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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

Virus alert! - Podcast


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There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally, and by hand.

The virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer +++++(WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else by any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put on your jacket and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

No pun in ten did

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home."
Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Patient: "Is it common?"
Doc: "Well. {sings} It's not unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at though.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. And finally, there were these people who sent sixteen different puns to their friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Four Candles or Fork Handles? A classic video!

One of their most famous sketches.



For Poetria:-

In a hardware shop. Ronnie Corbett is behind the counter, wearing a warehouse jacket. He has just finished serving a customer.

CORBETT(muttering): There you are. Mind how you go.
(Ronnie Barker enters the shop, wearing a scruffy tank-top and beanie)
BARKER: Forkandles!
CORBETT: Four Candles?
BARKER: Forkandles!
(Ronnie Corbett goes to a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter)
BARKER: No, forkandles!
CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles!
BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!
(Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get a fork handle. He places it onto the counter)
CORBETT (muttering): Fork handles. Thought you said 'four candles!' (more clearly) Next?
BARKER: Got any plugs?
CORBETT: Plugs. What kind of plugs?
BARKER: A rubber one, bathroom.
(Ronnie Corbett gets out a box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter)
CORBETT (pulling out two different sized plugs): What size?
BARKER: Thirteen amp!
CORBETT (muttering): It's electric plugs, electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs!
(He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away)
BARKER: Saw tips!
CORBETT: Sore tips? (he doesn't know what he means) What d'you want? Ointment, or something like that?
BARKER: No, saw tips for covering saws.
CORBETT: Oh, haven't got any, haven't got any. (he mutters) Comin' in, but we haven' got any. Next?
BARKER: 'O's!
CORBETT: 'Hoes?
BARKER: 'O's.
(He goes to get a hoe, and places it on the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT: 'Hose! I thought you meant'Hoes! (he takes the hoe back, and gets a hose, whilst muttering) When you said 'O's, I thought you said 'O! 'O's!
(He places the hose onto the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT (confused for a moment): O's? Oh, you mean panty hose, panty hose (he picks up a pair of tights from beside him).
BARKER: No, no, 'O's! 'O's for the gate. Mon repose! 'O's! Letter O's!
CORBETT (finally realising): Letter O's! (muttering) You had me going there!
(He climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O's)
CORBETT: How many d'you want?
BARKER: Two.
(Ronnie Corbett leaves two letter O's on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter)
CORBETT: Yes, next?
BARKER: Got any P's?
CORBETT (fed up): For Gawds sake, why didn' you bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I've got all this shop, I ain't got any help, it's worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's) How many d'you want?
BARKER: No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas!
CORBETT: You're 'avin' me on, aren't ya, yer 'avin' me on?
BARKER: I'm not!
(Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas)
CORBETT (placing the tins on the counter): Next?
BARKER: Got any pumps?
CORBETT (getting really fed up): Hand pumps, foot pumps? Come on!
BARKER (surprised he has to ask): Foot pumps!
CORBETT (muttering, as he goes down the shop): Foot pumps. See a foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in 'ere.
(He puts the pump down on the counter)
BARKER: No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pumps, size nine!
CORBETT (almost at breaking point): You are 'avin' me on, you are definitely 'avin' me on!
BARKER (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood): I'm not! I'm not! I'm not.
CORBETT: You are 'avin' me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets a pair of brown foot pumps out of a drawer, and places them on the counter) Next?
BARKER: Washers!
CORBETT (really close to breaking point): What, windscreen washers, car washers, dishwashers, floor washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?
BARKER: 'Alf inch washers!
CORBETT: Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I'll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What's this? What's that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what 'e's got on there! Look what 'e's got on there!
JONES (who goes to a drawer with a towel hanging out of it, and opens it): Right! How many would ya like? One or two?
(He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer - 'Bill hooks'!)

A guide to Australia and Australian English

  1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
  2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
  3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
  4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
  5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
  6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
  7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
  8. All our best heroes are losers.
  9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
  10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
  11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
  12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
  13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
  14. The wise man will choose a partner who is more attractive than himself.............to mosquitoes.
  15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
  16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
  17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
  18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
  19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
  20. If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
  21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
  22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
  23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
  24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
  25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
  26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
  27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
    Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".
  28. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.
  29. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER!
    And finally the true test for immigration to Australia is mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the cricket. If you can't pass that chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.

Customer Complaint

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 'four-in-one deal' for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties or more likely (as I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting around waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? The rescheduled installation took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Another two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. It eventually came after 15 telephone calls over four weeks, six weeks after I had requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman). And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought British Telecom was rubbish; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.

That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- idiots though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.

Yours sincerely,

The question is - How?

How do dead flies and bugs get into light fixtures?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

How many peppers did Peter Piper pick?

How do "Keep Off The Grass" signs get there?

How do you know when you've finished, if you spend your day doing nothing?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

How does Teflon stick to the pan?

How cold is it going to be, if it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow?

How come we put men on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

How do you let someone know you painted a wet paint sign?

How would you treat someone who is addicted to counseling?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

How would you throw away a rubbish bin?

How do you make seven even? = Take away the "s".

How many seconds are in a year? = 12 - January second, February second ...

How young can you be, but still die of old age?

Q. How do you freeze twice.
A. Remove the "tw".