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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

The Wrong Number

Have fun with English - British Class

As part of our "British Class" discussions on Skype:-

Real Friends vs Casual Friends #1

How to tell the difference:-


Casual Friends: Never ask for food.
Real Friends: Are the reason you have no food.

Casual Friends: Call your parents Mr and Mrs.
Real Friends: Call your parents mum and dad.

Casual Friends: Have never seen you cry.
Real Friends: Cry with you.

Casual Friends: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
Real Friends: Keep your stuff for so long that they forget it's yours.

Casual Friends: Know you.
Real Friends: Could write a book about you.

Philosophy

A philosophy professor asked his students just one question for their final exam. The question was :-

"How are you going to make me believe that this chair in front of you is invisible?"

It took most of the students an hour to finish writing their answers, all except for one, well known for being exceptionally lazy, who only took five seconds. 

When the results were posted. The lazy student got the highest score. His answer was :-

"What chair?"

Dadisms

Some of the daft things British dads say:-
  1. Do you think I'm made of money?
  2. Money doesn't grow on trees.
  3. Do I look like a bank?
  4. He's thick as two short planks.
  5. When I was your age ...
  6. Back in my day...
  7. We used to go outside to play.
  8. I'm not sleeping, I'm just resting my eyes.
  9. I'm not going to tell you again.
  10. Were you raised in a barn?
  11. Don't talk back to your mother.
  12. If you were told to jump off a cliff / bridge, would you?
  13. If your friends stuck their head in the oven, would you?
  14. They don't make them like they used to.
  15. Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!
  16. Don't tell your mother.
  17. Ask your mother.
  18. Waste not, want not.
  19. You're not going out in that!
  20. We were grateful to have an orange for Christmas.
  21. Now, don't go spending a lot on me.
  22. If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times.
  23. Hard work never killed anybody.
  24. You'll understand when you're older.
  25. You don't know you're born.
  26. Don't let the bedbugs bite.
  27. You're grounded!
  28. Go to your room!
  29. NOW!!!

Oil Change Instructions

OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN

1) Pull up to garage when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later write a cheque and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

MONEY SPENT

Oil Change £20.00 Coffee £1.00


TOTAL £21.00


OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for £50.00.

2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for £20.00, drive home.

3) Open a beer and drink it.

4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7) Place drain pan under engine.

8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9) Give up and use crescent wrench.

10) Unscrew drain plug.

11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Swear.

12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.

13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.

15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.

16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.

17) Friend shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.

18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycle!

19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.

21) Walk to Spar; buy more beer.

22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.

23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24) Remember drain plug from step 11.

25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

27) Drink beer.

28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.

29) Discover that first pint of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.

30) Drink beer.

31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.

33) Begin swearing.

34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.

35) Swear for additional 10 minutes.

36) Beer.

37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

38) Beer.

39) Beer.

40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

41) Beer.

42) Lower car from jack stands.

43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.

44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.

45) Beer.

46) Test drive car.

47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

48) Car gets impounded.

49) Call loving wife, get bailed.

50) 12 hours later, get car from police station.

MONEY SPENT

Parts £50.00 Labour £75.00 Fine £2500.00 Bail £1500.00 Beer £40.00 Cost of losing licence £ £ £ 


TOTAL -- £4165.00 +


BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT