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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

Great signs

There are some great signs to be found:-

Sign on an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

Sign outside a radiator repair shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."

Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

Sign on the door of a maternity room: "Push, Push, Push."

Sign on a front door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."

Sign at an optician's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

Sign on a physisist's door: "Gone Fission"

Sign on a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

Sign in a podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."

Sign on a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

Sign on another butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."

Sign at a used car lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."

Sign on a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."

Sign at a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

Sign outside an exhaust shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you
coming."

Sign outside a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

Sign at an auto body repair shop: "May we have the next dents?"

Sign in a dry cleaner's window: "Drop your pants here."

Sign on a receptionist's desk: "I shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."

Sign in a vet's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

Sign on a music teacher's door: "Out Chopin."

Sign on the door of a music library: "Bach in a minuet."

Sign in a beauty shop: "Dye now!"

Sign on the side of a rubbish lorry: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."

Sign on the door of a computer store: "Out for a quick byte."

Sign in a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."

Sign inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."

Sign in a cafe: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafe. Socks can eat any place they want."

Sign at the front of a funeral parlour: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

Sign in a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

Sign in front of a low entrance door: "Duck or grouse."

European English

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now officially the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessary difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the uvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

British Performance Evaluations

The British Military writes EPR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

  • His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
  • I would not breed from this Officer.
  • This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
  • When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
  • He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
  • He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
  • Technically sound, but socially impossible.
  • This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
  • This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
  • When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
  • This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
  • Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
  • She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
  • He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
  • This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
  • In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
  • This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
  • The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
  • Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

Great Excuses

These are actual excuse notes from parents (including spelling):

  1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  3. Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
  11. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  12. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
  13. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
  14. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  15. Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
  16. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  17. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  18. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
  19. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
  20. Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.