
- Greg Norman, Golfer

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"Whenever I watch TV and I see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I would love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey, Pop Singer

"I say no to drugs, but they don't listen."
- Marilyn Manson, Singer

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
- Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.

"If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it."
- Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company

"Guys aren't able to get $15 or $20 million anymore, so you have to play for the love of the game."
- Penny Hardaway, NBA Basketball Player

"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

"Facts are stupid things."
- Ronald Reagan, Former U.S. President

"Elephants Please Stay In Your Car."
- Safari park sign

"I consider Madonna a friend, and she sure knows how to work the publicity machine. Of course, I don't have breasts. If I did have, I'd be in the number one spot over Madonna."
- Spike Lee, Director

"I'm someone who has a deep emotional attachment to Starsky and Hutch."
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. president

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
- Terry Venables

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"Minks are mean little critters. Vicous, horrible little animals who eat their own. They're not beavers. I wouldn't wear beavers. I'd rather have a mink coat made of mean little critters that are killed in a very nice way and treated nicely for their short, mean lives so that I could keep warm."
- Valerie Perrine, Actress

"They are not jackbooted Nazi thugs. They are merely German policemen in spiffy uniforms here to help us."
- Vichy government (1941 - 1945)

I say. Say what?

It can be socially disastrous for Americans and the British to visit each other's countries without carrying a table of phrase equivalents. That's because they use the same words and phrases to describe different things.

For example, the British wear "vests" under their shirts. Their vests are what Americans call "undershirts." Americans wear suspenders to hold up their pants, while in Britain suspenders hold up lady's stockings.

My favorite is the American "orchestra seats," which offer a close-up view of a play or concert. In Britain you would be sitting in the "stalls," something that Americans sitting in orchestra seats would repair to at intermission, or whenever nature calls.

-The Joy of Trivia by Bernie Smith (edited for inconsistencies by me)

Chinese mystery dish

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

......


Ah, I'm so sorry," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck"

Customer Helpline?

This is supposedly an actual dialogue betweem a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee and a customer.


Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Support: "What sort of trouble?"
Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away"
Support: "Went away?"
Customer: "They disappeared."
Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Customer: "Nothing."
Support: "Nothing?"
Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Customer: "How do I tell?"
Support: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Support: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Customer: "What's a monitor?
Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Customer: "I don't know."
Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Customer: "Yes, I think so."
Support: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Customer: "Yes, it is."
Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Customer: "No."
Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Customer: "Okay, here it is."
Support: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Customer: "I can't reach."
Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Customer: "No."
Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Customer: "Dark?"
Support: "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Support: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Customer: "I can't."
Support: "No? Why not?"
Customer: "Because there's a power failure."
Support: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Support: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Support: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Support: "Tell them you're too ####### stupid to own a computer.

Rule Britannia

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

An impressive 2345 Brits a year are admitted to A&E having impaled themselves whilst sitting on their remote controls.

89 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

and finally.........

In 2000, 8 Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

RULE BRITANNIA!

More Barker - The Anti-Shoddy-Goods Committee

Ronnie Barker monologue: "Good evening. My name is Jimmy Dimwiddie. Now, I want to talk to you tonight about an important consumer organization called The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee. Now the purpose of The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee is to protect you from the crafty baddies that are selling goods that are grotty, dirty, dowdy, gaudy or shoddy.

"Now let's take an example. Supposing you go into a pet shop and they try to sell you a mangy corgi or a pudgy budgie or a namby pamby bambi that you think is a ruddy pansy? Don't get bally huffy with the shop assistant chappie. Just come along to us, and in a jiffy, if you're lucky, we'll thrash out the nitty gritty and clear up the hanky panky. We love the hurly burly of a juicy argie bargie, and we will not shilly shally until all is hunky dory.

"And the same applies to buying a house. We're the people to complain to if an estate agent tries to sell you a filthy, slummy semi with a nasty sooty chimney with a topsy turvy study and a gloomy, dingy lobby that's as nifty and as smelly as a privvy in the navy. Or a baby in a nappy. Or a cosi in Bengazi.

"Now, a lot of compaints we receive, of course, are about food in restaurants. The other day a man came in and told us that he'd taken his wife out to dinner in the West End. And he'd ordered a suki yaki with some really spicy chutney. And a cup of milky coffee and a scrummy chocky bickie. The hoity toity flunky with some gravy on his dicky brought them yucky tutti frutti and it didn't have a jelly. Then they found a creepy crawly had committed hari kari in a sticky roly poly on the mucky sweetie trolly.

"And the chilli wasn't beefy and the turkey was all tacky and the plate of minestrone tasted more like cockaleekie. And his tummy felt quite rummy for the cafe was so sleazy, he contracted beri beri and was feeling mighty queasy. When he went to spend a penny, he felt such a silly billy, he couldn't dilly dally, it just happened willy nilly.

"He was looking really pique-y and was feeling really grotty and he spent all day on Sunday sitting sadly on the potty. So, he came along to us, The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee and we told him very plainly why he felt so ruddy shi ... er, shocky.

"So, if you've bought a whiskey and it's made you rather frisky, or are just a little cookie that's looking for some nookie, or if you're feeling dicky and if Dickie takes the mickey or if you're feeling in the pinkie and if Pinkie's feeling perky or if Perky's feeling rocky and Rocky's feeling kinky, then you'll all be very lucky if you don't end up in Chucky.

"You can do the Hokey Cokey, it's jolly hockey sticky if the wicket is all sticky and the nicky nacky noo! If the goods are shoddy, there's no good to anybody and the only thing to do is Hinky pinky parlez vous!

"And if you think that'll do any good, by golly, you must be pretty silly, ruddy crazy or just jolly sloppy! Nightie nightie."

An interpreter's advice to English teachers

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations, or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable, philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a clarified conciseness, a compacted comprehensibleness, coalescent consistency, and a concatenated cogency. Eschew all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.

Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and veracious vivacity, without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolixity, psittaceous vacuity ventriloquial verbosity, and vaniloquent vapidity. Shun double-entendres, prurient jocosity, and pestiferous profanity, obscurant or apparent!! And, don't teach with big words!

The possibilities of changing just "1" letter in a word

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's {2005} winners:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you
realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running
late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.

More Barker - Pisrmronunciation

"Good evening. I am the president of the Loyal Society for the Relief of Suffers from Pismronunciation, for the relief of people who can't say their worms correctly, or who use the wrong worms entirely, so that other people cannot underhand a bird they are spraying. It's just that you open your mouse, and the worms come turbling out in wuck a say that you dick not what you're thugging to be, and it's very distressing.

"I'm always looing it, and it makes one feel umbumftorcacle, especially when one is going about one's diddly tasks. Slopping at the Sloopermarket, for instance. Only last wonk, I approached the chuckout point, and I shooed the ghoul behind the crash desk the contents of my trilly, and she said 'All right, granddad, shout 'em out.' Well, of course, that's fine for the ordinary man in the stoat who has no dribble with his wolds. For someone like myself, it's worse than a kick in the jackstrop.

"Sometimes, you get stuck on one letter, such as wubbleyou. And I said, 'Well, I've got a tin of woup, a woucumber, two packets of wheese and a walliflower'. She tried to make fun of me and said, 'That will be woo pounds, wifty-wee pence.' So I just said 'Wobblers!' and walked out.

"So you see how dickyfelt it is. But help is at hand. A new society has been formed by our mumblers to help each other in times of excream ices. It is balled Pismronouncers Unanimous, and anyone can ball them up on the smellyphone any time of the day or note, twenty-four flowers a spray, seven stays a creek, and they will come 'round and get drunk with you.

"For foreigners, there will be inperpetwitters, who will all speak many sandwiches, such as Swedish, Turkish, Burkish, Jewish, Gibberish and Rubbish. Membranes will be able to attend tight stool, for heaving classes, to learn how to grope with the many complinkities of the daily loaf.

"Which brings me to the drain reason for squeaking to you tonight. The society's first function as a body was a grand garden freight, and we hope for many more bodily functions in the future. The garden plate was held in the grounds of Blennham Paleyass, Woodstick, and the guest of horror was the great American pip singer, Manny Barrellow. The fete was opened by the bleeder of the opposition, Mister Dale Pinnock ... Pillock, who gave us a few well-frozen worms in praise of the society's jerk. He said that 'In the creeks and stunts that lie ahead, we must do out nut roast to ensure that it sucks weeds.' "And everyone visited the various stores and abrusements, the rudeabouts, thing boats and the dodgers, and of course, all the old favorites such as Srty your Length, guessing the weight of the cook and tinning the pale on the wonky. The occasion was great fun, and I think it can safely be said that all the men present and thoroughly good women were had all the time.

"So, please join out society. Write to me, Doctor Small Pith, The Spanner, Poke Moses, and I will send you some brieflets to browse through and a brass badge to wear in your loophole."

In tribute to Ronnie Barker - English genius

Best Lines from the Two Ronnies:-

On a packed show tonight, we'll be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who can no longer make ends meet.

The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies.

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

And we will be speaking to the scientist who crossed a yard of ale beer glass with a Chinese vase and a chamber pot, to get a ping-pong-piddle-high-po.

The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but hopes to be back on duty tomorrow.

Ronnie Corbett (shop assistant): There you are, four candles.
Ronnie Barker: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!

Ronnie Barker: There now follows a sketch featuring ghosties and ghoulies.
Ronnie Corbett: In which I get caught by the ghosties...
Ronnie Barker: And I get caught by surprise!

Tonight, we'll be asking: "Should all married couples be frank and earnest, or should one of them be a woman..."

"...and we will be speaking to the disillusioned vet who, in James Herriott style, is writing his memoirs, under the working title of 'All Creatures Grunt and Smell'.

Im speaking on behalf of people who have trouble with worms, they can't pronounce their worms properly.

Grecian 2000 have assured greying men that there product will still work after midnight on Millennium eve.

As a butler: Your biscuits, milady", "your crackers, milord"... and "Your sweet, milady", "your nuts, milord"...


Best lines from Porridge:-

We dug another tunnel, and hid the dirt in there.


What have I learned, Mr Mackay? Three things. One - bide your time. Two - keep your nose clean. And three - don't let the bastards grind you down.

Doctor: I want you to fill one of those containers for me.
Fletcher (other side of the room): What, from 'ere?

Fletcher: "My aunt did some missionary work Mr Mackay."
Mr Mackay: "Oh yes Fletcher where was that?"
Fletcher: "Glasgow I think."


Fletcher (In hospital ward): My foot's gone to sleep and I'd like to catch it up.

(Playing Monopoly) Would you Adam and Eve it? Go to jail!

Best lines from Open All Hours:-

Arkwright: Don't just crit there siticising!

Arkwright (who suffered from a stutter): How many Ps in per per per per peppers, six or seven?"

Granville: "This Jamaican ginger cake's not from Jamaica."
Arkwright: "So? We sell Mars bars, don't we?"

Arkwright: What he comes in for is his business. What he goes out with is my business.

As himself:-

To get a job where the only thing you have to do in your career is to make people laugh-well, it's the best job in the world.


Most famous sign off:-

Ronnie Corbett: So it's good night from me...
Ronnie Barker: ...and it's good night from him. Good night!

Life Explained

On the first day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years."

Happily man went away.

On the second day, God created cow and said, "You must go into the field for man all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support man's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years."

Cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?"

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span."

Monkey said, "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back some like the cow did?"

So God agreed and took back 10.

On the fourth day, God created dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks by. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years."

Dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back 10 like the others?"

And God agreed again.

On hearing what had happened man came to God and said "I have only got 20 years to live. Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 cow gave back, the 10 monkey gave back, and the 10 dog gave back; that makes 80, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first 20 years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Excerpt from a cat's blog

> DAY 752 -
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

>

> DAY 761 -
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.

>

> DAY 765 -
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

>

> DAY 768 -
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called shampoo. What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

>

> DAY 771 -
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies."
Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

>

> DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return.
He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.

The Meaning Of Tingo

These fabulous examples have been collected by author Adam Jacot de Boinod into The Meaning Of Tingo - a collection of words and phrases from around the world.

Hawaiians, for instance, have 108 words for sweet potato, 65 for fishing nets - and 47 for banana.

Albanians have 27 separate expressions for the moustache:-

Madh means a bushy moustache, posht is a moustache hanging down at the ends and fshes is a long broom-like moustache with bristly hairs.

Eyebrows also get a look in - Vetullkalem describes pencil-thin eyebrows, vetullperpjekur are joined together eyebrows and those arched like the crescent moon are vetullhen.

Kummerspeck is a German word which literally means grief bacon: it is the word that describes the excess weight gained from emotion-related overeating.

A Putzfimmel is a mania for cleaning and Drachenfutter - literally translated as dragon fodder - are the peace offerings made by guilty husbands to their wives.

Die beleidigte Leberwurst spielen - to stick one's lower lip out in a sulk (literally, to play the insulted liver sausage).

A Backpfeifengesicht - a face that cries out for a fist in it.

The word uitwaaien is Dutch for walking in windy weather for fun.

The Maori-speakers of the Cook Islands sound like an enthusiastic bunch: the word toto is the shout given in a game of hide-and-seek to show readiness.

The Inuit word igunaujannguaq, literally meaning frozen walrus carcass. Is a game which involves the person in the centre of a ring trying to remain stiff as he is passed around the ring, hand over hand.

In the Netherlands plimpplampplettere means skimming stones.

Geshtenjapjeks is an Albanian who sells roast chestnuts on the street.

A koshatnik in Russian is a dealer of stolen cats.

A kualanapuhi is a Hawaiian officer who keeps the flies away from the sleeping king by waving a brush made of feathers.

In Turkey a cigerci is a seller of liver and lungs.

Danish have a fyrassistent - an assistant lighthouse keeper.

Spanish speakers in central America have a description of a government employee who only shows up on payday - an aviador.

Which brings us back to de Boinod's title: tingo is an invaluable word from the Pascuense language of Easter Island meaning "to borrow objects from a friend's house, one by one, until there's nothing left".

The Meaning of Tingo by Adam Jacot de Boinod is published by Penguin.

Excerpt from a dog's blog

> Day number 180

> 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

> 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!

> 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

> 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

> 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVOURITE!

> 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

> 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVOURITE!

>

> Day number 181

> 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

> 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!

> 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

> 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

> 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVOURITE!

> 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

> 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVOURITE!

>

> Day number 182

> 8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

> 9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVOURITE!

> 10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVOURITE!

> 11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

> 1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE GARDEN! MY FAVOURITE!

> 1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.

> 4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVOURITE!

> 5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVOURITE!

> 5:30 PM - OH BOY! MUM! MY FAVOURITE!

"How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?"

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Rottweiler: Make me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there.....

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

What is a cat?

Cats do what they want.
They rarely listen to you.
They're totally unpredictable.
When you want to play, they want to be alone.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They expect you to cater to their every whim.
They're moody.
They leave hair everywhere.


Conclusion:


They're tiny women in little fur coats.

What is a dog?

Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.
They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the next room.
They can look dumb and lovable at the same time.
They growl when they are not happy.
When you want to play, they want to play.
When you want to be alone, they want to play.
They leave their toys everywhere.
They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.

Conclusion:


They're tiny men in little fur coats

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and like to Complain About Our Pets

I have posted the following message on our front door:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (that's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs are better than kids... they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends (unless the cat that also lives here has a cat-nip addiction, but that won't kill him/her). They don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for university - and if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

Dear Dogs

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note: Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not automatically stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The hallway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the other end is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king-sized bed. I'm very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I'm also aware that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximise space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for many years - canine attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

Rules of life

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:-

You only need two things: WD-40 and Gaffer Tape.

Rule #1 - If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40.
Rule #2 - If it shouldn't move and does, use the gaffer tape.

It's all so simple really.

(Thanks James)

Best film lines of all time

"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn", Clark Gable in "Gone with the Wind", has been judged the greatest line of all time in a film.

Two lines by Marlon Brando, "I am going to make him a offer he can't refuse", from "The Godfather" and "I coulda been a contender" from "On the Waterfront" were second and third on the list.

The world's markets

The recent fluctuations on the world's markets have coined some new fun English:-

Helium was up, feathers were down.
Paper was stationary.
Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading.
Knives were up sharply.
Cows steered into a bull market.
Pencils lost a few points.
Hiking equipment was trailing.
Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.
Weights were up in heavy trading.
Light switches were off.
Mining equipment hit rock bottom.
Diapers remain unchanged.
Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.
The market for raisins dried up.
Coca Cola fizzled.
Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.
Sun peaked at midday.
Balloon prices were inflated.
And Scott Tissues touched a new bottom.

No regrets?

Have you ever said something and then regretted it? You are not alone...

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
Popular Mechanics magazine, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957

"But what is it good for?"
An engineer at the Advanced Computer Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
Ken Olson, president, chairman, and founder of Digital Equipment Corp, 1977

"So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't gone through college yet.'"
Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer

"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
Bill Gates, 1981

-----------

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
Drillers whom Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859

"Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction."
Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872

"The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon."
Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
Western Union internal memo, 1876

"Everything that can be invented has been invented."
Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U. S. Office of Patents, submitting his resignation in 1899

"Our schools have been scientifically designed to prevent overeducation from happening."
William Troy Harris, U. S. Commissioner of Education, 1889-1906

"Books will soon be obsolete in schools. . . . Our school system will be completely changed in the next ten years."
Thomas Edison, speaking about motion pictures, 1913

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?"
David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools."
New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work, 1921

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure deGuerre

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?"
H. M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau."
Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929

"I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper."
Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in Gone With the Wind

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out."
Decca Recording Co., rejecting the beatles, 1962

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a "C," the idea must be feasible."
A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make."
Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies

"You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can't be done. It's just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training."
Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the "unsolvable" problem by inventing Nautilus

"If I had thought about it, I wouldn't have done the experiment. The literature was full of examples that said you can't do this."
Spencer Silver on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3M "Post-It" Notepads

The language of science and medicine

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine.

• "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"
I didn't look up the original reference.

• "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"
These data are practically meaningless.

• "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"
An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

• "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"
The other results didn't make any sense.

• "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"
This is the prettiest graph.

• "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

• "IN MY EXPERIENCE"
Once

• "IN CASE AFTER CASE"
Twice

• "IN A SERIES OF CASES"
Three times

• "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"
I think.

• "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"
A couple of others think so, too.

• "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"
Wrong.

• "ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"
Rumor has it.

• "A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"
A wild guess.

• "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a
glass of beer.

• "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"
I don't understand it

• "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"
They don't understand it, either.

• "THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

• "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

• "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"
I quit.

Top Answers

James sent me this list according to the Reader's Digest...


Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

#1 ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Fear of Flying

As my thoughts turn to holidays and flying off to exotic locations I was pleased to be sent this:-

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action (if any) was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the nextflight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. As usual with these lists they start off fairly realistic and get a bit carried away towards the end...

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

(Doesn't this make you feel safer flying?)

Message to the president

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice.

Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it, so it went to the CIA, then to NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

MI-6 cabled the White House:

>

>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

Great signs

There are some great signs to be found:-

Sign on an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Sign outside a radiator repair shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

Sign on the door of a maternity room: "Push, Push, Push."

Sign on a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

Sign at an optician's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

Sign on a physisist's door: "Gone Fission"

Sign on a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

Sign on a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

Sign on another butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

Sign at a used car lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

Sign on a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

Sign at a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Sign outside an exhaust shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you
coming."

Sign outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

Sign at an auto body repair shop: "May we have the next dents?"

Sign in a dry cleaner's window: "Drop your pants here."

Sign on a receptionist's desk: "I shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

Sign in a vet's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Sign on a music teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

Sign on the door of a music library: "Bach in a minuet."

Sign in a beauty shop: "Dye now!"

Sign on the side of a rubbish lorry: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

Sign on the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

Sign in a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Sign inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

Sign in a cafe: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafe. Socks can eat any place they want."

Sign at the front of a funeral parlour: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

Sign in a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

Sign in front of a low entrance door: "Duck or grouse."

European English

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now officially the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the uvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

British Performance Evaluations

The British Military writes EPR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

  • His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
  • I would not breed from this Officer.
  • This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
  • When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
  • He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
  • He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
  • Technically sound, but socially impossible.
  • This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
  • This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
  • When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
  • This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
  • Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
  • She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
  • This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
  • In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
  • This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
  • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

Great Excuses

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):

  1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  11. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  12. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
  13. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
  14. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  15. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  16. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  17. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  18. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  19. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
  20. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Oxymorons

Act naturally

Airline food

Alone together

Business ethics

Butt head

Clearly misunderstood

Computer security

Definite maybe

Exact estimate

Extinct life

Found missing

Genuine imitation

Good grief

Government organisation

Jumbo Shrimps

Legally drunk

Military intelligence

Now, then . . .

Passive aggression

Peace force

Plastic glasses

Political science

Pretty ugly

Quiet riot

Rap music

Religious tolerance

Resident alien

Sanitary landfill

Small crowd

Soft rock

State worker

Sweet sorrow

Terribly pleased

Tight slacks

Working vacation

But my favourite still is "Microsoft Works"

Anagrams

An anagram is a word or phrase made by transposing or rearranging the letters of another word or phrase.

Dormitory = Dirty room
Evangelist = Evil's agent
Presbyterian - Best in prayer
The earth quakes = That queer shake
Alec Guinness = Genuine class
Desperation = A rope ends it
Semolina = Is no meal
Snooze alarms = Alas! No more zs.
The Morse Code = Here come dots
The eyes = They see
The Public Art Galleries = Large picture halls, I bet
Slot Machines = Cash lost in 'em
A Decimal Point = I'm a dot in place
Animosity = Is no amity
Eleven plus two = Twelve plus one
Contradiction = Accord not in it
George Bush = He bugs Gore
Election results = Lies let's recount
Astronomer = Moon starer

Thanks to Frances for this one:-

Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler

The longest one I know of:-

To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune."

And the Anagram:-

In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten.

And finally:-

That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind - Neil Armstrong

Becomes:-

A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! On to mars!

Interesting words and languages

  1. The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments).
  2. Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the capital" in the Korean language.
  3. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
  4. There are only four common words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. There's also annelidous, which you probably won't need - ever (unless you're a biologist (see comments).
  5. The "you are here" arrow on maps is called an ideo locator.
  6. The dot over the letter 'i' is called a tittle.
  7. The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.
  8. The symbol used in many URLs (Web addresses) is called a tilde. (~)
  9. The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
  10. In English, "four" is the only digit that has the same number of letters as its value.
  11. Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States.
  12. The word "trivia" comes from the Latin "trivium" which is the place where three roads meet, a public square. People would gather and talk about all sorts of matters, most of which were trivial.
  13. TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters only one row of the keyboard.
  14. "Speak of the Devil" is short for "Speak of the Devil and he shall come". It was believed that if you spoke about the Devil it would attract his attention. That's why when you're talking about someone and they show up people say "Speak of the Devil".
  15. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means, "the King is dead".
  16. Only three words have entered English from Czech: polka, pilsner, and robot.
  17. The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
  18. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
  19. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
  20. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary is:- pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis.
  21. The only other word with the same amount of letters as it is its plural:- pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconioses.
  22. The longest non-medical word in the English language is FLOCCINAUCINIHILIPILIFICATION, which means "the act of estimating as worthless".
  23. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
  24. The longest place-name still in use is:-'Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturi
    pukakapikimaungahoronukupokaiwe-nuakit natahu' it is the Maori name of a hill in New Zealand.
  25. The longest place name in the UK is Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, it means The name means: "St Mary's church in the hollow of the white hazel near to the rapid whirlpool and the church of St Tysilio of the red cave".
  26. The longest word in the Old Testament is "Malhershalahashbaz".
  27. Mafia in Old Arabic means 'sanctuary'.
  28. Some long running myths say that a pregnant goldfish is called a prat, twit, twat and twerp. The correct word is actually "gravid"which describes the conditon of a female livebearing fish when carrying young internally.
  29. Karaoke means 'empty orchestra' in Japanese.
  30. The first message tapped by Samuel Morse over his invention the telegraph was: "What hath God wraught?"
  31. The first words spoken by over Alexander Bell over the telephone were: "Watson, please come here. I want you.
  32. The first words spoken by Thomas Edison over the phonograph were: "Mary had a little lamb."
  33. "Papaphobia" is the fear of Popes.
  34. The Academy Award statue is named after a librarian's uncle. One day Margaret Herrick, librarian for the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, made a remark that the statue looked like her Uncle Oscar, and the name stuck.
  35. The three words in the English language with the letters "uu" are: vacuum, residuum and continuum.
  36. "Underground" is the only word in English that begins and ends with the letters "und."
  37. A baby in Florida was named: Truewilllaughinglifebuckyboomermanifestdestiny. His middle name is George James.
  38. 'Dreamt' is the only English word that ends in the letters 'mt'.
  39. The word 'Bye' is used in both English and Spanish meaning the same thing.
  40. "Pogonophobia" is the fear of beards.
  41. In Chinese, the words crisis and opportunity are the same. (Or not - see comments)
  42. The infinity character on the keyboard is called a "lemniscate".
  43. The valediction (thanks Erik) 'good bye' came from God bye which came from God be with you.
  44. So-long came from the Arabic salaam and the Hebrew shalom.
  45. The word 'nerd' was first coined by Dr. Seuss in 'If I ran the Zoo'.
  46. Before Jets, Jet lag was called Boat lag.
  47. The word "monosyllable" actually has five syllables in it.
  48. There are no words in the English language that rhyme with month, silver, purple or orange.
  49. The letter "n" ends all Japanese words not ending in a vowel.
  50. It is believed that Shakespeare was 46 around the time that the King James Version of the Bible was written. In Psalms 46, the 46th word from the first word is shake and the 46th word from the last word is spear.
  51. 'Zorro' means 'fox' in Spanish.
  52. The verb "to cleave" has definitions which are antonyms of each other: to adhere and to separate.
  53. The verb "sanction" also has definitions which are antonyms: to sponsor and to ban.
  54. You won’t find a "6" in Cameroon phone numbers--the native language has no sound for "x.
  55. "The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."
  56. There is a seven-letter word in English that contains eleven words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the, there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, I, therein, herein.
  57. Rhythm" and "syzygy" are the longest English words without vowels.
  58. "Go." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
  59. The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.
  60. There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which occurs five times: "indivisibility."
  61. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them would burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired." I wonder what "To get sacked" refers to?
  62. The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.
  63. The letter most in use in the English language is "E" and the letter "Q" is least used.
  64. "Four" is the only number whose number of letters in the name equals the number.
  65. This sentence has thirty seven letters in it.
  66. The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent.
  67. Monday is the only day of the week with an anagram — dynamo.

Thanks to everyone who has contributed to this over time. :)

The madness of pluralisation

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes; but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese, yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice; yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men, why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet, and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth, why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those, yet hat in the plural would never be hose, and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren, but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him, but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Career Choices

  1. My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
  2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
  3. After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.
  4. Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
  5. I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
  6. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
  7. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
  8. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
  9. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
  10. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
  11. I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
  12. I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
  13. My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
  14. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.

The importance of correct punctuation # 1

If you think punctuation doesn't matter - think again!

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear John,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me! For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria
_____________________________________________
And then there's always:-

An English professor wrote the words, "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."

On the Go

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh (pronounced go) had many relatives. Among them were:-

His obnoxious brother - Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt - Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes - Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle - Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store - Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia - U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois - Chica Gogh
His magician uncle - Wherediddy Gogh
His Italian uncle - Day Gogh
His Mexican cousin - Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother - Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach - Wellsfar Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt - Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco - Go Gogh
The bird lover uncle - Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst - E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin - Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking - Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew - Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van - Winnie Bay Gogh
His mathmatical wizard half brother - Gogh Figure

Job appraisals

Have you ever wondered what they really meant at your job appraisal? Here's an a - z list of common performance appraisal terms and their meaning:-

Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Character above reproach: One step ahead of the law.
Competent: Is able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with superiors often: A pain in the butt.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Does it the hard way.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Is unusually loyal: no one else wants them.
Judgment is usually sound: Lucky.
Keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Keen sense of humour: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organisation: Turns in work on time.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep his mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Keeps finding reasons to do anything except original work.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

Some questions for you

Some unanswered questions:-

Who put the Bomp in the Bomp-de-Bomp-de-Bomp?
Who placed the Dip in the Dip-de-Dip-de-Dip?
And just who is responsible for putting the Ram in the Ram-a-lama-Ding-Dong?

Politically Correct English # 1

Here are nearly 200 ways to say someone is mentally challenged:-



  1. 1 cylinder mind.
  2. 12 shy of a dozen.
  3. A bad spot on the disk.
  4. A couple of open splices.
  5. A couple of volts below threshold.
  6. A few beers short of a six-pack.
  7. A few bits shy of a word.
  8. A few bricks shy of a load.
  9. A few cans short of a six pack.
  10. A few clowns short of a circus.
  11. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
  12. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
  13. A few peas short of a casserole.
  14. A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
  15. A few screws loose.
  16. A few tiles missing from the Space Shuttle.
  17. A little light in his loafers.
  18. A loose chip on the micro processor.
  19. A quart low.
  20. About fifteen cents short.
  21. About a half a bubble off plumb.
  22. About three cents short of a dollar.
  23. Air between the ears.
  24. All booster - no payload.
  25. All crown - no filling.
  26. All foam, no beer.
  27. All the eggs in the same basket.
  28. All the lights don't shine in his marquis.
  29. All the marbles in one bag.
  30. An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
  31. Antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
  32. Attic's a little dusty.
  33. Back burner's not fully operational.
  34. Barking mad.
  35. Bats in the belfry.
  36. Belt doesn't go through all the loops.
  37. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
  38. Bonkers
  39. Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
  40. Cheese slid off the cracker.
  41. Chimney's blocked.
  42. Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
  43. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  44. CPU not connected to the bus.
  45. Crazy
  46. Crazy as a bucket of frogs.
  47. Crazy as a loon.
  48. Crazy as all get out.
  49. Dialing thumb must be broken.
  50. Doesn't have all the dogs barking.
  51. Doesn't have all the dogs on one leash.
  52. Doesn't have all the dots on the dice.
  53. Doesn't have all the cornflakes in one box.
  54. Doesn't have all the groceries in the same bag.
  55. Doesn't have both oars in the water.
  56. Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on.
  57. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
  58. Driving with two wheels in the sand.
  59. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
  60. Elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse.
  61. Elevator doesn't stop at every floor.
  62. Elevator's stuck between floors.
  63. Completely out of his / her tree.
  64. Flying on one engine.
  65. Forgot to pay the brain bill.
  66. Got a few wait states.
  67. Got a mind like a steel trap - anything entering gets crushed and mangled.
  68. Got a mind like a steel trap - full of mice.
  69. Got a mind like a steel trap--rusty and stuck closed.
  70. Got a screw loose.
  71. Got one boot stuck in the sand.
  72. Got the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
  73. Got the mental agility of a soap dish.
  74. Got two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it.
  75. Had a head crash.
  76. Half a brick short of a full load.
  77. Half a bubble off plumb.
  78. Half a quart low.
  79. Has a mind like a sieve.
  80. Hasn't got all the china in the cupboard.
  81. Hasn't got enough sense to come in out of the rain.
  82. Hasn't got enough sense to stay out of the rain.
  83. If brains were dynamite he/she couldn't blow his/her hat off.
  84. If brains were dynamite, he/she wouldn't have enough to blow his/her nose.
  85. If he/she had another brain, it would be lonely.
  86. In a world of Hard Disks, he/she is using a 1S-2D floppy for brains.
  87. In the shopping mall of the mind, he/she's in the toy department.
  88. It would be easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing!
  89. Judging by the old saying, "What you don't know can't hurt you," s/he's practically invulnerable.
  90. Leads 3 & 4 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
  91. Left the store without all the groceries.
  92. Light not buring too bright.
  93. Little red choo choo done jumped the track.
  94. Looney tunes.
  95. Loony as a jay bird.
  96. Loose chip in the micro processor.
  97. Loose wire to headset/ringer.
  98. Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
  99. Mainspring's wound too tight.
  100. Minus so many buttons
  101. Missing a few buttons on the remote control.
  102. Missing a few catalog cards.
  103. Missing a few gears.
  104. Missing a few marbles.
  105. Mouth is in gear, but the brain is in neutral.
  106. Nice house not much furniture.
  107. Nice house, but nobody home.
  108. Nine pence in the shilling.
  109. No grain in the silo.
  110. No one at the throttle.
  111. Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us!
  112. Not enough sandwiches for a picnic.
  113. Not firing on all four (six) (eight) cylinders.
  114. Not firing on all thrusters.
  115. Not hitting on all cylinders.
  116. Not playing with a full deck.
  117. Not playing with a full deck? hell he's not even in the game!
  118. Not running on full thrusters.
  119. Not too tightly wrapped.
  120. Nuts.
  121. Nutty as a fruitcake
  122. Off his/her rocker.
  123. Off his/her trolley.
  124. Oil doesn't reach the dipstick.
  125. One brick shy of a load.
  126. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
  127. One shingle shy a roof.
  128. One taco short of a combination plate.
  129. Only got one oar in the water.
  130. Only hitting on 7 cylinders.
  131. Only operating at about half a watt.
  132. Only playing with 51 cards.
  133. One card short of a full deck.
  134. Only playing with the jokers.
  135. On the batting end of a no-hitter.
  136. Over the Rainbow
  137. Paddling with one oar.
  138. Paged-out.
  139. Paralyzed from the neck up.
  140. Parked his/her head and forgot where he/she left it.
  141. Pin 8 is floating.
  142. Played football without a helmet.
  143. Playing hockey with a warped puck
  144. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  145. Raw cookie dough.
  146. Reading off an empty disk.
  147. Receiver is off the hook.
  148. Renewable energy source for hot air ballons.
  149. Riding a tippy canoe.
  150. Running at 400 baud.
  151. Running on empty.
  152. Sailboat fuel for brains.
  153. Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
  154. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
  155. Sewing machine's out of thread.
  156. Sharp as a bowling ball
  157. Short a few cards.
  158. Six bricks short of a full load.
  159. Six shy of a dozen.
  160. Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
  161. Skylight leaks a little.
  162. Slinky's kinked.
  163. Some bugs in the software.
  164. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, some just gargle.
  165. Somebody else is driving.
  166. Someone blew out the pilot light.
  167. Strong, like Bear... Smart, like Tractor.
  168. Surfing in Nebraska.
  169. Swapped out.
  170. Teflon brain (nothing sticks).
  171. The ace is missing from the deck.
  172. The blinds are up, but there's nobody home.
  173. The caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
  174. The carnival has closed.
  175. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
  176. The going got weird and he/she turned pro.
  177. The porch light is on, but there's nobody home.
  178. The reset line is glitching.
  179. The smoke doesn't make it to the top of his/her chimney.
  180. The synapses are about that far apart.
  181. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
  182. There's a leak in the ceiling.
  183. There's no wind in the windmills of his/her mind.
  184. Thick as a brick.
  185. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
  186. Toys in the attic.
  187. Two bits shy of a word.
  188. Two tacos short of a combination plate.
  189. Vacancy on the top floor.
  190. Was hiding behind the door when they passed out brains.
  191. Was napping in the nut pile the day that God was cracking nuts.
  192. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
  193. Welcome light on, but no one home.
  194. Wonder how many angels could dance on his/her head?
  195. Working with an unformatted disk.
  196. You can hear the wind wistling through the ears.
  197. His little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend.

What is your doctor really saying?

What is your doctor really saying...

"There is a lot of that going around." - That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"Well, what have we here..?" - He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." - I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"We have some good news and some bad news." - The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." - Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." - I have a 40% interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you." - He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." - I'm writing a paper and would like to use you as a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." - I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"This may hurt a little." - Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we..?" - I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up." - The drug company slipped me a fiver to prescribe this stuff.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" - You're crazier than an box of frogs. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me...
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." - I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thanks goodness I'm off next week.

And don't forget that doctors can make mistakes too!

Spelling is not important

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdnieag. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer inwaht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt!

You know what they say

Sent to me from James:-

IF YOU'RE TOO OPEN MINDED, YOUR BRAINS WILL FALL OUT.
AGE IS A VERY HIGH PRICE TO PAY FOR MATURITY.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
IF YOU MUST CHOOSE BETWEEN TWO EVILS, PICK THE ONE YOU'VE NEVER TRIED BEFORE.
MY IDEA OF HOUSEWORK IS TO SWEEP THE ROOM WITH A GLANCE.
IF YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR PASSPORT PICTURE, YOU PROBABLY NEED THE TRIP.
BILLS TRAVEL THROUGH THE MAIL AT TWICE THE SPEED OF CHEQUES.
A CONSCIENCE IS WHAT HURTS WHEN ALL YOUR OTHER PARTS FEEL GOOD.
A BALANCED DIET IS A COOKIE IN EACH HAND.
MIDDLE AGE IS WHEN BROADNESS OF THE MIND AND NARROWNESS OF THE WAIST CHANGE PLACES.
JUNK IS SOMETHING YOU'VE KEPT FOR YEARS AND THROW AWAY THREE WEEKS BEFORE YOU NEED IT.
THERE IS ALWAYS ONE MORE IMBECILE THAN YOU COUNTED ON.
EXPERIENCE IS A WONDERFUL THING. IT ENABLES YOU TO RECOGNIZE A MISTAKE WHEN YOU MAKE IT AGAIN.
THOU SHALT NOT WEIGH MORE THAN THY REFRIGERATOR.
SOMEONE WHO THINKS LOGICALLY PROVIDES A NICE CONTRAST TO THE REAL WORLD.

Australian Enquiries

The questions below about Australia, are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a lovely sense of humour.

Q: I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which doesn't...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in KingsCross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless and can be safely handled, and make good pets!

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Lexophile Fun with English Part 1

For all you lexophiles (lovers of words).

  1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
  2. A backward poet writes in verse.
  3. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  4. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
  5. Practise safe eating - always use condiments.
  6. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
  7. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
  8. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
  9. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
  10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?