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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

A(nother) letter to America

For Monday's reading session.

Allegedly penned by John Cleese, but research shows that it is a reworking of an old joke. That said, it's still funny:-

To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Theresa May, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there’s a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

  1. Look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check “aluminium” in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’. Likewise you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.” Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed.” There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows. 
  2. There is no such thing as “US English.” We’ll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’. 
  3.  You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as ‘Taggart’ will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire. 
  4. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. 
  5. You should stop playing American “football.” There’s only one kind of football. What you call American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays “American” football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every two seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies) You should stop playing baseball. It’s not reasonable to host event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs. 
  6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler. 
  7.  July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 11th will be a new national holiday. It will be called “Indecisive Day.” 
  8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. 
  9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t French, they’re Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. 
  10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer.” Substances once known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion. 
  11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or “Gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it). 
  12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you’re not adult enough to be independent. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. 
  13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy. 
  14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776). 

Thank you for your co-operation.

Why didn't the Remain Campaign lead with this?

>

Brexit Blues

With the markets in turmoil, and currency bouncing around like a rubber biscuit, the Indy came up with an explanation of how Remain voters felt on Friday morning. I've edited it to be SFW and FF.

  1. SHOCK - Woah! No way! I'm like totally shocked!
  2.  DENIAL - It's not legally binding anyway, right?
  3.  ANGER - Pensioners! Uneducated idiots! Northern racists! Farage!!!
  4.  BARGAINING - Sees petition for second referendum on Facebook... signs it. (Should sign the one on the gov uk website.)
  5. DEPRESSION - I'm really stuck on this little island now.
  6. TESTING - Googles how to become an Irish citizen.
  7. ACCEPTANCE - Ah well, at least it's Friday, time to get on the lash.

Recommended TV Series - Butterflies

An oldie but goldie:

Artificial Intelligence - Some swearing

The Last Leg team discuss a question posed by their audience: Is it okay that it only took 24 hours for the internet to turn Microsoft's new twitter AI "teen girl" into a Hitler loving sex pest?

Tough Interview Questions

Job review company Glassdoor have compiled a list of the toughest interview questions by country. Here are the toughest from the UK for 2016.

1. “Which magic power would you like to have?” – Topshop, temp sales assistant

2. “If you were a fruit, what kind would you be and why?” – Topdeck Travel, trip leader job candidate

3. “If you could have dinner with three actors that are no longer living, who would you pick?” – Blackberry, commercial director job candidate

4. “How many hours would it take to clean every single window in London?” – IBM, IT Role job candidate

5. “How do you get an elephant in a fridge?” – Gemalto, software engineer job candidate.

6. “If the time is quarter past 3, what is the angle measurement on the clock?” – Standard Bank Group, product control lead job candidate.

7. “If you had three minutes alone in a lift with the CEO, what would you say?” – Network Rail, management accountant job candidate

8. “How many people born in 2013 were named Gary?” – BT, senior proposition manager job candidate

9. “What will you be famous for?” – EY, director job candidate

10. “How many nappies are purchased per year in the UK?” – AVIVA, graduate programme job candidate

Here are some of the toughest questions from other countries.

From the US: “Would you rather fight one horse-sized duck, or 100 duck-sized horses?” – Whole Foods Market, meat cutter job candidate

From France: “How would explain the job of consultant to a 4 – 6 year old child?” – Capgemini Consulting, junior consultant role.

From Canada: “Which Game of Thrones character do you like most?” – Bench, accounting associate role.

I think my toughest interview question ever was, "Do you have a sense of humour?"
I answered "No". I didn't get the job, which just goes to prove the guy had no sense of humour at all!

!Note - We will definitely do a role play based on these.

Source

Mayday Mayday

I am sure we already shared this one, but I can't find it, so here it is again for the Ginger Elvis:-




Transcript:-

(Speaking German)
From 0:12:-
Voice on Radio:  Mayday mayday.  Hello can you hear us?  Can you hear us? Can you... over...  We are sinking! We are sinking!

Coastguard:  Hello. This is the German Coastguard.

Voice on Radio:  We're sinking! We're sinking!

Coastguard: What are you thinking about? 

Look Like?

Complete the following task:-

You couldn't make it up

After the wife of Johnny Depp, Amber Heard, brought their pet pooches, Pistol and Boo, into Australia illegaly, they recorded an apology to Australia together (it was that or she could have gone to prison for 10 years). The apology itself was surreal, and has caused some hilarity on the net, but this video response is one of my personal favourites:-



I'm surprised the authorities didn't search their private jet in the first place. After all he is a well known pirate.

Polite Rap

In a recent GTT prize session, I had to remind a student that a bitch is really a female dog.  My dog Laika is a bitch. There is nothing wrong with the word, as long as it's used in the right context.


The genius that is Karl Pilkington - Part 3


  1. On vampires: “If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, how come his centre parting is always so perfect?”
  2. On rising sea levels: “It’s nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it’s because there’s too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.”
  3. On space exploration (again): “What was the rush to get to space? We landed a man on the moon before someone thought about putting wheels on a suitcase.”
  4. On getting something for nothing: “I like walking past the zoo, ‘cause you can see the top of the giraffes for free.”
  5. On cats: “Ginger cats are always fatter. It’s as if they’re unhappy about being ginger and turn to food.”
  6. On houses: "People who live in a glass house still have to answer the door."
  7. On extinction: "We'll all die out eventually. Humans will be gone. And all I'm saying is, when people worry about polar bears disappearing or whatever, it's like, 'Well that's
    life, things will come and go, we'll find new species."
  8. On social media: "Everyone is living for everyone else now. They're doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don't get all that social media stuff, I've always got other things I want to do - odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that."
  9. On anatomy: "The other day I was thinking - because I get a lot of headaches - I was wondering whether the head should be where it is. Because, at the end of the day, it's probably the heaviest part of your body, right? And yet it's at the top as opposed to, I don't, dangling at the bottom somewhere."
  10. On life, the universe and everything: "They say it all started with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?"

The Genius that is Karl Pilkington - Part 2



  1. On his grievances: “What annoys me is how much land is being taken up by dead people.”
  2. On travelling: “You can be into travelling, but the world’s only so big, innit? So eventually you’re gonna run out of places to visit. Whereas biscuits… there’s loads of them.”
  3. On prayer: “That’s what praying is, really. A posh moan.”
  4. On stick insects: “Imagine being a stick insect, walking about, forvever going ‘Is that whatshisname?’ And you’d have to walk all the way up to the twig. ‘Oh no, it’s just a bloody twig again.’”
  5. On happiness: “Happiness is like a cake. Have too much of it – you get sick of it.”
  6. On convenience: “When anything’s done quickly it tends to be sort of shit. What’s done quickly that’s really good? Not much. Pot Noodle.”
  7. On jellyfish: “It’s 97% water or something. So, how much are they doing? Give ‘em another 3% and make ‘em water. That’s more useful.”
  8. On the pyramids: “It’s like a game of Jenga that’s got out of hand.”
  9. On the elderly: “You never see an old man having a Twix.”
  10. On dreams: “Your dreams should never be better than your real life. Unless you’re a sloth. Because then they’re asleep a lot, aren’t they?”

The Genius that is Karl Pilkington - Part 1

  1. On physics: “The earth is gonna fall down one day. We have too many heavy things on it.”
  2. On space exploration: “Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain’t been back. It can’t have been that good.”
  3. On the film Gremlins: “What were those things in the film Gremlins called?”
  4. On looks: “In a way, you’re better off being the ugly one, and you get to look at nice things. You’re looking at the nicer-looking people. Doesn’t matter about being ugly. How often do you look at yourself anyway?”
  5. On anatomy: “I reckon we’d get by okay if we had lobster hands.”
  6. On the Great Wall of China: “It’s not a Great Wall. It’s an alright wall. It’s the Alright Wall of China.”
  7. On the great questions: “Does the brain control you, or are you controlling the brain?”
  8. On dolphins: “Dolphins can’t get out of the water and they can’t stay under it. And people say they’re bright.”
  9. On expectations: “I expect the worst, so when it happens I’m prepared. Isn’t that the right way to live? Why else do we all wear seat belts?
  10.  On skiing: “Grow up. Stop messing about on hills.

Lies Parents Tell Their Children



Here are my favourite bits of a Reddit thread about the lies parents tell their children (along with a couple of my own):-

If you don't learn how to read, your voice disappears.

If you pull a face, the wind might change and you'll be stuck with it.



You can't eat that, you are allergic to sugar.

If you press a certain button on the remote control the TV will explode. 

When the ice cream van rings its bell, it's to warn everyone they are out of ice cream.

Eat your crusts and your hair will be lovely and curly.

The Internet is switched off at 6pm.

The plane will turn around if you misbehave,

If you don't sit still the barber will cut your ear off.

The sweets on the checkout aisle aren't for sale.

Rice cakes are real cookies.

Eat your carrots to be able to see in the dark.

The TV only works when it rains.

There are no replacement batteries for this toy.

Eat spinach to be strong like Popeye.

When you lie, a red spot appears on your forehead.

Pulp Fiction is a documentary about oranges.

If you burp, fart and sneeze at the same time, you will turn inside out. (This one is for +Xeb eke ).
 
Santa has asked for Doritos and beer instead of milk and cookies.

If you keep eating vegetables they will start to taste like sweets.

The door is locked because mummy is helping daddy hang a picture behind the door and we don't want you to open it and hit us.

Source

The Cucumber

Imagine if you lost a cucumber.


There was a cucumber in the lost property office.
It was found near the ticket barrier at the station.
No one came in to say it was theirs. The cucumber
sat on the shelf. It started to go soft. But still no
one came. Then it started to flatten out and go
mushy. The skin stayed more or less the same.
A bit wrinkly but still like a cucumber skin.
Inside, the cucumber became goo. It was smelling quite
strong. A fruity earthy smell. After a bit more time,
it started going dark grey. And fruit flies flew around it.

Then, about six months after the cucumber was
put in the lost property office, a man came in and
said, ‘Have you got a cucumber?’
The lost property office assistant said, ‘I’ll have
a look in the book.’
He got the book out and it said, ‘Cucumber.’
‘Can I ask you where you think you lost the
cucumber?’ he said.
The man said, ‘No, I’m sorry. I got on the train,
got off the train and went home. When I got home
I looked in my bag and the cucumber was gone.’

‘Can you tell me which station you got on at, and
which station you got off at?’

‘Well, my problem is that I got on and off at quite
a few stations that day,’ said the man, ‘and I can’t
remember them all. You see I deliver stuff for
people.’

‘Do you deliver cucumbers?’ said the assistant.
‘No,’ said the man, ‘the cucumber was for me
to eat.’

‘Can you describe the cucumber?’ said the
assistant.

‘It was green,’ said the man.

‘If I said to you,’ said the assistant, ‘that this
cucumber was found at a ticket barrier, do you
think you could tell me which ticket barrier that
might have been? You see we have to make sure
that people don’t come in here and claim things
that don’t belong to them. You might come in
here and say that you lost a gold watch. I can’t

hand you a gold watch, just because you say

you lost one.’

‘I haven’t lost a gold watch,’ said the man.

‘I didn’t say that you did,’ said the assistant.

‘I lost a cucumber,’ said the man.

‘So you say,’ said the assistant.

‘Can I ask you if anyone has come in here and
handed in a cucumber?’ said the man.

‘I can tell you that someone has indeed come in
here and handed in a cucumber.’

‘That’ll be mine,’ said the man.

‘No,’ said the assistant, ‘what you don’t know is
whether many people have come in here
and handed in cucumbers, in which case we
would have the problem of finding out which of
the many cucumbers belongs to you.’

‘Have many people come in here and handed
in cucumbers?’ said the man.

‘No,’ said the assistant.

‘Well, that one lone cucumber must be mine,’
said the man.

‘Not necessarily,’ said the assistant, ‘someone
else could have lost a cucumber and it’s their
cucumber that was handed in.’

‘Oh, yes,’ said the man, ‘I didn’t think of that.’

‘Well,’ said the assistant, ‘if you can’t think
where you might have left the cucumber, I’m
afraid I can’t give you the cucumber that we’ve
got here in the lost property office.’

‘OK, fair enough,’ said the man, ‘thanks very
much for your help.’

Source: http://michaelrosenblog.blogspot.de/2014/10/new-poem-cucumber.html

Happy New Year



Working out, losing weight 
Maybe using tanning spray
Becoming more attractive in general 

Reading more, watching less
Learning all the rules for chess
Becoming somewhat smarter in general
Eating fish, not fingernails
Volunteer to save the whales
Becoming a better guy in general
Saving more, spending less
Yes I will wax my chest
Dating more girls in general

But not this year. No this year is different!
As different as a gazelle. Yes, a gazelle from a deer.
After all these failed resolutions.
My future is clear, the future is near!

Chorus: 
Just forget those resolutions you 
Know that you are never gonna do
And adopt a more realistical [realistic] view 
By committing to things that come easily to you
Like eat at least one value meal a week
Or put the correct shoes on the correct feet
Just "Raise the bar to walk effortlessly underneath!"

Chorus2:
Just face the fact you've always thought
Those resolutions don't mean squat
Settle in to a comfortable spot
Embrace all the things you know you are not.
Hit the snooze, roll over, then repeat
Make large purchases, then lose the receipts.
Just "Raise the bar to walk effortlessly underneath!"