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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

I want to go back to a time when...

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo"
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
Race issue" meant arguing about who was the fastest
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly"
It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends
Being old referred to anyone over 20
The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and rules didn't matter
The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was lice
It was magic when dad would "remove his thumb"
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot
Nobody was prettier than mum
Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better
It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at Alton Towers
A foot of snow was a dream come true
Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare"
Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures
No shopping trip was complete unless a new toy was brought home
"Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was fun
The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team
War was a card game
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon
Football cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle
Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin
Ice cream was considered a basic food group
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors

Thank goodness we don't take our politicians seriously

I saw this and thought of you lot:-

Airbrush campaign

Winter 2010

A hilarious round up of news coverage of this winter:-

You've Never Heard a Flight Announcement Like This!

From my friend James, these in-flight announcements were supposedly heard by a retired Delta Captain:-

"I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant, reading the flight safety information, had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget. I've left out a few parts, I'm sure, but this is most of it."

(BEFORE TAKE-OFF)

Hello, and welcome to Alaska Flight 438 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is ...... The Flight Attendants. Please look at one now.

There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front, two over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit.

Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows.

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, these baggy things will drop down over your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favour and put on your mask first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favourite. Help that one first and then work your way down.

In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. It makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out and play with it now.

Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your hips. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it's a pulley thing -- not a pushy thing like your car, because you're in an airplane -- HELLO.

There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight ... hold on, let me check what it is ... Oh here it is ... the movie tonight is "Gone With the Wind."

In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat ejection button.

We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask.

If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation, wouldn't you?

(AFTER LANDING)

Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Sorry about the bumpy landing. It's not the Captain's fault. It's not the Co-pilot's fault. It's the Asphalt. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't even try.

Also, please be careful opening the overhead bins, because "shift happens."

The Silent E - By Tom Lehrer



Who can turn a can into a cane?
Who can turn a pan into a pane?
It's not too hard to see
It's Silent E

Who can turn a cub into a cube?
Who can turn a tub into a tube?
It's elementary
For Silent E

He took a pin and turned it into pine
He took a twin and turned him into twine

Who can turn a cap into a cape?
Who can turn a tap into a tape?
A little glob becomes a globe instantly
If you just add Silent E

He turned a dam - Alikazam! - into a dame
But my friend Sam stayed just the same.

Who can turn a man into a mane?
Who can turn a van into a vane?
A little hug becomes huge instantly
Don't add W, don't add X, and don't add Y or Z,
Just add Silent E.

The Genius that was Tom Lehrer

This is for anyone who thinks nuclear armaments will make them safer or stronger:-



I always like to end on a positive note, so here is a rousing, uplifting song, which is guaranteed to cheer you up:-

When you attend a funeral
It is sad to think that sooner or later
Those you love will do the same for you.
And you may have thought it tragic
Not to mention other adjec-
Tives, to think of all the weeping they will do.
But don't you worry...

No more ashes, no more sackcloth
And an armband made of black cloth
Will someday never more adorn a sleeve,
For if the bomb that drops on you
Gets your friends and neighbours too
There'll be nobody left behind to grieve.

And we will all go together when we go
What a comforting fact that is to know.
Universal bereavement, an inspiring achievement
Yes, we all will go together when we go.

We will all go together when we go
All suffused with an incandescent glow.
No one will have the endurance to collect on his insurance
Lloyd's of London will be loaded when they go.

We will all fry together when we fry
We'll be French-fried potatoes by and by.
There will be no more misery when the world is our rotisserie
Yes, we will all fry together when we fry.

We will all bake together when we bake,
There'll be nobody present at the wake.
With complete participation in that grand incineration
Nearly three billion hunks of well-done steak.

We will all char together when we char,
And let there be no moaning of the bar.
Just sing out a Te Deum when you see that ICBM
And the party will be "come as you are".

We will all burn together when we burn,
There'll be no need to stand and wait your turn.
When it's time for the fallout
And Saint Peter calls us all out
We'll just drop our agendas and adjourn.

And we will all go together when we go
Ev'ry Hottentot and ev'ry Eskimo.
When the air becomes uranious, we will all go simultaneous,
Yes we all will go together, when we all go together
Yes, we all will go together when we go.

Unobtainable number

Customer: "I've been ringing your call centre on 0700 2300 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?"

Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?"

Customer: "It was on the door to the travel centre."

Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours."

Simon Cowell's little book of insults

Oh all right, it's not a book, it's a video, but he can be so cruel (but funny).

Great Insults to put on Facebook

Inspired by the recent "greedy scoundrel" insult handed out by an Indonesian student to his marching band mentor (which earned him a six month suspended sentence) Here's a list of wittier insults that I hope will inspire him.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."
- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
- John Bright

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend...if you have one." George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill:
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one." Churchill's reply to Shaw:

"If you were my husband I'd give you poison." Lady Astor to Winston Churchill:
"If you were my wife, I'd drink it." Churchill's reply to Lady Astor.

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
- Winston Churchill

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
- Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
- Irvin S. Cobb

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
- Clarence Darrow

"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others."
- Samuel Johnson

"He had delusions of adequacy."
- Walter Kerr

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
- Moses Hadas

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... For support rather than illumination."
- Andrew Lang (18 44-1912)

"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure."
- Jack E. Leonard

"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."
- Abraham Lincoln

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
- Groucho Marx

"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
- Thomas Brackett Reed

"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."
- Charles, Count Talleyrand

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
- Mark Twain

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."
- Mae West

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
- Oscar Wilde

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."
- Billy Wilder