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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

An interesting word

"Startling" is the only 9-letter English word that you can create new words from by removing a letter each time.

Warning!

Do NOT wash your hair in the shower!!
It’s so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!
The problem is that the shampoo runs down your body when you use it in the shower.
I don’t know WHY I didn’t figure this out sooner! I use shampoo in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body, and printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning; “FOR EXTRA BODY AND VOLUME.”
No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have thrown that shampoo away and I am going to start showering with Fair washin up liquid. It’s label reads, “DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.”
Problem solved! If I don’t answer the phone, I’ll be in the shower!

Daft Questions

Most people phone their local council about bin collections, potholes and housing - but it appears many also think they have the answer to every question under the sun.

The Local Government Association (LGA), which deals with about 50 million calls across England and Wales every year has released some of the calls that have left staff in its 370 councils completely baffled.

1. Do you know how much water I need to cook super noodles?

(Stevenage Borough Council)

2. What are the rules and regulations for hosting a mouse race?

(Somerset County Council)

3. Can I exercise my kestrel on your tip?

(Nottinghamshire County Council)

4. Seven letters, James Bond’s cat-loving nemesis, begins with B?

(a call to Staffordshire County Council from an elderly lady asking for help on her crossword)

5. What is the daily room rate at the Holiday Inn Express?

(Stevenage Borough Council)

6. What size tin is required for the Mary Berry strawberry tart featured on the BBC’s Great British Bake Off?

(Somerset County Council)

7. I met a boy whilst on holiday in Ibiza, but I’ve lost his number. He said he lived in Nottingham and his dad is a bin man. Do you know him?

(Nottinghamshire County Council)

8. How many geese are on the boating lake in Cleethorpes this year?

(A question to North East Lincolnshire Council from a caller who wanted to visit but was allergic to feathers!)

9. What time does your website close?

(Poole Borough Council)

10. How high is Mount Kilimanjaro?

(Somerset County Council)

Source: The Independent 

Texting can be dangerous


A student got the following text from his mother:-
Mom: Your great-aunt just passed away. LOL.
He texted back:-
Son: Mom! Why is that funny?

Mom: It’s not funny! What do you mean?

Son: Mom, LOL means Laughing Out Loud.

Mom: I thought it meant Lots 
of Love. OMG! I have to call everyone back.

Thanks to Bubbly for sharing.

Spoof of that Redrow Ad (Parental Advisory)

For everyone who was in the G+ session today, this is just one of many spoofs of the promotional advert from Redrow.




PS - feasible (not feesable - but that might be a pun.) 

What do babies and university students have in common?

This fits in nicely with our current theme in Kitely:-

  • They can sleep anywhere,
  • They suffer from random bouts of crying.
  • They will try to eat almost anything.
  • They enjoy throwing food around.
  • They enjoy watching cartoons.
  • They are easily distracted.
  • They are very messy.
  • Their brains are in a constant state of absorbing knowledge.
  • They have very irregular sleep patterns.
(Adapted from a post by Trillingconclusion - Tumblr)

Asking for a raise - From today's Kitely session

One day an employee sent a letter to his boss asking for a pay rise:-

Dear $ir,

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould under$tand the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport, $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman $mith.

The next day, he received this reply:

Dear NOrman,

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, you must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well, NOthing much has changed.  NOw the newspapers are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure whether we will go into aNOther recession or NOt.  After NOvember things may turn NOticeably bad. I have NOthing more to add.

NOw I'm sure you kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,

The Manager

Welcome to the modern world

  • Our Phones are Wireless
  • Our Cooking is Fireless
  • Our Cars are Keyless
  • Our Food is Tasteless
  • Tyres are Tubeless
  • Couples are Childless
  • Our Children are Lawless
  • Dresses are Sleeveless
  • Youth is Aimless
  • Politicians are Shameless
  • Relationships are Meaningless
  • Printing is Inkless
  • Films Intermissionless
  • Attitude Careless
  • Babies are Fatherless
  • Feelings are Heartless
  • Noise is Ceaseless
  • And Education Valueless

It looks as if Everything is becoming LESS but still our hopes are Endless and you are Priceless.

In fact I am – Speechless, so let's carry on Regardless.

Big Ben (Some Swearing)

Not everyone loves Big Ben.


The worst rap ever?

Too embarrassing!

Now ladies, hey ladies!  What were they thinking?

The Tenses - Big Bang Style


Here's the transcript:-



Howard: Hold on. Pause. Something doesn’t make sense. Look, in 2015, Biff steals the sports almanac and takes the time machine back to 1955, to give it to his younger self. But, as soon as he does that, he changes the future, so the 2015 he returns to would be a different 2015, not the 2015 that Marty and Doc were in.

Leoanard: This is Hot Tub Time Machine all over again. If future Biff goes back to 2015 right after he gives young Biff the almanac, he could get back to the 2015 with Marty and Doc in it. Because it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that 1955 Biff placed his first bet.

Sheldon: Wait. Whoa, whoa. Is placed right?

Leonard: What do you mean?

Sheldon: Is placed the right tense for something that would have happened in the future of a past that was affected by something from the future?

Leonard: Had will have placed?

Sheldon: That’s my boy.

Leonard: Okay, so, it wasn’t until his 21st birthday that Biff had will have placed his first bet and made his millions. That’s when he altered the timeline.

Sheldon: Yeah, but he had will haven’t placed it!

Howard: What?

Sheldon: Unlike Hot Tub Time Machine, this couldn’t be more simple. When Biff gets the almanac in 1955, the alternate future he creates isn’t the one in which Marty and Doc Brown ever use the time machine to travel to 2015. Therefore, in the new timeline, Marty and Doc never brought the time machine…

Leonard: Wait. Is brought right?

Sheldon: Marty and Doc never had have had brought?

Leonard: I don’t know. You did it to me.

Sheldon: Oh, I’m going with it. Marty and Doc never had have had brought the time machine to 2015. That means 2015 Biff could also not had have had brought the almanac to 1955 Biff. Therefore, the timeline in which 1955 Biff gets the almanac is also the timeline in which 1955 Biff never gets the almanac. And not just never gets. Never have, never hasn’t, never had have hasn’t.

Raj: He’s right. Also, what kind of name is Biff? Sounds like when you pop open a can of Pillsbury dough. Biff.

Howard: Oh, that stuff is so good wrapped around cocktail weenies.

Leonard: Guys.

Sheldon: Do you know that the word wiener comes from the German name of the Austrian capital Vienna, or Wien?

Raj: Do you know if you look at Austria on a map it actually looks like a wiener?

Leonard: Guys, what are we doing? We sent the girls away so we could focus.

Sheldon: I don’t think it worked.

50 Shades of Grey


  1. Achromatic grey
  2. Argent
  3. Ash grey
  4. Battleship grey
  5. Bluey-grey
  6. Cadet grey
  7. Cedar grey
  8. Cement grey
  9. Charcoal grey
  10. Cinereous 
  11. Classic grey
  12. Cool grey
  13. Dark grey
  14. Dark slate grey
  15. Davy's grey
  16. Dim grey
  17. Feather grey
  18. Gainsborough grey
  19. Georgian grey
  20. Glaucous
  21. Graphite
  22. Grey
  23. Greyish
  24. Greyish white
  25. Gull grey
  26. Light grey
  27. Light slate grey
  28. Magnetic grey
  29. Medium grey
  30. Metallic grey
  31. Mineral grey
  32. Mouse grey
  33. Off grey
  34. Paris grey
  35. Pastel grey
  36. Payne's grey
  37. Pearl grey
  38. Pewter
  39. Platinum grey
  40. Puce
  41. Puritan grey
  42. Putty grey
  43. Rocket grey
  44. Sea grey
  45. Silver
  46. Slate grey
  47. Smokey grey
  48. Spanish grey
  49. Storm grey
  50. Taupe


Groundhog day

You will need to have a Facebook account, and to be logged in to see this:-



Q & A jokes - Cheese

Q: When should you go on a cheese diet? 
A: If you need to cheddar a few pounds 

Q: What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? 
A: All that was left was de brie.

Q: What do you call cheese that is sad? 
A: Blue cheese. 

Q: What do you call your cheese when someone is trying to steal it? 
A: Nacho Cheese! 

Q: What music genre appeals to soft cheeses? 
A: R'n'Brie 

Q: What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? 
A: Limburger.

Q: What do you get when you cross and smurf and a cow? 
A: Blue cheese! 

Q: What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? 
A: Philadelphia. 

Q: What hotel do mice stay in ? 
A: The Stilton 

Q: What do female cheeses like to do? 
A: Go on a shopping brie. 

Q: What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? 
A: Moatzeralla.

Q: What cheese should you use to hide a horse? 
A: Mascarpone. 

Q: What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? 
A: Caerphilly.

 Q: What cheese do beavers like?
A: Edam.

Q: What do you call an oriental cheese? 
A: Parm-asian.

Q: Who is the richest cheese in the world? 
A: Paris Stilton. 

Q: Why does cheese look sane? 
A: Because everything else on the plate is crackers.

The advantages of being over 50


  1. Kidnappers are no longer interested in you.
  2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first. 
  3. No one expects you to run into a burning building. 
  4. People call at 9pm and ask "Did I wake you?"
  5. Things you buy now won't wear out. 
  6. You can eat dinner at 4pm. 
  7. You can live without sex (but not without glasses). 
  8. You have a party and the neighbours won't even realise. 
  9. You stop trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room. 
  10.  Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 
  11. You know all the words to the music played in elevators.
  12. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the weather forecast.
  13. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either. 

I do not speak too quickly!

Here's the proof, there is a bit of swearing in here, but you probably won't catch it:-

New Year's Resolutions

In celebration of Ditch New Year's Resolution Day.

New Years Resolutions You Have No Chance Of  Keeping


  1. When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL"
  2. I will start using Facebook for something other than Farmville.
  3. I will try to figure out why I "really" need 5 Facebook accounts. 
  4. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own. 
  5. I will lose 20 pounds by going to the gym!
  6. I will spend less than five hours a day on the Internet. 
  7. I will read the manual.
  8. I will spend less than £1000 on coffee at Cafe Nero this year. 
  9. I will stop repeating myself again, and again, and again. 
  10.  I will think of a password other than "password" 
New Years Resolutions You Can Actually Keep
  1. I will read less.
  2. I will gain weight. 
  3. I will start buying lottery tickets at a luckier shop.
  4. I will stop wasting my time exercising. 
  5. I will watch more TV. 
  6. I will procrastinate more. 
  7. To save the planet, I will do less laundry. 
  8. I will drink more. 
  9. I will spend more time at work. 
  10. I will eat out more. 

Do you have the time? (Some swearing)



Thanks to Ingemar Eriksson for sharing.

Does the time bother you?

I get bothered by the time. Not so much the time itself, the people - bother me; for the time.

People come up to me on the street: I'm sure you've had this happen to you. People come up to you and say, "What time is it?" Or they might say,  "What time is it?"  I shouldn't get into these ballads.  You've had people come up to you and say, "What time is it?"  "What time is it?"  As if, you personally were responsible for keeping time.

You know, I feel, I feel honoured, first of all that they thought I was the man in charge. But, I do have to explain; "You don't see official time keeper on here, do you?  I don't have the time, of course not."

"Do you have the time?" That's another way they say it. "Do you have the time?"

Let's see, er no. I don't believe I do. I certainly didn't have it this morning. Did you leave it somewhere?

"Well, do you have the time?"

No, I don't have the time. I use a little of it, like everyone, but I don't have it. I think, I think the navy has it. In Washington - they keep it in an observatory. That's right. Sure, they let out a little of it each day. Not too much - they wouldn't want to give us too much; just enough - time.

Sometimes they'll say, "Do you know what time it is?"

And I say, "Yes."

I hate to disappoint them, but there is no time.  There is no time!  I don't mean there's no time, I mean there's no time.

When the hell is it?  We made that whole thing up. There's no time. We made it up!  It's a man-made invention, time.  There are no numbers up in the sky. I've looked - they're not there.  We made this stuff up.  When is it? When the hell is it?

"When are we?" I ask. "When are we?"  Sometimes I think we know where we are, but we don't really know when we are.

When the hell is it?

All the time-zones are different.  Every calendar you run across is different. They'll all give you a different answer.  These are calendars.  These are made to keep track of time.  Everybody's got a different one.  The Chinese are way up there, in the 5 or 6,000.  Hebrew's calendar's away in the 5 or 6,000.  We are on about 1977, shit.  This ain't a couple of weeks these people are off, this is thousands of goddamned years - How did they do that?

We don't know when the hell it is.  It could be the middle of last month for all we know. I mean time is so ... We've got it down so perfect that, every 4 years, we have to stick in an extra day, just to make sure it still works. And we call it February 29th.  Bullshit!  It's March 1st and I know it.  It just feels like March 1st.

You can't keep track of the time. What's the sense?

I'll give you an example: There's a moment coming, not here yet.  It's still on the way, it's in the future, it hasn't arrived - here it comes - here it is!  Oh shit, it's gone.

There's no now. There's no now! Everything is the near future, or the recent past, but there's no present.

Welcome to the present - tschwep - gone again!

It's just so imprecise.  We don't even care to use the minutes, and seconds and hours that we've been given.  Everybody's very vague about the time.

They say, "What time you got?"

I got just after.

Just after? Jeez, I must be slow, I had going on.

And where did that imprecission begin?  Why is it we're not so sure.  I know one of the clues; what happened to me was, when they started telling me about moments.  When I was a kid, they were trying to teach me how to tell time, and of course you can't tell time, time tells you, but they were trying.  They were trying to show me, "Now the big hand .." I said, "I don't have a big hand."

"Never mind.  Look at the clock."

And the clock is so wonderful, there's so much emotion attached to a clock face. I hate digital clocks!  Digital clocks robbed me of all the emotional experience of the spatial relationships on that face of the clock.  Isn't it true?  I mean, don't you always feel that this half hour, when it comes down from 12, down to 6, goes by a lot quicker than this half hour, when it has to come up, fighting gravity, all the way.  I know, it does go a lot quicker.

I tell you.  I tell you this, if I only have a half hour to live, I want it to be this one, man.  It's gonna last just a little bit longer, than that one there.

It's vague.  That's all I'm saying, it's very vague how we treat time.  We have all these wonderful expressions.  We say, now - now is an interesting one.

When?

Now. You want that now?

Yes.

Well, would you like to try again?

Or sometimes, just now.

Just now, did you hear that?

What?

Just now.

You mean ... must mean, just then. Couldn't [Didn't] you?

Yes, just then, but there it goes again!

When? Now.

No, not now. No.

Pardon me.  Do you have the time?

When do you mean?  Now, or when you asked me?  This shit is moving Ruth.

We get a lot of these vague terms:-

Right away - Immediately - At once - Lickety split - Just like that, nothing flat - Drop of a hat - No time at all - As quick as you can say Jack Robinson.

I'm sure you've done that to people.  I'll be back before you can say, Jack Robinson.

Jack Robinson. You're not back.

How about, a jiffy?  A jiffy, or a flash. Which is quicker; a jiffy, or a flash?

I think there are two flashes in a jiffy, myself. But God knows how many jiffies there are in two shakes of a lamb's tail. And why did they use,  two shakes of a lamb's tail? What's wrong with the basic unit of measurement - One shake of a lamb's tail?  We can do our own arithmetic, thank you.

Belched a little there.  Tried to swallow that.

Then we have words like, soon.  Soon - that's a very emotional word. A lot of potential for drama.  That word - soon. Soon.  Soon.

Is your mother coming home. Aha. When?

Soon.

Real soon.

As soon as she can.

Sooner than you think.

That's kind of a spooky one.  Sooner than I think?  That's a little bit like, before you know it.

I'll be back before you know it.

Kapow. He did it! Holy Christ, look at that!

Then we go on with these terms that we use, these vague terms of time:-

One of these days - Before long - Any time now

Well that's true.  Everything's gonna happen any time now.

Any day now.  That's kind of a trying one, any day now.

Hey, I'll be giving you that 5 bucks I owe you, Bill.

Yeah - any day now.

Sooner or later - Now and then - Once in a while - From time to time - In a little while

In a little while.  Well that'll just be a little while. That's a wonderful ... and I just love that, it sounds so benign.  Just a little while.  Couldn't hurt you, could it?  You can wait a little while.  It'll only be a little while longer.  Just a little while.

That's so different from, a short time.

Short time. Sounds almost terminal, doesn't it?

You only have a short time.  Whereas you have, a little while.

Boy, I'd rather have a little while, than a short time.

Then we have long ways we measure time.  We have vaste distances to measure.  People will say things like kingdom come.

I'm going to be standing here till kingdom come.

Shit, I don't have that on my watch.

Doomsday you say? Doomsday.

Till the cows come home.  Well that's an easy one to understand, that's around about dusk, isn't it?  If you leave them out overnight, they burst.

Here's a long period of time - forever.

Some people will tell you, "Goddamn, I've been standing on this line, forever!"

Look at this Dave, this man has been standing on line, forever! He looks fairly fresh to me.

Almost like an eternity too, they'll tell you. It's almost like an eternity, as if they had experience with eternity.

A poor excuse

HMRC (Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs) has issued a list of its 'top ten' excuses for not filing a tax return.

  1. My pet dog ate my tax return…and all the reminders.
  2. I was up a mountain in Wales, and couldn’t find a postbox or get an internet signal.
  3. I fell in with the wrong crowd.
  4. I’ve been travelling the world, trying to escape from a foreign intelligence agency.
  5. Barack Obama is in charge of my finances.
  6. I’ve been busy looking after a flock of escaped parrots and some fox cubs.
  7. A work colleague borrowed my tax return, to photocopy it, and didn’t give it back.
  8. I live in a camper van in a supermarket car park.
  9. My girlfriend’s pregnant.
  10. I was in Australia.

Je suis Charlie / Je suis Baga

I'm afraid this isn't fun.  

On 7 January 2015, at about 11:30 CET (10:30 UTC), two masked gunmen forced their way into the offices of the French satirical weekly newspaper Charlie Hebdo in Paris. They murdered 12 people.

This was the response from cartoonists around the world:-



Please be aware that between 3rd January and 7th January 2015, a series of mass murders and attacks, believed to have been committed by the militia group Boko Haram, took place in the state of Borno, Nigeria.  Centering on Baga, this is the second time such an atrocious event has taken place and fatalities have been reported to be anything from 200 to over 2,000.

The funniest New Year's Resolution for 2015

I think this tweet from George RR Martin, must be the funniest New Year's Resolution this year:-


I just wish it had been "Write more books".