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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

Microsoft Acquires Christmas

NORTH POLE (API) - Microsoft announced an agreement with Santa Claus Industries to acquire Christmas at a press conference held via satellite from Santa's estate somewhere in the southern hemisphere. In the deal, Microsoft would gain exclusive rights to Christmas, reindeer, and other unspecified inventions. In addition, Microsoft will gain access to millions of households through the Santa Sleigh.

The announcement also included a notice that henceforth the name Christmas, Santa and the names of all the reindeer would be copyrighted by Microsoft. This unprecedented move was facilitated by the recently acquired MS Court.

Microsoft stated its commitment to "all who have made Christmas great," and vowed to "make licensing of the Christmas and reindeer names available to all." It is believed that the guidelines for licensing these names, will be very strict.

When asked "Why buy Christmas?" Bill Gates replied "Microsoft has been working on a more efficient delivery mechanism for all of our products for some time, but recognized that the Santa Sleigh has some immediate benefits. We'll use it first for the next release of Windows and Office."

In a multimedia extravaganza, the attendees were shown a seemingly endless video stream of products that make up the deal. It ended with a green and red version of the Microsoft logo, and a new Christmas trademark, leading into the announcement of the first product from the deal.

Vixen, the new Director of Holidays and Celebrations said, "The first step is to assimilate Christmas within the Microsoft Organization. This will take some time, so don't expect any changes this year." She continued, "our big plans are for next year, when we release Christmas Vista. It will be bigger and better than last year." She further elaborated that "Windows users who sign up with MS Network will get sneak previews of Christmas Vista as early as possible."

Christmas Vista is scheduled for release in December, though one unnamed source said that it is dangerously close to the end of the year and may slip into the first half of next year.

An economist at Goldman Sachs explained that a slip would be catastrophic to next year's economy and the nation's tax revenue, possibly requiring the IRS to move the deadline for filing income tax returns to three months after Christmas, whenever that was. "But it could be good in the long term," he explained. "With Microsoft controlling Christmas, we may see it move to May or June, which are much slower months for retailers. This may serve to even out the economy over the year."

When asked if other holidays are being considered, Mr. Gates explained that "Christmas is the flagship of holidays, so we wanted to start there. Not all holidays are available for sale, and the remaining will have to show a good long-term business," suggesting that holidays with a short history may not be in the plans.

Though specific terms of the agreement were withheld, a Santa official confirmed that the deal was "sizeable, even for a man of Santa's stature." Some analysts think that Santa has saturated the Holiday market, and is looking for a means to expand his business to year 'round products and services. Others contend that the Jolly Red Man is looking to retire.

A spokesperson for the most famous reindeer of them all could not be reached for comment.

To: God..., From: The Dog

TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Is it a coincidence that our names are the same, only reversed?

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your sofa? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are so many cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named after a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: Dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there postmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologise?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of the ten things I have to remember to be a good dog:-

  1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
  2. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with it and it makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.
  3. The litter box is not a cookie jar.
  4. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, fox pooh etc., just because I like the way they smell.
  5. The rug is not a 'face towel'.
  6. The bin men are not stealing our stuff.
  7. I must not play tug-of-war with underwear when the owner of said underwear is on the toilet.
  8. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying 'hello'.
  9. I mustn't suddenly stand up when I'm under the coffee table.
  10. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven can I have my testicles back, please?

Bunking off

I love this one too:-

A mother repeatedly called upstairs for her son to get up, get dressed and get ready for school. It was a familiar routine, especially at exam time.

"I feel sick," said the voice from the bedroom.

"You are not sick. Get up and get ready," called the mother, walking up the stairs and hovering outside the bedroom door.

"I hate school and I'm not going," said the voice from the bedroom, "I'm always getting things wrong, making mistakes and getting told off. Nobody likes me, and I've got no friends. And we have too many tests and they are too confusing. It's all just pointless, and I'm not going to school ever, ever again."

"I'm sorry, but you are going to school," said the mother through the door. She decided to try a bit of encouragement, "Really, mistakes are how we learn and develop. And please try not to take criticism so personally. I can't believe that nobody likes you - you have lots of friends at school. And yes, all those tests can be confusing, but we are all tested in many ways throughout our lives, so all of this experience at school is useful for life in general. Besides, you have to go, you are the headmaster."

Flaming Idiot

The idiom "flaming idiot" is used to describe a particularly stupid person. Here's a literal definition:-

The Inflatables

I don't know why but I find this joke very, very funny.

Imagine you are in the land of the inflatables. You're visiting the inflatable school.

What did the inflatable teacher say to the naughty inflatable boy caught misbehaving with a pin?

"You let me down, you let yourself down, and worst of all you let the whole school down."

Philipisms

A Philipism is something embarrassing that Prince Philip has said during his travels.  Here are some of the best of them:-

  • He told Indian businessman Atul Patel, 'There's a lot of your family in tonight,' at a 400-strong Buckingham Palace reception for British Indians in October 2009.
  • Navy sea cadet instructor Elizabeth Rendle, 24, who works in a bar was asked 'Is it a strip club?' by the Prince. She said: 'It was a joke and I didn't take any offence,' after the blunder in Exeter, Devon, in March 2010.
  • A Buckingham Palace guest with a goatee who told Prince Philip he was a designer got the sharp response: ‘Well, you didn’t design your beard too well, did you?’ in July 2009.
  • Prince Philip surprised Aborigines in Australia by asking 'Do you still throw spears at each other?' during a state visit in March 2002. Cultural park manager William Brim replied: 'No, we don't do that any more.'
  • A Scottish driving instructor was asked in 1995: 'How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?'
  • When visiting Hungary in 1993 he said to a resident Briton: 'You can't have been here long - you haven't got a pot belly.'
  • When visiting the Welsh Assembly he offended a group from the British Deaf Association in May 1999. He pointed to a band they were standing near and said: 'Deaf? If you are near there, no wonder you are deaf.'
  • British students in China were told during a state visit in 1986: 'If you stay here much longer you will all be slitty-eyed'.
  • He said to a student travelling across Papua New Guinea in 1998: 'You managed not to get eaten then?'
  • And during a trip to Dubai, he asked a group of expats, "What are you running away from?"
I would have answered, "Embarrassing old men."

Of course he will never beat good old George.