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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

Wish I had a home for Christmas

For the breathing spaces project.

Christmas Quotes

A special for Christmas Day:-

"Christmas is a race to see which gives out first - your money or your feet."

"Santa Claus wears a red suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, he must be a hippie. And what is in that pipe that he's smoking?"


"Let us remember that the Christmas heart is a giving heart, a wide open heart that thinks of others first. The birth of the baby Jesus stands as the most significant event in all history, because it has meant the pouring into a sick world of the healing medicine of love which has transformed all manner of hearts for almost two thousand years... Underneath all the bulging bundles is this beating Christmas heart." George Matthew Adams

"Let me see if I've got this Santa business straight. You say he wears a beard, has no discernible source of income and flies to cities all over the world under cover of darkness? You sure this guy isn't laundering illegal drug money?" Tom Armstrong

"Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space." Dave Barry


"Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year." Victor Borge

"Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family... " Berke Breathed

"There has been only one Christmas - the rest are anniversaries." W.J. Cameron

"Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered." Phyllis Diller

"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." Phyllis Diller

"Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven." W.C. Fields

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark." Dick Gregory

"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." Johnny Carson

"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included." Bernard Manning

"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." Jay Leno

"A Christmas shopper's complaint is one of long-standing." Jay Leno

"Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love." Hamilton Wright Mabi

"I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month." Harlan Miller

"There is no ideal Christmas; only the one Christmas you decide to make as a reflection of your values, desires, affections, traditions." Bill McKibben

"Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year." P. J. O'Rourke

"There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmas time. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them." P.J. O'Rourke.

"Christmas waves a magic wand over this world, and behold, everything is softer and more beautiful." Norman Vincent Peale

"Peace on earth will come to stay, when we live Christmas every day." Helen Steiner Rice

"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." Joan Rivers

"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." Shirley Temple


"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes

"Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall." Larry Wilde


"The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other."

"If there is no joyous way to give a festive gift, give love away."

Funny names

Some of them are very obvious, some of them I've given you some help, but if there are any you don't understand, or if there are any I've missed (clean ones) let me know in the comments:-

Adam Zapel (adam's apple)
Al Bino (albino)
Al Dente
Al Fresco
Alf A. Romeo (Alpha Romeo)
Ali Katt (alley cat)
Amanda Lynn (a mandolin)
Andy Friese (antifreeze)
Anita Bath (I need a bath)
Anna Prentice (an apprentice)
Anna Recksiek (anorexic)
Anna Sasin (an assassin)
Anne Teak (antique)
Annette Curtain (a net curtain)
Aretha Holly (a wreath of holly)
Barb Dwyer (barbed wire)
Barb E. Dahl (Barbie doll)
Barbara Seville (barber of Seville)
Barry Cade (barricade)
Bea Minor (be a miner)
Ben Dover (bend over)
Eileen Dover (I leaned over)
Bill Board
Bill Ding (building)
Bill Loney (baloney)
Bob Apple
Bob Katz (bob cats)
Tom Katz (tom cats)
Kitty Katz (kitty cats)
Brandon Cattell (branding cattle)
Brandy D. Cantor (brandy decanter)
Brock Lee (broccoli)
Brooke Trout (brook trout)
Cam Payne (campaign)
Candy Barr (candy bar)
Candy Kane (candy cane)
*Carol Tune.
Carrie Oakey (karaoke)
Cheri Pitts (cherry pits)
Chris P. Bacon (crispy bacon)
Claire Annette (clarinet)
Constance Noring (constant snoring)
Crystal Ball
Dan D. Lyons (dandelions)
Dan Druff (dandruff)
Dick Burns
Dinah Soares (dinosaurs)
Don Key (donkey)
Doug Graves (dug graves)
Doug Hole (dug hole)
Dr. Croak
Dr. Payne (Dr Pain)
Drew Peacock
Duane Pipe (drain pipe)
Dusty Rhodes (dusty roads)
Edna May (or may not)
Earl E. Bird (early bird)
Earl Lee Riser (early riser)
Easton West (east and west)
Ella Vader (elevator)
Ford Parker
Forrest Green (forest green)
Gaye Barr (gay bar)
Gail Storm
Hazel Nutt (hazel nut)
Heidi Clare (I declare)
*Helen Beck (Hell and back)
Holly Day (holiday)
Holly Wood (Hollywood)
Hugh Jass (huge ass)
Jean Poole (gene pool)
Jed Dye (Jedi)
Jim Shorts (gym short)
Jo King (joking)
Justin Case (just in case)
*Justin Time (just in time)
Lance Boyle (lance boil)
Leigh King (leaking)
Marsha Mellow (marshmallow)
Marshall Law
Mary Christmas (merry christmas)
Max Power
May Day
May Furst (May first)
Mel Loewe (mellow)
Mike Stand
Minny van Gogh (mini van go)
Misty Waters
Misty Shore (along with Rocky and Sandy)
Mo Lestor (molester)
Mona Lott (moan a lot)
Muddy Waters
Myles Long (miles long)
Neil Down (kneel down)
Noah Lott (know a lot)
Norma Leigh Lucid (normally lucid)
Olive Yew (I love you)
Oliver Sutton (all of a sudden)
Orson Carte (horse and cart)
Otto Graf (autograph)
Owen Moore (owing more)
Paige Turner (page turner)
Pat Downe
Pearl Button
Pearl E. Gates (pearly gates)
Pearl E. White (pearly white)
Peg Legge (peg leg)
Penny Lane
Penny Wise
Polly Ester (polyester)
*Poppy Seeds
Ray Gunn
Raynor Schein (rain or shine)
Rick Shaw (rickshaw)
Rip Torn
Rob Banks
Rocky Rhoades
Roman Holiday
Rose Bush
Rose Gardner
Rusty Carr
Sally Forth
Sandy Banks
Sonny Day (sunny day)
Tanya Hyde (tan your hide)
Terry Bull (terrible)
Tim Burr (timber)
Tom Morrow (tomorrow)
Trina Forest (tree in a forest)
Ty Coon
Ty Knotts (tie knots)
Warren Peace (war and peace)
Will Power
Willie Stroker
Woody Forrest

*Added by visitors. Please feel free to add your own, they might make it onto the list.

Thanks to Bildgesmythe and Peter Jordan for their additions.

Letters to the council

These are quotes from letters allegedly collected by staff at London's Islington Council Housing Department. Written by council tenants to the housing department, requesting maintenance attention of various sorts, they are the stuff of legend now. If you read something into the words, that's entirely down to you:-

"I wish to report that tiles are missing from the roof of the outside toilet and I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off."

"Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now it is in three pieces."

"I am writing on behalf of my sink which is coming away from the wall."

"I am still having trouble with smoke in my built in drawers."

"The lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?"

"I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage."

"Their 18 year old son is continuously banging his balls against my fence."

"I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off."

"Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant."

"I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

"Can you please tell me when the repairs will be done as my wife is about to become an expectant mother."

"The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared."

"This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2."

"Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink."

"Would you please send a man to repair my sprout. I am an old age pensioner and need it straight away."

"I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's getting too much."

"The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous."

"Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so will you please send someone around to do something about it."

"I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would be pleased if you could do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night."

"Please send a man with clean tools to finish the job and satisfy the wife."

"I have had the Clerk of the Works down on the floor six times, but still have no satisfaction."

"We are getting married in September and would like it in the garden before we move into the house."

If Microsoft Made Oven Dinners

The instructions would look something like this:-

You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honour Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.

If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes:

\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat// .

Then enter ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\l/yum~yum-) gohot#cookme

If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner exactly to your specification.

Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter the following:-

ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again.again.crap

This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.

Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.

Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.

Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance. Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

The story of the 7-legged spider

I don't suggest anyone do this, and I'm not sure if it's really a true story, but it should be. You can see the drawings on his web site. Used with permission.

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,

Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead. I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

Attachment - Drawing of a 7-legged spider

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,

Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,

You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Attachment - Drawing of a 7-legged spider



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane,

Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,

Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th. David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95. Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely,

Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thank you for contacting me. I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards,

David


From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello,

I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb omission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards,

David

Attachment - Drawing of an 8-legged spider (suspiciously like the first one, with an extra leg drawn on.)

From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,

As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lieu of money for accounts outstanding. We accept cheques, bank cheques, money orders or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely,

Jane Gilles


From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definitely make a payment this week, if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards,

David.


From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?


Attachment - Drawing of an 8-legged spider

(The story doesn't end here. Seemingly the email attachment was subsequently sold on eBay for $15,000! Full story here.)

Don't lose your head


don't lose your head
Originally uploaded by Cryptik
To lose your head can mean to not have control of your emotions or to suddenly become very angry or upset.


But this is a government advertisement, uploaded by Cryptik, warning people to stay alert when using your card to get money or pay for something. See the rest of the woman in the background and the guy behind her trying to get a look at her code.

Actually, that woman could be me, going all big-eyed on seeing all that candy. ;-D

10 Commandments of Computer Use

From the Computer Ethics Institute, Washington D.C.

  1. Thou shalt not use a computer to harm other people
  2. Thou shalt not interfere with other people's computer work
  3. Thou shalt not snoop around in other people's computer files
  4. Thou shalt not use a computer to steal
  5. Thou shalt not use a computer to bear false witness
  6. Thou shalt not copy or use proprietary software for which you have not paid
  7. Thou shalt not use other people's computer resources without authorization or proper compensation
  8. Thou shalt not appropriate other people's intellectual output
  9. Thou shalt think about consequences of the program you are writing or the system you are designing
  10. Thou shalt always use a computer in ways that ensure consideration and respect for your fellow humans.

You know you're suffering from technological overload when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that you don't have their e-mail address.

6. You pull up outside the house and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping.

7. Every ad on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.

8. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to mail this link to.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list

Post Election Partum

So now what? That's what lots of Obama supporters are left wondering.

Do I look like a grocery item to you, you keep on checking me out!

To check something out has various meanings:-

It can mean to settle your bill before leaving a hotel etc.

For example: I had to check out of the room at 6am!

It can also mean to withdraw (an item) after recording the withdrawal.

For example: One duty of a librarian is to check out books.

Then it may mean to record and total up the prices of and receive payment for (items being purchased) at a retail store.

For example: The cashier checked out and bagged my shopping.

It can also mean to investigate, examine, or look at.

For example: The police checked out his story.

But to check someone out can mean to look at someone of the opposite sex with interest, which is the implication here.

!Note - to check out is also slang for dying.

For example: I'm not ready to check out any time soon.

Sarah Palin Prank Call

I just couldn't resist sharing this prank call made to Republican Sarah Palin, want to be Vice President of the USofA.



Here's the transcript:-

Sarah Palin: This is Sarah.
Masked Avengers: Ah, yeah, Gov. Palin.
Palin: Hello.
Avengers: Just hold on for President Sarkozy, one moment.
Palin: Oh, it's not him yet, they're saying. I always do that.
Avengers: Yes, hello, Gov. Palin.
Palin: Hello, this is Sarah, how are you?
AVENGERS: Fine, and you? This is Nicolas Sarkozy speaking, how are you?
PALIN: Oh, it's so good to hear you. Thank you for calling us.
AVENGERS: Oh, it's a pleasure.
PALIN: Thank you sir, we have such great respect for you, John McCain and I. We love you and thank you for taking a few minutes to talk to me.
AVENGERS: I follow your campaigns closely with my special American adviser Johnny Hallyday, you know?
PALIN: Yes, good.
AVENGERS: Excellent. Are you confident?
PALIN: Very confident and we're thankful that polls are showing that the race is tightening and...
AVENGERS: Well I know very well that the campaign can be exhausting. How do you feel right now, my dear?
PALIN: I feel so good. I feel like we're in a marathon and at the very end of the marathon you get your second wind and you plow to the finish.
AVENGERS: You see, I got elected in France because I'm real and you seem to be someone who's real, as well.
PALIN: Yes, yeah. Nico, we so appreciate this opportunity.
AVENGERS: You know I see you as a president one day, too.
PALIN: Maybe in eight years.
AVENGERS: Well, I hope for you. You know, we have a lot in common because personally one of my favourite activities is to hunt, too.
PALIN: Oh, very good. We should go hunting together.
AVENGERS: Exactly, we could try go hunting by helicopter like you did. I never did that. Like we say in French, on pourrait tuer des bebe phoque s, aussi [translation: we can kill baby seals also].
PALIN: Well, I think we could have a lot of fun together while we're getting work done. We can kill two birds with one stone that way.
AVENGERS: I just love killing those animals. Mmm, mmm, take away life, that is so fun. I'd really love to go, so long as we don't bring along Vice-President Cheney.
PALIN: No, I'll be a careful shot, yes.
AVENGERS: Yes, you know we have a lot in common also, because except from my house I can see Belgium. That's kind of less interesting than you.
PALIN: Well, see, we're right next door to different countries that we all need to be working with, yes.
AVENGERS: Some people said in the last days and I thought that was mean that you weren't experienced enough in foreign relations and you know that's completely false. That's the thing that I said to my great friend, the prime minister of Canada Stef Carse.
PALIN: Well, he's doing fine, too, and yeah, when you come into a position underestimated it gives you an opportunity to prove the pundits and the critics wrong. You work that much harder.
AVENGERS: I was wondering because you are so next to him, one of my good friends, the prime minister of Quebec, Mr. Richard Z. Sirois, have you met him recently? Did he come to one of your rallies?
PALIN: I haven't seen him at one of the rallies but it's been great working with the Canadian officials. I know as governor we have a great co-operative effort there as we work on all of our resource-development projects. You know, I look forward to working with you and getting to meet you personally and your beautiful wife. Oh my goodness, you've added a lot of energy to your country with that beautiful family of yours.
AVENGERS: Thank you very much. You know my wife Carla would love to meet you, even though you know she was a bit jealous that I was supposed to speak to you today.
PALIN: Well, give her a big hug for me.
AVENGERS: You know my wife is a popular singer and a former top model and she's so hot in bed. She even wrote a song for you.
PALIN: Oh my goodness, I didn't know that.
AVENGERS: Yes, in French it's called de rouge a levre sur un cochon [translation: lipstick on a pig], or if you prefer in English, Joe the Plumber...it's his life, Joe the Plumber.
PALIN: Maybe she understands some of the unfair criticism but I bet you she is such a hard worker, too, and she realizes you just plow through that criticism.
AVENGERS: I just want to be sure. I don't quite understand the phenomenon Joe the Plumber. That's not your husband, right?
PALIN: That's not my husband but he's a normal American who just works hard and doesn't want government to take his money.
AVENGERS: Yes, yes, I understand we have the equivalent of Joe the Plumber in France. It's called Marcel, the guy with bread under his armpit.
PALIN: Right, that's what it's all about, the middle class and government needing to work for them. You're a very good example for us here.
AVENGERS: I see a bit about NBC, even Fox News wasn't an ally as much as usual.
PALIN: Yeah, that's what we're up against.
AVENGERS: Gov. Palin, I love the documentary they made on your life. You know Hustler's Nailin' Paylin?
PALIN: Ohh, good, thank you, yes.
AVENGERS: That was really edgy.
PALIN: Well, good.
AVENGERS: I really loved you and I must say something also, governor, you've been pranked by the Masked Avengers. We are two comedians from Montreal.
PALIN: Ohhh, have we been pranked? And what radio station is this?
AVENGERS: CKOI in Montreal.
PALIN: In Montreal? Tell me the radio station call letters.
AVENGERS: CK...hello?

Notes

Johnny Hallyday (born Jean-Philippe Smet) is a French singer and actor. An icon in the French-speaking world since the beginning of his career, he is considered by some to be the French equivalent of Elvis Presley.

Stef Carse is a Canadian pop and country singer from Quebec, not the prime minister of Canada.

Note for Ms Palin: Stephen Harper is the current Prime Minister (has been since 2006). Now I have to admit, I didn't know this, but I would have had the grace to admit it.

Credit Crunch Mergers

Thanks to James for this:-

For anyone with any money left, take a look at the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor:-

Watch for these consolidations in late 2008 or early 2009:


1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become:

HaleMaryFullerGrace

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
PolyWarnerCracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor UPS and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

Would You Feel Reassured?

In the event of a nuclear attack during the cold war, the authoritative voice of the British broadcaster's Wartime Broadcasting Service would have transmitted a list of advice every two hours. The idea was that people would have been reassured:-

"This country has been attacked with nuclear weapons. Communications have been severely disrupted, and the number of casualties and the extent of the damage are not yet known," the message started.

Remember, there is nothing to be gained by trying to get away. By leaving your homes you could be exposing yourselves to greater danger... Radioactive fall-out, which followed a nuclear explosion, is many times more dangerous if you are directly exposed to it in the open. Stay tuned to this wavelength, stay calm and stay in your own homes.

Stay in your own homes, and if you live in an area where a fall-out warning has been given stay in your fall-out room, until you are told it is safe to come out.

The message that the immediate danger has passed will be given by the sirens and repeated on this wavelength. Make sure that the gas and all fuel supplies are turned off and that all fires are extinguished.

Water must be rationed, and used only for essential drinking and cooking purposes. It must not be used for flushing lavatories. Ration your food supply: it may have to last for 14 days or more.

We shall repeat this broadcast in two hours' time. Stay tuned to this wavelength, but switch your radios off now to save your batteries until we come on the air again.

That is the end of this broadcast."

Zen Thoughts and Advice

01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

04. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

09. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

AND

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Is Speaking English Bad for Your Health?

The Chinese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or Americans.
The Latinos eat lots of Chilli and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British, Australians or American

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is what kills you.

Thanks to Lokenrc.

More Alternative Meanings

The Washington Post has come up with some more gems for alternative meanings for words:-

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Frisbatarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Hey Little Kitty



"I got this little kitty about 2 months back
he was the nicest little kitty, now a pain in my crack
This little kitty is a ninja, always stalking my feet
This little kitty is a warrior you know what I mean.

he's an evil little kitty look what he did to my hand
tries to get in trouble in any way that he can
I could give this cat a toy, but he'd rather have the wrapper
and I will always give him water, but he still drinks from the crapper.

You could lock him in a closet and he just won't care
kitty chews on my shoes and he licks my hair
always scratching on my favorite chair and jumping on the couch
playing in the window sills and tearing through the house.

He's so full of energy and easily amused
kitty will attack anything that moves
Causing trouble, starting battles just so he could be a little part of
he's a meanest little kitty so we named him Sparta.

Hey little Sparta what is with all the fight
little bitty kitty wanna bite bite bite?
Hey little Sparta what is with all the fight
little bitty kitty wanna bite bite bite?
Hey little Sparta what is with all the fight
little bitty kitty wanna bite bite bite?
Hey little Sparta what is with all the fight
little bitty kitty wanna bite?

Where'd you go
are you stalking me?
are you under the couch, quite possibly
ears laid back so you don't get caught
ready to pounce my leg with everything that you got.

I know you're probably watching me from across the room
concentrating contemplating on attacking me soon
You're not invisible kitty, I'm gonna find you first
Come out come out before I make things worse.

I've seen where you hide and I know where you've been
Hey kitty why don't you give in
Even if you try to sneak up on me, I'm prepared
Cause I've got my safety gear on and I'm not scared.

I think I hear a kitty cat under the bed
I know your making noises just to mess with my head
You can stalk me all you want, but I'm not your prey
cause you always seem to find me first, but not today.

Hey little sparta what is with all the fight
little bitty kitty wanna bite bite bite
Hey little sparta what is with all the fight
little bitty kitty wanna bite bite bite
Hey little sparta what is with all the fight
little bitty kitty wanna bite bite bite
Hey little sparta what is with all the fight
Come on out, I'm gonna get you now.

I've got 'em cornered
and now he's mine
He's not gonna get away this time
I'll snatch him up fast before he can blink and then...
Aw man! He's asleep in the sink.

What is with this cat? I'm confused
He's got a bed, but it's never been used
In every waking moment, kitty's out for the fight
then [fart] next minute kitty's out like a light.

How could I let this creature live inside of my home
I gotta keep an eye on him when I'm on the phone
I'm a little afraid to leave this cat all alone
this kitty may destroy everything that I own.

Look at him now, I kinda feel bad
He's the best little cat that I've had
and the one big thing I forgot to mention, was that
He wasn't fighting, he just wanted attention.

Hey little Sparta what is with all the fight
little bitty kitty wanna bite bite bite
Hey little Sparta what is with all the fight
little bitty kitty wanna bite bite bite
Hey little Sparta what is with all the fight
little bitty kitty wanna bite bite bite
Hey little Sparta what is with all the fight
showing love, that's all this kitty does"

An IQ test

1. A plane is traveling from America to Canada, unfortunately just as it reaches the border it crashes. Where should they bury the survivors, in America, or in Canada?

2. It's mid-winter and there is a strong wind blowing from the north. In which direction are the leaves being blown?

3.
You're the driver of a bus. You stop at a corner and pick up 3 people. At the second stop 2 people get off and 5 people get on. At the next stop 7 people get on and 4 people get off. At the fourth stop, 7 people get on and 6 people get off. Finally, at the last stop, 3 people get on and 5 people get off. How old is the bus driver?

4.
Which is correct: Five and four are eight, or five and four is eight?

5.
How many members of each type of animal did Moses take on the ark?

6.
There is a yellow bungalow, everything in it is yellow. The doors are yellow, the walls are yellow, the sofa is yellow, even the fridge is yellow. What colour are the stairs?


See below for the answers:-



















1 - You don't bury survivors.

2 - It's mid-winter, there are no leaves on the trees.

3 - Whatever age you are. You are the bus driver.

4 - Neither. Five and four equals nine, not eight.



5 - None. Moses didn't bring any animals onto the ark, it was Noah.


6 - There are no stairs in a bungalow.



MSN vs Google



Google:
Your new system hasn't gotten many users
They only use Vista cuz it came on their computers.
Step to me - I'll wrestle you blue
My dyslexic fans, they call me "El Goog"
Well connected - I got crazy links
S-E-O just means what Google thinks
Smart people, they wanna work for me
That's why I jack you for your employees.
Gmails got females - on fire like foxes
I'm six gigs deep, up in their inboxes
Search market share: 4% you
68 me. This battle rap is through

MSN:
Somebody say MSN! MSN!
You bought You Tube for 2 billion bucks
He bought You Tube, the search still sucks
Your icon's a joke - it's just a doodle
Your name sounds like a baby retard poodle.
Your net apps - they're slow- they don't work,
Nobody uses them, they go for the search.
I own your platform, I own IE,
I own all degrees of the game, 360
You steal my people? Here's the stor-y
I buy Facebook and jack your employees.
You might have users, but they'll soon be leavin' ya
cuz your search results say search Wikipedia.

What not to say to a policeman

Hey, you must’ve been doing’ about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

I'm sorry, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a policeman.

Would you mind holding my beer while I find my driver’s license?

You know, I was going to be a policeman, but I decided to finish college instead.

You’re NOT going to check the boot, are you?

That’s terrific. The policeman yesterday only gave me a warning too!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.

Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at Burger King?

Call Centre Conversations

Samsung Electronics
Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't know who you are talking about'.
Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?'
Operator: 'I think jack means the telephone point on the wall'.

-----------------------

RAC Motoring Services
Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?'
Operator: ' Doesn't the product name give you a clue?'

-----------------------

Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France ):
'If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering wheel
to the other side of the car?'

-----------------------

Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off'.

-----------------------

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland'.

-----------------------

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on'.

-----------------------

Tech Support: 'OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?'
Customer: 'Wow. How can you see my screen from there?'

-----------------------

Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?'.

-----------------------

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual
dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a see-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle, it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them that you're too effing stupid to own a computer!'

How's Norma?

This is allegedly a true story from my friend James:

An old woman telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, 'Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?'

The operator said, 'I'll be glad to help. What's the name and room number?' The old lady in her weak tremulous voice said, ' Norma Findlay , Room 302.' the operator replied, 'Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse'.

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, 'Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.'

The grandmother, said, 'Thank you so much. That's wonderful news. I was so worried! God bless you.' The operator replied, 'You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?'

The grandmother said, 'No, I'm Norma Findlay in room 302. No one tells me anything!'

German Ambassador of Humour

Please note - I actually like East Germany, but this does represent how some view the "other side".

What not to say at a job interview

1. This suit has been in my family for five generations. Fail to appear well groomed and you've failed before you've said a word.

2. You think this is disorganized. Wait till you see me on work projects. Neglecting to bring information required on the application, or bringing too few copies of your mistake-free CV, looks just plain careless.

3. I'd rather watch Stupid Criminals than research your company. Bone up on recent new business the company has landed or write-ups about the firm in trade publications.

4. I expect you to provide the exact job I want on my terms -- now. Say too much about the job you want and you risk eliminating yourself.

5. I could care less -- but not much less. You don't want an awkward silence when asked if you have any questions. Speak up.

6. If you hire me, you'd better get your own résumé up to date. Come across as overly aggressive and you may scare the interviewer into rejecting you.

7. You might want to have security frisk me before I leave. Sharing confidential information about past or present employers will make the interviewer wonder if you can be trusted.

8. I think you're not playing with a full deck. If you're asked the "What are your weaknesses?" question, the interviewer wants a straight answer. Mention one noncritical area you'd like to polish.

9. I'm just going to go ahead and answer the question I wish you'd asked. Failing to answer the question that was actually posed will frustrate the interviewer.

10. I'll be a huge drain on company morale. A negative attitude regarding your current or past employers or colleagues will make your stock drop.

11. Ask not what I can do for you. What can you do for me? Asking questions about salary or benefits prior to getting a job offer is a major turnoff.

12. Why did we meet? Candidates who leave without underscoring their great interest in being hired are quickly forgotten.

Exam Qs&A s

The following questions and answers were collated from British GCSE exams (16 year olds)!

Geography
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Sociology
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Biology
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium, theborax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.

Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does *varicose- mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term *Caesarean Section.
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

English
Q: Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Technology
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears.

50 ways to fail an exam

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "Oh gee! I'd better get cracking!" Scribble furiously. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"

3. If it is a math or science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer or essay exam, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read the questions aloud and debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out sarcastically, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, and sit down. About five minutes into the exam, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture this semester! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a video game. Play it with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example, write "I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs". Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor and say "They've found me. I have to leave the country," and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a bad case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Complete the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For maths or science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she or he is not looking. Look at the person nearest to you and say, "I can't believe you just did that!"

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam papers, eat them.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes in. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, swear loudly and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts. Tell the instructor that whether or not everyone's finished, you are all leaving after an hour to go for a drink.

26. At some point during the exam, start crying for your mummy.

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him or her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper."

28. Comment on how attractive the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "The phantom of the opera is here, inside your mind," until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? 'Neighbours' is on!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Enough said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to 'Mastermind'. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to 'Dambusters'.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is maths or science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Work PI and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets from another class (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask him or her to work it out for you.

41. Take your Gameboy into the exam.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, and start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the Mexican wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, and telegrams sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. This includes desks, chairs, and anything you can reach. You might want to take a screwdriver in with you.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you and play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, claim "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the student handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor (name) Sucks."

Insurance Claims

More accident claim forms from a major insurance company:-

1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

6. The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

8. I was on my way to the doctor’s with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

9. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

10. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

11. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

12. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

13. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

14. When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

15. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

16. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

17. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

18. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

Little Red Riding Hood - Politically Correct Version

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and spring water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own self hood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.

"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.

"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!

This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.
"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any antacid?"

Non stop barking



And in Rapid City, South Dakota, a West Highland Terrier, has been barking continuously for six straight years today.

Insurance Claim

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me...I again lost my presence of mind...and let go of the rope!

You know you're a mum when...

  • Your feet stick to jam on the kitchen floor ... and you just don't care.
  • When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding (usually if you have two or three boys).
  • You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and then run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate it downstairs in the laundry basket.
  • Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child screaming for attention from you.
  • Ice lollies become a food staple.
  • Your favourite television show is a cartoon.
  • You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.
  • You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the cold caller and HE hangs up on YOU!
  • Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
  • You count the hundreds and thousands on each kid's fairy cake to make sure they're equal.
  • You hide in the bathroom to be alone. (This is bad)
  • You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.
  • You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
  • You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still manage to gain 10 pounds.
  • Your day consists of hoovering, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons,folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, NOT you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog.

Thanks to Chewks.

EU Directive

EU Directive No. 456179.

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency,all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Unusual Australian Place Names

A-Z of unusual Australian place names

From James

Amphitheatre (Vic)
A hamlet in Victoria's Pyrenees ranges, originating from the gold mining rush, located in a hollow between two hills which roughly resembles an amphitheatre. Pleasant picnic spot, unless you're a gladiator.

Boing Boing (NT)
Meaning "mosquitoes buzzing" in Aboriginal, Boing Boing narrowly takes the cake for the most unusual place name beginning with "B" — it narrowly beat Blighty in NSW, which probably reminded somebody of home.

Come by chance (NSW)
Immortalised in a Banjo Patterson poem, this settlement in north-western New South Wales got its name from pastoralists who happened upon a large vacant block, while en route somewhere else more promising.

Diapur (Vic)
Diapur, in Victoria's Wimmera region, just beats Dunedoo in New South Wales as Australia's oddest sounding place beginning with "D". Named after the area's black swans, Diapur is particularly popular with babies.

Ehrenbreitstein (SA)
Sadly, like many South Australian towns named by German migrants, this town no longer exists. Its name was changed to Mount Yerila by the 1917 Nomenclature Act as it was one of 69 place names considered to indicate enemy origin following World War I. Other lost names include Wusser's Nob and Pflaum, renamed Hundred of Geegeela possibly because it was much frequented by horses.

Foul Bay (SA)
Named by Matthew Flinders in 1802 because of its poor anchorage, this bay on the Yorke Peninsula is far nicer than its moniker suggests. Also nearby is the delightful sounding Tiddy Widdy Beach.

Gingin (WA)
This town north of Perth sounds good enough to drink. The Aboriginal meaning is "place of many streams".

Humpybong (Qld)
Lovely name originating from when the British abandoned the area in favour of settling Brisbane, leaving behind empty huts or "humpies". Humpybong means "dead shelters" in Aboriginal.

Innaloo (WA)
Perth suburb with a fruit market called Innaloo Fresh (we kid you not!) and a shopping plaza, presumably with plenty of indoor restrooms.

Jimcumbilly (NSW)
Tiny settlement and disused railway station located near Bombala, inland from the New South Wales south coast. Mystery surrounds the meaning of its Aboriginal name.

Provocative Yorkeys Knob (Qld)

Knuckey Lagoon (NT)
Near Darwin and actually a wildlife reserve, rather than a place popular with couples. Just beats Kurri Kurri in New South Wales, where good Indian cuisine is guaranteed.

Loos (SA)
This settlement's original German name, Buchsfelde, was considered offensive during World War I so they came up with this much better alternative.

Mount Buggery (Vic)
The evocative and typically Aussie name, Mount Buggery, cannot be bettered anywhere in Australia — although WA's Muchea (as in "there's nothing muchea"), a corruption of the Aboriginal word Muchela, is excellent too.

Nowhere Else (Tas)
Located near Devonport in north-western Tasmania, there really is "nowhere else", like Nowhere Else.

Ozenkadnook (Vic)
An almost unpronounceable place name in the West Wimmera region bordering South Australia and meaning "very fat kangaroo" in Aboriginal.

Poowong (Vic)
This Gippsland town with smelly connotations appropriately got its name from the Aboriginal word for "carrion" or "putrefaction".

Queanbeyan (NSW/ACT)
Close to Canberra and meaning "clear water", a place fit for pollies and insect royalty.

Rooty Hill (NSW)
Area in western Sydney named by Governor King in 1802. Disappointingly, the name refers to roots exposed in fields around the hill following floods.

Smiggin Holes (NSW)
Popular ski resort that got its Scottish name from pools formed in rocks by cattle.

Tom Ugly (NSW)
Tom Ugly Point, near Sylvania in Sydney's south, is named after an Aboriginal Australian who lived in a rock shelter in this area during the mid-19th century. His nickname was said to be ironic as he was a strong, handsome fellow.

Uki (NSW)
Pronounced "yook-eye", this River Tweed dairy town's name originates from the Aboriginal word for "fern with edible roots" and just beats Ubobo in Queensland.

Vite Vite (Vic)
Vite Vite, on the railway line close to Pura Pura and Nerrin Nerrin in South Western Victoria, may have got its name from the French word for "quick", as in "I hope the train arrives double quick".

Wonglepong (Qld)
Although New South Wales has Woolloomooloo (meaning young kangaroo), and Wards Mistake (named after bushranger Frederick Ward), Queensland's delightfully named Wonglepong, possibly meaning "forgotten sound" in Aboriginal, pips them all, and also tramples all over Victoria's Wurt Wurt Kurt as number one "W".

Xantippe (WA)
Australia's only place name beginning with "X" is found near Dalwallinu in the WA wheat belt, and got its name from workers on the rabbit-proof fence. On discovering that the granite ground they were working on was almost impenetrable, they called the place Xantippe, after the wife of Greek philosopher Socrates, reputedly a very hard woman!

Yorkeys Knob (Qld)
Located just north of Cairns, it got its name from a fisherman from Yorkshire, George Yorkey Lawson, who lived nearby in the late 19th century. Locals have since resisted attempts to rename it Yorkeys Beach, fond as they are of the original moniker, despite the reactions it sometimes provokes.

Zeehan (Tas)
Former silver and lead mining town in Tassie's south-west that gets its name from one of Abel Tasman's ships.