What to do about Uncle George? How to spin the truth.

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The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included senators, pastors, and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The author said not to worry, he could handle that section of history tactfully.

When the book appeared, the family turned to the section on Uncle George. There, they read, "George Smith occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a real shock."

Valentine's Day Laughter

"The secret of a happy marriage? It remains a secret."
Henny Youngman

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met."
Rodney Dangerfield

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but then again, so is a bicycle repair kit."
Billy Connelly

"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener!"
Anonymous

"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get Scent of a Woman. Her husband came back with A Fish Called Wanda."
Anonymous

Mistakes on a CV

The following statements are from actual CVs:-

• Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
• I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability.
• Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap.
• I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich.
• Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
• Number of dependents: 40.
• Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.

Reasons for Leaving the Previous Job:-

• Responsibility makes me nervous.
• They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.
• I was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
• I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
• The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

Job Responsibilities

• While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
• I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

Special Requests and Job Objectives:-

• Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
• My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
• I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

Physical Disabilities:-

• Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

Personal Interests:-

• Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.

Typos and Other Bloopers:-

• Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
• Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
• Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
• Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
• I'm a rabid typist.
• Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Men are from somewhere Women from somewhere else

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for €32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay €2 for a €1 item he wants.

A woman will pay €1 for a €2 item that she doesn't want.

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a hotel towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.