If you want my advice, never waste your pocket money on radio controlled legs.
The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...
Digital TV channel Dave, put a selection of their favourite jokes from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival to a public vote. The top ten jokes of 2011 were:-
1) Nick Helm: "I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves." (Think about it!)
2) Tim Vine: "Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels." (Groan)
3) Hannibal Buress: "People say 'I'm taking it one day at a time'. You know what? So is everybody. That's how time works."
4) Tim Key: "Drive-Thru McDonalds was more expensive than I thought... once you've hired the car..."
5) Matt Kirshen: "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, 'Let's make this interesting'. So we stopped playing chess." (My personal favourite.)
6) Sarah Millican: "My mother told me, you don't have to put anything in your mouth you don't want to. Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards."
7) Alan Sharp: "I was in a band which we called The Prevention, because we hoped people would say we were better than The Cure." (Groan - you need to know a bit about British music to get this one and the phrase "Prevention is better than a cure", which is something we say that means it is better to stop something bad happening than it is to deal with it after it has happened.)
8) Mark Watson: "Someone asked me recently - what would I rather give up, food or sex. Neither! I'm not falling for that one again, wife."
9) Andrew Lawrence: "I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can't even be bothered to check my OWN voicemails." (You need to know a bit about the recent phone hacking scandal in the UK - Google "News of the World phone hacking".)
10) DeAnne Smith: "My friend died doing what he loved ... Heroin." (Sick!)
The worst joke was from Paul Daniels who won a wooden spoon for:-
He won the dubious honour for his gag: "I said to a fella 'Is there a B&Q in Henley?' He said 'No, there's an H, an E, an N an L and a Y'." (I actually like that one.)
The next year, I didn't buy her anything. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And then the fight started.