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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

Happy Christmas

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m.. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.

Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 5th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'.. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,

Pauline.

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FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 6th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody? Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union Officials feel that £10.00 is too much money and Management believe £10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Pauline.

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 7th November 2004

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline.

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FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All F****** Employees

DATE: 8 November 2004

RE: The ******** Holiday Party.

Vegetarian ******** I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your ******* salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feeling too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!! I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The ##### from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director

DATE: 9th November 2004

RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

Famous Quotes or Insipid Quotes depends on your frame of mind.........

Fiction writing is great, you can make up almost anything."
- Ivana Trump, on finishing her first novel

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
- Shaquille O'Neal, basketball player, on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious."
- Alan Minter, Boxer

"We are unable to announce the weather. We depend on weather reports from the airport, which is closed, due to weather. Whether we will be able to give you a weather report tomorrow will depend on the weather."
- Arab News report

"Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, "Thank God, I'm still alive." But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again."
- Barbara Boxer, Senator

"City fathers were hoping to raise enough money to erect a new bronze statue of the Duck of Wellington."
- BBC commentator

"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate

"Cod are not very good swimmers so they are easily overtaken by trawlers and nets."
- British government report on why cod fish are disappearing from the North Sea.

"Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."
- Budapest Zoo sign

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- Charles De Gaulle, former French President

"We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
- Decca Records Rejecting the Beatles, in 1962

"The world is more like it is now then it ever has before."
- Dwight Eisenhower

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
- Greg Norman, Golfer

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
- Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery

"Whenever I watch TV and I see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I would love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey, Pop Singer

"I say no to drugs, but they don't listen."
- Marilyn Manson, Singer

"We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally."
- Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.

"If people get a kick out of running down pedestrians, you have to let them do it."
- Paul Jacobs, marketing director for a video game company

"Guys aren't able to get $15 or $20 million anymore, so you have to play for the love of the game."
- Penny Hardaway, NBA Basketball Player

"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President

"Facts are stupid things."
- Ronald Reagan, Former U.S. President

"Elephants Please Stay In Your Car."
- Safari park sign

"I consider Madonna a friend, and she sure knows how to work the publicity machine. Of course, I don't have breasts. If I did have, I'd be in the number one spot over Madonna."
- Spike Lee, Director

"I'm someone who has a deep emotional attachment to Starsky and Hutch."
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. president

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
- Terry Venables

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"Minks are mean little critters. Vicous, horrible little animals who eat their own. They're not beavers. I wouldn't wear beavers. I'd rather have a mink coat made of mean little critters that are killed in a very nice way and treated nicely for their short, mean lives so that I could keep warm."
- Valerie Perrine, Actress

"They are not jackbooted Nazi thugs. They are merely German policemen in spiffy uniforms here to help us."
- Vichy government (1941 - 1945)

I say. Say what?

It can be socially disastrous for Americans and the British to visit each other's countries without carrying a table of phrase equivalents. That's because they use the same words and phrases to describe different things.

For example, the British wear "vests" under their shirts. Their vests are what Americans call "undershirts." Americans wear suspenders to hold up their pants, while in Britain suspenders hold up lady's stockings.

My favorite is the American "orchestra seats," which offer a close-up view of a play or concert. In Britain you would be sitting in the "stalls," something that Americans sitting in orchestra seats would repair to at intermission, or whenever nature calls.

-The Joy of Trivia by Bernie Smith (edited for inconsistencies by me)

Chinese mystery dish

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what did you order?"

The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

......


Ah, I'm so sorry," says the waiter, "I brought you Peeking Duck"