The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...
This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author,
Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU.
3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook 30 minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.
I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.
But I have not yet gone to college.
Mother: What's the matter Zoe? Why are you crying?
Little Girl: Because, I just want Tony Blair to come back, and I want him to be Prime Minister.
Little Girl: Because I just do!
Mother: Why do you want him to be Prime Minister still?
Little Girl: Because I love him!
Mother: But there's going to be a new Prime Minister. There's going to be a new Prime Minister, darling, called Gordon Brown.
Little Girl: NO!
Mother: You don't want him.
Little Girl: No, I want Tony Blair.
Here are a few excuses to help get you out of work during the summer.
“It was so hot yesterday that the wool suit I was wearing gave me this horrible rash. I don’t think I can make it into the office. My face and neck are just covered with this rash, and my legs as well. I think I’d really scare people, and it’s as itchy as hell…”
“I fell asleep in the sun yesterday, and I’ve got a really bad sunburn. I can barely move, and I think I might have to go to the doctor.”
“My air conditioner must have blown a fuse, and so my alarm clock didn’t go off this morning. And it got so stuffy in my apartment that it must have made me really oversleep. I can’t believe it’s almost noon… and I’m just totally dehydrated and not feeling too well. I don’t think I’ll be able to come in at all today.”
“I was doing volunteer community clean up work in the sun all day yesterday, and I worked myself so hard that I think I’m suffering from heatstroke. I’m not feeling well, so I better stay home today, just to make sure I’m okay.”
“I was swimming yesterday, and I accidentally swallowed a lot of water, and I’m not feeling too well today. Really queasy. I’m sure it’s nothing but I'd better stay at home, drink lots of water, and rest. I’m sure I’ll be fine by tomorrow.”
“My cat usually goes outside during the day while I’m at work, but right after I let him out, I realized how hot it was outside, and I just knew he should not be out in heat like this. I’ll come in as soon as I can, but I’ve got to find my cat. He just took off. I can’t find him. He’s a really furry cat and I just know he won’t do well in this heat. I’m so worried. I better get off the phone so I can keep looking for him.”
“I was rushing to get to work and I jumped into the car and the car seat was so hot that I burned the back of my legs. They’re all red and swollen and sore, so I think I’m going to have to let them heal today. It’s no big deal - I just wouldn’t be able to sit at my desk all day. But I’ll be in tomorrow.”
“I was walking around barefoot yesterday and I stepped on a nail. I could barely walk yesterday, and today it’s just a little bit better. I should be fine by tomorrow, but today, well, it still kind of hurts, and I also have to go to the doctor to get a tetanus shot.”
- 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
- You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
- You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.
- You know all of the people sleeping in your house.
- You carry an umbrella.
- Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.
- You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a club.
- Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.
- You don't have mice living in your kitchen.
- Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
- You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
- Your friends marry and divorce instead of getting together and breaking-up.
- You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.
- A £2 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
- You're the one calling the police because those bloody students next door won't turn down the music.
- You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.
- You can't persuade your roommates to "Drink till dawn."
- You always know where you are when you wake up.
- Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
- You feed your dog Eukeneba instead of McDonald"s.
- You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
- You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.
1. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
2. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
3. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
4. Tax - We've got what it takes to take what you have got.
5. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
6. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
7. I can handle pain until it hurts.
8. No matter where you go, you're there.
9. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
10. It's been Monday all week.