Big macho man!
This has to be the funniest weather forecast - ever:-
The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...
Let me count the ways:-
1. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
2. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
3. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
4. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
5. As smart as bait.
6. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
7. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
8. Is so dense, light bends around him/her.
9. If brains were taxed, he/she'd get a rebate.
10. Standing close to him/her, you can hear the ocean.
11. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he/she just gargled.
12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
13. One of his/her DuraCells is in upside down.
14. An experiment in AS (Artificial Stupidity).
15. Dumber than a box of hair.
16. All foam, no beer.
17. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
18. If he/she had another brain, it would be lonely.
19. A prime candidate for natural DE-selection.
20. Forgot to pay his/her brain bill.
21. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
22. In IQ tests single celled organisms out score him/her.
23. Donated his/her body to science - before he/she was done using it.
24. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
26. If he/she were any more stupid, he'd/she'd have to be watered twice a week.
27. If you give him/her a penny for his/her thoughts, you'd get change.
28. Nothing between the headphones.
29. Nothing between the stethoscopes.
30. If (his/her) IQ was 2 points higher (he/she) would be a rock.
31. A room temperature IQ.
32. About as bright as an LED.
33. About as sharp as a bowl of jello.
34. About as sharp as a bowling ball.
35. About as sharp as a sack of wet leather.
36. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
37. An IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
38. As thick as two short planks.
39. Brains of a house plant.
40. Dumb as a box of rocks.
41. Dumber than a red brick.
42. Nothing between the ears.
43. Echoes between the ears.
44. Got signs on both ears saying Space for Rent.
Original List (age 22):
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
6. In good shape
7. Dresses smartly.
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
Revised List (age 32):
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at her jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one good tie & socks
8. Appreciates her home-cooked meals, makes tea for her
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week (with her ofcourse !)
Revised List (age 42):
1. Not too ugly ( bald head OK)
2. Doesn’t drive off until she’s seated in the car
3. Passes the TV remote to her willingly when she asks.
4. Nods head when she’s talking (vertically, not horizontally ! )
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Still agrees to visit her parents house.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends
Revised List (age 52):
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when she’s talking
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh undergarments
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Talks to her relatives when they call up on phone
10. Shaves some weekends
Revised List (age 62):
1. Remembers where the bathroom is
2. Doesn’t spend much time in the bathroom
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes (his clothes)
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend
Revised List (age 72):
2.Doesn’t miss the toilet
3. Still Loves her…*
Read the following directions carefully:-
The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dav Pilkey.
The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names:-
Use the FIRST letter of your first name to determine your new FIRST name:
a = stinky
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = dorkey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = poopsie
k = flunky
l = booger
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = falafel
u = gidget
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa
Use the FIRST letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new LAST name:
a = diaper
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = bubble
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = burger
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker
Use the LAST letter of your last name to determine the second half of your LAST name:
a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice
Thus, for example, George Bush's new name would be Fluffy Toiletshorts and Tony Blair's new name would be Falafel Toiletbuns (maybe they are related).
My new name would be Booger Wafflenose!
"House," for instance, is feminine: "la casa".
"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz".
A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be feminine: "la computadora," because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay on accessories for it.
The women's group concluded that computers should be masculine "el computador," because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
The women won.
(Thanks to Waltzing Broonhilda for this one!)
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?
Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
Have you ever wondered?
Have you ever noticed that when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
Q: Have you lived here all your life?
A: Not yet.