This Political Talk Show Host seems unhealthily interested in manslaughter law loopholes.
The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...
Artery: The study of fine paintings.
Bacteria: Back door to the cafeteria.
Barium: What to do if CPR fails.
Benign: What you are after you be 8.
Cesarean Section: Some place in Rome.
CATscan: Looking for kitty.
Cauterize: Got that pretty girl to look at you.
Colic: A sheep dog.
Coma: A punctuation mark.
D & C: Where Washington is.
Dilate: To live long.
Enema: Not your friend.
Fibula: A small lie.
G.I. Series: Baseball games between teams of soldiers.
Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff: A Doctor's walking stick.
Morbid: A higher offer on eBay.
Nitrates: Lower than day rates.
Node: Was aware of.
Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear: A lie about someone's father.
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative: A postman.
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
Rectum: Nearly killed them.
Secretion: Hiding something.
Seizure: Roman emperor.
Tablet: A small table.
Terminal Illness: A sick computer.
Tumour: More than one.
Urine: Opposite of you're out.
Varicose Vein: Veins that are very close together.
Thanks to James
Thanks to Sis for sending me this, written by a 2nd grade teacher, who unfortunately is anonymous:-
"I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."
"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going , 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh! ' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.
"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"
This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away.
It was too much!
"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe’.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-centre, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along."
Please note that this Bank is installing new "Drive-through" cashier machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:-
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, wind the window down.
4. Find handbag, empty all contents onto passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell the person on your mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write deposit amount in check book and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on mobile phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release hand brake.