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The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

First day of class - A guide for teachers

This was sent to me by an online student. I have rewritten it a bit:-

Wear a hood with one eyehole. Periodically make strange gurgling noises.

After confirming everyone's names on the attendance sheet, thank the class for attending "Advanced Astrodynamics 690" and mention that yesterday was the last day to drop.

After turning on the overhead projector, clutch your chest and scream "MY PACEMAKER!"

Gradually speak softer and softer and then suddenly point to a student and scream, "YOU! WHAT DID I JUST SAY?"

Deliver your lesson through a hand puppet. If a student asks you a question directly, say in a high-pitched voice, "The teacher can't hear you, you'll have to ask me Glovey Wovey".

If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, "Would YOU like to give the lesson, Mr. Smartypants?"

Pick out random students, ask them questions, and time their responses with a stop watch. Record their times whilst muttering "tsk, tsk".

Play "Kumbaya" on the banjo.

Start the lesson by dancing and lip-syncing to James Brown's "Sex Machine."

Ask the class to read Jenkins through Johnson of the local phone book by the next lecture. Vaguely imply that there will be a quiz.

Announce to students that their entire grades will be based on a single-question oral final exam.

Turn off the lights and play a tape of crickets chirping.

Point the overhead projector at the class. Demand each student's name, rank, and serial number.

Every so often, freeze in mid sentence and stare off into space for several minutes. After a long, awkward silence, resume your sentence and proceed normally.

Inform your English class that they need to know Fortran, and they will have to hard code all their essays. Deliver a lesson on output format statements.

Bring a small dog to class. Tell the class he's named "Boogers McGee" and is your "mascot". Whenever someone asks a question, walk over to the dog and ask it, "What'll it be, Boogers cGee?"

Bring a CPR dummy to class and announce that it will be the teaching assistant for the semester. Assign it an office and office hours.

Pass out dental floss to students and devote the lesson to oral hygiene.

Announce that the entire Concise English Dictionary will be required reading for your class. Assign a report on Volume 1, Aardvark through Armenia, for the next class.