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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

The language of science and medicine

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand the mysterious language of science and medicine.

• "IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"
I didn't look up the original reference.

• "A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"
These data are practically meaningless.

• "WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTIONS"
An unsuccessful experiment, but I still hope to get it published.

• "THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"
The other results didn't make any sense.

• "TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"
This is the prettiest graph.

• "THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

• "IN MY EXPERIENCE"
Once

• "IN CASE AFTER CASE"
Twice

• "IN A SERIES OF CASES"
Three times

• "IT IS BELIEVED THAT"
I think.

• "IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"
A couple of others think so, too.

• "CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE"
Wrong.

• "ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"
Rumor has it.

• "A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE OF THESE FINDINGS"
A wild guess.

• "A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a
glass of beer.

• "IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"
I don't understand it

• "AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"
They don't understand it, either.

• "THANKS ARE DUE TO JOE BLOTZ FOR ASSISTANCE WITH THE EXPERIMENT AND TO CINDY ADAMS FOR VALUABLE DISCUSSIONS"
Mr. Blotz did the work and Ms. Adams explained to me what it meant.

• "A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

• "IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"
I quit.

Top Answers

James sent me this list according to the Reader's Digest...


Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.

The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"

The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

#1 ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Fear of Flying

As my thoughts turn to holidays and flying off to exotic locations I was pleased to be sent this:-

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action (if any) was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the nextflight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. As usual with these lists they start off fairly realistic and get a bit carried away towards the end...

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

(Doesn't this make you feel safer flying?)

Message to the president

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:

370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice.

Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI.

No one could solve it, so it went to the CIA, then to NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help.

MI-6 cabled the White House:

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"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."