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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

Customer Helpline?

This is supposedly an actual dialogue betweem a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee and a customer.


Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistance; may I help you?"
Customer: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Support: "What sort of trouble?"
Customer: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away"
Support: "Went away?"
Customer: "They disappeared."
Support: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Customer: "Nothing."
Support: "Nothing?"
Customer: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Support: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
Customer: "How do I tell?"
Support: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"
Customer: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Support: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Customer: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Support: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
Customer: "What's a monitor?
Support: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
Customer: "I don't know."
Support: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
Customer: "Yes, I think so."
Support: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
Customer: "Yes, it is."
Support: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
Customer: "No."
Support: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Customer: "Okay, here it is."
Support: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Customer: "I can't reach."
Support: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Customer: "No."
Support: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
Customer: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Customer: "Dark?"
Support: "Yes -the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Support: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Customer: "I can't."
Support: "No? Why not?"
Customer: "Because there's a power failure."
Support: "A power... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
Customer: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Support: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Customer: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Support: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Customer: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
Support: "Tell them you're too ####### stupid to own a computer.

Rule Britannia

3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

An impressive 2345 Brits a year are admitted to A&E having impaled themselves whilst sitting on their remote controls.

89 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

and finally.........

In 2000, 8 Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

RULE BRITANNIA!

More Barker - The Anti-Shoddy-Goods Committee

Ronnie Barker monologue: "Good evening. My name is Jimmy Dimwiddie. Now, I want to talk to you tonight about an important consumer organization called The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee. Now the purpose of The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee is to protect you from the crafty baddies that are selling goods that are grotty, dirty, dowdy, gaudy or shoddy.

"Now let's take an example. Supposing you go into a pet shop and they try to sell you a mangy corgi or a pudgy budgie or a namby pamby bambi that you think is a ruddy pansy? Don't get bally huffy with the shop assistant chappie. Just come along to us, and in a jiffy, if you're lucky, we'll thrash out the nitty gritty and clear up the hanky panky. We love the hurly burly of a juicy argie bargie, and we will not shilly shally until all is hunky dory.

"And the same applies to buying a house. We're the people to complain to if an estate agent tries to sell you a filthy, slummy semi with a nasty sooty chimney with a topsy turvy study and a gloomy, dingy lobby that's as nifty and as smelly as a privvy in the navy. Or a baby in a nappy. Or a cosi in Bengazi.

"Now, a lot of compaints we receive, of course, are about food in restaurants. The other day a man came in and told us that he'd taken his wife out to dinner in the West End. And he'd ordered a suki yaki with some really spicy chutney. And a cup of milky coffee and a scrummy chocky bickie. The hoity toity flunky with some gravy on his dicky brought them yucky tutti frutti and it didn't have a jelly. Then they found a creepy crawly had committed hari kari in a sticky roly poly on the mucky sweetie trolly.

"And the chilli wasn't beefy and the turkey was all tacky and the plate of minestrone tasted more like cockaleekie. And his tummy felt quite rummy for the cafe was so sleazy, he contracted beri beri and was feeling mighty queasy. When he went to spend a penny, he felt such a silly billy, he couldn't dilly dally, it just happened willy nilly.

"He was looking really pique-y and was feeling really grotty and he spent all day on Sunday sitting sadly on the potty. So, he came along to us, The Anti-Shoddy Goods Committee and we told him very plainly why he felt so ruddy shi ... er, shocky.

"So, if you've bought a whiskey and it's made you rather frisky, or are just a little cookie that's looking for some nookie, or if you're feeling dicky and if Dickie takes the mickey or if you're feeling in the pinkie and if Pinkie's feeling perky or if Perky's feeling rocky and Rocky's feeling kinky, then you'll all be very lucky if you don't end up in Chucky.

"You can do the Hokey Cokey, it's jolly hockey sticky if the wicket is all sticky and the nicky nacky noo! If the goods are shoddy, there's no good to anybody and the only thing to do is Hinky pinky parlez vous!

"And if you think that'll do any good, by golly, you must be pretty silly, ruddy crazy or just jolly sloppy! Nightie nightie."

An interpreter's advice to English teachers

In promulgating your esoteric cogitations, or articulating your superficial sentimentalities and amicable, philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosity. Let your conversational communications possess a clarified conciseness, a compacted comprehensibleness, coalescent consistency, and a concatenated cogency. Eschew all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity, jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.

Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and veracious vivacity, without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolixity, psittaceous vacuity ventriloquial verbosity, and vaniloquent vapidity. Shun double-entendres, prurient jocosity, and pestiferous profanity, obscurant or apparent!! And, don't teach with big words!