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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

Commas are important

"A panda walks into a café. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

Panda.  Large black-and-white, bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves." 

Definitions of the sciences

If it's green or wiggles, it's biology.

If it stinks, it's chemistry.

If you can't touch it it's physics.

If it has faults, it's geology.

If it's incomprehensible, it's applied mathematics.

If you can make it do whatever you want, it's statistics.

If it doesn't make sense, it's economics or psychology.

I know that when the water is lapping at your toes and everything is looking gloomy it's hard to crack a smile, but this review of hessian sandbags on Amazon made me LOL:-


Upon watching the truly realistic blockbuster movie, 2012, I was left with two choices in the face of the impending end-of-the-world calamity thing about to unfold. Either relocate to the tip of South Africa or purchase a mind-bendingly extensive array of sandbags. The latter seemed the easier option and was made especially convenient by Amazon's free delivery service.
The pack of 10 Hessian Sandbags (Unfilled) were delivered within 4 days and I was so excited by the prospect of being able to save my loved ones from the imminent apocalypse that I tore open the package right there in front of the postman. These sandbags are beauties. The postman was suitably impressed even though he was wearing a rather quizzical look and backing away somewhat. 
I unpacked them and laid them out on the floor. Perfect rectangles of hessian protection. (*Spoiler alert* - these sandbags do not contain sand). All I needed now was some sand and this was quickly solved by a midnight visit to my local park - the children's sandpit is such a source of fun and youthful engineering. And great sand. I even found an old Star Wars action figure lost in there. Result! Great memories! 
My bags were soon filled and giving me joy as they lay in a small easy-to-assemble wall-like fashion along the front of my homestead. Realizing that in order to protect everything I hold dear I would need slightly more than the 10 I had ordered I ventured back to my favourite web-based superstore. Imagine my surprise when I found that these sandy lovelies hadn't been reviewed before! 'There are no customer reviews yet' was music to my eyes. I'd be the first - what an honour and responsibility! 
My order of 600 was dispatched in days (thanks again, Amazon, you benevolent purveyor of all things sandbag!) and really took some filling! The newspaper reports on the missing children's sandpit were heartbreaking but ultimately necessary in the face of the imminent collapse of civilization early next year. 
I'd also like to flag up the geek-chicness of this purchase. I particularly liked the fact that customers who purchased the sandbags also purchased an Apple MacBook Pro. Mac users are very often pioneers and culture shapers so it felt like the bags had a hint of tech cool. I bet Steve Jobs has some too! I was smitten so I ordered one too (it was delivered at the same time as my bags - crazy cool!). Just so I could write this review on a shiny new fruit-based computer. 
Since I began ordering the sandbags I've also had the pleasure of receiving Amazon's informative and wonderfully numerous 'Recommendation' emails. 'Sahara' starring Matthew McConaughey has become a particular favorite of mine (all that lovely sand and he's quite the beefcake!). The 'Potato and Onion Vegetable Storage Sack' (purchased by 13% of customers who also viewed sandbags) have also been a hit and should prove useful in organizing our foodstuffs as the world breaks up. And, of course, I purchased a Blue-Ray spinning disc, special edition, directors cut of 2012 (gotta be prepared, John Cusack-style!). 
It is just unfortunate that Amazon don't sell the main ingredient for the perfect bag. Sand may be the most plentiful item on earth but Amazon doesn't supply it. Jeff, could you look into that, please? You know you rock. And rock makes sand. Eventually. 
Finally I'd just like to point out that these bags are sooo multi-functional it's unbelievable! They really are value for money in capital letters (VALUE FOR MONEY! Haha!). I've used them to prop open doors and even as occasional table ornamentation. They look grand with candles and and flowers! 
Anyway, I hope you have found this review as useful as I've found the product. I can no longer accept deliveries from Amazon or anyone else for that matter. These fantastic sandbags are protecting my home well and truly! I can't recommend them highly enough! Bring on next year!

Source: http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/pdp/profile/A28EXK0R23UI04/ref=cm_cr_dp_pdp

The burglar sketch



Man: Burglar!  Burglar!

Woman: Yes?

Man: Burglar, madam.

Woman: What do you want?

Man: I want to come in and steal a few things, madam.

Woman: Are you an encyclopedia salesman?

Man: No, madam, I'm a burglar.  I burgle people.

Woman: I think you're an encyclopedia salesman.

Man: Oh, I'm not.  Open the door - let me in, please.

Woman: If I let you in, you'll sell me encyclopedias.

Man: I won't madam.  I just want to come in - ransack the flat.  Honestly!

Woman: Promise? No encyclopedias?

Man: None at all.

Woman: All right, you'd better come in then.

Man: Mind you, I don't know whether you've ever really considered the advantages of owning a really fine set of modern encyclopedias.  You know, they can do you really wonders.





"February is the shortest month of the year, so if you are having a miserable month, try to schedule it for February." Lemony Snicket