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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

To anyone who got a mobile for Christmas

Mary had a mobile.
She texted day and night. 
But when it came to her exams 
She'd forgotten how to write.


Source

Xmas over excitement

As far as I know the little boy was fine, but he'd better hope he never becomes truly famous.  Just imagine if he ran for election in the future.

Spelling Fun - GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU

If GH stands for P as in Hiccough
OUGH stands for O as in Dough
PHTH stands for T as in Phthisis
EIGH stands for A as in Neighbour
TTE stands for T as in Gazette
EAU stands for O as in Plateau
Then the correctg way to spell POTATO would be GHOUGHPHTHEIGHTTEEAU.

(I don't know where this came from originally, but thanks to +W┼éodzimierz Sobkowiak for reminding me of it.)

A bit of festive fun - Jimmy Kimmel Lie Detective



Thanks to +Aladdin Pasha for sharing.

Pronunciation fun

Can you make sense of this poem?  (Tip use the pronunciation rule for Cholmondeley Colquhoun)

A young man called Cholmondeley Colquhoun
Kept as a pet a babolquhoun.
His mother said, "Cholmondeley,
Do you think it quite colmondeley
To feed your babolquhoun with a spolquhoun?


Very Punny



Don't be obstinate...

Transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 04-01-1995.

American: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadian: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

American: "This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."

Canadian: "No, I say again, you divert YOUR course."

American: "THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS ABRAHAM LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP."

Canadian: "This is a lighthouse. Your call."








!Note - (Unfortunately this conversation never really took place, but I almost wish it had.)

Washing up





Michael Rosen is a British children's novelist, poet and ambassador for English.

Silly Police Reports

Mountain View Wal-mart: Police receive a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can.  Upon investigation, officers discover it was only a burrito.
–From the police reports column of a California newspaper

A police officer found 17 clear plastic bags between two parked cars.  Fourteen bags appeared to contain cocaine, and three appeared to contain marijuana, police reported.  If the drugs belong to you, call the detective bureau at 420-2106
–From the police reports column of The Hoboken (NJ) Reporter

 A staff member in Thackery Hall reported to campus police that a male came into his office and began a conversation.
–From the police reports column of the University of Pittsburgh

The sheriff’s department reported a tree lying unconscious in the road on Carpenterville Road.
- From a police notebook.

Deputies responded to reports of a gaggle of elk loitering in a public roadway creating a traffic hazard, near milepost 33, Highway 41, in Oldtown at 1:23 a.m.  Deputies spoke with the elk and they agreed to leave the roadway and not return.
- From the police reports column in an Idaho newspaper

Police responded to a report of two dogs running loose and attacking ducks at about 11:20 a.m. Saturday.
The officer cited a resident for the loose dogs.  The duck refused medical treatment and left the area, according to police reports.
– From a police notebook.

A green and gold coloured bird on Southwood Drive appeared injured.  It ran into the bushes when questioned by the police.
–From a police notebook.

Never forget how lucky you are - Parental Advisory

Parental Advisory - this video contains some swearing and a lot of complicated words.



(I know you probably think you are not lucky, but if you are able to watch and listen to this video, you are lucky to have access to a computer.  66% of the world population have no access to the internet.)

Faith, trust and hope.

During a long drought, a group of villagers gathered to pray for rain.  All the people gathered, but only one young man came with an umbrella.  That's faith.

When you throw a child in the air, they laugh because they know you will catch them.  That's trust.

Every night we go to bed, not knowing if we will wake up in the morning, but we still set our alarm clocks.  That's hope. 

Tips to improve your writing (a joke)

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren't necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don't never use a double negation.

23. capitalise every sentence and remember always end it with a full stop

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.

The beginning of the end

For some reason this post went walkabout, so here's the video again - simply because it's funny, and I'll be honest, I'm jealous, I want one.

Great excuses...

The next time your teacher asks you why you didn't study, tell him / her:-

"A year has 365 days.  

After taking away 52 weekends; 1 day of rest and I have to do household chores on the other day, that's 104 days.  Now there are only 261 days left.  

I need 8 hours of sleep, and in a year that adds up to 122 days so now I'm left with 141 days. 

We need exercise to stay healthy, so that's 1 hour a day, and suddenly 15 days are gone, which leaves me with 126 days. 

I need to eat, and I spend about 2 hours a day eating, that uses up 30 days, and so I'm left with 96 days.  

Communication is important, so say I spend 1 hour a day speaking to friends and family, that takes away 15 days more, which leaves me with  81 days.

Exams and tests take up at least 35 days, so then I'm only left with 46 days.

Taking off approximately 40 days for holidays, I am only left with 6 days. 

I will probably be ill for a minimum of 3 days, and that leaves 3 days in the year to study! 

Even if I only go out for 2 days.  I'm left with 1 day! But that 1 day is my birthday!"

Views on marriage by children...

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they’re rich.
- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
- Theodore, age 8

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
- Ricky, age 10

Anne Robinson Put Downs #4

  1. "Who put the 'more' into moron?"
  2. "Who’s wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead?" 
  3. "Who's the toothless vampire?"
  4. "Is there someone here who’s had a charisma bypass perhaps?"
  5. "Who's turning out to be thicker than a chocolate omelette?"
  6. "Who's as much use as a bird with vertigo?"
  7. "So, in this era of digital television, who's watching the radio?" 
  8. "Who thinks Double Gloucester is a tale of two cities?"
  9. "Who thinks propaganda is having a good look?" 
  10. "Which drip has gone down the plughole?"
  11. "Who thinks Plato is a friend of Mickey Mouse?" 
  12. "Who'd win the Sweet FA Cup?" 
  13. "Who's as useful as a sauna in the Sahara?" 

Good advice

Sent to me by Aladdin, but valid to anyone trying to do anything (including learning English).

Dr. Good - Human Body Vocabulary - Parental Advisory

My favourite bits?

"Who wants pills?"

"It's strange to think that when I love someone, I'm really just loving a bag full of stuff."


Anne Robinson Put Downs #3



  1. "Dear, oh dear, oh dear - I don't think there's a collective name for a bunch of thickies!"
  2. "Who perhaps hasn't really got a grasp of the English language?" 
  3. "Who would come third in a duel?"
  4. Who is obviously denser than Sherwood Forest?" 
  5. "Whose intellect is on a diet?" 
  6. "Who's got varicose brains?" 
  7. Who's as useful as a fan heater in the desert?" 
  8. "Who's head has gone on holiday?" 
  9. "Who's more twit than wit?" 
  10. Who here now would have trouble counting their legs?"

The what!

The what! by Lynne Hand
The what!, a photo by Lynne Hand on Flickr.

Surely not the best name for a band in Germany.

Anne Robinson Put Downs #2



  1. "Who's brain has failed its medical?" 
  2. "Who's as useful as a cat-flap on a submarine?" 
  3. "Who's brain cell must feel very lonely indeed?" 
  4. "Who's IQ test has come back negative?"
  5. "Who's brain is illegally parked?" 
  6. "Who is about as useless as a rubber beak on a woodpecker?" 
  7. "If ignorance is bliss, who has landed in heaven?"
  8. "Who's only brain cell has finally died of loneliness?" 
  9. "You obviously have no knowledge to declare!"
  10. "The questions are still very easy. The contestants are still very stupid!" 


Anne Robinson Quotes and Put Downs #1

Anne Robinson, the host of "The Weakest Link" sometimes has a bit too much fun (at other people's expense) with English.

  1. "Who is as useful as an ashtray on a motorbike?" 
  2. "Who has a brain only a mother would love?" 
  3. "Who truly deserves the Domain Name ignorant.com?" 
  4. "Who is not the sharpest pencil in the case?" 
  5. "Who is so slow that they need to speed up to stop?" 
  6. "Which lamb is up for the chop?"
  7. "Who has an IQ that doesn't even reach into double figures?"
  8. (To a member of the team): "Indeed, Tony, we are sending you back to do what you do best - retire!"
  9. "Who, alas, has delusions of adequacy?" 
  10. "If brains were taxed, who'd get a refund?" 


Naming the baby

A pregnant woman is in a car accident and goes into a coma.

After nearly six months, she wakes up to find that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Don't worry, you had twins! We had to do a C-section, but you had a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother was here and he named them for you."

The woman says, "Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor replies.

Happy, she says, "Well, that's not a bad name!" So a bit more optimistically she asks the doctor, "And what's the boy's name?"

Quietly, the doctor replies, "Denephew."

Waiting...

It's true, your life will not begin here, but watching this video for a couple of minutes might make your day more bearable. :)

You know you're addicted to coffee when...



You believe that coffee beans are one of your five a day.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You grind your coffee beans with your teeth.

You tag your coffee photos.

The staff in the coffee shop know you by your first name.

You don’t sweat, you percolate.

On a flight you call the air hostess just to get a coffee refill.

You want to be cremated just so you can spend eternity in a coffee tin.

You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.

You slip into a coma if you drink decaf by accident.

You’ve given up everything for Lent, but you still can’t last 40 days without caffeine.

Do you suffer from G.O.D complex?

"Every time a modifier dangles, a communicator gets his wings."

A look at the symptoms of the scourge of professional communicators. (I do try to correct people gently.)

Sweet dreams are made of ...

You can have fun with lyrics:-

Sweet dreams are made of cheese, 
Who am I to diss a brie? 
I Cheddar the world and the Feta cheese, 
Everybody's looking for Stilton.



Irish Philosophy

There are only two things to worry about: Either you are well or you are sick:-

If you are well then there's nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are two things to worry about:-

Either you will get well or you will die, and if you get well there is nothing to worry about, but if you die there are two things to worry about:-

Either you will go to heaven or you will go to hell, and if you go to heaven there is nothing to worry about, but if you go to hell you will be so busy shaking hands with friends, you won't have time to worry!

Creepy kids

According to Reddit users these are the top ten creepiests thing their kids have ever said to them.  On reading them, I think some of these kids need professional help.

10. Creepy dating advice

‘I jokingly asked: “What’s the best way to get a girlfriend?”

’7-year-old’s response: “Tell her to be my girlfriend or she’ll never see her parents again”.’ – abluesxs

9. Sibling rivalry

‘My 3 year old daughter stood next to her new born brother and looked at him for awhile then turned and looked at me and said, “Daddy its a monster..we should bury it”.’ – Like_I_was_sayin

8. Watch out grandma

‘Not to me, but to his grandmother.

‘He was cuddling with her and being very sweet (he was about 3 at the time). He takes her face in his hands, and brings his face close to hers, then tells her that she’s very old, and will die soon.

‘Then he makes a point of looking at the clock.’ – NotTomPettysGirl

7. Goodbye dad

‘I was tucking in my two year old. He said “Good bye dad.” I said, “No, we say good night.” He said “I know. But this time its good bye.”

‘Had to check on him a few times to make sure he was still there.’ – UnfortunateBirthMark

6. Beware of monsters

‘While not something my own child has said, my younger cousin (around 5 at the time) once drew a picture of a a black monster, looked up at me, and said “He told me to draw this. He’s coming for you. You better hide.’ – Nilliak

5. Skin peel

‘I was sound asleep, and at around 6am I was woken up by my 4 year old daughters face inches from mine. She looked right into my eyes and whispered, “I want to peel all your skin off”.

‘The backstory here is I had been sunburned the previous week, and was starting to peel. In my sleep addled state however, it was pretty terrifying for a few seconds. I didn’t know if I was dreaming, or what was going on.’ – psalm_69

4. Sibling rivalry part 2

“So I shouldn’t throw him in the fire?”

’3 year old daughter holding her baby brother for the first time.’ – olafthebent

3. Cat crucifixion

‘When I was about 3 we had a cat that had still born kittens. I asked my father if we could make crosses for them, which he did. As he was making them I asked: “aren’t those too small?”

‘Dad: “What do you Mean?”

‘Me: “aren’t we going to nail them to them?”

‘Dad: (after several moments silence) “we’re not going to do that”

‘Me: “oh” – Tom_Zarek

2. Past lives

“Daddy, remember that time we died?” –CtrlShiftZ

1. ???

‘A friend of mine’s child told him “Daddy, I love you so much that I want to cut your head off and carry it around so I can see your face whenever I want”.’ – GatorMcGovern

Source

British vs American English


Attributed to John Cleese:
NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".
Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices  (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular. Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.

Some more quotes:-


"The United States and Great Britain are two countries separated by a common language."  George Bernard Shaw 

"We have really everything in common with America nowadays, except, of course, language." Oscar Wilde, The Canterville Ghost (1887)

'It is a misfortune for Anglo-American friendship that the two countries are supposed to have a common language. A Frenchman in America is not expected to talk like an American, but an Englishman speaking his mother tongue is thought to be affected and giving himself airs. Or else he is taken for a German or a Dutchman, and is complemented on his grammatical mastery of the language of another nation."  Bertrand Russell, "Can Americans and Britons Be Friends?" Saturday Evening Post, 3 June 1944

A couple of links:-

AmEvsBrE

Ode to American English

Quotes about English

"English is the result of Norman men-at-arms attempting to pick up Saxon barmaids and is no more legitimate than any of the other results." H. Beam Piper

"English has a grammar of great simplicity and flexibility." The Story of English

"Fussing about split infinitives is one of the more tiresome pastimes invented by nineteenth century grammarians." Barbara Strang in Modern English Structure

"The English-speaking world may be divided into (1) those who neither know nor care what a split infinitive is; (2) those who do not know, but care very much; (3) those who know and condemn; (4) those who know and approve; and (5) those who know and distinguish...." Fowler's Modern English Usage

"[Someone who uses a multiple negative] spreads as it were a thin layer of negative colouring over the whole sentence instead of confining it to a single place." Otto Jespersen

"The name is misleading, for the preposition to no more belongs to the infinitive as a necessary part of it, than the definite article belongs to the substantive, and no one would think of calling the good man a split substantive." Otto Jespersen, (referring to split infinitives, in Essentials of English Grammar)

"The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary." James D. Nicoll

"This is the sort of English up with which I will not put." Winston Churchill





Old Age #5

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

You know you're a grown up when...


Driving a car doesn’t always sound like fun.

Being bad is no longer cool.

You have friends who have kids.

Saturday mornings are for sleeping.

You are taller than the slide in the McDonald’s play ground.

Your parents’ jokes are suddenly funny.

Christmas starts to annoy you.

You would rather wear your dirty clothes again, ’cause mum is not there to do your washing any more.

Naps are good.

Hitting on young girls is pervy, not flirty.

When things go wrong, you can’t just yell, “Do-over!”

The only thing in your cereal box is... cereal.

You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.

You leave concerts and football matches early to beat the crowd.

You actually want clothes for Christmas.

You don’t want a sports car because of the insurance premiums.

You look at the CTV screen in the supermarket and wonder who the bald guy standing at the counter is,  and then realize it is you.

Understanding Pregnancy

A few of the commonly asked questions regarding childbirth and pregnancy explained.


1. Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

2. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he/she finishes college.

3. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's gender?
A. Childbirth.

4. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's the question?

5. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

6. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out that you're pregnant.

7. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

8. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A Yes, another pregnancy.

9. Do I have to have a baby shower?
A. Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

10. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, got dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out of the garage, only to realise it was chucking it down. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I drove back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed and snuggled up to my wife, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 15 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

And then the fight started...

Old Age #4

Morris, an 82 year-old man who was a bit hard of hearing, went to the doctor for a check up.


A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. The next time the doctor spoke to Morris he said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''

With a horrified look on his face, the doctor said, 'I didn't say that! I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

The English Class

Thanks to +Edwar Cifuentes  for sharing this on Google +.

If you think you have problems with grammar, spelling, punctuation, vocabulary or emphasis / punctuation, don't worry, you're not alone. :)

Grandchildren


  1. A grandmother was in the bathroom, putting on her make-up under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, 'But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!'
  2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, '62.' He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, 'Did you start at 1?'
  3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a loose sweatshirt and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, 'Who was THAT?'
  4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: 'We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.' The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, 'I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!'
  5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?' I mentally polished my halo while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?'

    "You're both really old,' he replied."
  6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. 'What's it about?' he asked. 'I don't know,' she replied. 'I can't read.'
  7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, 'Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!'
  8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our holiday home, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, 'It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.'
  9. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, 'Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.' The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. 'That's interesting,' she said, 'how do you make babies?' 'It's simple,' replied the girl 'You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'.'
  10. Children's Logic: 'Give me a sentence about a public servant,' said a teacher. The small boy wrote: 'The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.' The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. 'Don't you know what pregnant means?' she asked. 'Sure,' said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child.'
  11. A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.

    'They use him to keep crowds back,' said one child.

    'No,' said another, 'he's just for good luck.'

    A third child brought the argument to a close. 'They use the dogs,' she said firmly, 'to find the fire hydrants...' 

Casual Friends vs Real Friends #4

Casual Friends: Say "I love you" in a jokey way.
Real Friends: Say "I love you", and mean it.

Casual Friends: Are around for a while.
Real Friends:: Are for life.

Casual Friends: Save the last slice of cake for you.
Real Friends: Eat the last slice of cake and laugh in your face.

Casual Friends: Would bail you out of jail.
Real Friends: Would be sitting next to you saying, "That was awesome!"

Casual Friends: Will read these.
Real Friends: Will nick them.

A Happy Dog's Bedtime Prayer



Now I lay me down to sleep,
The king-size bed is soft and deep.
I sleep right in the center groove 
My human being can hardly move! 
I've trapped her legs, 
she's tucked in tight, And here is where I pass the night. 
No one disturbs or dares intrude
Till morning comes and I want food! 
I sneak up slowly and it begins
My nibbles on my human's chin.She wakes up slowly groans and shouts, "You rotten beast! Just cut it out!" 
But morning's here and it's time to play 
I always seem to get my way. 

So thank you, Lord, for giving me 
This human person that I see The one who hugs and holds me tightand shares her bed with me at night! 
Author unknown

The original is a night time prayer taught to many children.

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen.

(Cheerful stuff.)

The Space Programme - With transcript

This makes a lot of sense.  :)

Watch the video and then scroll down for the transcript and watch it again - and again if you feel you need to.



Scroll for transcript (edited from YouTube's own automatic caption creator:-


























Following today's press conference in which NASA announced its continuing search for a planet capable of supporting NASA, researcher Doctor Kenneth Haiser sat down with Onion reporters to detail their ongoing mission to find a NASA habitable planet.

"Our objective is to find a planet capable of nurturing not just life, but also a sustained interest in the exploration of the cosmos. Now uh such a planet would need to have water and uh... proximity to light and heat, but also life forms with even the vaguest understanding of the importance of astronomical exploration. Ultimately this would need to be a planet with organisms that have a genuine interest in expanding the limits of their knowledge."

Haiser added that any planet capable of supporting NASA would need to be able to generate a steady stream of financing to meet the agency's eighteen billion dollar annual budget. Though Haiser admitted the unlikelihood of coming across such a fertile celestial environment in the near term, he revealed there have been a few promising leads.

"Well we did locate a planet approximately sixty light years away that we felt could provide an adequate level of funding for our research, but our analysis show that the air was in fact toxic, and would kill every NASA employee in well under thirty seconds. The important thing is we just need to be patient, there's a limitless number of planets in the universe and eventually we will find one with the resources to support our work.We just have to! Right?"

For more on this story check this week's Onion review.

Old Age #3

A man was telling his neighbour 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art .... It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbour. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty..'

New words in the English language (a couple are rude - you have been warned)

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


Thanks to my nephew for sharing.

Honest Wedding RSVP

The favour of your reply is kindly requested.

Attendance

  • Will attend.
  • Will not attend.
  • Will say I plan to attend, but then I won't show, without any explanation, even though you have already had to pay for me.
  • Will attend, and will bring a date, even though the invitation offered no indication that I could bring a date, but you're cool with that, right?





Who makes the coffee in your house?

Two newlyweds were arguing about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the housework around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides it says so in the bible."
Shocked the husband replied, "I don't believe you! Show me!"

So she fetched the family bible, opened it and showed him that at the top of several pages, it said: "HEBREWS."

T for Transport

I know the bus crashed in the lesson on Wednesday was bad, but it was only virtual.  The Tube in real life is even more dangerous.



PS - the Metro in this clip is a newspaper.

Old Age #2



I love this one!

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown..'


Church News

Many churches have their own noticeboards, newsletters, bulletins and nowadays even websites and blogs.

Here are a few church notices that were sent to us, they allegedly appeared in church bulletins, or were announced at services. They seem to be unattributed, probably to save someone's blushes. Thanks to Paul for sharing. :)


  • The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. 
  • Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
  • Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
  • Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. 
  • For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  • Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  • Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. 
  • A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
  • At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  • Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  • Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  • Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
  • The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
  • Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
  • The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  • This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  • The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'The sermon tonight:'Searching for Jesus.'
  • The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. 
  • Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door. 
  • The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  • Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  • The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.

Cats vs Dogs

If cats and dogs were people, I guess it could be like this:-

UK Burgers Scandal

Following the recent scandal that horsemeat has been used in burgers in the UK, here's proof that the British will make a joke out of anything. 

What’s in this burger? It just jumped over my chips.

I’ve got some burgers in the fridge. But . . . THEY’RE OFFFFFFFFF!

I went to Burger King yesterday and ordered a burger. They asked me if I wanted anything on it, and I said: ‘Yes — a fiver each way.’

What do you call a burnt burger? Black Beauty.

Does anyone have a tooth pick? I went to Burger King last night and there’s still a bit between my teeth.

My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I went out and bought tickets for the Grand National.

If you think horse meat’s bad, wait until you try veggie burgers. They’re made of genuine uniQuorn.

Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today. The deal’s called Only Fuel and Horses.

They’ve found horse meat in burgers? It’s an unbridled disaster.

I selected some burgers on the Tesco shopping website. And then clicked ‘Add to cart.’

Those Tesco horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony.

A woman has been taken to hospital after eating Tesco burgers. Her condition is said to be stable.

I used to work on the Tesco meat counter, but it was like flogging a dead horse.

Last night I ate a Tesco burger, an Iceland burger and an Aldi burger to find out which had the best taste.  Tesco won by a short head.

I think someone may be sending me death threats. I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger in my bed.

I bought an ‘award-winning’ Tesco burger. I didn’t realise they meant it had won the Cheltenham Gold Cup.

I got an email about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.

Horse meat in Tesco burgers? What are the odds on that?

I tried to take some burgers back to Tesco but they said they wouldn’t accept them. Looks like I’m saddled with them.

Despite the recent scandal, beef burger sales remain stable.

Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh?

I won’t be switching to Tesco Finest burgers. They’re so expensive that buying enough for a big family dinner won’t leave you much change from a pony.

I was going to give up fast food for January, but I fell at the final hurdle and had a burger.

Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb’s and some burgers. So that’s white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.

Despite the recent scandal, Burger King insists they only use meat of the highest quality. A spokesman said: ‘Our meat has to clear several hurdles before it goes on sale.’

I don’t know why there’s a fuss all of a sudden. There’s been horse meat in burgers for donkey’s years.

I like my burgers with a side saddle and neighonnaise.

Special offer - burgers at hoof price.

So there’s horse meat in Burger King burgers. Don’t worry, it’s not the mane ingredient.

I bought some Tesco burgers — I wanted to get venison ones, but they were dead dear.

I ordered a burger the other day — but asked them to hold the dressage.

Forget the Everyday Value burgers — I only eat those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d’oeuvres.

They would’ve got away with it if it wasn’t for the DN Neigh test.

Burgers low in fat high in Shergar.

I never eat burgers, they give me the trots.



-------------------------------



Scientist: ‘Sir, we’ve discovered horse meat in your burgers.’

Tesco boss: ‘Why the long face?’



-------------------------



A Tesco burger walks into a bar. ‘A pint please.’

‘I can’t hear you,’ says the barman.

‘Sorry’ replies the burger. ‘I’m a little horse.’

Casual Friends vs Real Friends #3


Casual friends are happy to talk with you about your problems.
Real friends try to help you with your problems.

Casual friends wonder about your romantic history.
Real friends could blackmail you with it.

Casual friends think the friendship is over when you have an argument.
Real friends call you after you have had a fight.

Casual friends expect you to always be there for them.
Real friends expect to always be there for you!


Casual Friends: Knock on your front door.
Real Friends:  Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!"



Rhopalic Text


What is rhopalic text?  Well, here's a nice example of a piece:-

"I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting; nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality, counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalises intercommunications’ incomprehensibleness."

Rhopalic describes text in which each word contains one more letter or syllable than the one preceding it.  This text starts with 1 letter, then 2, then 3 and so on.... Clever stuff.

The 12 Days of Christmas - Alternative Version

These are the replies Fred received from his true love, when he actually sent her the gifts of the 12 days of Christmas:

Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 26


Dearest Fred:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a wonderful thoughtful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest Love and Devotion,
Sara

Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 27

Dearest Fred:

Today the postman brought your most wonderful gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves! I'm delighted at your very sweet gift. They are just adorable. I will have to get a cage for them.

With deepest Love,
Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 28

Dearest Fred:

Oh! Your third gift arrived! I really don't deserve such generosity - three French hens. They are just lovely, but I must protest - you've been way too kind.

Love,
Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 29

Dearest Fred:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they're quite nice, but now I have 10 birds and nowhere to put any more....so please, no more birds! But, thanks.

Affectionately,
Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 30

Dearest Fred:

What a surprise! Another present....and not a bird this time! Wow! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for each finger. You're just too extravagant, but I love it! Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves, but the rings are wonderful...and so quiet!

Your adoring,
Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 31

Dear Fred:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge! And it was bird poop that they were laying - complete with a large dose of coliform bacteria.

Where will am I supposed to keep them? The neighbours are complaining, and I can't sleep through all the racket. I guess I have my own noise-makers for New Year's Eveon tonight.

Please stop. NO MORE BIRDS!

Cordially,
Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
January 1

Fred:

Happy New Year...to some people. It hasn't been so happy with me. What's with you and these damn birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of practical joke is this? There is bird guana all over the house and they never stop squawking. I could not sleep all night and I'm a nervous wreck. The police came with a noise abatement order. You have gone too far, bird brain.

STOP SENDING BIRDS. NO MORE BIRDS! GOT IT?

Sincerely,
Sara

Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK

January 2

OK, the joke is over! I think I prefer the birds to this. What am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? As if that's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their cows. Have you ever smelled a garden covered in cow pats? Piles of the stuff, all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. Leave me alone. NO MORE "GIFTS".

Sara

Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK

January 3

Hey, Moron:

What are you? Some kind of freak? Now there's nine ladies dancing...right in the smelly you-know-what and tracking it all over my house. The way they've been bickering with the milk maids, I hesitate to even call them ladies. This is harassment!

 Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK

January 4

You rotten swine:

What's with the ten lords a-leaping? I have threatened to break their legs so that they can never leap again. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death by the leapers, the dancers, and the cows.

At least, I don't have to worry about them any more. However, the cows were mooing all night and are all suffering from diarrhea. My living room is a sewer! There is a petition going around to have me evicted.

I'm filing a complaint with the police about you!

One who means it.

Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK

January 5

Listen, shit for brains:

Now there are eleven pipers piping. And they never stop piping...except when they're chasing the milk maids or the dancing girls. The cows are getting very upset and are sounding worse than the birds ever did. What am I going to do? I received a court summons today!

I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Sara

Law Offices
Sue, Pillage, and Plunder
1313 Grunge St
Somewhere, UK

January 6

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Sara Truelove. The damage, of course, was total. She was found beating her head against the wall to the beat of the twelve drums. If you should attempt to reach Miss Truelove at the Happy Glen Sanitorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Sue, Pillage, and Plunder
Solicitors

Old age #1

An elderly man had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear perfectly.

The elderly gentleman went back to the doctor after a month for a routine check, and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased 
that you can hear again.' 

The man replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'