OK, so there's not much dialogue (non actually), but this should put a smile or a grimace on your face this wet and windy Monday morning:-
The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...
Aeroplane: What mum impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat puréed vegetables.
Apple: Nutricious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
Baby: 1. Dad, when he gets a cold. 2. Mum 's youngest child, even if he's 42.
Bathroom: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except mum to be self-cleaning.
Because: Mum's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
Bed and Breakfast: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
Car Pool: Complicated system of transportation where mum always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.
Couch Potato: What mum finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.
Date: Infrequent outings with dad where mum can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
Drinking Glass: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Dust Rags: See "Dad's Underwear"
Ear: A place where kids store dirt.
Eat: What kids do between meals, but not at them.
Energy: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
Eye: The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to mum, can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
Feedback: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Food: The response mum usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?" See "Sarcasm"
Full Name: What you call your child when you're mad at him.
Geniuses: Amazingly, all of mum's kids.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Hindsight: What mum experiences from changing too many nappies .
Ice: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid.
Independent: How mums want their children to be as long as they do everything they say.
Jeans: Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion, including church and funerals.
Junk: Dad's stuff.
Kiss: Mum medicine.
Kleenex: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
Lemonade Stand: Complicated business venture where mum buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
Ocean: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals.
Open: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front of company.
Overstuffed Recliner: Mum's nickname for dad.
Ow: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's dummy by boiling it and to your last baby's dummy by blowing on it.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pyjamas.
Two Minute Warning: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
Verbal: The ability to whine in words.
Wash Basket: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not containing, dirty clothing.
Whodunnit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for and take care of themselves.
Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Poms (Brits) when abroad.
Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no one actually there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.
Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch 4 channels.
Canadians: Don't watch Canadian TV because they can get more American channels.
Americans: Love to watch sports on the idiot box.
Aussies: Will only watch sports with lots of blood and guts.
Brits: Love to watch sports in stadiums so they can fight with other fans.
Canadians: Prefer to actually engage in sports rather than watch them.
Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball and basketball.
Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.
Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Aussies in every sport they play them in, and how they won the World Cup in 1966.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English."
Aussies: Don't care about spelling or pronunciation.
Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English."
Canadians: Spell words like the Brits, but pronounce them like Americans.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, petrol and alcohol in a backwards country.
Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, petrol and alcohol in a backwards country.
Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.
Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Americans: Seem to think that poverty and failure are morally suspect.
Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.
Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Americans: Encourage immigrants to assimilate quickly and dump their old ways.
Aussies: Encourage immigrants to go home quickly.
Brits: Encourages immigrants to go to Canada or America.
Canadians: Encourage immigrants to keep their old ways and avoid assimilation.
On the Weather
Americans: Couldn't care less about the weather.
Aussies: Don't understand what inclement weather means.
Brits: Endure oppressively wet and dreary winters and are proud of it.
Canadians: Endure bitterly cold winters and are proud of it.
Americans: Think that all Canadian comedians are American!
Aussies: Have produced comedians like Paul Hogan and Yahoo Serious.
Brits: Have produced many great comedians, but Americans ignore them because they cann't understand them.
Canadians: Have produced many great comedians, like John Candy, Martin Short, Jim Carrey, Dan Akroyd etc.
Americans: Are proud of the accomplishments of their present citizens.
Aussies: Are proud of the crimes of their past citizens.
Brits: Are proud of the accomplishments of their past citizens.
Canadians: Prattle on about how some of those great American citizens were once Canadian.
- Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
- Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and gloves as they leave your home?
- Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?
- Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the toilet as you enter a theatre with a group of friends?
- Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
- Do you refer to happy hour as "snack time"?
- Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who repairs your car?
- Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a number in the phone book?
- Do you fold your partner's fingers over as you hand him/her money?
- Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to share with the group?
* If you answered yes to 4 or less you like the idea of teaching, but you can relax.
* If you answered yes to 7 or more, if you're not a teacher, you should be.
* If you answered yes to all 10 you'll *always* be a teacher! Whether you want to be one, or not.
In prison you spend the majority of your time in an 8' x 10' cell.
At work you spend the majority of your time in a 6' x 8' cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In prison you get time off for good behaviour
At work you get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.
In prison taxpayers pay all your expenses, and there's no need to work.
At work you have to pay all your own expenses to get to work, and then you have tax deducted from your pay to pay for prisoners.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you have to carry a security card and unlock all the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you're not even allowed to speak to your family and friends.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars.
In prison you can join many programmes which you can leave at any time.
At work there are some programmes from which you cannot ever get out.
In prison you must deal with sadistic wardens
At work they're called managers.
In prison you have lots of time to read jokes on blogs.
At work you get fired if you're caught reading jokes on blogs.