I love Friends and this is particularly funny for anyone learning a language:-
The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...
As any experienced conversationalist can tell you, ambiguity is the key to winning any argument. Here are a few popular proverbs and counter-proverbs that will allow you to turn a conversation in any direction you want. Who can argue with the wit and wisdom of our forefathers, or even our five fathers?
Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.
Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.
The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.
What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.
Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.
With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes come all wise sayings.
The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd.
Thanks to Chewks.
(You no longer need a licence for any pet in the UK, but you do need a TV licence.)
Cast of thousands - well two -
Post Office Worker: Five pence please.
Praline: Excuse me, I would like to buy a fish licence, please. ... The man's sign must be wrong. I have in the past noticed a marked discrepancy between these post office signs and the activities carried out beneath. But soft, let us see how Dame Fortune smiles upon my next postal adventure! Hello, I would like to buy a fish licence, please.
Postal clerk: A what?
Praline: A licence for my pet fish, Eric.
Clerk: How do you know my name is Eric?
Praline: No, no, no! My fish's name is Eric. Eric fish. He's an halibut.
Clerk: He's a what?
Praline: He is an halibut.
Clerk: You've got a pet halibut?
Praline: Yes, I chose him out of thousands. I didn't like the others, they were all too flat.
Clerk: You're a loony.
Praline: I am not a loony! Why should I be tarred with the epithet 'loony' merely because I have a pet halibut? I've heard tell that Sir Gerald Nabarro has a pet prawn called Simon - and you wouldn't call Sir Gerald a loony, would you? Furthermore Dawn Palethorpe, the lady show jumper, had a clam called Sir Stafford, after the late chancellor. Alan Bullock has two pikes, both called Norman, and the late, great Marcel Proust had an 'addock! Uf you're calling the author of 'A la recherche de temps perdu' a loony, I shall have to ask you to step outside!
Clerk: All right, all right, all right. You want a licence?
Clerk: For a fish?
Clerk: You *are* a loony.
Praline: Look, it's a bleeding pet, isn't it? I've got a licence for me pet dog Eric, and I've got a licence for me pet cat Eric.
Clerk: You don't need a licence for a cat.
Praline: You bleedin' well do and I've got one! You're not catching me out there!
Clerk: There is no such thing as a bloody cat licence.
Praline: Yes there is.
Clerk: No there isn't.
Praline: What's that then?
Clerk: That is a dog licence with the word 'dog' crossed out and the word 'cat' written in, in crayon.
Praline: Well the man didn't have the proper form.
Clerk: What man?
Praline: The man from the cat detector van.
Clerk: The loony detector van, you mean.
Praline: Look, it's people like you what causes unrest.
Clerk: Alright, what cat detector van?
Praline: The cat detector van from the Ministry of Housinge.
Praline: Yes, it was spelt like that on the van. I'm very observant. I've never seen so many aerials. The man told me their equipment could pinpoint a purr at four hundred yards, and Eric being such a happy cat was a piece of cake.
Clerk: How much did this cost?
Praline: Sixty quid and eight guineas for the fruit-bat.
Clerk: What fruit-bat?
Praline: Eric the fruit-bat.
Clerk: Are all your pets called Eric?
Praline: There's nothing so odd about that. Kemel Attaturk had an entire menagerie all called Abdul.
Clerk: No he didn't.
Praline: Did, did, did, did, did, did and did! There you are. 'Kemal Ataturk, the Man' by E. W. Swanton with a foreword by Paul Anka. Page 91, please.
Clerk: I owe you an apology sir.
Praline: Spoken like a gentleman. Now, are you going to give me this fish licence?
Clerk: I promise you that there is no such thing. You don't need one.
Praline: Then I would like a statement to that effect signed by the Lord Mayor.
6 weeks : I love you, I love you, I love you.
6 months : Of course I love you.
6 years : GOD! If I didn't love you, then why did I marry you?
Back from Work:
6 weeks: Honey, I'm home!
6 months: I'm back!
6 years: What's for dinner?
6 weeks: Honey, I really hope you like the ring.
6 months: I bought a new painting for the living room.
6 years: Here's the money. Buy yourself something.
6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
6 months: Here, it's for you.
6 years : PHONE: ring ring, ring ring.
6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
6 years: AGAIN!
6 weeks: Honey muffin, don't worry, Ill never hold it against you.
6 months: Don't do it again.
6 years: What's not to understand about what I just said?
6 weeks: Oh my God, you look like an angel in that dress.
6 months: You bought a new dress.
6 years: How much did THAT cost?
Planning for Vacations:
6 weeks: How does 2 weeks in Vienna or anywhere you want sound?
6 months: What's so bad about visiting my mum and dad?
6 years: Travel? What's so bad about staying home?
6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
6 months: I like this movie.
6 years: I'm going to watch Eurosport, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself . . .
If you are thinking about having children you might want to try the following simple tests...
The mess test:
Smear peanut butter on the settee and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub them on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish finger behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
The toy test:
Get a huge box of Lego. (If Lego is not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake your child at night).
The shopping test:
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the supermarket. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
The dressing test:
Try to get hold of a large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all its arms stay inside.
The feeding test:
Find a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend it from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy Weetabix into the jug whilst pretending to be an airplane or choo choo train. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.
The physical test (for women):
Get a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Finally remove 10% of the beans.
The physical test (for men):
Go to the nearest chemists and put your wallet on the counter. Ask the pharmacist to help him/herself. Now proceed to the nearest supermarket. Go to customer services and arrange for your pay to be directly deposited there. Buy a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
The final exam:
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Emphasize how they should never allow their children to run riot.
Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.
All you bosses out there probably get asked for an extra week off work quite regularly. Here's a response you can use:-
So, you want a week off?
Well, let's take a look at what you are asking for.
There are 365 days in a year, and 7 days in a week, which makes 52 weeks. You already have 2 days off per week, which is 104 days.
You spend 8 hours a day at work, which means you spend 16 hours each day away from work, a further 174 days lost.
You spend an hour each day on tea breaks and comfort breaks which accounts for 15 days.
With an hour for lunch each day, you use up another 15 days.
You normally have 2 weeks a year on sick leave.
On average there are 8 bank holidays a year and we generously give you 4 weeks paid holiday a year, so that's a further 36 days.
So you have 1 week actually available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take it off!