Leslie Nielsen, the star of the movie Airplane! and the TV series Police Squad! died at a hospital in Florida today. Shirley he will be missed.
The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...
A thief was caught after stealing some paintings from the Louvre in Paris, after his getaway van ran out of fuel.
He was given bail at his first hearing, and a reporter asked him on the steps of the courthouse how he could have forgotten such a vital part of his plan.
"Simple," said the thief, "I had no Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh."
(Translated: "I had no money for the gas to make the van go."
I am sending you this e-mail from a bogus software company address so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and the back of your head are very realistic. You would be very proud of him.
Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with her on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen, despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am also doing well. I went blonde about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really is more fun! Lars, I mean Mr. Swenson, the department head, has taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.
I have discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you don't mind being hoovered, I'm sorry that the feather duster made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I made sure the painters cut air holes in the drop cloth so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle Lars, Mr. Swenson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there will be packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup, and bring meals to your desk, - just the way you like it. I hope you and the PC have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jen and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
Of course this is a joke, but there is not much difference to reality:-
Bollywood is big in the UK. This was sent to me by one of my students in India and it really made me LOL.
1) Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below).
2) If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines, the excess heroes/heroines will:-
b) join the Red Cross and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie.
3) If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other savagely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
4) Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be overruled. Else, it will be sustained.
5) The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.
6) In a chase, the hero will always overtake the villain, even on a bullock-cart, or on foot.
7) When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never:-
b) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in rule 2).
8) Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a stack of:-
c) glass bottles, which will be smashed to pieces.
9) Any movie involving lost+found brothers will have a song sung by:-
a) the brothers
b) their blind mother (but of course, she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax)
c) the family dog/cat.
10) Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two categories:-
a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father killed by the villain before the titles.
b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him on the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's daughter is in love with the anti-hero. The corrupt inspector, (usually the real villain's sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(es) in the climax.
For Elfish, Xeb and Celine:-
Qui vous êtes-vous?" = "Who are you ?"
Mais qu'est-ce que vous faites ici? = "But what are you doing here ?"
J'espère que vous passerez de bonnes vacances = "I hope that you'll have a good holiday."
Le château, le mas est à 400 mètres = "The castle, the mas is 400 meters from here."
Rowan Atkinson's Elementary Dating Script
Good evening and welcome to the Boston University Huntingdon theatre, for this the second part of our course in elementary courting for men. May I say how pleased I am with tonight's turnout, some 800 people, which is very gratifying.
Tonight we look at the first date. Obviously taking out a girl for the first time is a very complex issue.
The first crucial step is, having arranged to pick up your date, not to look like a complete idiot when she first opens the door. Best to look as if your attention has been momentarily distracted. But when you do notice her it is vital to say how pretty she is looking straight away, but don't overdo it.
If at this point you are introduced to her parents, attitude is all important: You can be too casual. You can be too keen.
When you have said goodbye to the parents, again don't overdo it, lead her to your car and remember to open the door.
Once in the car there are various ways of driving: If you drive like this, you might lose her respect. If you drive like this, you should have taken a taxi.
Before long you'll arrive at the restaurant. Get out of the car, and escort her to your table. Then tuck her into her seat - yourself, and attract the waiter's attention.
Selecting from the wine list is important, complete ignorance is not good. When the bottle arrives, there's much to be made in the tasting of it, but don't be too professional.
With eating, again, moderation is the order of the day: Don't eat too fast. - But don't eat too slowly.
Next is receiving the bill. This is a very important moment, you must be sure not to lose your cool: This is right. - This is wrong.
The girl may of course offer to pay herself, in which case you should refuse, for a while.
Next stop is a fashionable discotheque. Once inside you might look slightly strange if you try and talk over the music, so just stand casually and look sexy.
This is good. This is better. This is starting to be misguided.
After stance, dance technique is most important. Most people don't know how to dance and so do too much. Other people do too little. Some people dance as if there's something up their bottom. And other people dance as if there's something coming out of their bottom.
When all's said and done it's best probably not to dance at all A well-mimed sporting injury is always useful and a good excuse for leaving the discotheque.
If you don't utterly foul it up, twenty minutes later you should be back at at your place.
It's important to relax and make your guest feel at home. She will probably feel as nervous as you do and there's no need to make any extra special effort
Then putting on the music, we can't help you with the choice of CD, even though no matter what the circumstances, Donny and Marie Osmond's greatest hits would be a mistake.
At all costs avoid the temptation to brag about your stereo.
Now comes the moment you've been waiting for, the seduction. This is the subject of next week's lecture.
However, as a rough guide: This is right, and this is, I think you'll agree, disastrous.