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Interesting words and languages

The first word spoken on the moon was "okay". (Or not - see comments). Seoul, the South Korean capital, just means "the ca...

The Genius that is Karl Pilkington - Part 2



  1. On his grievances: “What annoys me is how much land is being taken up by dead people.”
  2. On travelling: “You can be into travelling, but the world’s only so big, innit? So eventually you’re gonna run out of places to visit. Whereas biscuits… there’s loads of them.”
  3. On prayer: “That’s what praying is, really. A posh moan.”
  4. On stick insects: “Imagine being a stick insect, walking about, forvever going ‘Is that whatshisname?’ And you’d have to walk all the way up to the twig. ‘Oh no, it’s just a bloody twig again.’”
  5. On happiness: “Happiness is like a cake. Have too much of it – you get sick of it.”
  6. On convenience: “When anything’s done quickly it tends to be sort of shit. What’s done quickly that’s really good? Not much. Pot Noodle.”
  7. On jellyfish: “It’s 97% water or something. So, how much are they doing? Give ‘em another 3% and make ‘em water. That’s more useful.”
  8. On the pyramids: “It’s like a game of Jenga that’s got out of hand.”
  9. On the elderly: “You never see an old man having a Twix.”
  10. On dreams: “Your dreams should never be better than your real life. Unless you’re a sloth. Because then they’re asleep a lot, aren’t they?”

The Genius that is Karl Pilkington - Part 1

  1. On physics: “The earth is gonna fall down one day. We have too many heavy things on it.”
  2. On space exploration: “Neil Armstrong, that spaceman, he went to the moon but he ain’t been back. It can’t have been that good.”
  3. On the film Gremlins: “What were those things in the film Gremlins called?”
  4. On looks: “In a way, you’re better off being the ugly one, and you get to look at nice things. You’re looking at the nicer-looking people. Doesn’t matter about being ugly. How often do you look at yourself anyway?”
  5. On anatomy: “I reckon we’d get by okay if we had lobster hands.”
  6. On the Great Wall of China: “It’s not a Great Wall. It’s an alright wall. It’s the Alright Wall of China.”
  7. On the great questions: “Does the brain control you, or are you controlling the brain?”
  8. On dolphins: “Dolphins can’t get out of the water and they can’t stay under it. And people say they’re bright.”
  9. On expectations: “I expect the worst, so when it happens I’m prepared. Isn’t that the right way to live? Why else do we all wear seat belts?
  10.  On skiing: “Grow up. Stop messing about on hills.

Lies Parents Tell Their Children



Here are my favourite bits of a Reddit thread about the lies parents tell their children (along with a couple of my own):-

If you don't learn how to read, your voice disappears.

If you pull a face, the wind might change and you'll be stuck with it.



You can't eat that, you are allergic to sugar.

If you press a certain button on the remote control the TV will explode. 

When the ice cream van rings its bell, it's to warn everyone they are out of ice cream.

Eat your crusts and your hair will be lovely and curly.

The Internet is switched off at 6pm.

The plane will turn around if you misbehave,

If you don't sit still the barber will cut your ear off.

The sweets on the checkout aisle aren't for sale.

Rice cakes are real cookies.

Eat your carrots to be able to see in the dark.

The TV only works when it rains.

There are no replacement batteries for this toy.

Eat spinach to be strong like Popeye.

When you lie, a red spot appears on your forehead.

Pulp Fiction is a documentary about oranges.

If you burp, fart and sneeze at the same time, you will turn inside out. (This one is for +Xeb eke ).
 
Santa has asked for Doritos and beer instead of milk and cookies.

If you keep eating vegetables they will start to taste like sweets.

The door is locked because mummy is helping daddy hang a picture behind the door and we don't want you to open it and hit us.

Source

The Cucumber

Imagine if you lost a cucumber.


There was a cucumber in the lost property office.
It was found near the ticket barrier at the station.
No one came in to say it was theirs. The cucumber
sat on the shelf. It started to go soft. But still no
one came. Then it started to flatten out and go
mushy. The skin stayed more or less the same.
A bit wrinkly but still like a cucumber skin.
Inside, the cucumber became goo. It was smelling quite
strong. A fruity earthy smell. After a bit more time,
it started going dark grey. And fruit flies flew around it.

Then, about six months after the cucumber was
put in the lost property office, a man came in and
said, ‘Have you got a cucumber?’
The lost property office assistant said, ‘I’ll have
a look in the book.’
He got the book out and it said, ‘Cucumber.’
‘Can I ask you where you think you lost the
cucumber?’ he said.
The man said, ‘No, I’m sorry. I got on the train,
got off the train and went home. When I got home
I looked in my bag and the cucumber was gone.’

‘Can you tell me which station you got on at, and
which station you got off at?’

‘Well, my problem is that I got on and off at quite
a few stations that day,’ said the man, ‘and I can’t
remember them all. You see I deliver stuff for
people.’

‘Do you deliver cucumbers?’ said the assistant.
‘No,’ said the man, ‘the cucumber was for me
to eat.’

‘Can you describe the cucumber?’ said the
assistant.

‘It was green,’ said the man.

‘If I said to you,’ said the assistant, ‘that this
cucumber was found at a ticket barrier, do you
think you could tell me which ticket barrier that
might have been? You see we have to make sure
that people don’t come in here and claim things
that don’t belong to them. You might come in
here and say that you lost a gold watch. I can’t

hand you a gold watch, just because you say

you lost one.’

‘I haven’t lost a gold watch,’ said the man.

‘I didn’t say that you did,’ said the assistant.

‘I lost a cucumber,’ said the man.

‘So you say,’ said the assistant.

‘Can I ask you if anyone has come in here and
handed in a cucumber?’ said the man.

‘I can tell you that someone has indeed come in
here and handed in a cucumber.’

‘That’ll be mine,’ said the man.

‘No,’ said the assistant, ‘what you don’t know is
whether many people have come in here
and handed in cucumbers, in which case we
would have the problem of finding out which of
the many cucumbers belongs to you.’

‘Have many people come in here and handed
in cucumbers?’ said the man.

‘No,’ said the assistant.

‘Well, that one lone cucumber must be mine,’
said the man.

‘Not necessarily,’ said the assistant, ‘someone
else could have lost a cucumber and it’s their
cucumber that was handed in.’

‘Oh, yes,’ said the man, ‘I didn’t think of that.’

‘Well,’ said the assistant, ‘if you can’t think
where you might have left the cucumber, I’m
afraid I can’t give you the cucumber that we’ve
got here in the lost property office.’

‘OK, fair enough,’ said the man, ‘thanks very
much for your help.’

Source: http://michaelrosenblog.blogspot.de/2014/10/new-poem-cucumber.html

Happy New Year



Working out, losing weight 
Maybe using tanning spray
Becoming more attractive in general 

Reading more, watching less
Learning all the rules for chess
Becoming somewhat smarter in general
Eating fish, not fingernails
Volunteer to save the whales
Becoming a better guy in general
Saving more, spending less
Yes I will wax my chest
Dating more girls in general

But not this year. No this year is different!
As different as a gazelle. Yes, a gazelle from a deer.
After all these failed resolutions.
My future is clear, the future is near!

Chorus: 
Just forget those resolutions you 
Know that you are never gonna do
And adopt a more realistical [realistic] view 
By committing to things that come easily to you
Like eat at least one value meal a week
Or put the correct shoes on the correct feet
Just "Raise the bar to walk effortlessly underneath!"

Chorus2:
Just face the fact you've always thought
Those resolutions don't mean squat
Settle in to a comfortable spot
Embrace all the things you know you are not.
Hit the snooze, roll over, then repeat
Make large purchases, then lose the receipts.
Just "Raise the bar to walk effortlessly underneath!"