I really wasn't sure whether to post this one or just keep it in the Have Fun with English + collection for those, might offend someone, videos. But I found it funny, so here it is:-
The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...
Check to see if you any words out.
Be carefully to use adjectives and adverbs correct.
About sentence fragments.
When dangling, don't use participles.
Don't use no double negatives.
Each pronoun agrees with their antecedent.
Just between you and I, case is important.
Join clauses good, like a conjunction should.
Don't use commas, that aren't necessary.
Its important to use apostrophe's right.
It's better not to unnecessarily split an infinitive.
Never leave a transitive verb just lay there without an object.
Only Proper Nouns should be capitalized. also a sentence should begin with a capital letter and end with a full stop
Use hyphens in compound-words, not just in any two-word phrase.
In letters compositions reports and things like that we use commas to keep a string of items apart.
Watch out for irregular verbs that have creeped into our language.
Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
Avoid unnecessary redundancy.
A writer mustn't shift your point of view.
Don't write a run-on sentence you've got to punctuate it.
A preposition isn't a good thing to end a sentence with.
Avoid cliches like the plague.
1 final thing is to never start a sentence with a number.
Always check your work for accuracy and completeness.
Thanks to Hekner
1. Every take-off is optional. Every landing is mandatory.
2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.
3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous.
4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.
5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.
6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.
9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself.
10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice-versa.
12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.
13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another aeroplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.
14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take-offs you've made.
15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.
16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck.
17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them.
18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be.
19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminium going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose.
20. Good judgement comes from experience. Unfortunately, experience usually comes from bad judgement.
21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.
24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago.
25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.
Thanks to Chewks
A brand new department store has just opened in London. It sells husbands.
When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the following instructions:-
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you go up. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.
One day a woman goes into the store and rather nervously starts climbing the stairs.
When she gets to the 1st floor a sign on the door reads:
Floor 1: These men have jobs.
She thinks, "I can do better than that" and keeps going up.
The 2nd floor sign reads:
Floor 2: These men have jobs and love kids.
But she goes up another floor.
The 3rd floor sign reads:
Floor 3: These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5: These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6: You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a Wives store just across the street.
The 1st first floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd,4th, 5th and 6th floors have never been visited.
At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the
Queen and said:
As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country
is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."
The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to
have a King in charge - and you're not a King."
Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"
To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a
Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."
Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"
The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr.
Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you
are not an Emperor."
Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're
doing quite nicely as a Country."