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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

The Moon Landing

Mitchell and Webb's Plot to Fool The World:-

Cats vs Dogs

If cats and dogs were people, I guess it could be like this:-

UK Burgers Scandal

Following the recent scandal that horsemeat has been used in burgers in the UK, here's proof that the British will make a joke out of anything. 

What’s in this burger? It just jumped over my chips.

I’ve got some burgers in the fridge. But . . . THEY’RE OFFFFFFFFF!

I went to Burger King yesterday and ordered a burger. They asked me if I wanted anything on it, and I said: ‘Yes — a fiver each way.’

What do you call a burnt burger? Black Beauty.

Does anyone have a tooth pick? I went to Burger King last night and there’s still a bit between my teeth.

My doctor told me to watch what I eat, so I went out and bought tickets for the Grand National.

If you think horse meat’s bad, wait until you try veggie burgers. They’re made of genuine uniQuorn.

Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting today. The deal’s called Only Fuel and Horses.

They’ve found horse meat in burgers? It’s an unbridled disaster.

I selected some burgers on the Tesco shopping website. And then clicked ‘Add to cart.’

Those Tesco horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony.

A woman has been taken to hospital after eating Tesco burgers. Her condition is said to be stable.

I used to work on the Tesco meat counter, but it was like flogging a dead horse.

Last night I ate a Tesco burger, an Iceland burger and an Aldi burger to find out which had the best taste.  Tesco won by a short head.

I think someone may be sending me death threats. I woke up this morning with a Tesco burger in my bed.

I bought an ‘award-winning’ Tesco burger. I didn’t realise they meant it had won the Cheltenham Gold Cup.

I got an email about a delivery of horse meat and I marked it as spam.

Horse meat in Tesco burgers? What are the odds on that?

I tried to take some burgers back to Tesco but they said they wouldn’t accept them. Looks like I’m saddled with them.

Despite the recent scandal, beef burger sales remain stable.

Are you in favour of horse meat in your burgers? Yay or Neigh?

I won’t be switching to Tesco Finest burgers. They’re so expensive that buying enough for a big family dinner won’t leave you much change from a pony.

I was going to give up fast food for January, but I fell at the final hurdle and had a burger.

Just been to Tesco and bought a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of Lamb’s and some burgers. So that’s white rum, navy rum and Red Rum.

Despite the recent scandal, Burger King insists they only use meat of the highest quality. A spokesman said: ‘Our meat has to clear several hurdles before it goes on sale.’

I don’t know why there’s a fuss all of a sudden. There’s been horse meat in burgers for donkey’s years.

I like my burgers with a side saddle and neighonnaise.

Special offer - burgers at hoof price.

So there’s horse meat in Burger King burgers. Don’t worry, it’s not the mane ingredient.

I bought some Tesco burgers — I wanted to get venison ones, but they were dead dear.

I ordered a burger the other day — but asked them to hold the dressage.

Forget the Everyday Value burgers — I only eat those mini-burgers you have as snacks. You know, the horse d’oeuvres.

They would’ve got away with it if it wasn’t for the DN Neigh test.

Burgers low in fat high in Shergar.

I never eat burgers, they give me the trots.



-------------------------------



Scientist: ‘Sir, we’ve discovered horse meat in your burgers.’

Tesco boss: ‘Why the long face?’



-------------------------



A Tesco burger walks into a bar. ‘A pint please.’

‘I can’t hear you,’ says the barman.

‘Sorry’ replies the burger. ‘I’m a little horse.’

Casual Friends vs Real Friends #3


Casual friends are happy to talk with you about your problems.
Real friends try to help you with your problems.

Casual friends wonder about your romantic history.
Real friends could blackmail you with it.

Casual friends think the friendship is over when you have an argument.
Real friends call you after you have had a fight.

Casual friends expect you to always be there for them.
Real friends expect to always be there for you!


Casual Friends: Knock on your front door.
Real Friends:  Walk right in and say "I'M HOME!"



Rhopalic Text


What is rhopalic text?  Well, here's a nice example of a piece:-

"I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting; nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality, counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalises intercommunications’ incomprehensibleness."

Rhopalic describes text in which each word contains one more letter or syllable than the one preceding it.  This text starts with 1 letter, then 2, then 3 and so on.... Clever stuff.

The 12 Days of Christmas - Alternative Version

These are the replies Fred received from his true love, when he actually sent her the gifts of the 12 days of Christmas:

Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 26


Dearest Fred:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a wonderful thoughtful gift! I couldn't have been more surprised.

With deepest Love and Devotion,
Sara

Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 27

Dearest Fred:

Today the postman brought your most wonderful gift. Just imagine - two turtle doves! I'm delighted at your very sweet gift. They are just adorable. I will have to get a cage for them.

With deepest Love,
Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 28

Dearest Fred:

Oh! Your third gift arrived! I really don't deserve such generosity - three French hens. They are just lovely, but I must protest - you've been way too kind.

Love,
Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 29

Dearest Fred:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now, really, they're quite nice, but now I have 10 birds and nowhere to put any more....so please, no more birds! But, thanks.

Affectionately,
Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 30

Dearest Fred:

What a surprise! Another present....and not a bird this time! Wow! Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for each finger. You're just too extravagant, but I love it! Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves, but the rings are wonderful...and so quiet!

Your adoring,
Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
December 31

Dear Fred:

When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge! And it was bird poop that they were laying - complete with a large dose of coliform bacteria.

Where will am I supposed to keep them? The neighbours are complaining, and I can't sleep through all the racket. I guess I have my own noise-makers for New Year's Eveon tonight.

Please stop. NO MORE BIRDS!

Cordially,
Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK
January 1

Fred:

Happy New Year...to some people. It hasn't been so happy with me. What's with you and these damn birds? Seven swans a-swimming. What kind of practical joke is this? There is bird guana all over the house and they never stop squawking. I could not sleep all night and I'm a nervous wreck. The police came with a noise abatement order. You have gone too far, bird brain.

STOP SENDING BIRDS. NO MORE BIRDS! GOT IT?

Sincerely,
Sara

Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK

January 2

OK, the joke is over! I think I prefer the birds to this. What am I going to do with eight maids a-milking? As if that's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their cows. Have you ever smelled a garden covered in cow pats? Piles of the stuff, all over the lawn, and I can't move in my own house. Leave me alone. NO MORE "GIFTS".

Sara

Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK

January 3

Hey, Moron:

What are you? Some kind of freak? Now there's nine ladies dancing...right in the smelly you-know-what and tracking it all over my house. The way they've been bickering with the milk maids, I hesitate to even call them ladies. This is harassment!

 Sara


Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK

January 4

You rotten swine:

What's with the ten lords a-leaping? I have threatened to break their legs so that they can never leap again. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death by the leapers, the dancers, and the cows.

At least, I don't have to worry about them any more. However, the cows were mooing all night and are all suffering from diarrhea. My living room is a sewer! There is a petition going around to have me evicted.

I'm filing a complaint with the police about you!

One who means it.

Miss Sara Truelove
Somewhere, UK

January 5

Listen, shit for brains:

Now there are eleven pipers piping. And they never stop piping...except when they're chasing the milk maids or the dancing girls. The cows are getting very upset and are sounding worse than the birds ever did. What am I going to do? I received a court summons today!

I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,
Sara

Law Offices
Sue, Pillage, and Plunder
1313 Grunge St
Somewhere, UK

January 6

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve drummers drumming which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Sara Truelove. The damage, of course, was total. She was found beating her head against the wall to the beat of the twelve drums. If you should attempt to reach Miss Truelove at the Happy Glen Sanitorium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,
Sue, Pillage, and Plunder
Solicitors

Old age #1

An elderly man had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed him to hear perfectly.

The elderly gentleman went back to the doctor after a month for a routine check, and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased 
that you can hear again.' 

The man replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'