Christmas Cards and Sausages
Signing Christmas cards is fraught with danger, and what should you call a British sausage.
Simple Rules for Life
If you open it, close it.
If you turn it on, turn it off.
If you unlock it, lock it up.
If you break it, admit it.
If you can’t fix it, call in someone who can.
If you borrow it, return it.
If you value it, take care of it.
If you make a mess, clean it up.
If you move it, put it back.
If it belongs to someone else and you want to use it, get permission.
If you don’t know how to operate it, leave it alone.
If it’s none of your business, don’t ask questions.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
If it will brighten someone’s day, say it.
If it will tarnish someone’s reputation, keep it to yourself.
_ Author Unknown
Shared with me by a friend on Facebook.
British Olympics 2012 - Ping Pong is Coming Home
BTW - If you follow the interesting facts blog, Boris Johnston is one of them.
Geometrically speaking
There was an elderly, widowed sixth form algebra teacher in Nottingham, who, as a result of the many years and the many students she had had to put up with, became convinced that she was an equilateral triangle.
When she was cornered, she always looked for a new angle, but in her own way of circular thinking she could never measure up.
She treated everyone equilaterally, until someone called her a square. Although this may have been an acute observation, it was not right. The Pythagorean who made this accusation did not realize that it was actually an obtuse theorem.
The teacher was put on a plane, sent away and committed for her polygonous belief. Many thought that being institutionalized would scalene down her parallelanoia, however, it must have been geometrically impossible to solve that equation.
To sum up … there is good news and bad news. The good news is that she was cured of believing she was a triangle. The bad news: in a special, isoscelestic, 180° turn, she now thinks she is trapped inside a triangle.
Does that mean that she is trapezoid?
Anonymous
When she was cornered, she always looked for a new angle, but in her own way of circular thinking she could never measure up.
She treated everyone equilaterally, until someone called her a square. Although this may have been an acute observation, it was not right. The Pythagorean who made this accusation did not realize that it was actually an obtuse theorem.
The teacher was put on a plane, sent away and committed for her polygonous belief. Many thought that being institutionalized would scalene down her parallelanoia, however, it must have been geometrically impossible to solve that equation.
To sum up … there is good news and bad news. The good news is that she was cured of believing she was a triangle. The bad news: in a special, isoscelestic, 180° turn, she now thinks she is trapped inside a triangle.
Does that mean that she is trapezoid?
Anonymous
Thanks to James
Men and women can be friends.
Honest!
What! You still don't believe me?
Then rename the video:-
What! You still don't believe me?
Then rename the video:-
Smart intelligent women can't be friends with immature boys.
Spelling your name
Transcript
A Bit of Fry and Laurie
A policeman (Stephen Fry) and Derek (Hugh Laurie) are at the police station.
P: All right. Could I just have your name, please, sir?
D: Right, uh…hold on a second….(reaches into his pocket)…Ready?
P: Yes.
D: My name is Derek (drops a pack of gum on the counter—thunk).
P: (confused look) What are you doing?
D: That’s my name.
P: What is?
D: This. Derek (drops gum again—thunk).
P: What? Derek (drops gum—thunk) is your name?
D: Yes!
P: What kind of name is that?
D: It’s my name!
P: A bit unusual, isn’t it, Mr. (thunka-thunk)?
D: If I had a pound for every time someone had said that to me!
P: Um, how do you spell (thunk), Mr. (thunk)?
D: It’s as it sounds.
P: Uh, yeah…if you wouldn’t mind spelling it for me….
D: (looks at watch)Well I mean, can’t you um…
P: I would be very grateful if you would spell it for me.
D: Oh, all right then. N. I. P. P. L. hyphen. E.
P: Nipple.
D: (confused) I beg your pardon?
P: Nipple.
D: Nipple? Where? What are you talking about?
P: N-I-P-P-L-E….
D: Hyphen-E!
P:….hyphen E in my book spells nipple. It does not spell (thunk).
D: Have you gone mad? What are you talking about? I thought the modern policeman was supposed to be a highly-trained law enforcement unit! You can’t even spell!
P: All right, Mr. Nipple, if I could have your address, please.
(no response)
(no response)
P: Your address, please.
D: Are you talking to me?
P: Yes.
D: You want to know my address?
P: Yes, please.
D: Or do you want to know Mr. Nipple’s address?
P: Your address, please.
D: My address. Right. My address is number 22 (tap dance, slaps policeman) King's Lynn.
P: Watch it.
D: What?
P: Just watch it.
D: Watch what, for heaven’s sake?
P: You do realize that assaulting a police officer is a very serious offense?
D: Yes, I imagine it probably is. Very serious. But giving your address to a policeman, on the other hand, probably isn’t so serious, is it? Or is it? Perhaps the law has changed since I last looked. Perhaps the Home Secretary has had to take stern measures against the rising tide of people giving their address to policemen whenever they’re asked!
P: All right, all right. Let’s just check this with you, shall we, Mr. (thunk)?
D: Yes?
P: Your address is 22 (tap dance, punches Derek) King's Lynn.
D: No, no, no. What’s the matter with you? It’s 22 (tapdance, slaps policeman) King's Lynn. Tch!
P: Oh, I’m sorry. I thought it was 22 (tap dance, punches Derek) King's Lynn.
D: Well, it isn’t!
P: Can’t read my own handwriting.
D: Well, get a typewriter!
P: I don’t think we could afford a typewriter, sir. Do you know, it’s funny….From some angles it looks like 22 (tap dance, pulls out a cricket bat and whacks Derek across the head) King's Lynn.
Thanks to Alien and Hekner
Thanks to Alien and Hekner
Do you hate autocorrect?
I know I do, and it must be even worse for English learners. This website is collecting autocorrect mishaps:-
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/
Be warned, there is a lot of very, very rude content, and probably not all of them are true, but some of them are really funny, and you can submit your own autocorrect mishaps too.
http://damnyouautocorrect.com/
Be warned, there is a lot of very, very rude content, and probably not all of them are true, but some of them are really funny, and you can submit your own autocorrect mishaps too.
The definition of "Quick Thinking"
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a big bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing. As he got closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He coughed to make the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator...' Now that is the definition of quick thinking.
Only Fools and Horses - Chandelier Sketch
Del: All right? All right Grandad, we're ready! You can start undoing it now!
UPSTAIRS
Grandad places the spanner on the nut and begins easing it round.
Grandad: It's coming Del Boy! One more turn Del!
THE MAIN HALL
Del: Right. Now brace yourself Rodney, brace yourself.
Grandad gives one last bang with the hammer and the nut comes free.
In the hall the second chandelier crashes to the floor with an almighty 17th-century crystal sounding crunch.
Del and Rodney stare at each other for a few seconds before turning to survey the damage.
Del: (In shock) Grandad was undoing the other chandelier!
Rodney: How can you tell?
They descend the ladder slowly, lowering the canvas bag gently to the floor. They walk slowly towards the remains of the chandelier, broken shards of crystal crunching beneath their feet.
Grandad descends the stairs blissfully unaware.
Grandad: All right Del Boy?
Del: All right? What do you mean 'all right'? Look at it!
Grandad: Did you drop it Del?
Rodney: Drop it? How could we drop it? We wasn't even 'olding it! We wuz working on that one!
Grandad: Well I wish you'd have said something. I was working on this one! Is it very valuable Del?
Del: No, not really! It was bleedin' priceless when it was hanging up there though!
Rodney: What's his lordship gonna say when he finds out?
Del: Well, I think I can safely say that my invitation to the hunt ball has gone for a burton!
Wallace: It's broken!
Del: Look, what the hell do you know about chandeliers anyway?
Rodney: I think he's tumbled Del.
Wallace: I shall telephone his lordship at his cottage immediately!
Del: Yeah, well, tell him to phone us at home. Oh. by the way, has his lordship got our home address and telephone number?
Wallace: No!
Del: Good! Right, out of it. Go on.
The Trotters run for the door, jump in the car and drive off.
The Benedict Le Gauche CV
This is on a blog of its own, so I'll just include the link.
The style of this CV is - - - refreshingly honest.
http://curriculumvitiate.wordpress.com/the-cv/
Euphemisms
George Carlin - Euphemisms Transcript
"I don't like words that hide the truth. I don't words that conceal reality. I don't like euphemisms, or euphemistic language. And American English is loaded with euphemisms. Cause Americans have a lot of trouble dealing with reality. Americans have trouble facing the truth, so they invent the kind of a soft language to protest themselves from it, and it gets worse with every generation. For some reason, it just keeps getting worse. I'll give you an example of that. There's a condition in combat. Most people know about it. It's when a fighting person's nervous system has been stressed to it's absolute peak and maximum. Can't take anymore input. The nervous system has either (click) snapped or is about to snap. In the first world war, that condition was called shell shock. Simple, honest, direct language. Two syllables, shell shock. Almost sounds like the guns themselves. That was seventy years ago. Then a whole generation went by and the second world war came along and very same combat condition was calledbattle fatigue. Four syllables now. Takes a little longer to say. Doesn't seem to hurt as much. Fatigue is a nicer word than shock. Shell shock! Battle fatigue. Then we had the war in Korea, 1950. Madison avenue was riding high by that time, and the very same combat condition was called operational exhaustion. Hey, were up to eight syllables now! And the humanity has been squeezed completely out of the phrase. It's totally sterile now. Operational exhaustion. Sounds like something that might happen to your car. Then of course, came the war in Viet Nam, which has only been over for about sixteen or seventeen years, and thanks to the lies and deceits surrounding that war, I guess it's no surprise that the very same condition was called post-traumatic stress disorder. Still eight syllables, but we've added a hyphen! And the pain is completely buried under jargon. Post-traumatic stress disorder. I'll bet you if we'd of still been calling it shell shock, some of those Viet Nam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed at the time. I'll betcha. I'll betcha.
But. But, it didn't happen, and one of the reasons. One of the reasons is because we were using that soft language. That language that takes the life out of life. And it is a function of time. It does keep getting worse. I'll give you another example. Sometime during my life. Sometime during my life, toilet paper became bathroom tissue. I wasn't notified of this. No one asked me if I agreed with it. It just happened. Toilet paper became bathroom tissue. Sneakers became running shoes. False teeth became dental appliances. Medicine became medication. Information became directory assistance. The dump became the landfill. Car crashes became automobile accidents. Partly cloudy bacame partly sunny. Motels became motor lodges. House trailers became mobile homes. Used cars became previously owned transportation. Room service became guest-room dining. And constipation became occasional irregularity. When I was a little kid, if I got sick they wanted me to go to the hospital and see a doctor. Now they want me to go to a health maintenance organization...or a wellness center to consult a healthcare delivery professional. Poor people used to live in slums. Now the economically disadvantaged occupy substandard housing in the inner cities. And they're broke! They're broke! They don't have a negative cash-flow position. They're fucking broke! Cause a lot of them were fired. You know, fired. management wanted to curtail redundancies in the human resources area, so many people are no longer viable members of the workforce.
Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. It's as simple as that. The CIA doesn't kill anybody anymore, they neutralize people...or they depopulate the area. The government doesn't lie, it engages in disinformation. The pentagon actually measures nuclear radiation in something they call sunshine units. Israeli murderers are called commandos. Arab commandos are called terrorists. Contra killers are called freedom fighters. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part of it to us, do they? Never mention that part of it.
And...and some of this stuff is just silly, we all know that, like on the airlines, they say want to pre- board. Well, what the hell is pre-board, what does that mean? To get on before you get on? They say they're going to pre-board those passengers in need of special assistance. Cripples! Simple honest direct language. There is no shame attached to the word cripple that I can find in any dictionary. No shame attached to it, in fact it's a word used in bible translations. Jesus healed the cripples. Doesn't take seven words to describe that condition. But we don't have any cripples in this country anymore. We have The physically challenged. Is that a grotesque enough evasion for you? How about differently abled. I've heard them called that. Differently abled! You can't even call these people handicapped anymore. They'll say, "Were not handicapped. Were handicapable!" These poor people have been bullshitted by the system into believing that if you change the name of the condition, somehow you'll change the condition. Well, hey cousin, ppsssspptttttt. Doesn't happen. Doesn't happen.
We have no more deaf people in this country, hearing impaired. No ones blind anymore, partially sighted or visually impaired. We have no more stupid people. Everyone has a learning disorder...or he's minimally exceptional. How would you like to be told that about your child? "He's minimally exceptional." "Oohh, thank god for that." Psychologists actually have started calling ugly people, those with severe appearance deficits. It's getting so bad, that any day now I expect to hear a rape victim referred to as an unwilling sperm recipient.
And we have no more old people in this country. No more old people. We shipped them all away, and we brought in these senior citizens. Isn't that a typically American twentieth century phrase? Bloodless, lifeless, no pulse in one of them. A senior citizen. But I've accepted that one, I've come to terms with it. I know it's to stay. We'll never get rid of it. That's what they're going to be called, so I'll relax on that, but the one I do resist. The one I keep resisting is when they look at an old guy and they'll say, "Look at him Dan! He's ninety years young." Imagine the fear of aging that reveals. To not even be able to use the word "old" to describe somebody. To have to use an antonym. And fear of aging is natural. It's universal. Isn't it? We all have that. No one wants to get old. No one wants to die, but we do! So we bullshit ourselves. I started bullshitting myself when I got to my forties. As soon as I got into my forties I'd look in the mirror and I'd say, "well, I...I guess I'm getting...older." Older sounds a little better than old doesn't it? Sounds like it might even last a little longer. Bullshit, I'm getting old! And it's okay, because thanks to our fear of death in this country, I won't have to die...I'll pass away. Or I'll expire like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital, they'll call it a terminal episode. The insurance company will refer to it as negative patient-care outcome. And if it's the result of malpractice, they'll say it was a therapeutic misadventure. I'm telling you, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. Makes me want to engage in an involuntary personal protein spill."
All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy
Pythagorean theorem:......................
Lord's prayer:.......................
Archimedes' Principle:....................
Ten Commandments: ..............................
Gettysburg address: ..............................
US Declaration of Independence : .................. .. ..1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: ........... 7,818 words.
EU regulations on the sale of cabbages?: ........... 26,911 words.
Thanks to Louise
Lord's prayer:.......................
Archimedes' Principle:....................
Ten Commandments: ..............................
Gettysburg address: ..............................
US Declaration of Independence : .................. .. ..1,300 words.
US Constitution with all 27 Amendments: ........... 7,818 words.
EU regulations on the sale of cabbages?: ........... 26,911 words.
Thanks to Louise
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