Please note - I actually like East Germany, but this does represent how some view the "other side".
The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...
1. This suit has been in my family for five generations. Fail to appear well groomed and you've failed before you've said a word.
2. You think this is disorganized. Wait till you see me on work projects. Neglecting to bring information required on the application, or bringing too few copies of your mistake-free CV, looks just plain careless.
3. I'd rather watch Stupid Criminals than research your company. Bone up on recent new business the company has landed or write-ups about the firm in trade publications.
4. I expect you to provide the exact job I want on my terms -- now. Say too much about the job you want and you risk eliminating yourself.
5. I could care less -- but not much less. You don't want an awkward silence when asked if you have any questions. Speak up.
6. If you hire me, you'd better get your own résumé up to date. Come across as overly aggressive and you may scare the interviewer into rejecting you.
7. You might want to have security frisk me before I leave. Sharing confidential information about past or present employers will make the interviewer wonder if you can be trusted.
8. I think you're not playing with a full deck. If you're asked the "What are your weaknesses?" question, the interviewer wants a straight answer. Mention one noncritical area you'd like to polish.
9. I'm just going to go ahead and answer the question I wish you'd asked. Failing to answer the question that was actually posed will frustrate the interviewer.
10. I'll be a huge drain on company morale. A negative attitude regarding your current or past employers or colleagues will make your stock drop.
11. Ask not what I can do for you. What can you do for me? Asking questions about salary or benefits prior to getting a job offer is a major turnoff.
12. Why did we meet? Candidates who leave without underscoring their great interest in being hired are quickly forgotten.
The following questions and answers were collated from British GCSE exams (16 year olds)!
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet?
A: A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts-the brainium, theborax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does *varicose- mean?
Q: What is the most common form of birth control?
A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term *Caesarean Section.
A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure?
A: A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness?
A: When you are sick at the airport
Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
Q: Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A: Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine?
A: Something an Arab wears.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "Oh gee! I'd better get cracking!" Scribble furiously. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"
3. If it is a math or science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer or essay exam, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read the questions aloud and debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out sarcastically, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, and sit down. About five minutes into the exam, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture this semester! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a video game. Play it with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example, write "I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs". Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor and say "They've found me. I have to leave the country," and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a bad case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Complete the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For maths or science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she or he is not looking. Look at the person nearest to you and say, "I can't believe you just did that!"
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam papers, eat them.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes in. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, swear loudly and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts. Tell the instructor that whether or not everyone's finished, you are all leaving after an hour to go for a drink.
26. At some point during the exam, start crying for your mummy.
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him or her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper."
28. Comment on how attractive the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "The phantom of the opera is here, inside your mind," until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? 'Neighbours' is on!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Enough said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to 'Mastermind'. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to 'Dambusters'.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is maths or science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Work PI and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets from another class (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask him or her to work it out for you.
41. Take your Gameboy into the exam.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, and start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the Mexican wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, and telegrams sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. This includes desks, chairs, and anything you can reach. You might want to take a screwdriver in with you.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you and play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, claim "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the student handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor (name) Sucks."
More accident claim forms from a major insurance company:-
1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
6. The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
8. I was on my way to the doctor’s with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
9. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
10. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
11. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
12. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
13. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
14. When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
15. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
16. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
17. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
18. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.