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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

A little Christmassy Joke

One evening, in a busy bar in Nottingham, a reindeer walked through the door, sidled up to the bar and ordered a martini.

Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-pound note from the reindeer's hoof.

As he handed the reindeer a few coins in change, he said, "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."

The reindeer looked at the coins in his hoof and said, "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy!"

"At these prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here too!"



------------------------------------------------------------


Happy Christmas Everyone!

Look forward to seeing you again in the New Year.  

New Vocabulary

Adminisphere: The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

Seagull Manager: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.

Crop Dusting: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm.

Meerkatting: When someone does the above in a Cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to try and find out who did it.

SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

Swipeout: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example.

Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

An Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake.

WOOFS: Well-off Older Folk.

Can you do one?

https://plus.google.com/u/0/108496131965965723428/posts/DCakurMD9BX

Where do you live?

A young man, wearing a hoodie, was stopped by the police.

Policeman:  Where do you live?
Young Man: With my parents.

Policeman:  Where do your parents live?
Young Man: With me.

Policeman:  Where do you all live?
Young Man: Together.
Policeman:  Where is your house?
Young Man: Next to my neighbour's house.

Policeman:  Where is your neighbour's house?
Young Man: If I tell you, you won't believe me.

Policeman:  Tell me.
Young Man: Next to my house.



Casual Friends vs Real Friends #2

Casual friends, when visiting, act like guests and you have to offer them refreshments.
Real friends open your refrigerator and help themselves.

Casual friends have never seen you cry.
Real friends have shoulders soggy from your tears.

Casual friends doesn't know your parents' first names.
Real friends have their phone numbers in their address book.

Casual friends bring flowers to your party.
Real friends come early to help you cook and stay late to help you clear up.

Casual friends hate it when you call after they've gone to bed.
Real friends ask you why you took so long to call.


Real Friends vs Casual Friends #1

How to tell the difference:-


Casual Friends: Never ask for food.
Real Friends: Are the reason you have no food.

Casual Friends: Call your parents Mr and Mrs.
Real Friends: Call your parents mum and dad.

Casual Friends: Have never seen you cry.
Real Friends: Cry with you.

Casual Friends: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
Real Friends: Keep your stuff for so long that they forget it's yours.

Casual Friends: Know you.
Real Friends: Could write a book about you.

Philosophy

A philosophy professor asked his students just one question for their final exam. The question was :-

"How are you going to make me believe that this chair in front of you is invisible?"

It took most of the students an hour to finish writing their answers, all except for one, well known for being exceptionally lazy, who only took five seconds. 

When the results were posted. The lazy student got the highest score. His answer was :-

"What chair?"

Dadisms

Some of the daft things British dads say:-
  1. Do you think I'm made of money?
  2. Money doesn't grow on trees.
  3. Do I look like a bank?
  4. He's thick as two short planks.
  5. When I was your age ...
  6. Back in my day...
  7. We used to go outside to play.
  8. I'm not sleeping, I'm just resting my eyes.
  9. I'm not going to tell you again.
  10. Were you raised in a barn?
  11. Don't talk back to your mother.
  12. If you were told to jump off a cliff / bridge, would you?
  13. If your friends stuck their head in the oven, would you?
  14. They don't make them like they used to.
  15. Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!
  16. Don't tell your mother.
  17. Ask your mother.
  18. Waste not, want not.
  19. You're not going out in that!
  20. We were grateful to have an orange for Christmas.
  21. Now, don't go spending a lot on me.
  22. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.
  23. Hard work never killed anybody.
  24. You'll understand when you're older.
  25. You don't know you're born.
  26. Don't let the bedbugs bite.
  27. You're grounded!
  28. Go to your room!
  29. NOW!!!

Oil Change Instructions

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN

1) Pull up to garage when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MONEY SPENT

Oil Change £20.00 Coffee £1.00


TOTAL £21.00


OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for £50.00.

2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for £20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Swear.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Friend shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycle!

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to Spar; buy more beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first pint of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin swearing.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Swear for additional 10 minutes.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, get bailed.

50) 12 hours later, get car from police station.

MONEY SPENT

Parts £50.00 Labour £75.00 Fine £2500.00 Bail £1500.00 Beer £40.00 Cost of losing licence £ £ £ 


TOTAL -- £4165.00 +


BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT

A bit of Halloween fun

A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a “BUMP….BUMP….BUMP…” behind him. 

He started walking faster, and looking back he could just make out what looked like an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him….”BUMP...BUMP…BUMP…” 

The man began to run toward his house, but the coffin sped up and bounced after him even faster….faster…BUMP..BUMP..BUMP. 

He ran up to his front door, fumbling with his keys in the lock he opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him, but the coffin crashed through the door, with its lid going BUMP BUMP BUMP, snapping at the heels of the terrified man. 

He rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding. With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, and started coming slowly toward him. 

Screaming the man reached for something, anything, but all he could find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin…and suddenly “the coffin stops.”

Money

I met money and said, "You are just a piece of paper."

Money smiled and replied, "Of course I am, but I haven't seen a dustbin for me yet!"

Growing old

Two old-age pensioners were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turned to the other and said: 'Tom, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Tom said, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really? Like a newborn baby?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

iPhone 5

This is a parody on the advertising for the iPhone 5.




Thanks to Javi

Relationship one liners

Real friends are the ones who survive transitions between address books.
Why do couples hold hands during the ceremony? It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband!
Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway.
My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
Having one child makes you a parent; have two and you become a referee.
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school uniforms.
We call our native language our mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak!

------------------------------

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let have 2 minutes silence.

------------------------------

But never forget -  A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. 

Raising Children


To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, our grandchildren,  nieces,   nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was ' DON'T   ! '
'Don 't what?' Adam asked.

'Don't eat the forbidden fruit' God said.

'Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve! We have forbidden fruit!'

'No Way!'

'Yes way!'

'Do NOT eat the fruit!' said God.

'Why not?'

'Because I am your father and I said so!' God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

'Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?' God asked.

'Uh huh,' Adam replied.

'Then why did you?'  said the Father.

'I don't know,' said Eve.

'She started it!' Adam shrieked.

'Did not!' Eve shrieked back.

'Did too!'

'DID NOT!

And so it went on.

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

So, if you have persistently and lovingly tried to give the children in your charge wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, why would it be a piece of cake for you?

After the Exam

Pass
Teacher:  "I taught him / her well."
Father:  "He's a chip off the old block."
Mother: "My prayers were answered."
Friend: "Let's go for a beer."

Fail



Teacher:  "He / she never concentrated in class."
Father:  (To mother) "He's your son. / She's your daughter."
Mother:  "I knew his / her wild ways would get him / her into trouble."
Friend: "Let's go for a beer."

Moral

Everything changes, but true friendship will always stay the same.

Philosophy - The Truth, Goodness and Usefulness

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said. "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued: "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed.

This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.

Thanks to Marianne

Dennis Commetti Aussie Rules Comments


Staying on a sport's theme, for those not familiar with Dennis Commetti, he is an Aussie Rules football commentator. This is why he is considered to be the best in the business

"Scotty Cummings alone in the square, jumping up and down and waving his arms like they're playing My Sharona ..."

"Farmer may have an injury to his calf ... hmmm, a farmer with a calf problem ..."

"Spider had both his legs taken out from under him – leaving only the other six to balance on ..."

"Ball to Barker to Barlow - The Hawks are attacking alphabetically"

On Melbourne 's Adam Yze: "A terrific player . . . terrible scrabble hand."

"Ling's running off the ground a little bit gingerly."

"Cousins, runs away from Carr ... not the first time we've seen that this season."

On Cameron Cloke (who was timing his ruck jumps badly), "Cloke leaves his messages before the beep."

"Hay is bailed up on the boundary line . . ."  [Hay + bale - get it?]

"Walker to Carr . . . that's a step up . . ."

"He's made a typo! - he wanted Bickley and he's got Buckley!"

"The Magpies ought to be kicking themselves right now, but with their luck, they'd probably miss."

After Darren Gaspar hits the post from 40 metres out: "Gaspar......the unfriendly post."  [Casper the friendly ghost - get it?]

"Ashley McIntosh.........like a good hair spray... capable of a subtle hold."

"Ball in dispute, Lamb, now Yze the meat in the sandwich. Really Lamb should be in the sandwich."

On former Magpie, Crow and now Cat, Brenton Sanderson: "He goes much better as a mammal."

Freo v Port Adelaide. Josh Carr wearing 9 for Port crunches his brother Matthew, wearing 9 for Freo.
"How's that, a two Carr collision, both with the same rego!"

Daniel Metropolis playing for the Eagles was gang tackled by 3 opposition players. "Now there's a city under siege"

Collingwood 40-points up against the Dogs. The camera focuses on Bulldog president David Smorgon looking despondent. "Now there's a glum dog millionaire."  [Slum dog millionaire - get it?]

Thanks to James

Best Cricket Insults - Contains swear words

Sledging is what cricketers call the mocking insults swapped between players out at the wicket.  It has long been part of the game, but you might be surprised at how ungentlemanly these bastions of sport can be.
  • Shaun Pollock to Ricky Ponting: "It's red, it's round and weighs about five ounces." Ponting hit the next ball out of the ground. He jibed, "You know what it looks like, go and find it."
  • Rod Marsh to Ian Botham:  "So how's your wife & my kids?"

    Botham replied: "The wife's fine. The kids are retarded."
  • Fred Truman to incoming Aussie batsman as he opened the gate on his way out to the middle at Lord's:  "Don't bother shutting it, son, you won't be there long enough."

  • Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne:As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket, Warne told him he had Been waiting 2 years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating,"Cullinan retorted.
  • Merv Hughes to Robin Smith: "Mate, you can't bat." Naturally, Smith despatched the next ball for four and responded, "Hey Merv, we'd make a fine pair. I can't bat and you can't bowl."
  • Merv Hughes to Graeme Hick: "Mate, if you just turn the bat over, you'll find the instructions on the other side."
  • Glenn McGrath (bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes): "Hey Eddo, why are you so fat?"
    Eddo Brandes: "Because everytime I make love to your wife, she throws me a biscuit."
  • Eric Morecambe to Dennis Lillee:Are you aware, sir, that the last time I saw anything like that on a top lip, the whole herd had to be destroyed?
  • Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad:During 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed: "Tickets please", Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.
  • Merv Hughes & Viv Richards: During a test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries.
    "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman: "In my culture we just say [eff off]."
  • James Ormond had just come out to bat on an ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh....... MW :  [eff me], look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here, there's no way you're good enough to play for England"
    JO : "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family."
  • Yet another Australian witticism with this time overweight Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga was the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian piped up, "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."
  • Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times.
    Marshall : "Now David, Are you going to get out now or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"
  •  Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip, right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly. "I should've kept my legs together, Fred". "So should your mother" he replied.

Great / Terrible Excuses

The top 10 excuses given to TV Licensing by people who should have a TV licence: 

  1. "Since I had a bit of a fling with the postman I haven't been receiving my mail so I didn't get my TV licence reminder." 
  2. "No-one watches TV apart from the parakeet. It calms him down and stops him ripping out his feathers." 
  3. "I went to the PayPoint to pay for my licence, but I had to leave before I could pay as my kids were stealing sweets and I had to get them out fast." 
  4. "My Payment Card fell in the toaster so I had to iron it and now the PayPoint machine won't accept it."
  5. "I can't afford a TV licence now as the repayments on my brand new car are cleaning me out!"
  6. "I never got the reminders because my two-year-old hides all my post in her toy box"
  7. "I would have to sell my TV to pay for a licence so I can't do that."
  8. "I don't need a TV licence, I already pay for my electricity bill." 
  9. "I'm getting married and am too busy picking flowers, colours and things to buy a TV licence."
  10. "I cannot go out to buy a licence because I am allergic to the sun."
Here are some new ones from 2013:-

  1. "Why would I need a TV licence for a TV I stole? Nobody knows I've got it."
  2. "I have lost weight recently and had to buy new clothes. That's why I could not afford to buy a TV licence." 
  3. "Apparently my dog, which is a corgi, was related to the Queen's dog so I didn't think I needed a TV licence." 
  4. "I don't want to pay for a licence for a full year. Knowing my luck I'll be dead in six months and won't get value for money."
  5. "I could not pay for my TV licence because the Olympic torch was coming down my road and I could not get to the shop as the road was too busy." London.
  6. "I only use my TV as a lamp. If you switch it on it gives a good glow which allows me to read my book." 
  7. "Only my three-year-old son watches the TV. Can you take it out of the family allowance I receive for him? He watches it so he should pay." 
  8. "I got caught shoplifting so I'm barred from the shop that takes PayPoint payments." 

Mistakes on a CV

The following statements are from actual CVs:-
  • Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
  • I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability.
  • Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap.
  • I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich.
  • Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
  • Number of dependents: 40.
  • Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.
Reasons for Leaving the Previous Job:-
  • Responsibility makes me nervous.
  • They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.
  • I was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
  • I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
  • The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
Job Responsibilities
  • While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
  • I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
Special Requests and Job Objectives:-
  • Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
  • My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
  • I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
Physical Disabilities:-
  • Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
Personal Interests:-
  • Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
Typos and Other Bloopers:-
  • Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
  • Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
  • Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
  • Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
  • I'm a rabid typist.
  • Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Statistics

Three statisticians go out hunting, and come across a large deer.

The first statistician aims and fires his gun, but misses by a meter to the left.

The second statistician aims and fires, but also misses, this time by a meter to the right.

The third statistician doesn't fire, but he shouts in triumph, "We got it! We got it!"

Understanding Engineering

Q.  What is the difference between these two professions: mechanical engineers and civil engineers?




A.  Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Antiques Roadshow Spoof

How much do you think a crushed can of American soft drink Mountain Dew from 1995 is worth?

Olympics - Getting a ticket

Even if you could afford a ticket - good luck!

The Olympics (A bit rude in places + some swearing)

The only way to afford a ticket is to move out and camp...

Makes you proud to be British

Or does it? This is a clever mash up, and very tongue in cheek, but with a real political sting in the tail.


I have nothing against the Olympics, and I really hope that everyone who goes there has a great time. But the way it's been hijacked by big money and the cult of celebrity leaves a nasty taste. The video could well get taken down, because it uses the Olympic Games symbol - that's how bad it's become.

Men are from somewhere - Women are from somewhere else #12


SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find a husband who makes more money than she can spend.

New Internet Scam



!Note - Kickstarter is an online pledge system for funding creative projects. It has helped to fund a diverse array of endeavours, ranging from indie films and music to journalism and gaming. I thought about asking for donations to expand the Learn English Network by hiring another teacher, but then I saw this video. :-p

The S word - (Some swearing)

In the UK "shit" is a relatively mild swear word nowadays, but in America it's used for lots of different things:-

 

Men are from somewhere - Women are from somewhere else #11

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Internet melt down



An amusing take on yesterday's imminent internet meltdown.

Perception

HATE has four letters, but so does LOVE.
ENEMIES has seven letters, but so does FRIENDS.
LYING has five letters, but so does TRUTH.
HURT has four letters, but so does HEAL.


Men are from somewhere - Women are from somewhere else #10

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.

If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

KFC - OMG

I had great fun spotting the English words in this spoof ad from the Phillipines. Oh - and it's good for learning some prepositions of place.

Men are from somewhere - Women are from somewhere else #9

MONEY

A man will pay €2 for a €1 item he wants.

A woman will pay €1 for a €2 item that she doesn't want.

All the fun of the fair?

I always thought Fun Fair was a bit of an oxymoron, and I really sympathise with this guy. The bit where he holds up his hands made me snort my tea though - Whee!



More oxymorons here.

Have a bit of fun at the dentists

No trip to the dentist in the UK was ever this much fun!  Good luck understanding what she's saying though.

A bit of shopping vocabulary

This will also crop up in our "generations" discussion on Skype and the forum.  When do we turn from happy, carefree youngsters to crabby old grumps?

Men are from somewhere - Women are from somewhere else #8

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

Men are from somewhere - Women are from somewhere else #7

LOOKS

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Kung Fu Hamster

Catching up on some YouTube videos and found this little gem. 

Men are from somewhere - Women are from somewhere else #6

THE FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Men are from somewhere - Women are from somewhere else #5

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Procrastination

For Tayyabmemon:-

A true procrastinator doesn't shovel snow away: A true procrastinator knows that the snow will melt...eventually.

A skilled procrastinator lives just before the last minute. How? The skilled procrastinator is so busy catching up they never make it to the last minute!

A champion procrastinator never forgets that a job worth doing will still be worth doing in two years time.

Men are from somewhere - Women are from somewhere else #4

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, put out the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

!Note - There's a difference between to dress up and to get dressed.



Men are from somewhere - Women are from somewhere else #3

CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.



Tequila Disclaimer - A little rude

Have you ever heard those disclaimers at the end of pharma and alcohol havadverts?  Well, listen to the end of this commercial.  And good luck.

Men are from somewhere - Women are from somewhere else #2

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a hotel towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.




Names

In the live sessions, we recently talked about silly place names and daft names for people, but what about getting names wrong?  Disastrously wrong in this case:-


Men are from somewhere Women from somewhere else #1


ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Why women love men

We love men because they write poems, songs, and books in our honour.

Because they never understand us, but they never give up.

Because they can see beauty in women when women have long ceased to see any beauty in themselves.

Because they come from little boys.

Because they can churn out long, intricate, Machiavellian, or incredibly complex mathematics and physics equations, but they can be comparably clueless when it comes to women.

Because they elevate sports to religion.

Because they’re never afraid of the dark.

Because they don’t care how they look, or if they age.

Because they persevere in making and repairing things beyond their abilities, with the naïve self-assurance of the teenage boy who knew everything.

Because they never wear or dream of wearing ever higher heels.

Because they’re afraid to go bald.

Because you always know what they think and they always mean what they say.

Because they love machines, tools, and implements with the same ferocity women love jewelry.

Because they go to great lengths to hide, unsuccessfully, that they are frail and human.

Because they either speak too much or not at all to that end.

Because they always finish the food on their plate.

Because they are brave in front of insects and mice.

Because a well-spoken four-year old girl can reduce them to silence, and a beautiful 25-year old can reduce them to slobbering idiots.

Because they want to be either omnivorous or ascetic, warriors or lovers, artists or generals, but nothing in-between.

Because for them there’s no such thing as too much adrenaline.

Because they’re truly as simple as they claim to be.

Because they love extremes and when they go to extremes, we’re there to catch them.

Because they are tender they when they cry, and how seldom they do it.

Because what they lack in talk, they tend to make up for in action.

Because they make excellent companions when driving through rough neighbourhoods or walking past dark alleys.

Because they really love their mothers, and they remind us of our dads.

Because they never care about what their horoscope, their mother-in-law, or the neighbours say.

Because they don’t lie about their age, their weight, or their clothing size.

Because they have an uncanny ability to look deeply into our eyes and connect with our heart, even when we don’t want them to.

Because when we say “I love you” they ask for an explanation.

Because they could never fake an orgasm, even if they wanted to.

Because when all is said and done, they can’t live without us, no matter how hard they try.

Everything Gives you Cancer

Now, this might not seem funny, and I know cancer is no laughing matter, but give me a chance to explain. The Daily Mail is a red top newspaper in the UK which is infamous for printing scaremongering stories, Russell Howard has put into song the things the Daily Mail claims can cause cancer. First shown on Russel Howard's Good News on BBC Three.




Age, air, alcohol, aspirin and calcium.
Ham, honey, eggs, dogs, dieting and soup.  
Being a woman, being a man, bubble bath, and food from cans.
Being black, wearing bras, left-handedness, and speedy cars.
Oestrogen, climate change, babyfood, the menopause.
Beef, beer, pizza, pork, cereal, and worcester sauce.
Childlessness, children, vitamins and bacon.
Chocolate, retirement, deoderant and facebook 


The Mail says that these cause cancer, but it's only rumours that they give you tumours.  
They've got some big balls to print it,
`Cos it's 60 pages of scary bullshit!

American Politics Spoof

Some great words here:  boombox - rollerskating - honey - smooth moves - tag

How not to teach English pronunciation

I've not met many Japanese ESL learners, but I have been reliably informed that this is scarily accurate.

Sorry to be mean, but ...

Her Royal Highness, The Duchess of Cambridge was born Catherine Elizabeth Middleton. She went to school at St Andrew’s School - then attended Marlborough College in Wiltshire then she studied at the British Institute in Florence, Italy, and in 2005, she graduated with a degree in History of Art from the University of St Andrews in Fife, Scotland. Thousands of pounds worth of education, but I guess she didn't do public speaking. Still it's great for ESL speakers. It's like a learning tape. Come the revolution, she could have a great future.

The most dangerous letter

Which is the most dangerous letter in the English alphabet ?

The answer is "W"...

Why? - Well there you have it - it is tension generator...

Because all 'worries' start with a "W"...

Who??

Why?

What?

When?

Which?

Whom?

Where?

War...

Wine...

Whisky...

Women...

Wealth

And Finally .......

..........

.........

..........

Believe it or not

..........

..........

..........

..........

..........

WIFE..

Mostly

This is probably why "mostly" sounds funny to me:-

Fun with words - Men!

Men - tal illness.
Men - tal breakdown.
Men - ingitis.
Men - ace.
Men - strual cramps.
Men - opause.

Have you ever noticed how so many problems begin with men?

Beer Troubleshooting

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to WC, practise in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with barman.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Stick head out of window.

Life Before the Computer

Once upon a time...

An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age.
A CD was a bank account.
If you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to garbage.
If you unzipped anything in public, it was jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to a fire.
A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse was an animal and a mouse pad was where the mouse lived.
A backup happened to your loo.
Cut was something you did with a  knife.
Paste was something you did with glue.
A web was a spider's home.
And a virus was the flu.

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper and the memory in my head.

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash, but when it happens they wish they were dead! 

Anonymous

The Only Way is Wessex

Thomas Hardy in the style of "The only way is Essex".  Getting a lot of grief from internet savvy critics, but I love it.

Have fun with subtitles

Subtitling TV programmes has become the norm in the UK.  It is a boon for deaf people, and a great source of amusement for others, because they often get it wrong - very wrong.  Here are some of my favourites:-

During the Queen Mother's funeral subtitles called for 'a moment's violence', instead of 'a moment's silence'.

A visit by the Archbishop of Canterbury was announced as a visit by the 'Arch bitch of Canterbury'.

Computer-generated subtitles branded the Labour leader 'Ed Miliband' as 'Ed Miller Band'.

The phrase 'principally chemical and biological weapons' was shown as 'The Prince of Chemical and Bionicle Weapons'.

Subtitles called Italian prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, 'Mr Beryl Beryl'

'Millions of puppies' were sold for Remembrance Sunday last year, instead of 'millions of poppies'.

And my personal favourite, which caused a bit of a stir:-

... pigs 'love to nibble anything that comes into the shed, like our willies,'  the person talking had said wellies.

Valentine's Day Memories - Some swearing

Well - one swear word actually, but some great words to describe disagreements.  See if you can spot them all.


Funny Valentine's Day Quotes


"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy."  Henry Kissinger

"Love is being stupid together." Paul Valery

"Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia."  Judith Viorst


"Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch."  Cathy Carlyle

"Falling in love is so hard on the knees."  Aerosmith

"Anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly."  Rose Franken

"Men have died from time to time, and worms have eaten them, - but not for love."  William Shakespeare

"I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon." Anonymous

"Like I've always said, love wouldn't be blind if the braille weren't so damned much fun." Armistead Maupin

"What the world really needs is more love and less paper work."  Pearl Bailey

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked."  Erich Segal

"Love - a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker." Anonymous


"Valentine's Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a poor shot Cupid really is." Anonymous

"If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?" Anonymous


Valentine's Day in the UK

If ....

If it's there and you can see it — it's real.
If it's not there and you can see it — it's virtual.
If it's there and you can't see it — it's transparent.
If it's not there and you can't see it — you erased it !

Girls and Boys

Boy: Hi.
Girl: What?
Boy: How are you?
Girl: Do I know you?
Boy: I'm rich.
Girl: Oh, hi!  I'm fine thanks.  How are you?
Boy: No, I'm Rich.  Rich is my name.
Girl: I don't talk to boys.

The English Should be Ashamed of Themselves

I have to agree. See if you can hear all the great musicians and groups in this clip:-

Final Exam

Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all questions.
Time limit: 2 hours. Begin immediately.


Computer Science
Write a fifth-generation computer language. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.

Electrical Engineering
You will be placed in a nuclear reactor and given a partial copy of the electrical layout. The electrical system has been tampered with. You have seventeen minutes to find the problem and correct it before the reactor melts down.

History
Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.

Medicine
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until you work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.

Public Speaking
2500 riot-crazed students are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.

Biology
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System. Prove your thesis.

Music
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.

Psychology
Based on your knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodisis, Rameses II, Hammuarabi. Support your evaluation with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.

Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Mechanical Engineering
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In 10 minutes, a hungry bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel necessary. Be prepared to justify your decision.

Civil Engineering
This is a practical test of your design and building skills. With the boxes of toothpicks and glue present, build a platform that will support your weight when you and your platform are suspended over a vat of nitric acid.

Chemistry
You must identify a poison sample which you will find at your lab table. All necessary equipment has been provided. There are two beakers at your desk, one of which holds the antidote. If the wrong substance is used, it causes instant death. You may begin as soon as the professor injects you with a sample of the poison. (We feel this will give you an incentive to find the correct answer.)

Economics
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist Controversy and the Wave Theory of Light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all possible points of view. Point out the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.

Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.

Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems which might be associated with the end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your theory.

Epistemology
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your stand.

Physics
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.

Mathematics
Derive the Euler-Cauchy equations using only a straightedge and compass. Discuss in detail the role these equations had on mathematical analysis in Europe during the 1800s.

Philosophy
Sketch the development of human thought. Estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.

Religion
Perform a miracle. Creativity will be judged.

Metaphysics
Describe in detail the probably nature of life after death. Test your hypothesis.

Art
Given one eight-count box of crayons and three sheets of notebook paper, recreate the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Skin tones should be true to life.

General Knowledge
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Extra Credit
Define the universe, and give three examples.

How to be polite in German






My favourite bit?

‎"And you will spend the next 40 years, sharing an office with her, and still be calling her Frau Meyer."

A letter to the passport office - Parental Advisory


This apparently is an actual letter received by the UK Passport Office (edited a bit to make it more SFW, but there are still some swear words in it):-


Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the British Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date?

For [goodness sake], do you guys do this by hand?  My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-[ruddy]-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!

I apologise. I'm really hacked off this morning. Between you and I, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my [ruddy] address!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthals working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for [goodness] sake. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, because I have to go to the other end of this poxy city to get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe make sense. You'd rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, and then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture.  You know, the one where we're not allowed to smile? (bureaucratic  morons). Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile even if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed

An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 .......... I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.
 
......... However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor - WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN GERMANY!




Thanks to James  

Question and Answer

Question - Have you hurt yourself?

Answer - Yes.



 (I feel a bit mean posting this, but he is okay, and it was funny.)

Bumoticons - Parental Advisory

(_|_) a regular a**

(_!_) a real a**

(__|__) a fat a**

(!) a tight a**

(__) a smart a**

(_._) a flat a**

(_*_) a sore a**

(_!__) a lop-sided a**

{_!_} a wobbly a**

(_o_) an a** that's been around

(_O_) an a** that's been around a lot

(_x_) kiss my a**

(_X_) leave my a** alone

(_zzz_) a tired a**

(_13_) an unlucky a**

(_$_) money coming out of his/her a**

(_?_) a dumb a**



Descriptive English - Boom!

Reality hits you hard bro. This was "songified" (not found in any dictionary - yet).

Killer Rabbit

I just read one of those "uplifting" messages on Google+, it went "If you run, make sure you're running towards something and never away." Well, whoever wrote it obviously never met a killer bunny. Run away! Run away!

Saudis in Audis

This is very silly, but it just makes me laugh, and it comes with the transcript. I'm not sure if there is any particular reason for choosing an Audi, apart from the homophonic resonance. I don't know much about car buying habits in the UAE.

Do you speak Frozzy? (Parental Advisory)

Just for Xeb - Too funny not to share, but there's some naughty language. Do you speak Frozzy?

A New Year's Wish For You

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.

(Think about it.)

Happy New Year!