To burp

To burp: A reflex that expels wind noisily from the stomach through the mouth.

Symonyms - belch and eruct.

If Only ...

If only Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, then their brilliant sketch, “Who’s on first?” might have turned out something like this:-

Costello calls Abbott to buy a computer:-

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up a home office and I need to buy a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W.”

COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it’s a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I’m at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue “1.”

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue “1.”

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?

ABBOTT: The blue “1″ is Real One and the blue “W” is word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in “office for windows!”

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it’s the most popular Word in the world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren’t many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.

COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real one isn’t even part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don’t start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on “START”…

Bohemian Rhapsody (Like you've never seen it)

The PPP (Potter Puppet Pals) team dances along to a humourous version of one of the greatest songs of all time!

Old people never die

Old academics never die, they just lose their faculties.

Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

Old actors never die, they just drop a part.

Old anthropologists never die, they just become history.

Old architects never die, they just lose their structure.

Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

Old bin men never die, they just waste away.

Old brewers never die, they just ferment away.

Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

Old chemists never die, they just smell that way.

Old cleaners never die, they just kick the bucket.

Old cricket players never die, they just go batty.

Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

Old exorcists never die, they just give up the ghost.

Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

Old fishermen never die, they just get reel tired.

Old investors never die, they just roll over.

Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

Old musicians never die, they just go from bar to bar.

Old photographers never die, they get sent to the old focus home.

Old priests never die, they just go out to pastor.

Old programmers never die, they just lose their memory.

Old salesmen never die, they just go out of commission.

Old Scots never die, but they can be kilt.

Old skiers never die, but they go downhill fast.

Old weathermen never die, they reign forever.

Old yachtsmen never die, they just keel over.

A world without writers

I am an old age pensioner

I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.

I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...

I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.

I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not grumpy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, animals, children, politicians...

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...

I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.

I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.

I'm a walking store of facts... I've just lost the key to the store.

I'm an old age pensioner and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?

I've nearly run out of one-liners, but not quite.

1. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
2. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
3. A day without sunshine is like, night.
4. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
5. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
6. Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
7. Life is too complicated in the morning.
8. We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die.
9. Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
10. Ask me about my vow of silence.