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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

Great / Terrible Excuses

The top 10 excuses given to TV Licensing by people who should have a TV licence: 

  1. "Since I had a bit of a fling with the postman I haven't been receiving my mail so I didn't get my TV licence reminder." 
  2. "No-one watches TV apart from the parakeet. It calms him down and stops him ripping out his feathers." 
  3. "I went to the PayPoint to pay for my licence, but I had to leave before I could pay as my kids were stealing sweets and I had to get them out fast." 
  4. "My Payment Card fell in the toaster so I had to iron it and now the PayPoint machine won't accept it."
  5. "I can't afford a TV licence now as the repayments on my brand new car are cleaning me out!"
  6. "I never got the reminders because my two-year-old hides all my post in her toy box"
  7. "I would have to sell my TV to pay for a licence so I can't do that."
  8. "I don't need a TV licence, I already pay for my electricity bill." 
  9. "I'm getting married and am too busy picking flowers, colours and things to buy a TV licence."
  10. "I cannot go out to buy a licence because I am allergic to the sun."
Here are some new ones from 2013:-

  1. "Why would I need a TV licence for a TV I stole? Nobody knows I've got it."
  2. "I have lost weight recently and had to buy new clothes. That's why I could not afford to buy a TV licence." 
  3. "Apparently my dog, which is a corgi, was related to the Queen's dog so I didn't think I needed a TV licence." 
  4. "I don't want to pay for a licence for a full year. Knowing my luck I'll be dead in six months and won't get value for money."
  5. "I could not pay for my TV licence because the Olympic torch was coming down my road and I could not get to the shop as the road was too busy." London.
  6. "I only use my TV as a lamp. If you switch it on it gives a good glow which allows me to read my book." 
  7. "Only my three-year-old son watches the TV. Can you take it out of the family allowance I receive for him? He watches it so he should pay." 
  8. "I got caught shoplifting so I'm barred from the shop that takes PayPoint payments." 

Mistakes on a CV

The following statements are from actual CVs:-
  • Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs.
  • I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability.
  • Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap.
  • I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich.
  • Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job.
  • Number of dependents: 40.
  • Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.
Reasons for Leaving the Previous Job:-
  • Responsibility makes me nervous.
  • They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions.
  • I was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.
  • I was working for my mom until she decided to move.
  • The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.
Job Responsibilities
  • While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.
  • I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.
Special Requests and Job Objectives:-
  • Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.
  • My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.
  • I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.
Physical Disabilities:-
  • Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.
Personal Interests:-
  • Donating blood. 14 gallons so far.
Typos and Other Bloopers:-
  • Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.
  • Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.
  • Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.
  • Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.
  • I'm a rabid typist.
  • Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Statistics

Three statisticians go out hunting, and come across a large deer.

The first statistician aims and fires his gun, but misses by a meter to the left.

The second statistician aims and fires, but also misses, this time by a meter to the right.

The third statistician doesn't fire, but he shouts in triumph, "We got it! We got it!"

Understanding Engineering

Q.  What is the difference between these two professions: mechanical engineers and civil engineers?




A.  Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.