Committees, Conferences, Meetings and Teamwork

A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in an hour.
Elbert Hubbard

I've searched all the parks in all the cities and found no statues of committees. G K Chesterton

Committee: A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit to do the unnecessary.
Richard Harkness

Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work.
Laurence J. Peter

Any committee that is the slightest use is composed of people who are too busy to want to sit on it for a second longer than they have to.
Katharine Whitehorn

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen

A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles.
Will Rogers

Our meetings are held to discuss many problems which would never arise if we held fewer meetings.
Ashleigh Brilliant

When the outcome of a meeting is to have another meeting, it has been a lousy meeting.
Herbert Hoover

Meetings and the Law of Triviality ... briefly stated, it means that the time spent on any item of the agenda will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
C Northcote Parkinson

A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted.
Unknown

Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything.
John Kenneth Galbraith

Teamwork is wasting half of one's time explaining to others why they are wrong.
Georges Wolinski

Medical Definitions

Medical Definitions

Anti-body -- Against everyone
Artery -- The study of fine paintings
Bacteria -- The back door of a cafeteria
Barium -- What you do after CPR fails
Benign -- What you are after you be eight and before you be ten
Cardiac arrest -- Taken into custody after stealing a coupe deville
Cardiology Advance -- study of poker playing
CAT Scan -- Searching for the kitty
Cauterize -- To make eye contact with a woman
Cesaerean section -- A district in Rome
Charlie Horse -- A 10 to 1 long shot in the Kentucky Derby
Colic -- A sheep dog
Coma -- A punctuation mark
Congenital -- Friendly
D&C -- Where Washington is
Dilate -- To live long
Enema -- Not a friend
Fibula -- A small white lie
G.I. Series -- A baseball game between teams of soldiers
Genes -- What you wear cutting grass
Hangnail -- A coat hook
Impotent -- Distinguished, well known
Labor pain -- Getting hurt at work
Medical staff -- A doctor's cane
Morbid -- A higher offer
Nitrates -- Cheaper than the day rate
Node -- Movement of head meaning yes
Organic -- An organ work repairman
Paralyze -- Two far fetched stories
Pelvis -- A cousin of Elvis
Pharmacist -- A person who makes living in agriculture
Phobopohobla -- Fear of phobias, or fear itself
Post-operative -- A letter carrier
Protein -- In favor of young people
Rectum -- Nearly killed em
Scalpel -- What you stand on to clean windows in high rise buildings
Secretion -- Hiding something
Seizure -- A Roman emperor
Tablet -- A small table
Terminal illness -- Getting sick at the airport
Thalassotherophy -- Fear of the sea
Tumor -- An extra pair
Urine -- The opposite of "you are out
Varicose -- Nearby
Vein -- Conceited
Xenophobia -- fear of strangers or foreigners

'Twas the month after Christmas

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house
Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I’d nibbled, the eggnog I’d taste
At the holiday parties had all gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I’d remember the marvellous meals prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The punch and the candy, the bread and the cheese
And the way I’d not said, “No thank you, please.”
As I dressed myself in my husband’s old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
“You can’t spend a winter disguised as a man!”
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
“Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won’t have a cookie--not even a lick.
I’ll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won’t have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I’ll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I’m hungry, I’m lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn’t that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

Why God never got a PhD

Please don't read this if you are easily offended.

1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was written in Aramaic, not in English.
3. It has no references.
4. It wasn't even published in a refereed journal.
5. There are serious doubts he wrote it himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The Scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results
.9. He unlawfully performed not only Animal, but *Human* testing.
10. When one experiment went awry, he tried to cover it by drowning his subjects.
11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told his students to read the book.
13. Some say he got his son to teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

The question is "Do"

Do witches use spell checkers?

Do penguins have knees?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

Do landowners own a piece of land all the way to the center of the earth?

Do libraries put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?

Do bald people who work in restaurants have to wear hairnets?

Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?

Do French people say, "Pardon my English?" when they swear?