Featured post

Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

Job appraisals

Have you ever wondered what they really meant at your job appraisal? Here's an a - z list of common performance appraisal terms and their meaning:-

Active socially: Drinks heavily.
Alert to company developments: An office gossip.
Approaches difficult problems with logic: Finds someone else to do the job.
Average: Not too bright.
Character above reproach: One step ahead of the law.
Competent: Is able to get work done if supervisor helps.
Conscientious and careful: Scared.
Consults with superiors often: A pain in the butt.
Demonstrates qualities of leadership: Has a loud voice.
Deserves promotion: Create new title to make him or her feel appreciated.
Enjoys job: Needs more to do.
Exceptionally well qualified: Has committed no major blunders to date.
Expresses self well: Can string two sentences together.
Gets along extremely well with superiors and subordinates alike: A coward.
Happy: Paid too much.
Hard worker: Does it the hard way.
Indifferent to instruction: Knows more than superiors.
Is unusually loyal: no one else wants them.
Judgment is usually sound: Lucky.
Keen analyst: Thoroughly confused.
Keen sense of humour: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
Maintains professional attitude: A snob.
Meticulous in attention to detail: A nitpicker.
Not a desk person: Did not go to college.
Of great value to the organisation: Turns in work on time.
Quick thinking: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Strong adherence to principles: Stubborn.
Tactful in dealing with superiors: Knows when to keep his mouth shut.
Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.
Takes pride in work: Conceited.
Uses resources well: Delegates everything.
Uses time effectively: Clock watcher.
Very creative: Keeps finding reasons to do anything except original work.
Will go far: Relative of management.
Zealous attitude: Opinionated.

Some questions for you

Some unanswered questions:-

Who put the Bomp in the Bomp-de-Bomp-de-Bomp?
Who placed the Dip in the Dip-de-Dip-de-Dip?
And just who is responsible for putting the Ram in the Ram-a-lama-Ding-Dong?

Politically Correct English # 1

Here are nearly 200 ways to say someone is mentally challenged:-



  1. 1 cylinder mind.
  2. 12 shy of a dozen.
  3. A bad spot on the disk.
  4. A couple of open splices.
  5. A couple of volts below threshold.
  6. A few beers short of a six-pack.
  7. A few bits shy of a word.
  8. A few bricks shy of a load.
  9. A few cans short of a six pack.
  10. A few clowns short of a circus.
  11. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
  12. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
  13. A few peas short of a casserole.
  14. A few sandwiches short of a picnic.
  15. A few screws loose.
  16. A few tiles missing from the Space Shuttle.
  17. A little light in his loafers.
  18. A loose chip on the micro processor.
  19. A quart low.
  20. About fifteen cents short.
  21. About a half a bubble off plumb.
  22. About three cents short of a dollar.
  23. Air between the ears.
  24. All booster - no payload.
  25. All crown - no filling.
  26. All foam, no beer.
  27. All the eggs in the same basket.
  28. All the lights don't shine in his marquis.
  29. All the marbles in one bag.
  30. An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
  31. Antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
  32. Attic's a little dusty.
  33. Back burner's not fully operational.
  34. Barking mad.
  35. Bats in the belfry.
  36. Belt doesn't go through all the loops.
  37. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
  38. Bonkers
  39. Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
  40. Cheese slid off the cracker.
  41. Chimney's blocked.
  42. Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
  43. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
  44. CPU not connected to the bus.
  45. Crazy
  46. Crazy as a bucket of frogs.
  47. Crazy as a loon.
  48. Crazy as all get out.
  49. Dialing thumb must be broken.
  50. Doesn't have all the dogs barking.
  51. Doesn't have all the dogs on one leash.
  52. Doesn't have all the dots on the dice.
  53. Doesn't have all the cornflakes in one box.
  54. Doesn't have all the groceries in the same bag.
  55. Doesn't have both oars in the water.
  56. Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on.
  57. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
  58. Driving with two wheels in the sand.
  59. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
  60. Elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse.
  61. Elevator doesn't stop at every floor.
  62. Elevator's stuck between floors.
  63. Completely out of his / her tree.
  64. Flying on one engine.
  65. Forgot to pay the brain bill.
  66. Got a few wait states.
  67. Got a mind like a steel trap - anything entering gets crushed and mangled.
  68. Got a mind like a steel trap - full of mice.
  69. Got a mind like a steel trap--rusty and stuck closed.
  70. Got a screw loose.
  71. Got one boot stuck in the sand.
  72. Got the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
  73. Got the mental agility of a soap dish.
  74. Got two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it.
  75. Had a head crash.
  76. Half a brick short of a full load.
  77. Half a bubble off plumb.
  78. Half a quart low.
  79. Has a mind like a sieve.
  80. Hasn't got all the china in the cupboard.
  81. Hasn't got enough sense to come in out of the rain.
  82. Hasn't got enough sense to stay out of the rain.
  83. If brains were dynamite he/she couldn't blow his/her hat off.
  84. If brains were dynamite, he/she wouldn't have enough to blow his/her nose.
  85. If he/she had another brain, it would be lonely.
  86. In a world of Hard Disks, he/she is using a 1S-2D floppy for brains.
  87. In the shopping mall of the mind, he/she's in the toy department.
  88. It would be easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing!
  89. Judging by the old saying, "What you don't know can't hurt you," s/he's practically invulnerable.
  90. Leads 3 & 4 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
  91. Left the store without all the groceries.
  92. Light not buring too bright.
  93. Little red choo choo done jumped the track.
  94. Looney tunes.
  95. Loony as a jay bird.
  96. Loose chip in the micro processor.
  97. Loose wire to headset/ringer.
  98. Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
  99. Mainspring's wound too tight.
  100. Minus so many buttons
  101. Missing a few buttons on the remote control.
  102. Missing a few catalog cards.
  103. Missing a few gears.
  104. Missing a few marbles.
  105. Mouth is in gear, but the brain is in neutral.
  106. Nice house not much furniture.
  107. Nice house, but nobody home.
  108. Nine pence in the shilling.
  109. No grain in the silo.
  110. No one at the throttle.
  111. Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us!
  112. Not enough sandwiches for a picnic.
  113. Not firing on all four (six) (eight) cylinders.
  114. Not firing on all thrusters.
  115. Not hitting on all cylinders.
  116. Not playing with a full deck.
  117. Not playing with a full deck? hell he's not even in the game!
  118. Not running on full thrusters.
  119. Not too tightly wrapped.
  120. Nuts.
  121. Nutty as a fruitcake
  122. Off his/her rocker.
  123. Off his/her trolley.
  124. Oil doesn't reach the dipstick.
  125. One brick shy of a load.
  126. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
  127. One shingle shy a roof.
  128. One taco short of a combination plate.
  129. Only got one oar in the water.
  130. Only hitting on 7 cylinders.
  131. Only operating at about half a watt.
  132. Only playing with 51 cards.
  133. One card short of a full deck.
  134. Only playing with the jokers.
  135. On the batting end of a no-hitter.
  136. Over the Rainbow
  137. Paddling with one oar.
  138. Paged-out.
  139. Paralyzed from the neck up.
  140. Parked his/her head and forgot where he/she left it.
  141. Pin 8 is floating.
  142. Played football without a helmet.
  143. Playing hockey with a warped puck
  144. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
  145. Raw cookie dough.
  146. Reading off an empty disk.
  147. Receiver is off the hook.
  148. Renewable energy source for hot air ballons.
  149. Riding a tippy canoe.
  150. Running at 400 baud.
  151. Running on empty.
  152. Sailboat fuel for brains.
  153. Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
  154. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
  155. Sewing machine's out of thread.
  156. Sharp as a bowling ball
  157. Short a few cards.
  158. Six bricks short of a full load.
  159. Six shy of a dozen.
  160. Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
  161. Skylight leaks a little.
  162. Slinky's kinked.
  163. Some bugs in the software.
  164. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, some just gargle.
  165. Somebody else is driving.
  166. Someone blew out the pilot light.
  167. Strong, like Bear... Smart, like Tractor.
  168. Surfing in Nebraska.
  169. Swapped out.
  170. Teflon brain (nothing sticks).
  171. The ace is missing from the deck.
  172. The blinds are up, but there's nobody home.
  173. The caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
  174. The carnival has closed.
  175. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
  176. The going got weird and he/she turned pro.
  177. The porch light is on, but there's nobody home.
  178. The reset line is glitching.
  179. The smoke doesn't make it to the top of his/her chimney.
  180. The synapses are about that far apart.
  181. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
  182. There's a leak in the ceiling.
  183. There's no wind in the windmills of his/her mind.
  184. Thick as a brick.
  185. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
  186. Toys in the attic.
  187. Two bits shy of a word.
  188. Two tacos short of a combination plate.
  189. Vacancy on the top floor.
  190. Was hiding behind the door when they passed out brains.
  191. Was napping in the nut pile the day that God was cracking nuts.
  192. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
  193. Welcome light on, but no one home.
  194. Wonder how many angels could dance on his/her head?
  195. Working with an unformatted disk.
  196. You can hear the wind wistling through the ears.
  197. His little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend.

What is your doctor really saying?

What is your doctor really saying...

"There is a lot of that going around." - That's the third one this week. I'd better learn something about this.
"Well, what have we here..?" - He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history." - I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"We have some good news and some bad news." - The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops." - Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
"Let me schedule you for some tests." - I have a 40% interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you." - He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug." - I'm writing a paper and would like to use you as a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call." - I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"This may hurt a little." - Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we..?" - I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up." - The drug company slipped me a fiver to prescribe this stuff.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?" - You're crazier than an box of frogs. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me...
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment." - I've never heard of anything so disgusting. Thanks goodness I'm off next week.

And don't forget that doctors can make mistakes too!