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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

An alternative rendition to the 12 Days of Christmas

The singing begins at the end, but the video is worth watching in its own right.

'Twas the Night Before Christmas - A lawyer's version

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence,
kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus
musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the
wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among
whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through
their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head
coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended
such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity
from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source
thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance
without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to
behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight
diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule,
aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.

With his ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more
vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated
loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and
addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now
Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior
level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the
concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities.
As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a
180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost
celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He
was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from
oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls
thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the
plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious
cloth receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary
dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The
capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with
blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the
coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium,
or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so
much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment
appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive
of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund,
multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly
frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly
lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to
one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task,
he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in
lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium
forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his
egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then
propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a
musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a
movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions
of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible
immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to
that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously
beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and
dawn."

Ode to cranky men

I chanced to pass a window


While walking through a mall


With nothing much upon my mind,


Quite blank as I recall.




I noticed in that window


A cranky-faced old man,


And why he looked so cranky


I didn't understand.




Just why he looked at me that way


Was more than I could see


Until I came to realize


That cranky man was ME!

Cricket Rules

You have two sides.


One side is out in the field and one is in.


Each man that's in the side that goes in goes out and when he's out he come in and the next man goes in until he's out.


When they are all out the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.


When both sides have been in and out including not outs, that's the end of the game.


HOWZAT!


The Last One-liners? Probably not!

1. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
2. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.
3. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
4. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
5. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving.
6. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
7. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
8. I intend to live forever. So far so good.
9. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?
10. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

To burp



To burp: A reflex that expels wind noisily from the stomach through the mouth.

Symonyms - belch and eruct.

If Only ...

If only Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, then their brilliant sketch, “Who’s on first?” might have turned out something like this:-

Costello calls Abbott to buy a computer:-

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up a home office and I need to buy a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W.”

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue “1.”

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue “1.”

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue “1″ is Real One and the blue “W” is word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in “office for windows!”

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real one isn’t even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”…

Bohemian Rhapsody (Like you've never seen it)

The PPP (Potter Puppet Pals) team dances along to a humourous version of one of the greatest songs of all time!

Old people never die

Old academics never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Old actors never die, they just drop a part.

Old anthropologists never die, they just become history.

Old architects never die, they just lose their structure.

Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

Old bin men never die, they just waste away.

Old brewers never die, they just ferment away.

Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

Old chemists never die, they just smell that way.

Old cleaners never die, they just kick the bucket.

Old cricket players never die, they just go batty.

Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

Old exorcists never die, they just give up the ghost.

Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

Old fishermen never die, they just get reel tired.

Old investors never die, they just roll over.

Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

Old musicians never die, they just go from bar to bar.

Old photographers never die, they get sent to the old focus home.

Old priests never die, they just go out to pastor.

Old programmers never die, they just lose their memory.

Old salesmen never die, they just go out of commission.

Old Scots never die, but they can be kilt.

Old skiers never die, but they go downhill fast.

Old weathermen never die, they reign forever.

Old yachtsmen never die, they just keel over.


I am an old age pensioner

I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not grumpy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, animals, children, politicians...

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

I'm a walking store of facts... I've just lost the key to the store.

I'm an old age pensioner and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

The IgNobels

Ignoble means completely lacking nobility in character or quality or purpose.

The IgNoble awards are a parody of the Nobel Prizes and are given each year in early October — around the time the recipients of the genuine Nobel Prizes are announced — for ten achievements that "first make people laugh, and then make them think."

These are the winners for 2007:-


  • Aviation: Patricia V. Agostino, Santiago A. Plano and Diego A. Golombek, for discovering that hamsters recover from jetlag more quickly when given Viagra.
  • Biology: Johanna E.M.H. van Bronswijk, for taking a census of all the mites and other life forms that live in people's beds.
  • Chemistry: Mayu Yamamoto for extracting vanilla flavour from cow dung.
  • Economics: Kuo Cheng Hsieh, for patenting a device to catch bank robbers by ensnaring them in a net.
  • Linguistics: Juan Manuel Toro, Josep B. Trobalon and Nuria Sebastian-Galles, for determining that rats sometimes can't distinguish between Japanese, played backward, and Dutch, played backward.
  • Literature: Glenda Browne, for her study of the word "the".
  • Medicine: Dan Meyer and Brian Witcombe, for investigating the side-effects of swallowing swords.
  • Nutrition: Brian Wansink, for investigating people's appetite for mindless eating by secretly feeding them a self-refilling bowl of soup.
  • Peace: The Air Force Wright Laboratory in Dayton, Ohio, for suggesting the research and development of a "gay bomb," which would cause enemy troops to become sexually attracted to each other.
  • Physics: L. Mahadevan and Enrique Cerda Villablanca for their theoretical study of how sheets become wrinkled.
 

Splitting Headache


Splitting Headache
Originally uploaded by YTaP
Anybody got an aspirin?

Happy Halloween!

Split means to divide into two or more parts, especially along a particular line.

A headache is a pain you feel inside your head.

I've got a splitting headache, means I've got a really bad headache.

Of course in this photo this is a joke. I have a knife through my head, and therefore my head is split.

What is an Emo?

Emo is a style of rock music which describes several independent music styles with common roots. As such, use of the term has been the subject of much debate. Here is one 'spoof' explanation:-

Dust

Is dust high in fat or low in fat?



More play on words

"The man who runs in front of a car gets tired"

"The man who runs behind a car gets exhausted"

"Two wrongs do not make a right - Three lefts do"

"The man who sits on a tack gets the point!"

"The man who lives in a glass house should change in the basement"

"If you want a pretty nurse, you've got to be patient."

Kiss or shake?



"Ah Ted. Perfect timing. You remember Annette?"
"Of course."

"And you must be Geoffrey."

"Uh. This is Linda from accounting."

"Ted. You old dog. How’s that golf game?"

"SHAKING HANDS SPREADS MORE GERMS THAN KISSING."

"So. Doesn't seem like a Tuesday, does it?"

(The Boardroom Kisses ad was developed by advertising agency Rethink for Science World, a hands-on science centre offering entertaining and educational experiences to families in Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada.)

Groan - More Bad puns

If lawyers can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then why can't:-

Electricians be delighted.
Musicians denoted.
Cowboys deranged.
Models deposed.
Dry cleaners depressed.
Bed makers debunked.
Baseball players debased.
Teachers declassified.
Bulldozer operators degraded.
Organ donors delivered.
Software engineers detested.
Underwear makers debriefed.
Musical composers decomposed.
Horses destabilised.
And hopefully politicians devoted.

Eat it!



How come you're always such a fussy young man?
Don't want no Captain Crunch, don't want no Raisin Bran
Well, don't you know that other kids are starving in Japan
So eat it, just eat it.

Don't wanna argue, I don't wanna debate
Don't want to hear about what kind of food you hate.
You won't get no dessert 'till you clean off your plate
So eat it, don't you tell me your full.


Just eat it, eat it , eat it.
Get yourself an egg and beat it.
Have some more chicken, have some more pie.
It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried.
Just eat it, eat it,
Just eat it, eat it,
Just eat it, eat it.

Your table manners are a cryin' shame
You're playin' with your food, this ain't some kind of game
Now, if you starve to death, you'll just have yourself to blame
So eat it, just eat it.

You better listen, better do what you're told.
You haven't even touched your tuna casserole.
You better chow down or it's gonna get cold.
So eat it.

I don't care if you're full,
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it.
Open up your mouth and feed it.
Have some more yogurt, have some more Spam.
It doesn't matter if it's fresh or canned.
Just eat it, eat it
Don't you make me repeat it.
Have a banana, have a whole bunch,
It doesn't matter what you had for lunch.
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it
Eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it

Eat it, eat it,
If it's gettin' cold, reheat it.
Have a big dinner, have a light snack.
If you don't like it you can't send it back.
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it.
Get yourself an egg and beat it.
Have some more chicken, have some more pie.
It doesn't matter if it's boiled or fried,
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it,
Don't you make me repeat it.
Have a banana,(woohoo) have a whole bunch,
It doesn't matter what you had for lunch.
Just eat it, eat it, eat it, eat it

Star Wars - Princess Leia as you've never seen him before

Running out of one-liners? Not yet

1. Gravity always gets me down.
2. This statement is false.
3. Eschew obfuscation.
4. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
5. It's bad luck to be superstitious.
6. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
7. The word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary.
8. Honk if you like peace and quiet.
9. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
10. Don't steal. The government hates competition.

America's Next Top Model Spoof



French and Saunders are very well known in the UK. Here Jennifer auditions for an overly tall "Tyra Banks" played by Dawn French, in a parody of America's Next Top Model. Taken from "A Bucket O' French and Saunders".

Flying Lessons



Mr Chigger Hello, I saw your advertisement for flying lessons and I'd like to make an appointment.
Second Secretary Well, Mr Anemone's on the phone at the moment, but I'm sure he won't mind if you go on in. Through here.
Mr Chigger Thank you.
Mr Anemone Ah, won't be a moment. Make yourself at home. No, no, well look, you can ask Mr Maudling but I'm sure he'll never agree. Not for fifty shillings ... no... no. Bye-bye Gordon. Bye-bye. Oh dear. Bye-bye. Missed. Now Mr er...
Mr Chigger Chigger.
Mr Anemone Mr Chigger. So, you want to learn to fly?
Mr Chigger Yes.
Mr Anemone Right, well, up on the table, arms out, fingers together, knees bent...
Mr Chigger No, no, no.
Mr Anemone (very loudly) Up on the table! Arms out, fingers together, knees bent, now, head well forward. Now, flap your arms. Go on, flap, faster... faster... faster... faster, faster, faster, faster - now jump! Rotten. Rotten. You're no bloody use at all. You're an utter bloody wash-out. You make me sick, you weed!
Mr Chigger Now look here...
Mr Anemone All right, all right. I'll give you one more chance, get on the table...
Mr Chigger Look, I came here to learn how to fly an aeroplane.
Mr Anemone A what?
Mr Chigger I came here to learn how to fly an aeroplane.
Mr Anemone Oh, 'an aeroplane'. Oh, I say, we are grand, aren't we? Oh, oh, no more buttered scones for me, mater. I'm off to play the grand piano. Pardon me while I fly my aeroplane. Now get on the table!
Mr Chigger Look. No one in the history of the world has ever been able to fly like that.
Mr Anemone Oh, I suppose mater told you that while you were out ridin'. Well, if people can't fly what am I doing up here?
Mr Chigger You're on a wire.
Mr Anemone Oh, a wire. I'm on a wire, am I?
Mr Chigger Of course you're on a bloody wire.
Mr Anemone I am not on a wire. I am flying.
Mr Chigger You're on a wire.
Mr Anemone I am flying.
Mr Chigger You're on a wire.
Mr Anemone I'll show you whether I'm on a wire or not. Give me the 'oop.
Mr Chigger What?
Mr Anemone Oh, I don't suppose we know what an 'oop is. I suppose pater thought they were a bit common, except on the bleedin' croquet lawn.
Mr Chigger Oh, a hoop.
Mr Anemone 'Oh an hoop.' Thank you, your bleeding Highness. Now. Look.
Mr Chigger Go on, right the way along.
Mr Anemone All right, all right, all right. There. Now, where's the bleeding wire, then?
Mr Chigger That hoop's got a hole in.
Mr Anemone Oh Eton and Madgalene. The hoop has an hole in. Of course it's got a hole in, it wouldn't be a hoop otherwise, would it, mush!
Mr Chigger No, there's a gap in the middle, there.
Mr Anemone Oh, a gahp. A gahp in one's hoop. Pardon me, but I'm off to play the grand piano.
Mr Chigger Look, I can see you're on a wire - look, there it is.
Mr Anemone Look, I told you, you bastard, I'm not on a wire.
Mr Chigger You are. There is.
Mr Anemone There isn't.
Mr Chigger Is.
Mr Anemone Isn't!
Mr Chigger Is!
Mr Anemone Isn't!
Mr Chigger Is!
Mr Anemone Isn't!
Mr Chigger Is!
Mr Anemone Isn't!!
Mr Chigger Is!!!
Voice Over Anyway, this rather pointless bickering went on for some time until...

Groan - Really bad jokes

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Damn."

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese. (Prounounce "Not your cheese.")

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out
of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

Lexophile Fun with English - Part 2

More fun for lexophiles:-

  1. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
  2. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
  3. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
  4. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism it's your count that votes.
  6. She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but he broke it off.
  7. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  8. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
  9. When she got married she got a new name and a dress.
  10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

Yes folks! More great one-liners

1. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
2. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
3. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
4. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
5. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
6. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
7. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
8. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
9. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
10. Who stopped the payment on my reality check?

The proof

Here is how you make that Scottish delicacy, the deep fried Mars bar:-

To Sneeze

Watch the mother panda when the baby panda sneezes. Classic!

'Twas the night before finals

'Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.

Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.

Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would get their brains thinking.

Shut in my apartment,
I was fretting and pacing,
Dreading exams
That I soon would be facing.

My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.

I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.

I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were all muddy,
My eyes went a'blur,
I just couldn't study.

"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.

I'd pretty much figured,
Life's unfair and cruel,
Since our futures depend
On grades made in school.

When all of a sudden,
The door opened wide,
And Patron Saint "Put-It-Off"
Ambled inside.

Her spirit was careless,
Her manner was mellow,
She looked at the mess
And started to bellow:

"Why should us students
Make such a fuss,
About what those teachers
Try to teach us?"

"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"

Her message delivered,
She vanished from sight,
But we all heard her laughing
Outside in the night.

"Your teachers won't flunk you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."

This is too weird for words!

How to report a mugging in a taxi?

Abort, Retry, Ignore?



Listen Here


Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets.
Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer,
I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more.
But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token.
"Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!"
One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more,
Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before.
Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more,
From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.
Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted.
Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor.
And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core.
The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go.
What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes?
But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more,
You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore,
Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

Pick Up Lines and Put Downs

A pick up line is something someone says in the hope of forming an acquaintance with someone else, usually in anticipation of sexual relations.

A put down is something you say that's disparaging, belittling, or snubbing. The French have a phrase for it - l'Esprit d'escalier - 'the spirit that passes on the staircase'.

Here are some of the best put downs to some common pick up lines:-

He - Can I buy you a drink?
She - Actually I'd rather have the money.

He - Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
She - Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

He - How did you get to be so beautiful?
She - I must have been given your share.

He - Your face must turn a few heads.
She - And your face must turn a few stomachs.

He - Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
She - Okay, get out.

He - What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
She - Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

He - Can I have your name?
She - Why? Don't you already have one?

He - Hey baby, what's your sign?
She - Do not enter.

He - If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
She - If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

He - Where have you been all my life?
She - Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

How many more one-liners can there be?

1. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
2. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
3. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
4. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
5. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
6. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
7. My mind is like a steel trap, rusty and illegal in 37 states.
8. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
9. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
10. I've only been wrong once, and that's when I thought I was wrong.

College Application

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author,
Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30 minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

Who loves Tony Bair?



Dialogue:-

Mother: What's the matter Zoe? Why are you crying?
Little Girl: Because, I just want Tony Blair to come back, and I want him to be Prime Minister.
Mother: Why?
Little Girl: Because I just do!
Mother: Why do you want him to be Prime Minister still?
Little Girl: Because I love him!
Mother: But there's going to be a new Prime Minister. There's going to be a new Prime Minister, darling, called Gordon Brown.
Little Girl: NO!
Mother: You don't want him.
Little Girl: No, I want Tony Blair.

More Great Excuses

Here are a few excuses to help get you out of work during the summer.

“It was so hot yesterday that the wool suit I was wearing gave me this horrible rash. I don’t think I can make it into the office. My face and neck are just covered with this rash, and my legs as well. I think I’d really scare people, and it’s as itchy as hell…”

“I fell asleep in the sun yesterday, and I’ve got a really bad sunburn. I can barely move, and I think I might have to go to the doctor.”

“My air conditioner must have blown a fuse, and so my alarm clock didn’t go off this morning. And it got so stuffy in my apartment that it must have made me really oversleep. I can’t believe it’s almost noon… and I’m just totally dehydrated and not feeling too well. I don’t think I’ll be able to come in at all today.”

“I was doing volunteer community clean up work in the sun all day yesterday, and I worked myself so hard that I think I’m suffering from heatstroke. I’m not feeling well, so I better stay home today, just to make sure I’m okay.”

“I was swimming yesterday, and I accidentally swallowed a lot of water, and I’m not feeling too well today. Really queasy. I’m sure it’s nothing but I'd better stay at home, drink lots of water, and rest. I’m sure I’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

“My cat usually goes outside during the day while I’m at work, but right after I let him out, I realized how hot it was outside, and I just knew he should not be out in heat like this. I’ll come in as soon as I can, but I’ve got to find my cat. He just took off. I can’t find him. He’s a really furry cat and I just know he won’t do well in this heat. I’m so worried. I better get off the phone so I can keep looking for him.”

“I was rushing to get to work and I jumped into the car and the car seat was so hot that I burned the back of my legs. They’re all red and swollen and sore, so I think I’m going to have to let them heal today. It’s no big deal - I just wouldn’t be able to sit at my desk all day. But I’ll be in tomorrow.”

“I was walking around barefoot yesterday and I stepped on a nail. I could barely walk yesterday, and today it’s just a little bit better. I should be fine by tomorrow, but today, well, it still kind of hurts, and I also have to go to the doctor to get a tetanus shot.”

Things that change after university

  1. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

  2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

  3. You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.

  4. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.

  5. You carry an umbrella.

  6. Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.

  7. You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a club.

  8. Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.

  9. You don't have mice living in your kitchen.

  10. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

  11. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

  12. Your friends marry and divorce instead of getting together and breaking-up.

  13. You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.

  14. A £2 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

  15. You're the one calling the police because those bloody students next door won't turn down the music.

  16. You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.

  17. You can't persuade your roommates to "Drink till dawn."

  18. You always know where you are when you wake up.

  19. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

  20. You feed your dog Eukeneba instead of McDonald"s.

  21. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.

  22. You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.

Fairy stories


Fairy stories
Originally uploaded by YTaP
Dies Marchen Wird Wohl Niemals Wahr. Das Leben Lehrt Sei Klug Und Spar.

Translation:-

This fairytale will probably never come true. Life teaches you to be smart and save.

There are more one-liners in the world than you think

1. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
2. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
3. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
4. Tax - We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
5. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
6. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
7. I can handle pain until it hurts.
8. No matter where you go, you're there.
9. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
10. It's been Monday all week.

Children's Comebacks

Things you'll wish you'd said at school:-

Teacher: Johnny, what is the chemical formula for water?
Johnny: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Johnny: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I."
Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Johnny... Always say, "I am.
Johnny: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Johnny, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Johnny: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

Teacher: Johnny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy this?
Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

Teacher: Johnny, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Johnny: A teacher...

Bill Gates Perspective

Thanks to James for this one:-

Examine Bill Gates' wealth compared to yours: Consider the average American of reasonable but modest wealth. Perhaps he has a net worth of $100,000. Mr. Gates' worth is 400,000 times larger. Which means that if something costs $100,000 to Joe Average, to Bill it's as though it costs 25 cents. You can work out the right multiplier for your own net worth.

So for example, you might think a new Lamborghini Diablo would cost $250,000, but in Bill Gates dollars that's 63 cents.

That fully loaded, multimedia active matrix 233 MHZ laptop with the 1024x768 screen you've been drooling after? A penny.

A nice home in a rich town Palo Alto, California? Two dollars.

That nice mansion he's building? A reasonable $125 to him.

You might spend $100 on tickets, food and parking to take your family to see an NHL hockey game. Bill, on the other hand, could buy the team for 100 Bill- bills.

You might buy a plane ticket on a Boeing 747 for $1200 at full-fare coach. In Bill-bills, Mr.. Gates could buy three 747s. One for him, one for Melinda and one for young Jennifer Katherine.

Yet More:

Evan Marcus, a Systems Engineer from Fair Lawn, New Jersey who maintains a Bill Gates Net Worth Page on his web site, notes that Bill could buy every single major league team in Baseball, Football, Basketball and Hockey for only about 35% of his net worth -- plenty left over to buy a European sport.

Of course then he wouldn't have around $150 for every person in the USA as he does now. Nor could he still give $6.70 to every person on the planet.

Marcus suggests that Bill could increase Michael Jordan's 1997 salary only 1300 times, but that he could buy 902 million subscriptions to TV guide.

He's also fascinated by how much all this money would be if put into dollar bills. Laid end to end, the Bills would stretch 3.8 million miles -- to the moon and back over 8 times. They could paper over all of Manhattan 7 times, or be stacked 2,690 miles high -- watch out for satellites. They would weigh 40,000 tons -- 100 times the weight of one of those 747s he bought above.

But one thing Marcus says Bill can't do is even dent the national debt. Should he selflessly donate his stock to the U.S. treasury, he would reduce the $5.37 trillion national debt by well under 1%.

It's nice to put things in perspective.

What does your profession say about you?

  1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
  2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture."
  3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
  4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets.
  5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumours concerning you say that you are completely insane.
  6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch and then post a letter.
  7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
  8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)
  9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty pence cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service."
  10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
  11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
  12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
  13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job. Thus the term "GO POSTAL".

Even more one-liners

1. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
2. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
3. I didn't use to finish sentences, but now I
4. I've had amnesia as long as I can remember.
5. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of cheques.
6. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."
7. Evolution: True science fiction.
8. What's another word for "thesaurus"?
9. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
10. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Things that sound dirty in the office, but aren't

  1. I need to whip it out by 5!
  2. Mind if I use your laptop?
  3. Put it in my box before I leave.
  4. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
  5. I want it on my desk NOW!!
  6. Hmmm........I think it's out of fluid.
  7. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
  8. It's an entry-level position.
  9. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
  10. It's not fair...I do all the work and he just sits there.

The wrong man

This is a now famous BBC goof. Poor Guy Goma, a graduate from the Congo, appeared on the news channel in place of an IT expert after a mix-up at reception. Mr Goma was really at the BBC for a job interview. He said later that his appearance was "very stressful" and wondered why the questions were not related to the data support cleanser job he applied for. Poor guy didn't even get the job!

Things that sound dirty In law, but aren't

  1. Have you looked through her briefs?
  2. He is one hard judge!
  3. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
  4. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
  5. Is it a penal offense?
  6. Better leave the handcuffs on.
  7. For €200 an hour, she'd better be good!
  8. Can you get him to drop his suit?
  9. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could
  10. Think you can get me off?

You know you're British when...

You believe that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are all good nights for drinking. Sunday is also entirely reasonable.

After a big night out you find yourself looking for a curry house.

Coming to work with a hangover is entirely accepted and indeed expected at least once a week.

You're always half an hour late to work and no one notices or even cares.

You can actually give directions to tourists on Oxford Street!

You step over a drunk on the underground rather than offering to help them.

You don't even bother looking out of the window when you get up in the morning to check what the weather is like. You know it is grey and overcast.

You consider a suit to be normal attire for the pub.

You expect men to actually cut, comb and style their hair (using hair products). And to wear decent clothes and moisturize daily.

You collapse with laughter when listening to the funny accent of the Aussie international telephone operator (or on TV!).

You think £40 for a haircut is quite reasonable.

You can't remember what 'customer service' means.

More than three hours sunlight on summer days seems excessive.

You don't think twice about tipping your hairdresser

You finish every sentence with 'Cheers' or 'Yeah'.

You only realise you have lost your sun glasses when you remember you left them in Greece 2 summers ago.

You like English cooking. After all, it's hard to beat a full English breakfast.

You are on to your 6th umbrella and your second overcoat... this year.

You buy disposable baby BBQs from Tesco.

A day at the beach means wearing the warmest clothes you own while standing on golf ball-size pebbles and the thought of swimming doesn't even enter your head.

You always call soccer "football" and you support a team that's not Manchester United.

You don't think twice about buying a sandwich wrapped in cellophane.

A sunny lunchtime means searching for a patch of grass and stripping off practically down to your underwear.

You've accepted queuing as a way of life. In fact you're proud of how good you are at it.

More one-liners

1. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
2. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
3. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
4. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
7. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
8. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
9. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
10. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

Rules to live by

Be nice to your children, they will choose your retirement home.
Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
Despite the cost of living, it's still quite popular.
The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.
The aging process would be slowed if it had to work its way through the House of Lords.
You'll always have what you had 20 years ago, only it will all be a little bit lower.

Creative Writing Contest - the Winning Entry

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:
- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

Nurse's Rules

Rule 1 THE NURSE IS ALWAYS RIGHT!
Rule 2 Never yell at a nurse (refer to Rule #1.)
Rule 3 Don't hit patients or doctors - unless absolutely necessary.
Rule 4 All fevers will eventually come back to normal on the way to room temperature.
Rule 5 Don't vomit on the nurse!
Rule 6 Don't vomit on the doctor!
Rule 7 All bleeding stops eventually.
Rule 8 Remember, the problem is always better than the X-ray looks.
Rule 9 Everybody has to die sometime.
Rule 10 You can't hurt a corpse.
Rule 11 Always do whatever you do best.
Rule 12 Everyone gets treated exactly the same in here ---until they piss you off.
Rule 13 To be right is only half the battle; to convince the patient is more difficult.
Rule 14 Uncommon manifestations of common diseases are more common than are uncommon diseases.
Rule 15 The pain will go away when it stops hurting.
Rule 16 Never get excited about blood loss - unless it's your own.
Rule 17 It doesn't matter what you do as long as it's right.
Rule 18 If a patient has a catheter, they need it.
Rule 19 In medicine, always remember never to say always or never.
Rule 20 Death is a severe stage of shock, or shock is a pause in the act of dying.

One-liners

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.

Love | Lust | Marriage

LUST -When all you write is your phone number.
LOVE -When you write poems about your partner.
MARRIAGE -When all you write is cheques.

LUST -When you phone each other to choose a hotel room.
LOVE -When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
MARRIAGE -When you phone each other to bitch about work.

LUST -When you steal everything they own.
LOVE -When you share everything you own.
MARRIAGE -When the bank owns everything.

LUST -When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
LOVE -When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE -When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LUST -When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.
LOVE -When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
MARRIAGE -When you're only concern is what's on TV.

LUST -When you only see each other naked.
LOVE -When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
MARRIAGE -When you never see each other awake.

LUST -When your loins twitch every time you see them.
LOVE -When your heart flutters every time you see them.
MARRIAGE -When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LUST -When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
LOVE -When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
MARRIAGE -When you listen to talk radio.

LUST -When staying together is something you try not to think about.
LOVE -When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE -When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LUST -When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
LOVE -When you're only interested in doing things WITH your partner.
MARRIAGE -When you're only interested in your golf handicap.

LUST -When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
LOVE -When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and make love.
MARRIAGE -When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

LUST -You only leave the house to buy condoms.
LOVE -You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
MARRIAGE -You only leave the house when you're allowed to.

What adults eventually learn - Podcast


powered by ODEO

  • Raising teenagers is like trying to nail jelly to a tree.
  • There's always ...

... A lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it: For example: I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

... A reason to smile: For example: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.

  • The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
  • Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
  • Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
  • The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
  • If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
  • Eat a live worm first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
  • And you know you're getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship

Thanks James!


Application for Australian Citizenship

You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in order to qualify for Australian Citizenship

1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog?

2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:
a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40°C heat.
b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40°C heat.
c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues fine.

4. How many beers are there in a slab?

5. You call that a knife, this is a knife.

True or False?

6. Does "yeah-nah" mean

a) "Yes and no"
b) "Maybe"
c) "Yes I understand, but no I don't agree"

7. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV character?

a) Toadie from Neighbours
b) Alf from Home & Away
c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection
d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages

a) Once or twice
b) As often as necessary to cook
c) After each stubby
d) Until charcoal?

9. Name three of the Daddo brothers.

10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:

a) Drinking beer at a mate's place
b) Drinking beer at the beach
c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?

12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?

13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?

14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?

15. Who are Scott and Charlene?

16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?

a) Squirt and spread with finger
b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?

17. If the police raided your home would you:

a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items?
b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain?
c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?

18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?

19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

20. Thongs are:

a) Skimpy underwear
b) Casual footwear
c) They're called jandals, bro?

21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best?

a) 1993
b) 1997
c) 2001
d) 2005

22. What is someone more likely to die of:

a) Red Back Spider
b) Great White Shark
c) Victorian Police Officer
d) King Brown Snake
e) Your missus after a big night
f) Dropbear?

23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?

24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh?

25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter....

26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:

a) Ricky Ponting?
b) Don Bradman?
c) John Howard?
d) Makybe Diva?
e) Non of the above?

28. Is it best to take a sick day:

a) When the cricket's on?
b) When the cricket's on?
c) When the cricket’s on?

29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

31. What are Budgie smugglers?

32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?

33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

34. A "Hoppoate" is:

a) A breed of kangaroo
b) A kind of Australian "wedgie"
c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

35. What does having a 'chunder' mean?

36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

37. What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?

What children learn

  • No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
  • When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
  • If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
  • Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
  • You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
  • Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
  • School lunches stick to the wall.
  • You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
  • Never sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

What to do about Uncle George? How to spin the truth.


powered by ODEO

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included senators, pastors, and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The author said not to worry, he could handle that section of history tactfully.

When the book appeared, the family turned to the section on Uncle George. There, they read, "George Smith occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a real shock."

Valentine's Day Laughter

"The secret of a happy marriage? It remains a secret."
Henny Youngman

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
Rodney Dangerfield

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."
Billy Connelly

"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener!"
Anonymous

"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get Scent of a Woman. Her husband came back with A Fish Called Wanda."
Anonymous

Q to Z of Medical Definitions


Recovery Room -- Place to do upholstery

Rectum -- Nearly killed em
Scalpel -- What you stand on to clean windows in high rise buildings
Secretion -- Hiding something
Seizure -- A Roman emperor
Tablet -- A small table
Terminal illness -- Getting sick at the airport
Thalassotherophy -- Fear of the sea
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- The opposite of "you are out
Varicose -- Nearby
Vein -- Conceited

G to P of Medical Definitions

G.I. Series -- A baseball game between teams of soldiers
Genes -- What you wear cutting grass
Hangnail -- A coat hook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Labor pain -- Getting hurt at work
Medical staff -- A doctor's cane
Morbid -- A higher offer
Nitrates -- Cheaper than the day rate
Node -- Movement of head meaning yes
Organic -- An organ work repairman
Outpatient -- A person who has fainted
Pap Smear -- A lie about someone's father


Paralyze -- Two far fetched stories
Pelvis -- A cousin of Elvis
Pharmacist -- A person who makes living in agriculture
Phobopohobla -- Fear of phobias, or fear itself
Post-operative -- A letter carrier
Protein -- In favor of young people

A to F of Medical Definitions

Anti-body -- Against everyone
Artery -- The study of fine paintings
Bacteria -- The back door of a cafeteria
Barium -- What you do after CPR fails
Benign -- What you are after you be eight and before you be ten
Cardiac arrest -- Taken into custody after stealing a coupe deville
Cardiology Advance -- study of poker playing
CAT Scan -- Searching for the kitty
Cauterize -- To make eye contact with a woman
Cesaerean section -- A district in Rome
Charlie Horse -- A 10 to 1 long shot in the Kentucky Derby
Colic -- A sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fester -- Quicker

Fibula -- A small white lie


'Twas the month after Christmas

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had all gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvellous meals prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The punch and the candy, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d not said, “No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
“Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie--not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Why God never got a PhD

Please don't read this if you are easily offended.

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results
.9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he got his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

The question is "Do"

Do witches use spell checkers?

Do penguins have knees?

Do older people read the Bible more as they get older because they're cramming for their final exam?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

Do Typhoo Tea employees take coffee breaks?

Do landowners own a piece of land all the way to the center of the earth?

Do libraries put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?

Do bald people who work in restaurants have to wear hairnets?

Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?

Do French people say, "Pardon my English?" when they swear?