America's Next Top Model Spoof

French and Saunders are very well known in the UK. Here Jennifer auditions for an overly tall "Tyra Banks" played by Dawn French, in a parody of America's Next Top Model. Taken from "A Bucket O' French and Saunders".

I'm not going to...

Limerick Video

Flying Lessons

Mr Chigger Hello, I saw your advertisement for flying lessons and I'd like to make an appointment.
Second Secretary Well, Mr Anemone's on the phone at the moment, but I'm sure he won't mind if you go on in. Through here.
Mr Chigger Thank you.
Mr Anemone Ah, won't be a moment. Make yourself at home. No, no, well look, you can ask Mr Maudling but I'm sure he'll never agree. Not for fifty shillings ... no... no. Bye-bye Gordon. Bye-bye. Oh dear. Bye-bye. Missed. Now Mr er...
Mr Chigger Chigger.
Mr Anemone Mr Chigger. So, you want to learn to fly?
Mr Chigger Yes.
Mr Anemone Right, well, up on the table, arms out, fingers together, knees bent...
Mr Chigger No, no, no.
Mr Anemone (very loudly) Up on the table! Arms out, fingers together, knees bent, now, head well forward. Now, flap your arms. Go on, flap, faster... faster... faster... faster, faster, faster, faster - now jump! Rotten. Rotten. You're no bloody use at all. You're an utter bloody wash-out. You make me sick, you weed!
Mr Chigger Now look here...
Mr Anemone All right, all right. I'll give you one more chance, get on the table...
Mr Chigger Look, I came here to learn how to fly an aeroplane.
Mr Anemone A what?
Mr Chigger I came here to learn how to fly an aeroplane.
Mr Anemone Oh, 'an aeroplane'. Oh, I say, we are grand, aren't we? Oh, oh, no more buttered scones for me, mater. I'm off to play the grand piano. Pardon me while I fly my aeroplane. Now get on the table!
Mr Chigger Look. No one in the history of the world has ever been able to fly like that.
Mr Anemone Oh, I suppose mater told you that while you were out ridin'. Well, if people can't fly what am I doing up here?
Mr Chigger You're on a wire.
Mr Anemone Oh, a wire. I'm on a wire, am I?
Mr Chigger Of course you're on a bloody wire.
Mr Anemone I am not on a wire. I am flying.
Mr Chigger You're on a wire.
Mr Anemone I am flying.
Mr Chigger You're on a wire.
Mr Anemone I'll show you whether I'm on a wire or not. Give me the 'oop.
Mr Chigger What?
Mr Anemone Oh, I don't suppose we know what an 'oop is. I suppose pater thought they were a bit common, except on the bleedin' croquet lawn.
Mr Chigger Oh, a hoop.
Mr Anemone 'Oh an hoop.' Thank you, your bleeding Highness. Now. Look.
Mr Chigger Go on, right the way along.
Mr Anemone All right, all right, all right. There. Now, where's the bleeding wire, then?
Mr Chigger That hoop's got a hole in.
Mr Anemone Oh Eton and Madgalene. The hoop has an hole in. Of course it's got a hole in, it wouldn't be a hoop otherwise, would it, mush!
Mr Chigger No, there's a gap in the middle, there.
Mr Anemone Oh, a gahp. A gahp in one's hoop. Pardon me, but I'm off to play the grand piano.
Mr Chigger Look, I can see you're on a wire - look, there it is.
Mr Anemone Look, I told you, you bastard, I'm not on a wire.
Mr Chigger You are. There is.
Mr Anemone There isn't.
Mr Chigger Is.
Mr Anemone Isn't!
Mr Chigger Is!
Mr Anemone Isn't!
Mr Chigger Is!
Mr Anemone Isn't!
Mr Chigger Is!
Mr Anemone Isn't!!
Mr Chigger Is!!!
Voice Over Anyway, this rather pointless bickering went on for some time until...

Groan - Really bad jokes

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
"Damn."

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese. (Prounounce "Not your cheese.")

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out
of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a tortoise with no legs?
Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.

Groan - Puns

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Yes folks! More great one-liners

1. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
2. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
3. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
4. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
5. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
6. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
7. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
8. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
9. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
10. Who stopped the payment on my reality check?