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Scroll for transcript (edited from YouTube's own automatic caption creator:-
Following today's press conference in which NASA announced its continuing search for a planet capable of supporting NASA, researcher Doctor Kenneth Haiser sat down with Onion reporters to detail their ongoing mission to find a NASA habitable planet.
"Our objective is to find a planet capable of nurturing not just life, but also a sustained interest in the exploration of the cosmos. Now uh such a planet would need to have water and uh... proximity to light and heat, but also life forms with even the vaguest understanding of the importance of astronomical exploration. Ultimately this would need to be a planet with organisms that have a genuine interest in expanding the limits of their knowledge."
Haiser added that any planet capable of supporting NASA would need to be able to generate a steady stream of financing to meet the agency's eighteen billion dollar annual budget. Though Haiser admitted the unlikelihood of coming across such a fertile celestial environment in the near term, he revealed there have been a few promising leads.
"Well we did locate a planet approximately sixty light years away that we felt could provide an adequate level of funding for our research, but our analysis show that the air was in fact toxic, and would kill every NASA employee in well under thirty seconds. The important thing is we just need to be patient, there's a limitless number of planets in the universe and eventually we will find one with the resources to support our work.We just have to! Right?"
For more on this story check this week's Onion review.