Have Fun With English

50 ways to fail an exam

2008-08-07T12:04:00.000+02:00

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "Oh gee! I'd better get cracking!" Scribble furiously. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"

3. If it is a math or science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer or essay exam, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read the questions aloud and debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out sarcastically, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, and sit down. About five minutes into the exam, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture this semester! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a video game. Play it with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example, write "I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs". Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor and say "They've found me. I have to leave the country," and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a bad case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Complete the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For maths or science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she or he is not looking. Look at the person nearest to you and say, "I can't believe you just did that!"

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam papers, eat them.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes in. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, swear loudly and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts. Tell the instructor that whether or not everyone's finished, you are all leaving after an hour to go for a drink.

26. At some point during the exam, start crying for your mummy.

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him or her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper."

28. Comment on how attractive the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "The phantom of the opera is here, inside your mind," until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? 'Neighbours' is on!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you. Enough said.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to 'Mastermind'. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to 'Dambusters'.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is maths or science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Work PI and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets from another class (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask him or her to work it out for you.

41. Take your Gameboy into the exam.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, and start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the Mexican wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, and telegrams sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. This includes desks, chairs, and anything you can reach. You might want to take a screwdriver in with you.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you and play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, claim "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the student handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor (name) Sucks."

Pizza anyone?

2008-08-02T16:26:00.000+02:00

Insurance Claims

2008-08-01T10:26:00.000+02:00

More accident claim forms from a major insurance company:-

1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.

2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.

3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

6. The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.

7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.

8. I was on my way to the doctor’s with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.

9. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

10. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.

11. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

12. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

13. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.

14. When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.

15. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.

16. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

17. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

18. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

The future?

2008-07-29T09:43:00.003+02:00

Space Station Suffers Helium Leak

2008-07-22T10:19:00.001+02:00

Little Red Riding Hood - Politically Correct Version

2008-07-21T10:19:00.001+02:00

There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.

Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.

One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and spring water to her grandmother's house.

"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"

Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.

"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"

Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.

"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"

Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.

"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own self hood?"

But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".

Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.

Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.

Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.

She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.

Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.

She replied, "I am taking my grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."

Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her grandmother's house.

But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."

The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"You forget that I am optically challenged."

"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."

"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."

"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"

The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor grandmother cowering in his belly.

"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.

"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"

The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.

At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.

"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.

"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.

"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."

"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!

This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.

"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."

"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.
"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"

"Sure," said the Wolf.

"Thanks."

"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any antacid?"

Non stop barking

2008-07-20T10:45:00.001+02:00

And in Rapid City, South Dakota, a West Highland Terrier, has been barking continuously for six straight years today.

Insurance Claim

2008-07-14T10:09:00.000+02:00

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me...I again lost my presence of mind...and let go of the rope!

My new girlfriend

2008-07-08T20:45:00.000+02:00

You know you're a mum when...

2008-07-07T00:01:00.000+02:00

Your feet stick to jam on the kitchen floor ... and you just don't care.
When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding (usually if you have two or three boys).
You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and then run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate it downstairs in the laundry basket.
Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child screaming for attention from you.
Ice lollies become a food staple.
Your favourite television show is a cartoon.
You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.
You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the cold caller and HE hangs up on YOU!
Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
You count the hundreds and thousands on each kid's fairy cake to make sure they're equal.
You hide in the bathroom to be alone. (This is bad)
You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.
You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still manage to gain 10 pounds.
Your day consists of hoovering, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons,folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, NOT you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog.

Thanks to Chewks.

EU Directive

2008-07-01T00:01:00.001+02:00

EU Directive No. 456179.

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency,all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.

Politics - Video

2008-06-28T09:08:00.001+02:00

Fast food in your face

2008-06-27T09:11:00.000+02:00

They don't write them like this anymore

2008-06-25T15:08:00.000+02:00

Unusual Australian Place Names

2008-06-21T12:11:00.001+02:00

A-Z of unusual Australian place names

From James

Amphitheatre (Vic)
A hamlet in Victoria's Pyrenees ranges, originating from the gold mining rush, located in a hollow between two hills which roughly resembles an amphitheatre. Pleasant picnic spot, unless you're a gladiator.

Boing Boing (NT)
Meaning "mosquitoes buzzing" in Aboriginal, Boing Boing narrowly takes the cake for the most unusual place name beginning with "B" — it narrowly beat Blighty in NSW, which probably reminded somebody of home.

Come by chance (NSW)
Immortalised in a Banjo Patterson poem, this settlement in north-western New South Wales got its name from pastoralists who happened upon a large vacant block, while en route somewhere else more promising.

Diapur (Vic)
Diapur, in Victoria's Wimmera region, just beats Dunedoo in New South Wales as Australia's oddest sounding place beginning with "D". Named after the area's black swans, Diapur is particularly popular with babies.

Ehrenbreitstein (SA)
Sadly, like many South Australian towns named by German migrants, this town no longer exists. Its name was changed to Mount Yerila by the 1917 Nomenclature Act as it was one of 69 place names considered to indicate enemy origin following World War I. Other lost names include Wusser's Nob and Pflaum, renamed Hundred of Geegeela possibly because it was much frequented by horses.

Foul Bay (SA)
Named by Matthew Flinders in 1802 because of its poor anchorage, this bay on the Yorke Peninsula is far nicer than its moniker suggests. Also nearby is the delightful sounding Tiddy Widdy Beach.

Gingin (WA)
This town north of Perth sounds good enough to drink. The Aboriginal meaning is "place of many streams".

Humpybong (Qld)
Lovely name originating from when the British abandoned the area in favour of settling Brisbane, leaving behind empty huts or "humpies". Humpybong means "dead shelters" in Aboriginal.

Innaloo (WA)
Perth suburb with a fruit market called Innaloo Fresh (we kid you not!) and a shopping plaza, presumably with plenty of indoor restrooms.

Jimcumbilly (NSW)
Tiny settlement and disused railway station located near Bombala, inland from the New South Wales south coast. Mystery surrounds the meaning of its Aboriginal name.

Provocative Yorkeys Knob (Qld)

Knuckey Lagoon (NT)
Near Darwin and actually a wildlife reserve, rather than a place popular with couples. Just beats Kurri Kurri in New South Wales, where good Indian cuisine is guaranteed.

Loos (SA)
This settlement's original German name, Buchsfelde, was considered offensive during World War I so they came up with this much better alternative.

Mount Buggery (Vic)
The evocative and typically Aussie name, Mount Buggery, cannot be bettered anywhere in Australia — although WA's Muchea (as in "there's nothing muchea"), a corruption of the Aboriginal word Muchela, is excellent too.

Nowhere Else (Tas)
Located near Devonport in north-western Tasmania, there really is "nowhere else", like Nowhere Else.

Ozenkadnook (Vic)
An almost unpronounceable place name in the West Wimmera region bordering South Australia and meaning "very fat kangaroo" in Aboriginal.

Poowong (Vic)
This Gippsland town with smelly connotations appropriately got its name from the Aboriginal word for "carrion" or "putrefaction".

Queanbeyan (NSW/ACT)
Close to Canberra and meaning "clear water", a place fit for pollies and insect royalty.

Rooty Hill (NSW)
Area in western Sydney named by Governor King in 1802. Disappointingly, the name refers to roots exposed in fields around the hill following floods.

Smiggin Holes (NSW)
Popular ski resort that got its Scottish name from pools formed in rocks by cattle.

Tom Ugly (NSW)
Tom Ugly Point, near Sylvania in Sydney's south, is named after an Aboriginal Australian who lived in a rock shelter in this area during the mid-19th century. His nickname was said to be ironic as he was a strong, handsome fellow.

Uki (NSW)
Pronounced "yook-eye", this River Tweed dairy town's name originates from the Aboriginal word for "fern with edible roots" and just beats Ubobo in Queensland.

Vite Vite (Vic)
Vite Vite, on the railway line close to Pura Pura and Nerrin Nerrin in South Western Victoria, may have got its name from the French word for "quick", as in "I hope the train arrives double quick".

Wonglepong (Qld)
Although New South Wales has Woolloomooloo (meaning young kangaroo), and Wards Mistake (named after bushranger Frederick Ward), Queensland's delightfully named Wonglepong, possibly meaning "forgotten sound" in Aboriginal, pips them all, and also tramples all over Victoria's Wurt Wurt Kurt as number one "W".

Xantippe (WA)
Australia's only place name beginning with "X" is found near Dalwallinu in the WA wheat belt, and got its name from workers on the rabbit-proof fence. On discovering that the granite ground they were working on was almost impenetrable, they called the place Xantippe, after the wife of Greek philosopher Socrates, reputedly a very hard woman!

Yorkeys Knob (Qld)
Located just north of Cairns, it got its name from a fisherman from Yorkshire, George Yorkey Lawson, who lived nearby in the late 19th century. Locals have since resisted attempts to rename it Yorkeys Beach, fond as they are of the original moniker, despite the reactions it sometimes provokes.

Zeehan (Tas)
Former silver and lead mining town in Tassie's south-west that gets its name from one of Abel Tasman's ships.

I will not pay

2008-06-17T11:10:00.000+02:00

A famous proverb

2008-06-14T12:10:00.002+02:00

He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool, shun him.

He who knows not and knows that he knows not is a child, teach him.

He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep, wake him.

And he who knows and knows that he knows is wise, follow him.

(I will add one extra line:-

He who knows, but keeps it to himself is a genius, ask him.)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

2008-06-07T15:34:00.007+02:00

Douglas Adams:

Forty-two.

Aristotle:

To actualize its potential.

Pat Buchanan:

That chicken crossed the road to steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

Buddha:

If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

George W Bush:

We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground regarding this chicken.

Noam Chomsky:

The chicken didn't exactly cross the road. As of 1994, something like 99.8% of all US chickens reaching maturity that year had spent 82% of their lives in confinement. The living conditions in most chicken coops break every international law ever written, and some, particularly the ones for chickens bound for slaughter, border on inhumane. My point is, they had no chance to cross the road (unless you count the ride to the supermarket). Even if one or two have crossed roads for whatever reason, most never get a chance. Of course, this is not what we are told. Instead, we see chickens happily dancing around on Sesame Street and Foster Farms commercials where chickens are not only crossing roads, but driving trucks (incidentally, Foster Farms is owned by the same people who own the Foster Freeze chain, a subsidiary of the dairy industry). Anyway, ... (Chomsky continues for 32 pages. For the full text of his answer, contact Odonian Press)

Howard Cosell:

It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.

Salvador Dali:

The Fish.

Darwin:

It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Jacques Derrida:

Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT, DEAD!

Rene Descartes:

It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.

Emily Dickinson:

Because it could not stop for death.

Albert Einstein:

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:

It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.

Epicurus:

For fun.

Johann von Goethe:

The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Stephen Jay Gould:

It is possible that there is a socio-biological explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with socio-biological stories despite the fact that we have little direct evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in socio-biological speculation.

Werner Heisenberg:

We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Ernest Hemingway:

To die. In the rain.

Hippocrates:

Because of an excess of black bile and a deficiency of choleric humour.

David Hume:

Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Carl Jung:

The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.

Martin Luther King Jr:

I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

James Tiberius Kirk:

To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Timothy Leary:

Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Karl Marx:

It was a historical inevitability.

Machiavelli:

So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chicken's dominion maintained.

Catherine MacKinnon:

Because, in this patriarchial state, for the last four centuries, men have applied their principles of justice in determining how chickens should be cared for, their language has demeaned the identity of the chicken, their technology and trucks have decided how and where chickens will be distributed, their science has become the basis for what chickens eat, their sense of humor has provided the framework for this joke, their art and film have given us our perception of chicken life, their lust for flesh has has made the chicken the most consumed animal in the US, and their legal system has left the chicken with no other recourse.

Jack Nicholson:

'Cause it (censored) wanted to. That's the (censored) reason.

Nietzsche:

Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.

Plato:

For the greater good.

Pyrrho the Skeptic:

What road?

Ronald Reagan:

I forget.

Jean-Paul Sartre:

In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.

B.F. Skinner:

Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.

The Sphinx:

You tell me.

Joseph Stalin:

I don't care. Just catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelette.

Dr Seuss:

Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But what's the reason? I've not been told.

Henry David Thoreau:

To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow out of life.

Thomas de Torquemada:

Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

Mark Twain:

The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Ludwig Wittgenstein:

The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into the objects "chicken" and "road", and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.

William Wordsworth:

To have something to recollect in tranquility.

Malcolm X:

It was coming home to roost.

Zeno of Elea:

To prove it could never reach the other side.

New time sheet codes

2008-06-01T14:28:00.001+02:00

To: All Personnel
From: Finance

It has recently come to our attention that many of you have been handing in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, for accounting purposes, we need to know exactly what you are doing during this time.

Attached below is a sheet specifying an extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities.

This list will allow you to specify what exactly you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately.

Thank you,
CFO

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code and Explanation:-

5316 - Attending a useless meeting

5317 - Obstructing communications at a meeting

5318 - Trying to sound knowledgeable while in a meeting

5319 - Waiting for a break

5320 - Waiting for lunch

5321 - Waiting for end of day

5322 - Vicious verbal attacks directed at a colleague

5323 - Vicious verbal attacks directed at a colleague while colleague not present

5393 - Covering for the incompetence of a friend

5400 - Trying to explain concept to a colleague who is not interested in learning

5401 - Trying to explain concept to a colleague who is stupid

5402 - Trying to explain concept to a colleague who hates you

5481 - Buying a snack

5482 - Eating a snack

5500 - Filling out this time sheet

5501 - Inventing new time sheet entries

5502 - Waiting for something to happen

5503 - Scratching

5504 - Sleeping

5510 - Feeling Bored

5511 - Feeling randy

5600 - Complaining about lousy job

5601 - Complaining about low pay

5602 - Complaining about long hours

5603 - Complaining about a colleague (See Codes #5322 & #5323)

5604 - Complaining about lousy boss

5605 - Complaining about personal problems

5640 - Miscellaneous unproductive complaining

5701 - Not actually present at job

5702 - Suffering from 8 hour flu

6102 - Ordering a take away

6103 - Waiting for food delivery to arrive

6104 - Taking it easy while digesting food

6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit

6201 Stealing Company Goods

6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods

6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls

6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods

6205 Hiding from Boss

6206 Gossip

6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)

6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself

6211 Updating Resume

6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter

6213 Out of Office on Interview

6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching

6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job

6223 Pretending You Like Coworker

6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks

6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing

6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl

6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)

6602 Complaining

6603 Writing a Book on Company Time

6611 Staring Into Space

6612 Staring At Computer Screen

6615 Transcendental Meditation

7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)

7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone

7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone

7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone

7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone

7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone

7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone

7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone

7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone

7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone

7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity

8000 Recreational Drug Use

8001 Non-recreational Drug Use

8002 Liquid Lunch

8100 Reading e-mail

Lost - The title sequence

2008-05-31T13:27:00.000+02:00

Fish - spelt phonetically

2008-05-21T22:17:00.000+02:00

The word ghoti phonetically spells: FISH

gh as in laugh (f)
o as in women (i)
ti as in nation (sh)

Fun with French

2008-05-14T12:38:00.000+02:00

This was sent to me by Tim Penner in Canada.

"Canada's Prime Minister in the late 50's and early 60's was John Diefenbaker, notorious in the French-speaking province of Quebec for his horrible French pronunciation, (he couldn't speak French, he just read it out loud.)

One day, he was expressing his appreciation for having been invited to attend a ceremony in Quebec. He mispronounced the word "appreciate" in French. In English, we say "appree-shee-ate" but in French they say "appréciez - pronounced appray-see-aye". Unfortunately he said "appray-shee-aye", which means "after having shit". So, what his French audience heard was, "After having shit, I'm pleased to be here."

A guide to investments

2008-05-07T16:02:00.000+02:00

BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.

BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.

BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.

BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.

COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.

MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.

SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Well, I'm a little short this month.").

STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.

YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.

Praise or sarcasm?

2008-05-06T15:13:00.000+02:00

Interesting Statistics

2008-05-01T12:16:00.002+02:00

Average life expectancy ( in seconds ) of an enemy soldier in a Chuck Norris film: 4

Number of men who have written letters proposing marriage to Vanna White: 3506

Age most people stop believing in Santa Claus: 8

Age most people stop believing in politicians: 7

Number of chemical elements in the universe: 104

In a glass of New Jersey tap water: 98

Number of days into baseball season before Chicago Cubs are written off as pennant contenders: 5

Average powder base ( in inches ) on Aspen ski slope: 17

On Tammy Bakker: 1/4

Salary of the average Pro Wrestler: $47,500 /yr.

If Pro Wrestling didn't exist: $4.25/hr.

Number of things that annoy Andy Rooney: 2,000,000

Number of people annoyed by Andy Rooney: 23,000,000

Average miles per gallon you can expect if a car maker's ad says " 30 mpg, city": 23

Number of people who aren't doctors, but play them on TV: 57

Who aren't doctor's but play them in hospitals: 5,840

Number of people in the history of air travel who have been able to get a $99 Maxsaver fare to coast: 2

Restrictions for that fare: 237

Percentage of the public that understand the new tax code: 11%

Percentage of accountants who understand it: 9%

Percentage of IRS employees who understand it: 6%

Number of people who work for the government: about half

Number of Americans who believe any of the statistics on this page are accurate: 2,478,644

Who believe TV Evangelists are trustworthy: 2,478,644