NORTH POLE (API) - Microsoft announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
The announcement also included a notice that henceforth the name Christmas, Santa and the names of all the reindeer would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.
Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, will be very strict.
When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office."
In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.
Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas Vista. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas Vista as early as possible."
Christmas Vista is scheduled for release in December, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of next year.
An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."
When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.
Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire.
A spokesperson for the most famous reindeer of them all could not be reached for comment.
The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...
NORTH POLE (API) - Microsoft announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Is it a coincidence that our names are the same, only reversed?
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your sofa? Or is it still the same old story?
Dear God: Why are so many cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named after a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?
Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?
Dear God: Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God: Are there postmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologise?
Dear God: Let me give you a list of the ten things I have to remember to be a good dog:-
- I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
- The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with it and it makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
- The litter box is not a cookie jar.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, fox pooh etc., just because I like the way they smell.
- The rug is not a 'face towel'.
- The bin men are not stealing our stuff.
- I must not play tug-of-war with underwear when the owner of said underwear is on the toilet.
- Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello'.
- I mustn't suddenly stand up when I'm under the coffee table.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven can I have my testicles back, please?
I love this one too:-
A mother repeatedly called upstairs for her son to get up, get dressed and get ready for school. It was a familiar routine, especially at exam time.
"I feel sick," said the voice from the bedroom.
"You are not sick. Get up and get ready," called the mother, walking up the stairs and hovering outside the bedroom door.
"I hate school and I'm not going," said the voice from the bedroom, "I'm always getting things wrong, making mistakes and getting told off. Nobody likes me, and I've got no friends. And we have too many tests and they are too confusing. It's all just pointless, and I'm not going to school ever, ever again."
"I'm sorry, but you are going to school," said the mother through the door. She decided to try a bit of encouragement, "Really, mistakes are how we learn and develop. And please try not to take criticism so personally. I can't believe that nobody likes you - you have lots of friends at school. And yes, all those tests can be confusing, but we are all tested in many ways throughout our lives, so all of this experience at school is useful for life in general. Besides, you have to go, you are the headmaster."
I don't know why but I find this joke very, very funny.
Imagine you are in the land of the inflatables. You're visiting the inflatable school.
What did the inflatable teacher say to the naughty inflatable boy caught misbehaving with a pin?
"You let me down, you let yourself down, and worst of all you let the whole school down."
A Philipism is something embarrassing that Prince Philip has said during his travels. Here are some of the best of them:-
- He told Indian businessman Atul Patel, 'There's a lot of your family in tonight,' at a 400-strong Buckingham Palace reception for British Indians in October 2009.
- Navy sea cadet instructor Elizabeth Rendle, 24, who works in a bar was asked 'Is it a strip club?' by the Prince. She said: 'It was a joke and I didn't take any offence,' after the blunder in Exeter, Devon, in March 2010.
- A Buckingham Palace guest with a goatee who told Prince Philip he was a designer got the sharp response: ‘Well, you didn’t design your beard too well, did you?’ in July 2009.
- Prince Philip surprised Aborigines in Australia by asking 'Do you still throw spears at each other?' during a state visit in March 2002. Cultural park manager William Brim replied: 'No, we don't do that any more.'
- A Scottish driving instructor was asked in 1995: 'How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?'
- When visiting Hungary in 1993 he said to a resident Briton: 'You can't have been here long - you haven't got a pot belly.'
- When visiting the Welsh Assembly he offended a group from the British Deaf Association in May 1999. He pointed to a band they were standing near and said: 'Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf.'
- British students in China were told during a state visit in 1986: 'If you stay here much longer you will all be slitty-eyed'.
- He said to a student travelling across Papua New Guinea in 1998: 'You managed not to get eaten then?'
- And during a trip to Dubai, he asked a group of expats, "What are you running away from?"
Of course he will never beat good old George.
A thief was caught after stealing some paintings from the Louvre in Paris, after his getaway van ran out of fuel.
He was given bail at his first hearing, and a reporter asked him on the steps of the courthouse how he could have forgotten such a vital part of his plan.
"Simple," said the thief, "I had no Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(Translated: "I had no money for the gas to make the van go."
I am sending you this e-mail from a bogus software company address so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with her on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun! Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being hoovered, I'm sorry that the feather duster made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars, Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there will be packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring meals to your desk, - just the way you like it. I hope you and the PC have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Of course this is a joke, but there is not much difference to reality:-
Bollywood is big in the UK. This was sent to me by one of my students in India and it really made me LOL.
1) Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below).
2) If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will:-
b) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.
3) If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
4) Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be sustained.
5) The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.
6) In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.
7) When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never:-
b) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).
8) Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of:-
c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
9) Any movie involving lost+found brothers will have a song sung by:-
a) the brothers
b) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax)
c) the family dog/cat.
10) Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories:-
a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father killed by the villain before the titles.
b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him on the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero. The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(es) in the climax.
For Elfish, Xeb and Celine:-
Qui vous êtes-vous?" = "Who are you ?"
Mais qu'est-ce que vous faites ici? = "But what are you doing here ?"
J'espère que vous passerez de bonnes vacances = "I hope that you'll have a good holiday."
Le château, le mas est à 400 mètres = "The castle, the mas is 400 meters from here."
Rowan Atkinson's Elementary Dating Script
Good evening and welcome to the Boston University Huntingdon theatre, for this the second part of our course in elementary courting for men. May I say how pleased I am with tonight's turnout, some 800 people, which is very gratifying.
Tonight we look at the first date. Obviously taking out a girl for the first time is a very complex issue.
The first crucial step is, having arranged to pick up your date, not to look like a complete idiot when she first opens the door. Best to look as if your attention has been momentarily distracted. But when you do notice her it is vital to say how pretty she is looking straight away, but don't overdo it.
If at this point you are introduced to her parents, attitude is all important: You can be too casual. You can be too keen.
When you have said goodbye to the parents, again don't overdo it, lead her to your car and remember to open the door.
Once in the car there are various ways of driving: If you drive like this, you might lose her respect. If you drive like this, you should have taken a taxi.
Before long you'll arrive at the restaurant. Get out of the car, and escort her to your table. Then tuck her into her seat - yourself, and attract the waiter's attention.
Selecting from the wine list is important, complete ignorance is not good. When the bottle arrives, there's much to be made in the tasting of it, but don't be too professional.
With eating, again, moderation is the order of the day: Don't eat too fast. - But don't eat too slowly.
Next is receiving the bill. This is a very important moment, you must be sure not to lose your cool: This is right. - This is wrong.
The girl may of course offer to pay herself, in which case you should refuse, for a while.
Next stop is a fashionable discotheque. Once inside you might look slightly strange if you try and talk over the music, so just stand casually and look sexy.
This is good. This is better. This is starting to be misguided.
After stance, dance technique is most important. Most people don't know how to dance and so do too much. Other people do too little. Some people dance as if there's something up their bottom. And other people dance as if there's something coming out of their bottom.
When all's said and done it's best probably not to dance at all A well-mimed sporting injury is always useful and a good excuse for leaving the discotheque.
If you don't utterly foul it up, twenty minutes later you should be back at at your place.
It's important to relax and make your guest feel at home. She will probably feel as nervous as you do and there's no need to make any extra special effort
Then putting on the music, we can't help you with the choice of CD, even though no matter what the circumstances, Donny and Marie Osmond's greatest hits would be a mistake.
At all costs avoid the temptation to brag about your stereo.
Now comes the moment you've been waiting for, the seduction. This is the subject of next week's lecture.
However, as a rough guide: This is right, and this is, I think you'll agree, disastrous.
1. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
2. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
3. A day without sunshine is like, night.
4. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
5. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
6. Gravity: It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
7. Life is too complicated in the morning.
8. We are all part of the ultimate statistic -- ten out of ten die.
9. Nobody's perfect. I'm a nobody.
10. Ask me about my vow of silence.
This short story illustrates how different people can look at things in different ways.
Many years ago two salesmen were sent by a British shoe manufacturer to a far away land to investigate and report back on the market potential there.
The first salesman reported back, "There is no potential here - nobody wears shoes."
The second salesman reported back, "There is massive potential here - everyone needs shoes."
Neanderthals died out about 35,000 years ago, but they may have interbred with Homo Sapiens, so do your ancestors include their genetic markers? Try this test to find out:-
- Do your eyebrows meet in the middle? If so, give yourself five points.
- Can you lock your knees in an upright position? If not, add five points.
- Have you got a chin? If the answer is no, add five points.
- How about a forehead? If not, add another five points.
- Is it easy for you to balance a book on your head? Give yourself five points.
- Do you ever open beer bottles with your teeth? If you do add ten points.
- Are you frequently more comfortable squatting on your heels than sitting in a chair? Have another five points.
- Is your head attached vertically to your neck? If not, add one point for every five degrees of slope.
- Are you less than five feet tall? Add one point for every inch under.
- Are you pgeon-toed? Add five points.
- Have you ever felt like bashing a traffic warden with a club? You're normal--no points.
- Is the space between your big toe and your other toes big enough to hold an apple? Add ten points.
- Do you regularly eat apples in this way? Add twenty points.
- Do people think you're wearing your hair in a bun when you're not? Give yourself ten points.
- Can you count your vertebrae while wearing two sweaters and an overcoat? Add five more points.
- Is your nickname Duke, Butch, or Animal? Three points.
0-15 points: You are a virtually pure Homo sapiens. Feel free to build bridges, compose symphonies, and overrun the world.
16 -35 points: A slight Neanderthal strain means that you will occasionally have spells of primitive behavior, crawling around on all fours and whooping wildly. If you live in England, no one will notice.
36-50 points: You can still function quite well in the modern world, but avoid eating in fancy restaurants lest your table manners give you away.
51-70 points: Your Pleistocene heritage is predominant. You should consider a career as a rugby player.
71-100 points: Unfortunately, your genetic makeup is completely Neanderthal. There is no place for you in human society. Try running for parliament instead.
"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two."
"I was born in London, and went to school in Scotland - I used to be dead tired when I got home at night."
"Well if I was going to describe my audience, it's going to take longer than you'd ever expect, hundreds of years in fact, because there's many of them, all over the world."
"You see, I'm still big over here (in Albania). Not anywhere else, but over here. I don't know why I'm so popular here. They (Albanians) must be raving mad."
"I was born in very sorry circumstances. So my parents felt very sorry."
"I've just been very lucky. But I've worked hard, and the harder you work, the luckier you seem to get."
If we accept 99.9% accuracy as being ok then:-
* 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
* 114,500 mismatched pairs of shoes will be shipped/year.
* 18,322 pieces of mail will be mishandled/hour.
* 2,000,000 documents will be lost by the IRS this year.
* 2.5 million books will be shipped with the wrong covers.
* Two planes landed at Chicago's O'Hare airport will be unsafe every day.
* 315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled.
* 20,000 incorrect drug prescriptions will be written this year.
* 880,000 credit cards in circulation will turn out to have incorrect cardholder information on their magnetic strips.
* 103,260 income tax returns will be processed incorrectly during the year.
* 5.5 million cases of soft drinks produced will be flat.
* 291 pacemaker operations will be performed incorrectly.
* 3056 copies of tomorrow's Wall Street Journal will be missing one of the three sections... now that's a real problem!!!
(Quoted from Far Eastern Economic Review September 4, 1981.)
Room Service: Morny, rune sore-bees.
Hotel Guest: Oh sorry, I thought I dialled room service.
RS: Rye, rune sore-bees. Morny. Jewish to odor sunteen?
HG: I'd like some bacon and eggs.
RS: Ow July then?
RS: Aches. Ow July then? Pry, boy, pooch ... .?
HG: Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry. Scrambled please.
RS: Ow July thee baycome? Crease?
HG: Crisp will be fine.
RS: Okay. An Santos?
RS: Santos, July Santos?
HG: Ugh ... I don't know ... I don't think so.
RS: No? Judo one toes?
HG: Look, I really feel bad about this, but I just don't know what judo-one-toes means. I'm sorry.
RS: Toes! Toes! Why Jew Don Juan, toes? Ow bow eenglish mopping we bother?
HG: English muffin! I've got it! Toast! You were saying toast! Fine. An English muffin will be fine.
RS: We bother?
HG: No. Just put the bother on the side.
HG: I'm sorry. I meant butter. Butter on the side.
HG: I feel terrible about this but ...
RS: Copy. Copy, tea, mill.
HG: Coffee! Yes, coffee please. And that's all.
RS: One Minnie. Ass rune torino-fie, strangle aches, crease baycome, tossy eenglish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy. Rye?
HG: Whatever you say.
RS: Okay. Tenjewberrymud.
HG: You're welcome.
Listen to this song:-
Whenever life gets you down Mrs Brown,
And things seem hard or tough.
And people are stupid, obnoxious, or daft,
And you feel that you've had quite enough...
Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day.
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go 'round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz.
As fast as it can go, the speed of light; you know,
Twelve million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
58 Brits are injured each year whilst using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all the pins from a new shirt.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits died from 1997 to 1999 believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.
In 2000 18 Brits suffered serious burns trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E between 1998 and 1999 after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured in 1999 in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars.
British hospitals reported 4 broken arms in 1999 after Christmas cracker-pulling accidents.
In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up in the toilet.
Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain ... do we buy hot dogs in packs of ten and buns in packs of eight.
Only in Britain do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain will you find disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain do we complain constantly that the government does not invest in health, rail, education etc., and then vote for the party that promises tax cuts.
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You sing along to elevator music.
You can't remember the last time you lay on the floor to watch television.
You have a party and the neighbours don't call the police.
You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age... And isn't breaking any laws.
Your arms are too short to read the newspaper.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You enjoy discussing other people's operations.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
People call at 9 pm. And ask, "Did I wake you?"
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear socks with sandals.
You know what the words equity and escrow mean.
Your have more hairs in your ears than on your head.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
A gang is a group of people who may be involved in crime and violence (or not). Many young people will not realise they are in a gang, they will just think they are in a group of friends. (OMG - you're a gang!) It's important to remember that being in a gang is not illegal, only the criminal offences committed are illegal.
Advice for parents
Even with good parental support and despite our best efforts, our young can be easily attracted into dangerous friendship groups. While it is important to recognise the negative elements of becoming involved in a gang, we must also see why our youngsters are attracted into joining them in order to try and understand and ultimately deter them from becoming involved.
Be on the look-out for warning signs that suggest your child may be involved in a gang:
* Gang symbols: on schoolbooks, pencil cases, bags, bedroom posters and personal possessions. (Whatever you do don't let them scribble!)
* Clothing: young people wearing certain colours relating to specific gangs. (Especially school uniforms.)
* Hand signals: sometimes hand signals are given by individuals to show which gang they are aligned. (Sometimes hand signals are given by individuals to show you what they think of you.)
* Post codes: young people often align themselves to post codes. (Like the Sloanes?)
* A rise in truancy. (So a little bit of truancy is OK then.)
* Sudden changes in your child’s selection of friends.
* An increased number of social groups with unusual ‘gang’ names your child is hanging around with. (Like the Scouts, Girl Guides or the Brownies?)
* Your child may experience bullying and pressure to join a gang.
* They may be vague or secretive about their activities. (That's normal!)
* Possessing relatively large sums of money or bringing expensive items home.
* Getting in trouble with the police.
* Be aware of the websites your child is viewing. Social networking sites can give access to images and words glorifying gang culture. (Like the Gangshow that used to be shown on British TV every year?)
* Chat rooms and texts can be used to bully young people to join gangs. (Virtual gangs? Whatever next?)
* Rap music associated with gangs can be threatening and violent. (So can Carmina Burana.)
* Know what your children are listening to. (Spy on your children and never give them a moments rest and you will be certain to drive them into the welcoming arms of local gangs.)
Aeroplane: What mum impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat puréed vegetables.
Apple: Nutricious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
Baby: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mum 's youngest child, even if he's 42.
Bathroom: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except mum to be self-cleaning.
Because: Mum's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
Bed and Breakfast: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where mum always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.
Couch Potato: What mum finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
Date: Infrequent outings with dad where mum can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
Drinking Glass: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Dust Rags: See "Dad's Underwear"
Ear: A place where kids store dirt.
Eat: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
Energy: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
Eye: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to mum, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Food: The response mum usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "Sarcasm"
Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Geniuses: Amazingly, all of mum's kids.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Hindsight: What mum experiences from changing too many nappies .
Ice: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.
Independent: How mums want their children to be as long as they do everything they say.
Jeans: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
Junk: Dad's stuff.
Kiss: Mum medicine.
Kleenex: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
Lemonade Stand: Complicated business venture where mum buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
Ocean: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
Open: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
Overstuffed Recliner: Mum's nickname for dad.
Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's dummy by boiling it and to your last baby's dummy by blowing on it.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas.
Two Minute Warning: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: The ability to whine in words.
Wash Basket: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
Whodunnit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Poms (Brits) when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one actually there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Canadians: Don't watch Canadian TV because they can get more American channels.
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Aussies: Will only watch sports with lots of blood and guts.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Aussies in every sport they play them in, and how they won the World Cup in 1966.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Aussies: Don't care about spelling or pronunciation.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell words like the Brits, but pronounce them like Americans.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, petrol and alcohol in a backwards country.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, petrol and alcohol in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.
Aussies: Encourage immigrants to go home quickly.
Brits: Encourages immigrants to go to Canada or America.
Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid assimilation.
On the Weather
Americans: Couldn't care less about the weather.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Think that all Canadian comedians are American!
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they cann't understand them.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd etc.
Americans: Are proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Aussies: Are proud of the crimes of their past citizens.
Brits: Are proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great American citizens were once Canadian.
- Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
- Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and gloves as they leave your home?
- Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?
- Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the toilet as you enter a theatre with a group of friends?
- Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
- Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time"?
- Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who repairs your car?
- Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?
- Do you fold your partner's fingers over as you hand him/her money?
- Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group?
* If you answered yes to 4 or less you like the idea of teaching, but you can relax.
* If you answered yes to 7 or more, if you're not a teacher, you should be.
* If you answered yes to all 10 you'll *always* be a teacher! Whether you want to be one, or not.
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' x 10' cell.
At work you spend the majority of your time in a 6' x 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behaviour
At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
In prison taxpayers pay all your expenses, and there's no need to work.
At work you have to pay all your own expenses to get to work, and then you have tax deducted from your pay to pay for prisoners.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you have to carry a security card and unlock all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you're not even allowed to speak to your family and friends.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programmes which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programmes from which you cannot ever get out.
In prison you must deal with sadistic wardens
At work they're called managers.
In prison you have lots of time to read jokes on blogs.
At work you get fired if you're caught reading jokes on blogs.
As Ben Franklin said:
"In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria."
In a number of carefully controlled trials, Scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day,
At the end of the year we would have absorbed More than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine, beer, tequila, rum, whiskey or any other liquor, because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Water = Poop
Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and say something stupid, than to drink water and be full of crap.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm posting it as a public service.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Beauty Parlour: A place where women curl up and dye.
Cannibal: Someone who is fed up with people.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Committee: A group of people who keep minutes and waste hours.
Dust: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
Gossip: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
Handkerchief: Cold Storage.
Inflation: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
Myth: A female moth.
Mosquito: An insect that makes you like flies better.
Raisin: A grape with sunburn.
Secret: Something you tell to one person at a time.
Skeleton: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
Toothache: Pain that drives you to extraction.
Tomorrow: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
Yawn: An honest opinion openly expressed.
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Ghosts can walk through walls, so why don't they fall through the floor?
Can you travel so far east that you're heading west?
Can an estate agent sell his office without causing confusion?
Can eyebrows be considered facial hair?
Can you daydream at night?
Can it be that because light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
Can crop circles be square?
Can something be "new" and "improved"? If it's new, what is it improving on?
Can we get in hot water by skating on thin ice?
Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?
Can you handcuff a one-armed man?
Can cannibals be arrested for drink driving if they eat someone who is drunk?
Can another planet have an earthquake?
Can you "stare off into space" when you're in space?
Can you make square doughnuts?
Can a bee be allergic to pollen?
Can you cry under water?
Can you soak a raisin in water to turn back into a grape?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the taxi lane?
Can you blow a bubble in space?
Can bald people get dandruff?
Can you yawn in your sleep?
She says - English
Yes. - No.
No. - No.
Maybe - No.
You want - You want
We need - I want
It's your decision. - The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want. - You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk. - I need to complain.
Sure . . . go ahead. - I don't want you to.
I'm not upset. - Of course I'm upset, you moron.
You're . . . so manly. - You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights. - I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient. - I want a new house
We need (see above) new curtains . . - and carpeting, furniture and wallpaper
Hang the picture there. - No, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise. - I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? - I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? - I did something today you're not going to like.
I'll be ready in a minute. - Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Am I fat? - Tell me I'm beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate better. - Just agree with me.
I'm sorry. - You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? - It's easy to make, so you'd better get used to it.
I'm not yelling! - Of course I am yelling, this is important!
Are you listening to me? - Too late, you're dead.
I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (Think about it some more.)
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
TAURUS: A turtle: it's slow-moving, doesn't need a lot of attention, and won't compete with its owner for food.
GEMINI: A talking parrot; need I say more? Well, of course, but--
CANCER: Anything, as long as it needs to be nurtured
LEO: A big, bold, ferocious feline, as long as it doesn't compete with its owner's place in the sun.
VIRGO: Let's see, I have to get up at 7:30 to feed it, let it out at 7:45, at 10:00 I need to go to the grocery store to pick up three tins of food, which will cost £3.86, including VAT--
LIBRA: Hm, good question. One the one hand, a dog is active, affectionate, and companionable. On the other hand, a cat is pretty independent and won't require as much time and attention. Oh, I don't know. What would you do? Are you sure?
SCORPIO: A cat. Secretive, mysterious, and unpredictable? What's there not to like?
SAGITTARIUS: A horse, of course! Let's hope it's got enough stamina to keep up with me.
CAPRICORN: Do I have to pay for it?
AQUARIUS: A hamster. First, I've got to set up a detailed cage with tubes going from here to here, and an energy sensor--they don't make anything like that? That's okay, I'm sure what I come up with will be much better.
PISCES: Fish. When their owner forgets about them for weeks on end, they're easy to replace. If Pisces remembers to replace them...
Love them, or hate them, we all have to pay them:-
- Ambition is always rewarded . . . with high taxes.
- There is no tax on brains; the amount raised would be too small.
- The taxman takes up so much of your earnings to balance the budget that you just can't budget the balance.
- If business gets much worse, I won't have to lie on my next tax return.
- There was a time when £2,000.00 was the deposit on a car; now it's the VAT.
- We often wonder if automation will ever replace the taxpayer.
- America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.
- It's hard to believe America was founded to avoid high taxation.
- Everyone is now in a daze from intaxication.
- Drive carefully. We need every taxpayer we can get.
- Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.
- There is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.
- The path to civilization is paved with tax receipts.
- If politicians can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can't we pay politicians not to raise taxes?
- A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until our tax returns are due.
Idiot Advisory: Please don't take these seriously.
- Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
- If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
- Avoid arguments about whether the toilet seat should be up or down - use the sink.
- If you're always oversleeping, a mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
- If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. This way you'll be too afraid to cough.
- You only need two tools in life - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD40. If it shouldn't move, but it does, use the duct tape.