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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

Toilet Humour

Toilet humour is a type of off-colour humour usually dealing with bodily functions. Public reference to bodily functions is taboo in many cultures. This is pretty mild, but if you're sensitive - "Look away now!"

Proof That Girls Are Evil

Girls take up time and money, so:-

Girls = Time x Money

We all know that time is money, so:-

Time = Money

So:-

Girls = Money x Money = Money2

Money is the root of all evil, so:-

Money = √Evil

So:-

Girls = √Evil2

Therefore the only logical conclusion is:-

Girls = Evil

Film subtitles

According to Kim the following sentences are actual subtitles used in films from Hong Kong:-

I am darn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

Gun wounds again?

Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.

Darn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken

Take my advice, or I'll spank you a lot.

Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

This will be of fine service for you, you bag of the scum. I am sure you will not mind that I remove your toenails and leave them out on the dessert floor for ants to eat.

Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.

I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!

You daring lousy guy.

Beat him out of recognizable shape!

Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and can now deliver you violently to your doctor for a thorough extermination.

I have been scared silly too much lately.

I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!

Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

How can you use my intestines as a gift?

Greetings, large black person. Let us not forget to form a team up together and go into the country to inflict the pain of our karate feats on some but of the giant lizard person.

You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.

(I'm not sure how true these are, but I do feel inspired to get some Kung Fu movies out of the video shop to find out!)

Greetings Revisited

I often get asked about the correct way to greet someone in English. Of course it depends on the situation, and I wouldn't recommend this method:-

Life in the Australian Army

This is the text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland, Australia.)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

The importance of using the definite article

When you're speaking or writing English, it's very important to use the definite article (the), correctly. But you might not recognise it if you go "up north".

Pilots and control towers

Here are some real (allegedly) conversations from pilots and the flight tower:-

Tower : 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'

Delta 351 : 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

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Tower : 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'

TWA 2341 : 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet! How much noise can we make up here?'

Tower : 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?'

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm effing bored!'

Ground Traffic Control : 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!'

Unknown aircraft : 'I said I was effing bored, not effing stupid!'

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747 : 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'

United 329 : 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight.'

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked , 'What was your last known position?'

Student : 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted : 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'

Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'

Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?'

Unknown voice from another plane (in a British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody war!'

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Tower : 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7'

Eastern 702 : 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.'

Tower : 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?'

BR Continental 635 : 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'

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The German air controllers at FrankfurtAirport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206 : ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! Clear off active runway.'

Ground : 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground : 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'

Speedbird 206 : 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now.' !

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?'

Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land.'

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While taxiing at London 's GatwickAirport , the crew of a US Air flight departing Fort Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:

'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:

'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'

'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you once?'

Thanks to James