Do you know where apples come from?
The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...
I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. (Think about it some more.)
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
TAURUS: A turtle: it's slow-moving, doesn't need a lot of attention, and won't compete with its owner for food.
GEMINI: A talking parrot; need I say more? Well, of course, but--
CANCER: Anything, as long as it needs to be nurtured
LEO: A big, bold, ferocious feline, as long as it doesn't compete with its owner's place in the sun.
VIRGO: Let's see, I have to get up at 7:30 to feed it, let it out at 7:45, at 10:00 I need to go to the grocery store to pick up three tins of food, which will cost £3.86, including VAT--
LIBRA: Hm, good question. One the one hand, a dog is active, affectionate, and companionable. On the other hand, a cat is pretty independent and won't require as much time and attention. Oh, I don't know. What would you do? Are you sure?
SCORPIO: A cat. Secretive, mysterious, and unpredictable? What's there not to like?
SAGITTARIUS: A horse, of course! Let's hope it's got enough stamina to keep up with me.
CAPRICORN: Do I have to pay for it?
AQUARIUS: A hamster. First, I've got to set up a detailed cage with tubes going from here to here, and an energy sensor--they don't make anything like that? That's okay, I'm sure what I come up with will be much better.
PISCES: Fish. When their owner forgets about them for weeks on end, they're easy to replace. If Pisces remembers to replace them...
Love them, or hate them, we all have to pay them:-
- Ambition is always rewarded . . . with high taxes.
- There is no tax on brains; the amount raised would be too small.
- The taxman takes up so much of your earnings to balance the budget that you just can't budget the balance.
- If business gets much worse, I won't have to lie on my next tax return.
- There was a time when £2,000.00 was the deposit on a car; now it's the VAT.
- We often wonder if automation will ever replace the taxpayer.
- America is the land of opportunity. Everybody can become a taxpayer.
- It's hard to believe America was founded to avoid high taxation.
- Everyone is now in a daze from intaxication.
- Drive carefully. We need every taxpayer we can get.
- Children may be deductible, but they are still taxing.
- There is no child so bad that he/she can't be used as an income tax deduction.
- The path to civilization is paved with tax receipts.
- If politicians can pay farmers not to raise crops, why can't we pay politicians not to raise taxes?
- A fool and his money are soon parted. The rest of us wait until our tax returns are due.
Idiot Advisory: Please don't take these seriously.
- Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
- If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
- Avoid arguments about whether the toilet seat should be up or down - use the sink.
- If you're always oversleeping, a mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
- If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. This way you'll be too afraid to cough.
- You only need two tools in life - WD40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD40. If it shouldn't move, but it does, use the duct tape.