"I wish the ground could have swallowed me up." Ah! How often have I thought or said this in an awkward social situation? Luckily it never actually happened:-
The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...
Ricky Gervais had a bit too much fun with English when presenting the Golden Globe film awards:-
- On Charlie Sheen: "It's going to be a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it, 'breakfast'."
- On the Sex and the City actresses: "Girls, we know how old you are. I saw one of you in an episode of Bonanza."
- On Hugh Hefner: "Speaking of The Walking Dead, congratulations to Hugh Hefner"
- On Tom Hanks and Tim Allen: "What can I say about our next two presenters? The first is an actor, producer, writer and director whose movies have grossed over $3.5 billion at the box office. He's won two Academy Awards and three Golden Globes for his powerful and varied performances starring in such films as Philadelphia, Forrest Gump, Castaway, Apollo 13 and Saving Private Ryan. The other is Tim Allen."
- On the film The Tourist: "It seems like everything this year was three-dimensional... except the characters in The Tourist.
- On Bruce Willis: "Please welcome Ashton Kutcher's dad, Bruce Willis!"
- On Sylvester Stallone: "The next presenter is a true Hollywood icon. In ten of the biggest blockbusters of all time he has shown his incredible acting versatility by playing a boxer and Rambo."
This is my favourite bit:-
Jim Hacker: "Don't tell me about the press. I know exactly who reads the papers:
- The Daily Mirror is read by people who think they run the country;
- The Guardian is read by people who think they ought to run the country;
- The Times is read by people who actually do run the country;
- The Daily Mail is read by the wives of the people who run the country;
- The Financial Times is read by people who own the country;
- The Morning Star is read by people who think the country ought to be run by another country;
- And the Daily Telegraph is read by people who think it is."
Sir Humphrey: "Prime Minister, what about the people who read the Sun?"
Bernard: "Sun readers don't care who runs the country, as long as she's got big tits."
Hmm - You'd think that people who are paid to write could do better:-
- Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
- Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
- Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
- Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
- Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
- Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
- Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
- British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
- Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
- Eye Drops Off Shelf
- Teachers Strike Idle Kids
- Clinton Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
- Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
- Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
- Miners Refuse To Work After Death
- Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
- Stolen Painting Found By Tree
- Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter
- Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
- Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One
- War Dims Hope For Peace
- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
- Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
- Deer Kill 17,000
- Enfields Couple Slain, Police Suspect Homicide
- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
- Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
- Man Struck By Lightening Faces Battery Charge
- New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group.
- Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
- Chef Throws His Heart In Helping Feed Needy
- Arson Suspect Held In Massachusetts Fire
- Ban On Soliciting Dead In Trotwood
- Local High School Dropout Cuts In Half
- New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
- Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
So far this year I've done well.
I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.