Golfer: “I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.”
Caddy: “I doubt you could keep your head down that long.”
Golfer: “I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course.”
Caddy: “Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth.”
Golfer: “Well, I have never played this badly before!”
Caddy: “I didn't realize you had played before, sir.”
Golfer: “Caddy, do you think my game is improving?”
Caddy: “Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to.”
Golfer: “Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!”
Caddy: “This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!”
Golfer: “Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?”
Caddy: “The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week.”
Golfer: “This golf is a funny game.”
Caddy: “It's not supposed to be.”
Golfer: “That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old.”
Caddy: “It's a long time since we started, sir.”
Golfer: “Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?”
Golfer (screaming): “You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!”
Caddy: “I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!”
The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...
This was developed as an age test by an R&D department at Harvard University. Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over 50 years of age can't do it!
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is for cat
11. This is forty cat
12. This is seconds cat
Now go back and read aloud the third word in each line from the top down.
This might be considered more like - Have Fun With German:-
Ein smallisch fraulein ben stayen mit der mama ein thicken woodser besiden. Der mama ben loven der fraulein und maken ein reddisch riden hood, mit warmen der earsers.
Acrossen der woodser der sicken grossmama ben liven. Reddisch Riden Hood been tooken ein boxen mit cheesen cakers and butter patters und starten der walken mit maken ein visiter.
Mitout warnen ein grosser wolfer ben uppen gecomen mit maken der talken. Reddisch Riden Hood ben tellen abouten der grossmama und outenpointen der housen, Das wolfer ben racen mit breaknecken speeded und reachen der housen firster.
Der grossmama ben hearen der knocken mit rapper-tappen und asken der namen.
"Reddisch Riden Hood mit cheese cakers und butter patters," das wolfer ben callen.
Der sicken grossmama ben yellen, "Flippen der latchen und insiden gecomen."
Das wolfer ben growlen mit bursten der dooren. Mit screamers der grossmama ben uppenleapen und der chasen ben starten. Ach! Ober und under der bedden und das roomen arounder gerunen mit nippen und tucken das hotten chasen ben proceeden!
In der meantimer Reddisch Riden Hood ben hoppen und skippen mit watchen der birdsers und smellen der bloomen budden und finaller reachen der housen. Der noisers ben raisen der roofen und der fraulein ben closer obercomen mit frighters.
Suddener der noises ben stoppen und der housen ben stillisch. Reddisch Riden Hood ben inpeepen der windowpaner. Mit smoothen der curlers, der grossmama iss licken der choppers.
I hope this will satisfy the owner of the copyright.
By Dave Morrah, Cinderella Hassenpfeffer and Other Tales mein Grossfader Told (New York: Rinehart & Co., Inc. 1948) pp. 14-16.
History Of The World According To Actual Student
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingrediants. Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before
he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female
5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.
7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people
Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.
8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to
be made King. Dying he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus'
9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged
twice for the same offense.
10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple
while standing on his son's head.
11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen' As a Queen she was a great
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted,
12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention
was the circulation of the blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir
Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
13. The greates writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never
made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish
was to be laid by Juliet.
14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
15. One of the causes of the revolutionary war was the English put
tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels
through the post without stamps. Finally the colnists won the war and
no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states
formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and
Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of independence.
Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and
declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand' Franklin died
in 1790 and is still dead.
16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practised on an old spinster
which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel.
Handel was half German and half Italian and half English. He was very
17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when
everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later
died from this.
18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers
to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did
the work of a hundred men.
19. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a
naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madman Curie discovered
radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Mark Brothers.
20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck
by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Allegedly a list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause.) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."