LUST -When all you write is your phone number.
LOVE -When you write poems about your partner.
MARRIAGE -When all you write is cheques.
LUST -When you phone each other to choose a hotel room.
LOVE -When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
MARRIAGE -When you phone each other to bitch about work.
LUST -When you steal everything they own.
LOVE -When you share everything you own.
MARRIAGE -When the bank owns everything.
LUST -When your tongues meet across a crowded room.
LOVE -When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE -When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.
LUST -When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all around.
LOVE -When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
MARRIAGE -When you're only concern is what's on TV.
LUST -When you only see each other naked.
LOVE -When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
MARRIAGE -When you never see each other awake.
LUST -When your loins twitch every time you see them.
LOVE -When your heart flutters every time you see them.
MARRIAGE -When your wallet empties every time you see them.
LUST -When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
LOVE -When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
MARRIAGE -When you listen to talk radio.
LUST -When staying together is something you try not to think about.
LOVE -When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE -When just getting through the day is your only thought.
LUST -When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
LOVE -When you're only interested in doing things WITH your partner.
MARRIAGE -When you're only interested in your golf handicap.
LUST -When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
LOVE -When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and make love.
MARRIAGE -When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.
LUST -You only leave the house to buy condoms.
LOVE -You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
MARRIAGE -You only leave the house when you're allowed to.
The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...
LUST -When all you write is your phone number.
- Raising teenagers is like trying to nail jelly to a tree.
- There's always ...
... A lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it: For example: I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
... A reason to smile: For example: Every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
- The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere...and let the air out of their tires.
- Families are like fudge...mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Middle age is when you choose cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
- The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
- If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
- Eat a live worm first thing in the morning, and nothing worse can happen to you the rest of the day.
- And you know you're getting old when you bend down to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
Application for Australian Citizenship
You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in order to qualify for Australian Citizenship
1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog?
2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?
3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:
a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40°C heat.
b) A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40°C heat.
c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues fine.
4. How many beers are there in a slab?
5. You call that a knife, this is a knife.
True or False?
6. Does "yeah-nah" mean
a) "Yes and no"
c) "Yes I understand, but no I don't agree"
7. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV character?
a) Toadie from Neighbours
b) Alf from Home & Away
c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection
d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?
8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages
a) Once or twice
b) As often as necessary to cook
c) After each stubby
d) Until charcoal?
9. Name three of the Daddo brothers.
10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?
11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:
a) Drinking beer at a mate's place
b) Drinking beer at the beach
c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy
d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?
12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?
13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?
14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?
15. Who are Scott and Charlene?
16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?
a) Squirt and spread with finger
b) Sauce injection straight into the middle?
17. If the police raided your home would you:
a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items?
b) Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain?
c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?
18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?
19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?
20. Thongs are:
a) Skimpy underwear
b) Casual footwear
c) They're called jandals, bro?
21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best?
22. What is someone more likely to die of:
a) Red Back Spider
b) Great White Shark
c) Victorian Police Officer
d) King Brown Snake
e) Your missus after a big night
23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?
24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh?
25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter....
26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.
27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:
a) Ricky Ponting?
b) Don Bradman?
c) John Howard?
d) Makybe Diva?
e) Non of the above?
28. Is it best to take a sick day:
a) When the cricket's on?
b) When the cricket's on?
c) When the cricket’s on?
29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?
30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?
31. What are Budgie smugglers?
32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?
33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?
34. A "Hoppoate" is:
a) A breed of kangaroo
b) A kind of Australian "wedgie"
c) A disgraced Rugby League player?
35. What does having a 'chunder' mean?
36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?
37. What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?
- No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
- When your mum is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.
- If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
- Never ask a 3-year old to hold a tomato.
- You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
- Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic-tac.
- School lunches stick to the wall.
- You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
- Never sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.