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The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

The 12 Days of Christmas - Alternative Version

These are the replies Fred received from his true love, when he actually sent her the gifts of the 12 days of Christmas:

Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 26


Dearest Fred:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a wonderful thoughtful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest Love and Devotion,
Sara

Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 27

Dearest Fred:

Today the postman brought your most wonderful gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves! I'm delighted at your very sweet gift. They are just adorable. I will have to get a cage for them.

With deepest Love,
Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 28

Dearest Fred:

Oh! Your third gift arrived! I really don't deserve such generosity - three French hens. They are just lovely, but I must protest - you've been way too kind.

Love,
Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 29

Dearest Fred:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they're quite nice, but now I have 10 birds and nowhere to put any more....so please, no more birds! But, thanks.

Affectionately,
Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 30

Dearest Fred:

What a surprise! Another present....and not a bird this time! Wow! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for each finger. You're just too extravagant, but I love it! Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves, but the rings are wonderful...and so quiet!

Your adoring,
Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 31

Dear Fred:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge! And it was bird poop that they were laying - complete with a large dose of coliform bacteria.

Where will am I supposed to keep them? The neighbours are complaining, and I can't sleep through all the racket. I guess I have my own noise-makers for New Year's Eveon tonight.

Please stop. NO MORE BIRDS!

Cordially,
Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
January 1

Fred:

Happy New Year...to some people. It hasn't been so happy with me. What's with you and these damn birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of practical joke is this? There is bird guana all over the house and they never stop squawking. I could not sleep all night and I'm a nervous wreck. The police came with a noise abatement order. You have gone too far, bird brain.

STOP SENDING BIRDS. NO MORE BIRDS! GOT IT?

Sincerely,
Sara

Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK

January 2

OK, the joke is over! I think I prefer the birds to this. What am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? As if that's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their cows. Have you ever smelled a garden covered in cow pats? Piles of the stuff, all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. Leave me alone. NO MORE "GIFTS".

Sara

Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK

January 3

Hey, Moron:

What are you? Some kind of freak? Now there's nine ladies dancing...right in the smelly you-know-what and tracking it all over my house. The way they've been bickering with the milk maids, I hesitate to even call them ladies. This is harassment!

 Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK

January 4

You rotten swine:

What's with the ten lords a-leaping? I have threatened to break their legs so that they can never leap again. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death by the leapers, the dancers, and the cows.

At least, I don't have to worry about them any more. However, the cows were mooing all night and are all suffering from diarrhea. My living room is a sewer! There is a petition going around to have me evicted.

I'm filing a complaint with the police about you!

One who means it.

Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK

January 5

Listen, shit for brains:

Now there are eleven pipers piping. And they never stop piping...except when they're chasing the milk maids or the dancing girls. The cows are getting very upset and are sounding worse than the birds ever did. What am I going to do? I received a court summons today!

I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Sara

Law Offices
Sue, Pillage, and Plunder
1313 Grunge St
Somewhere, UK

January 6

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Sara Truelove. The damage, of course, was total. She was found beating her head against the wall to the beat of the twelve drums. If you should attempt to reach Miss Truelove at the Happy Glen Sanitorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Sue, Pillage, and Plunder
Solicitors