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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

Oops little Santa

Christmas Cards and Sausages

Signing Christmas cards is fraught with danger, and what should you call a British sausage.

Simple Rules for Life

If you open it, close it.

If you turn it on, turn it off.

If you unlock it, lock it up.

If you break it, admit it.

If you can’t fix it, call in someone who can.

If you borrow it, return it.

If you value it, take care of it.

If you make a mess, clean it up.

If you move it, put it back.

If it belongs to someone else and you want to use it, get permission.

If you don’t know how to operate it, leave it alone.

If it’s none of your business, don’t ask questions.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

If it will brighten someone’s day, say it.

If it will tarnish someone’s reputation, keep it to yourself.

_ Author Unknown

Shared with me by a friend on Facebook.

Geometrically speaking

There was an elderly, widowed sixth form algebra teacher in Nottingham, who, as a result of the many years and the many students she had had to put up with, became convinced that she was an equilateral triangle.

When she was cornered, she always looked for a new angle, but in her own way of circular thinking she could never measure up.

She treated everyone equilaterally, until someone called her a square. Although this may have been an acute observation, it was not right. The Pythagorean who made this accusation did not realize that it was actually an obtuse theorem.

The teacher was put on a plane, sent away and committed for her polygonous belief. Many thought that being institutionalized would scalene down her parallelanoia, however, it must have been geometrically impossible to solve that equation.

To sum up … there is good news and bad news. The good news is that she was cured of believing she was a triangle. The bad news: in a special, isoscelestic, 180° turn, she now thinks she is trapped inside a triangle.

Does that mean that she is trapezoid?

Anonymous

Thanks to James

Men and women can be friends.

Honest!



What!  You still don't believe me?

Then rename the video:-

Smart intelligent women can't be friends with immature boys.

Spelling your name



Transcript

A Bit of Fry and Laurie

A policeman (Stephen Fry) and Derek (Hugh Laurie) are at the police station.

P: All right. Could I just have your name, please, sir?

D: Right, uh…hold on a second….(reaches into his pocket)…Ready?
P: Yes.
D: My name is Derek (drops a pack of gum on the counter—thunk).
P: (confused look) What are you doing?
D: That’s my name.
P: What is?
D: This. Derek (drops gum again—thunk).
P: What? Derek (drops gum—thunk) is your name?
D: Yes!
P: What kind of name is that?
D: It’s my name!
P: A bit unusual, isn’t it, Mr. (thunka-thunk)?
D: If I had a pound for every time someone had said that to me!
P: Um, how do you spell (thunk), Mr. (thunk)?
D: It’s as it sounds.
P: Uh, yeah…if you wouldn’t mind spelling it for me….
D: (looks at watch)Well I mean, can’t you um…
P: I would be very grateful if you would spell it for me.
D: Oh, all right then. N. I. P. P. L. hyphen. E.
P: Nipple.
D: (confused) I beg your pardon?
P: Nipple.
D: Nipple? Where? What are you talking about?
P: N-I-P-P-L-E….
D: Hyphen-E!
P:….hyphen E in my book spells nipple. It does not spell (thunk).
D: Have you gone mad? What are you talking about? I thought the modern policeman was supposed to be a highly-trained law enforcement unit! You can’t even spell!
P: All right, Mr. Nipple, if I could have your address, please.

(no response)
P: Your address, please.
D: Are you talking to me?
P: Yes.
D: You want to know my address?
P: Yes, please.
D: Or do you want to know Mr. Nipple’s address?
P: Your address, please.
D: My address. Right. My address is number 22 (tap dance, slaps policeman) King's Lynn.
P: Watch it.
D: What?
P: Just watch it.
D: Watch what, for heaven’s sake?
P: You do realize that assaulting a police officer is a very serious offense?
D: Yes, I imagine it probably is. Very serious. But giving your address to a policeman, on the other hand, probably isn’t so serious, is it? Or is it? Perhaps the law has changed since I last looked. Perhaps the Home Secretary has had to take stern measures against the rising tide of people giving their address to policemen whenever they’re asked!

P: All right, all right. Let’s just check this with you, shall we, Mr. (thunk)?
D: Yes?
P: Your address is 22 (tap dance, punches Derek) King's Lynn.
D: No, no, no. What’s the matter with you? It’s 22 (tapdance, slaps policeman) King's Lynn. Tch!
P: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought it was 22 (tap dance, punches Derek) King's Lynn.
D: Well, it isn’t!
P: Can’t read my own handwriting.
D: Well, get a typewriter!
P: I don’t think we could afford a typewriter, sir. Do you know, it’s funny….From some angles it looks like 22 (tap dance, pulls out a cricket bat and whacks Derek across the head) King's Lynn.



Thanks to Alien and Hekner

Do you hate autocorrect?

I know I do, and it must be even worse for English learners.  This website is collecting autocorrect mishaps:-

http://damnyouautocorrect.com/

Be warned, there is a lot of very, very rude content, and probably not all of them are true, but some of them are really funny, and you can submit your own autocorrect mishaps too.

The definition of "Quick Thinking"

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a big bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He coughed to make the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...' Now that is the definition of quick thinking.

Only Fools and Horses - Chandelier Sketch





Del:  All right?   All right Grandad, we're ready!  You can start undoing it now!

UPSTAIRS

Grandad places the spanner on the nut and begins easing  it round.

Grandad:  It's coming Del Boy!  One more turn Del!

THE MAIN HALL

Del: Right. Now brace yourself Rodney, brace yourself.

Grandad gives one last bang with the hammer and the nut comes free.

In the hall the second chandelier crashes to the floor with an almighty 17th-century crystal sounding crunch.

Del and Rodney stare at each other for a few seconds before turning to survey the damage.

Del: (In shock) Grandad was undoing the other chandelier!

Rodney: How can you tell?

They descend the ladder slowly, lowering the canvas bag gently to the floor. They walk slowly towards the remains of the chandelier, broken shards of crystal crunching beneath their feet.

Grandad descends the stairs blissfully unaware.

Grandad: All right Del Boy?

Del: All right? What do you mean 'all right'? Look at it!

Grandad:  Did you drop it Del?

Rodney: Drop it? How could we drop it?  We wasn't even 'olding it! We  wuz working on that one!

Grandad: Well I wish you'd have said something. I was working on this one! Is it very valuable Del?

Del: No, not really! It was bleedin' priceless when it was hanging up there though!

Rodney: What's his lordship gonna say when he finds out?

Del: Well, I think I can safely say  that my invitation to the hunt ball has gone for a burton!

Wallace: It's broken!

Del: Look, what the hell do you know about chandeliers anyway?

Rodney: I think he's tumbled Del.

Wallace:  I shall telephone his lordship at his cottage immediately!

Del: Yeah, well, tell him to phone  us at home. Oh. by the way, has his lordship got our home address and telephone number?

Wallace:  No!

Del: Good! Right, out of it. Go on.

The Trotters run for the door, jump in the car and drive off.

The Benedict Le Gauche CV

This is on a blog of its own, so I'll just include the link.

The style of this CV is - - - refreshingly honest.

http://curriculumvitiate.wordpress.com/the-cv/

Euphemisms




George Carlin - Euphemisms Transcript

"I don't like words that hide the truth. I don't like words that conceal reality. I don't like euphemisms, or euphemistic language. And American English is loaded with euphemisms. Cause Americans have a lot of trouble dealing with reality. Americans have trouble facing the truth, so they invent the kind of a soft language to protest themselves from it, and it gets worse with every generation. For some reason, it just keeps getting worse. I'll give you an example of that. There's a condition in combat. Most people know about it. It's when a fighting person's nervous system has been stressed to it's absolute peak and maximum. Can't take anymore input. The nervous system has either (click) snapped or is about to snap. In the first world war, that condition was called shell shock. Simple, honest, direct language. Two syllables, shell shock. Almost sounds like the guns themselves. That was seventy years ago. Then a whole generation went by and the second world war came along and very same combat condition was calledbattle fatigue. Four syllables now. Takes a little longer to say. Doesn't seem to hurt as much. Fatigue is a nicer word than shock. Shell shock! Battle fatigue. Then we had the war in Korea, 1950. Madison avenue was riding high by that time, and the very same combat condition was called operational exhaustion. Hey, were up to eight syllables now! And the humanity has been squeezed completely out of the phrase. It's totally sterile now. Operational exhaustion. Sounds like something that might happen to your car. Then of course, came the war in Viet Nam, which has only been over for about sixteen or seventeen years, and thanks to the lies and deceits surrounding that war, I guess it's no surprise that the very same condition was called post-traumatic stress disorder. Still eight syllables, but we've added a hyphen! And the pain is completely buried under jargon. Post-traumatic stress disorder. I'll bet you if we'd of still been calling it shell shock, some of those Viet Nam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed at the time. I'll betcha. I'll betcha.

But. But, it didn't happen, and one of the reasons. One of the reasons is because we were using that soft language. That language that takes the life out of life. And it is a function of time. It does keep getting worse. I'll give you another example. Sometime during my life. Sometime during my life, toilet paper became bathroom tissue. I wasn't notified of this. No one asked me if I agreed with it. It just happened. Toilet paper became bathroom tissue. Sneakers became running shoes. False teeth became dental appliances. Medicine became medication. Information became directory assistance. The dump became the landfill. Car crashes became automobile accidents. Partly cloudy bacame partly sunny. Motels became motor lodges. House trailers became mobile homes. Used cars became previously owned transportation. Room service became guest-room dining. And constipation became occasional irregularity. When I was a little kid, if I got sick they wanted me to go to the hospital and see a doctor. Now they want me to go to a health maintenance organization...or a wellness center to consult a healthcare delivery professional. Poor people used to live in slums. Now the economically disadvantaged occupy substandard housing in the inner cities. And they're broke! They're broke! They don't have a negative cash-flow position. They're fucking broke! Cause a lot of them were fired. You know, fired. management wanted to curtail redundancies in the human resources area, so many people are no longer viable members of the workforce.

Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. It's as simple as that. The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people...or they depopulate the area. The government doesn't lie, it engages in disinformation. The pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call sunshine units. Israeli murderers are called commandos. Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part of it to us, do they? Never mention that part of it.

And...and some of this stuff is just silly, we all know that, like on the airlines, they say want to pre- board. Well, what the hell is pre-board, what does that mean? To get on before you get on? They say they're going to pre-board those passengers in need of special assistance. Cripples! Simple honest direct language. There is no shame attached to the word cripple that I can find in any dictionary. No shame attached to it, in fact it's a word used in bible translations. Jesus healed the cripples. Doesn't take seven words to describe that condition. But we don't have any cripples in this country anymore. We have The physically challenged. Is that a grotesque enough evasion for you? How about differently abled. I've heard them called that. Differently abled! You can't even call these people handicapped anymore. They'll say, "Were not handicapped. Were handicapable!" These poor people have been bullshitted by the system into believing that if you change the name of the condition, somehow you'll change the condition. Well, hey cousin, ppsssspptttttt. Doesn't happen. Doesn't happen.

We have no more deaf people in this country, hearing impaired. No ones blind anymore, partially sighted or visually impaired. We have no more stupid people. Everyone has a learning disorder...or he's minimally exceptional. How would you like to be told that about your child? "He's minimally exceptional." "Oohh, thank god for that." Psychologists actually have started calling ugly people, those with severe appearance deficits. It's getting so bad, that any day now I expect to hear a rape victim referred to as an unwilling sperm recipient.

And we have no more old people in this country. No more old people. We shipped them all away, and we brought in these senior citizens. Isn't that a typically American twentieth century phrase? Bloodless, lifeless, no pulse in one of them. A senior citizen. But I've accepted that one, I've come to terms with it. I know it's to stay. We'll never get rid of it. That's what they're going to be called, so I'll relax on that, but the one I do resist. The one I keep resisting is when they look at an old guy and they'll say, "Look at him Dan! He's ninety years young." Imagine the fear of aging that reveals. To not even be able to use the word "old" to describe somebody. To have to use an antonym. And fear of aging is natural. It's universal. Isn't it? We all have that. No one wants to get old. No one wants to die, but we do! So we bullshit ourselves. I started bullshitting myself when I got to my forties. As soon as I got into my forties I'd look in the mirror and I'd say, "well, I...I guess I'm getting...older." Older sounds a little better than old doesn't it? Sounds like it might even last a little longer. Bullshit, I'm getting old! And it's okay, because thanks to our fear of death in this country, I won't have to die...I'll pass away. Or I'll expire like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital, they'll call it a terminal episode. The insurance company will refer to it as negative patient-care outcome. And if it's the result of malpractice, they'll say it was a therapeutic misadventure. I'm telling you, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. Makes me want to engage in an involuntary personal protein spill."

All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy

         Pythagorean theorem:...........................................24 words.

         Lord's prayer:.......................................................66 words.

         Archimedes' Principle:........................................... 67 words.

         Ten Commandments: ............................................ 179 words.

         Gettysburg address: ............................................  286 words.

         US Declaration of Independence : .................. .. ..1,300 words.

         US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: ........... 7,818 words.

         EU regulations on the sale of cabbages?: ........... 26,911 words.


Thanks to Louise

Petting Zoos

After realising that he's the only one in the gang who's never been stroked, Nelson visits a petting zoo, where he quickly discovers that getting a stroke isn't always a pleasant experience.

Be warned, the programme Mongrels can be much ruder than this.

If PHP were written in British English

When Rasmus Lerdorf first put PHP together, he – quite sensibly, despite his heritage – chose not to write it in Greenlandic or Danish. Good job too – that would have been rather unpleasant to work with. He opted instead, being in Canada at the time, for the local tongue. No, not French, he used that bastard dialect of the Queen’s English commonly referred to as “US English”.

PHP developers in Britain have been grumpy about this ever since. What was he thinking? And more importantly, how do we undo this travesty? How do we developers ensure the traditions of the British Empire continue to be upheld, even in the digital age?

A Slap in the Face

$variable_name

The first, but maybe the most important, of many changes that will allow PHP to achieve a more elegant feel is to remove that symbol so beloved by the US and replace it with something altogether more refined. More solid. More … sterling.

£variable_name

Abbreviations

Few things are more abhorrent to the British than unnecessary abbreviations. “Text speak” is unheard of on the streets of London, as the natural ingrained British grammarian simply refuses to stoop to sending messages of the “c u soon traffic kthxbye” variety, instead proferring something altogether more elegant: “Dear Sir/Madam. I will arrive as soon as time allows, which I expect to be within the hour. I assure you the horses shall not be spared. Yours respectfully.” (slower to type, yes, but we do not like to be rushed).

PHP, on the other hand, is full to bursting with abbreviations and acronyms which are entirely unnecessary:

str_replace()
is_int()
var_dump()
preg_match()
json_encode()
mysql_connect()

The following changes should improve things:

string_replace()
is_integer()
variable_dump()
perform_a_regular_expression_match()
javascript_object_notation_encode()
my_structured_query_language_connect()
Eloquence

if ($condition) {
// Code here
} else {
// Code here
}

Shakespeare would be ashamed to see his native tongue twisted into this monstrosity. Brevity is to be applauded in the right context – in some dark corner, where it shall be seldom seen – but not here. The if … else block is the most used conditional code in all of PHP, so it must be made as inoffensive as possible. There are many options for its replacement, but this may be the strongest:

perchance (£condition) {
// Code here
} otherwise {
// Code here
}
Spelling
imagecolorallocate()
serialize()
newt_centered_window()
connection_status()

Words fail me at this point. How is any self-respecting gentleman expected to make head or tail of these “words”. It beggars belief that anyone could allow such distortions of words to be entered into a programming language. They, along with the myriad of similar errors, should be reverted to their proper forms immediately:

imagecolourallocate()
serialise()
newt_centred_window()
connexion_status()
Manners
try {
// Code here
} catch (Exception $e) {
// Handle exception
die('Message');
}

The try … catch block is an excellent example of PHP’s lack of manners. Far too direct to be allowed in the new PHP. Additionally, the word “die” is so very depressing. This new block, although more verbose, is vastly more polite and upbeat:

would_you_mind {
// Code here
} actually_i_do_mind (Exception £e) {
// Politely move on
cheerio('Message');
}

Class

Perhaps nothing is as important and ingrained in the British psyche as the notion of class and, while there are few opportunities for change within this part of PHP, the changes that there are to be made here are important.

class Republic {
public $a;
private $b;
protected $c;
}
$example = new Republic;

To begin with, the current system has no place for class hierarchy and this is unacceptable. So we shall begin by giving classes specific levels – upper, middle, working – and no class can access the methods of one of a higher level without the explicit permission of the higher order class (of course, though it might then have access, it would not be a true member of the higher order and could not itself grant higher order access to other lower order classes). “Public” and “Private”, in the British class system, are often synonymous (see, for example, school system nomenclature), so these must be adjusted, as should the “Protected” property visibility. The word “new”, while passable, has a much more appropriate replacement in matters of class.

upper_class Empire {
state £a;
private £b;
hereditary £c;
}
£example = nouveau Empire;
The Sun Never Sets …

It is hoped that these few simple changes will improve the reputation and status of PHP among other languages. No longer will it be the poor American cousin – instead it can take its rightful place as the – British – King of the scripting languages.

Source

Marriage

Marriage is like a game of cards. In the beginning it's all hearts and diamonds, but by the end you wish you had a club and a spade. (Think about it.)

The Definition of Corpsing

To corpse (verb) - Describes what happens when an actor, or in this case three Sky presenters, loses control during a performance and laughs uncontrollably:-

Autocomplete explained

How spell checker and auto-complete works in Google


How Business is Done

Father: "I want you to marry a girl of my choice"

Son: "I will choose my own bride!"

Father: "But this is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son: "Well, in that case - OK!"

Next - Father approaches Bill Gates.

Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates: "My daughter will choose her own husband."

Father: "But this young man is a vice-president at the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Oh well, in that case - OK!"

Finally - Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Father: "I would like you to make my son a vice-president of the bank."

President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"

Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates' son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case - OK!"

And that is how business is done!

Moral: Even If you have Nothing, with the right words you can get Anything.
But your attitude has to be positive

Think ++++++ve!

How to be annoying

We've been discussing "How to be annoying" on the forum. I think this video illustrates the concept very well:-

What is Klout?

Basically this is a play on the word "clout". "To have clout" means to have power or influence, but in this video they are talking about "Klout" scores, which measures influence based on your ability to drive action. Seemingly every time you create content or engage with others online, you influence them and the Klout score uses data from social networks in order to measure your Klout score.

These are the levels:-

True Reach: How many people you influence
Amplification: How much you influence them
Network Impact: The influence of your network

 The Klout Score measures influence based on your ability to drive action. Every time you create content or engage you influence others. The Klout Score uses data from social networks in order to measure: This video nicely sums up what I think of the whole thing (there is one rude word in it - you have been warned):-

 

Committees, Conferences, Meetings and Teamwork

A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in an hour.
Elbert Hubbard

I've searched all the parks in all the cities and found no statues of committees. G K Chesterton

Committee: A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit to do the unnecessary.
Richard Harkness

Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work.
Laurence J. Peter

Any committee that is the slightest use is composed of people who are too busy to want to sit on it for a second longer than they have to.
Katharine Whitehorn

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen

A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles.
Will Rogers

Our meetings are held to discuss many problems which would never arise if we held fewer meetings.
Ashleigh Brilliant

When the outcome of a meeting is to have another meeting, it has been a lousy meeting.
Herbert Hoover

Meetings and the Law of Triviality ... briefly stated, it means that the time spent on any item of the agenda will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
C Northcote Parkinson

A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted.
Unknown

Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything.
John Kenneth Galbraith

Teamwork is wasting half of one's time explaining to others why they are wrong.
Georges Wolinski

Pronunciation and grammar

If you need an incentive to improve your grammar or pronunciation, watch this video:-

Attractive Women in the Workplace

Numerous studies have shown that being physically attractive is beneficial for both men and women. Attractive people are generally assumed to be smarter and more competent. But for women, appearance stereotypes can be more complicated, particularly in a business environment.

What does Love mean?

This was sent to me:  From the mouths of babes and sucklings.

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?”

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

——————————————————————————–

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore.

So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.”

Rebecca- age 8

——————————————————————————–

“When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different.
You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.”

Billy - age 4

——————————————————————————–

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.”

Karl - age 5

——————————————————————————–

“Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.”

Chrissy - age 6

——————————————————————————–

“Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.”

Terri - age 4

——————————————————————————–

“Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK.”

Danny - age 7

——————————————————————————–

“Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more.

My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss”

Emily - age 8

——————————————————————————–

“Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.”

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

——————————————————————————–

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,”

Nikka - age 6

——————————————————————————–

“Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.”

Noelle - age 7

——————————————————————————–

“Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.”

Tommy - age 6

——————————————————————————–

“During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.

He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.”

Cindy - age 8

——————————————————————————–

“My mommy loves me more than anybody

You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.”

Clare - age 6

——————————————————————————–

“Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.”

Elaine-age 5

——————————————————————————–

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he's more handsome than Robert Redford.”

Chris - age 7

——————————————————————————–

“Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.”

Mary Ann - age 4

——————————————————————————–

“I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.”

Lauren - age 4

——————————————————————————–

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.”

Karen - age 7

——————————————————————————–

“Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.”

Mark - age 6

——————————————————————————–

“You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.”

Jessica - age 8

——————————————————————————–

And finally — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child.

The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.

Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there.

When his mother asked what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said,

“Nothing, I just helped him cry”

Lawyers say the stupidest things

The following questions from lawyers were allegedly taken from official court records:-
Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

-----------------------

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

-----------------------

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

-----------------------

Were you alone or by yourself.

-----------------------

How long have you been a French Canadian?

-----------------------

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

-----------------------

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

-----------------------

So you were gone until you returned?

-----------------------

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

-----------------------

-----------------------

Sometimes people actually answer:-




Q: What happened then?

A: He told me, he said, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."

Q: Did he kill you?

-----------------------

Q. I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.

A: That's me

Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

-----------------------

Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

-----------------------

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?

A: I'll be three months on November 8.

Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?

A: Yes.

Q: What were you doing at that time?

-----------------------

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?

A: I used to be.

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

-----------------------

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there girls?

-----------------------

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?

A: Yes.

Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

-----------------------

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the rose Chapel?

A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?

A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

-----------------------

And finally:-


A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Jokes are not universal.



The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza shop and says, "Can you make me one with everything".

Obituary

Dear friends,

It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following: Please join me in remembering a great icon.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Cap’n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very “smart” cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he — even still, as a crusty old man — was considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no tart.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes. 

Fans

Can you match the name of the fan club with the name of the band / singer they are following?  Scroll down for the answers.  


1. Fanilows
2. Beliebers

3. Little Monsters
4. Claymates
5. Maggots 
6. Black Stars 
7. Blockheads 
8. Parrotheads
9. The Apple Scruffs 
10. The Victims
11.  Deadheads 
12. The Blue Army 
13. The Kiss Army 

14. RihannaNavy 
15. Grobanites

16.  Juggalo/Juggalette 
17. Katy-Cats
18. Swifties 
19. Killjoys 
20. Sweet Ps – fans of Pia Toscano from American Idol.
21. Barbies
22. Phans
23. Wayniacs
24. Diamond Heads
25. Taylors or Taylor Gang 
Scroll for answers:-



































































---------------------------------------------------------
1. Fanilows – fans of Barry Manilow.
2. Beliebers – fans of Justin Bieber.
3. Little Monsters – fans of Lady Gaga. 

4. Claymates – fans of Clay Aiken. 
5. Maggots – fans of Slipknot. 
6. Black Stars – fans of Avril Lavigne.
7. Blockheads – fans of New Kids on the Block. 
8. Parrotheads – fans of Jimmy Buffett.
9. The Apple Scruffs – not just fans of the Beatles.
10. The Victims – fans of the Killers.
11.  Deadheads – fans of the Grateful Dead.
12. The Blue Army – fans of Aerosmith. 
13. The KISS Army – fans of KISS.

14. RihannaNavy – fans of Rihanna.

15. Grobanites – fans of Josh Groban.

16.  Juggalo/Juggalette – fans of Insane Clown Posse. 
17. Katy-Cats – fans of Katy Perry. 
18. Swifties – fans of Taylor Swift. 
19. Killjoys – fans of My Chemical Romance. 
20. Sweet Ps – fans of Pia Toscano from American Idol.
21. Barbies – fans of Nicki Minaj.
22. Phans – fans of Phish
23. Wayniacs – fans of Lil’ Wayne… and also Wayne Newton
24. Diamond Heads – fans of Neil Diamond.
25. Taylors or Taylor Gang – fans of Wiz Khalifa

List source: http://www.mentalfloss.com/blogs/archives/101653#ixzz1ZKwgl6x4 - Click for an explanation of the fan club names.

School Reports


Fiona Bruce
"Fiona is interested and responsive, she asks pertinent questions and is not afraid of stating her case"

John Lennon
"Hopeless. Certainly on the road to failure"

Richard Branson
"He will either become a millionaire or go to prison"

Terry Wogan
"If we could just find some way to stop Terry from running away, we might be able to beat some learning into him"

Madonna
"She works hard - but not in a way that gave me hope that she would blend with others"

Jeremy Paxman
"...tediously lackadaisical uncooperativeness"

Hitler
"Moral conduct- very satisfactory"

Sir Winston Churchill
"Does not quite understand the meaning of hard work... he is so regular in his irregularity that I really don't know what to do."

Margaret Thatcher
"Her cheeriness makes her a very pleasant member of her form"

Norman Wisdom
"The boy is every inch a fool but luckily for him he's not very tall"

David Beckham
"He makes good cakes."

Jeffrey Archer
"Archer's essays make me feel like he is destined to be a great story teller or politician."

The news at ton

Try replacing all the "e"s in a paragraph with "o"s see what you come up with.

We need more dawgs

There's a cat in the house. Be a dawg. What a strange man:-

WMD

404 Error message.  This would be funny, if it weren't so tragic  WMD 404 Error Message:-

These Weapons of Mass Destruction cannot be displayed

The weapons you are looking for are currently unavailable. The country might be experiencing technical difficulties, or you may need to adjust your weapons inspectors mandate.

Please try the following:
  • Click the refresh.gif (82 bytes) Regime change button, or try again later.
  • If you are George Bush and typed the country's name in the address bar, make sure that it is spelled correctly. (IRAQ).
  • To check your weapons inspector settings, click the UNmenu, and then click Weapons Inspector Options. On the Security Council tab, click Consensus. The settings should match those provided by your government or NATO.
  • If the Security Council has enabled it, The United States of America can examine your country and automatically discover Weapons of Mass Destruction.
    If you would like to use the CIA to try and discover them,
    click Detect Settings Detect weapons
  • Some countries require 128 thousand troops to liberate them. Click the Panic menu and then click About US foreign policy to determine what regime they will install.
  • If you are an Old European Country trying to protect your interests, make sure your options are left wide open as long as possible. Click the Tools menu, and then click onLeague of Nations. On the Advanced tab, scroll to the Head in the Sand section and check settings for your exports to Iraq.
  • Click the  Bomb button if you are Donald Rumsfeld.

 

Cannot find weapons or CIA Error
Iraqi Explorer

And Then the Fight Started

Our lawn mower broke  and my wife kept hinting that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Phonetic Punctuation

If you have problems with phonetics and English pronunciation, imagine the fun you'd have if you needed to pronounce the punctuation in sentences.




Relationships

Spoonerisms

A spoonerism is an error in speech or deliberate play on words in which corresponding consonants, vowels, or morphemes are switched. spoonerism is

And Then the Fight Started

On retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my pension.  The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age, but I realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.  So I opened my shirt revealing all the curly silver hair on my chest.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my application.

When I got home, I  told my wife what had happened.  She said, 'You should have dropped your trousers. You might have been given a disability pension too.'

And then the fight started.

And Then the Fight Started

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to make love?'

'No,' she answered.  So I said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes,' she replied.

So I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started.

A piece of advice



Transcript

If you want my advice, never waste your pocket money on radio controlled legs.

Top Ten Jokes

Digital TV channel Dave, put a selection of their favourite jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival to a public vote. The top ten jokes of 2011 were:-

1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." (Think about it!)

2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels." (Groan)

3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."

4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."

5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess." (My personal favourite.)

6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."

7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure." (Groan - you need to know a bit about British music to get this one and the phrase "Prevention is better than a cure", which is something we say that means it is better to stop something bad happening than it is to deal with it after it has happened.)

8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."

9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails." (You need to know a bit about the recent phone hacking scandal in the UK - Google "News of the World phone hacking".)

10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin." (Sick!)

The worst joke was from Paul Daniels who won a wooden spoon for:-

He won the dubious honour for his gag: "I said to a fella 'Is there a B&Q in Henley?' He said 'No, there's an H, an E, an N an L and a Y'." (I actually like that one.)