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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

Business English - Outsourcing

Outsourcing is subcontracting a process, such as product design or manufacturing, to a third-party company. The decision to outsource is often made in the interest of lowering cost or making better use of time and energy costs, redirecting or conserving energy directed at the competencies of a particular business, or to make more efficient use of land, labour, capital, (information) technology and resources. Outsourcing became part of the business lexicon during the 1980s. It is essentially a division of labour.

So, could this happen?

Pythagoras # 1

There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island.

The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire.

This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in).

The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms.

I guess this just proves that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Attributed to Seth Yoshioka-Maxwell

Gummies in Peril.

Invitation to tee turned out to be not what he expected.

New Job Titles

Can you guess what jobs these really are?

* Beverage Dissemination Officer
* Colour Distribution Technician
* Customer Experience Enhancement Consultant
* Domestic Technician
* Education Centre Nourishment Consultant
* Highway Environmental Hygienist
* Field Nourishment Consultant
* Five a Day Collection Operative
* Front Line Customer Support Facilitator
* Gastronomical Hygiene Technician
* Mass Production Engineer
* Media Distribution Officer
* Mobile Sustenance Facilitator
* Mortar Logistics Engineer
* Petroleum Transfer Engineer
* Recycling Operative
* Sanitation Consultant
* Transparency Enhancement Facilitators

(Scroll down for the answers):-






























* Beverage Dissemination Officer - Barman
* Colour Distribution Technician - Painter & Decorator
* Customer Experience Enhancement Consultant - Shop Assistant
* Domestic Technician - Housewife
* Education Centre Nourishment Consultant - Dinner Lady
* Highway Environmental Hygienist - Road Sweeper
* Field Nourishment Consultant - Waitress
* Five a Day Collection Operative - Fruit Picker
* Front Line Customer Support Facilitator - Call Centre Worker
* Gastronomical Hygiene Technician - Dish Washer
* Mass Production Engineer - Factory Worker
* Media Distribution Officer - Paper Boy
* Mobile Sustenance Facilitator - Burger Van Worker
* Mortar Logistics Engineer - Labourer
* Petroleum Transfer Engineer - Petrol Station Assistant
* Recycling Operative - Bin Man
* Sanitation Consultant - Toilet Cleaner
* Transparency Enhancement Facilitators - Window Cleaner

Funniest Complaint Letter

This is a real complaint letter sent to Sir Richard Branson, Virgin Airlines, which is currently being emailed globally and is considered by many to be the world's funniest passenger complaint letter.

You can see the offending item here:-

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/telegraph/multimedia/archive/01246/virgin1_1246696c.jpg

Dear Mr Branson

REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008

I love the Virgin brand, I really do which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.

Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at thehands of your corporation.

Look at this Richard. Just look at it: [see image].

I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?

You don’t get to a position like yours Richard with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power so I KNOW you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue hasn’t it. No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato would they. Well answer me this Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in?

I know it looks like a baaji but it’s in custard Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn't custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. It’s only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.

Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So lets peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what’s on offer.

I’ll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve year old boy Richard. Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat their with your final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.

Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that Baaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.

Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard Richard.

By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to it’s baffling presentation.

It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING. Either that or some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn’t want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.

I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.

Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous onboard entertainment. I switched it on.

I apologise for the quality of the photo, it’s just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson’s face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel.

Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I’d had enough. I was the hungriest I’d been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.

My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations.

Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.

Richard…. What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Baaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I’d done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your baaji-mustard.

So that was that Richard. I didn’t eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can’t imagine what dinner round your house is like, it must be like something out of a nature documentary.

As I said at the start I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to it’s knees and begging for sustenance.

Yours Sincererly

XXXX

Paul Charles, Virgin’s Director of Corporate Communications, confirmed that Sir Richard Branson had telephoned the author of the letter and had thanked him for his “constructive if tongue-in-cheek” email. Mr Charles said that Virgin was sorry the passenger had not liked the in-flight meals which he said was “award-winning food which is very popular on our Indian routes.”

Mixed messages

From the listening practice on iVisit:-

  • A daughter sent a telegram to her father when she passed her B.Ed exams, the father got the following message: "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED."
  • A husband, away on business in a remote area sent a telegram to his wife, his wife got the following message: "I wish you were her."
  • A heavily pregnant woman went to a railway station to return home. At the ticket counter, when her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which read: "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady."
  • A man wanted to celebrate his wife's birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well he thinks for a while and says: Let's put, "You might be getting a bit older, but you are getting better". The salesman asked, "How do you want it displayed?" The man says, "Well, put 'You might be getting a bit older', at the top and 'but, you are getting better' at the bottom."

    The real fun didn't start until the cake box was opened and the everyone at the party read the message on the cake: "You might be getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom".