How to break bad news

A new twist on an old joke:-

Things that change after university

1. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.


2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.


3. You don't volunteer for clinical trials at the local hospital.


4. You know all of the people sleeping in your house.


5. You carry an umbrella.


6. Seven-day benders are no longer realistic.


7. You don't get drunk at home, to save money, before going to a club.


8. Breaking the law means doing 40 in a 30 zone.


9. You don't have mice living in your kitchen.


10. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.


11. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.


12. Your friends marry and divorce instead of getting together and breaking-up.


13. You pay the government thousands of pounds every year.


14. A £2 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."


15. You're the one calling the police because those bloody students next door won't turn down the music.


16. You get out of bed in the morning even if it's raining.


17. You can't persuade your roommates to "Drink till dawn."


18. You always know where you are when you wake up.


19. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.


20. You feed your dog Eukeneba instead of McDonald"s.


21. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.


22. You can remember the name of the person you wake up next to.

Children's Comebacks

Things you'll wish you'd said at school:-

Teacher: Johnny, what is the chemical formula for water?
Johnny: H I J K L M N O.
Teacher: What are you talking about?
Johnny: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I."
Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Johnny... Always say, "I am.
Johnny: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Johnny, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Johnny: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

Teacher: Johnny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy this?
Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog.

Teacher: Johnny, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Johnny: A teacher...

What does your profession say about you?

1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture."
3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets.
5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumours concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch and then post a letter.
7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)
9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty pence cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service."
10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job. Thus the term "GO POSTAL".

Things that sound dirty in the office, but aren't

1. I need to whip it out by 5!
2. Mind if I use your laptop?
3. Put it in my box before I leave.
4. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
5. I want it on my desk NOW!!
6. Hmmm........I think it's out of fluid.
7. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
8. It's an entry-level position.
9. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
10. It's not fair...I do all the work and he just sits there.

Things that sound dirty In law, but aren't

1. Have you looked through her briefs?
2. He is one hard judge!
3. Counsellor, let's do it in chambers.
4. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.
5. Is it a penal offense?
6. Better leave the handcuffs on.
7. For €200 an hour, she'd better be good!
8. Can you get him to drop his suit?
9. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could
10. Think you can get me off?

You know you're British when...

You believe that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are all good nights for drinking. Sunday is also entirely reasonable.

After a big night out you find yourself looking for a curry house.

Coming to work with a hangover is entirely accepted and indeed expected at least once a week.

You're always half an hour late to work and no one notices or even cares.

You can actually give directions to tourists on Oxford Street!

You step over a drunk on the underground rather than offering to help them.

You don't even bother looking out of the window when you get up in the morning to check what the weather is like. You know it is grey and overcast.

You consider a suit to be normal attire for the pub.

You expect men to actually cut, comb and style their hair (using hair products). And to wear decent clothes and moisturize daily.

You collapse with laughter when listening to the funny accent of the Aussie international telephone operator (or on TV!).

You think £40 for a haircut is quite reasonable.

You can't remember what 'customer service' means.

More than three hours sunlight on summer days seems excessive.

You don't think twice about tipping your hairdresser

You finish every sentence with 'Cheers' or 'Yeah'.

You only realise you have lost your sun glasses when you remember you left them in Greece 2 summers ago.

You like English cooking. After all, it's hard to beat a full English breakfast.

You are on to your 6th umbrella and your second overcoat... this year.

You buy disposable baby BBQs from Tesco.

A day at the beach means wearing the warmest clothes you own while standing on golf ball-size pebbles and the thought of swimming doesn't even enter your head.

You always call soccer "football" and you support a team that's not Manchester United.

You don't think twice about buying a sandwich wrapped in cellophane.

A sunny lunchtime means searching for a patch of grass and stripping off practically down to your underwear.

You've accepted queuing as a way of life. In fact you're proud of how good you are at it.

Rules to live by

Be nice to your children, they will choose your retirement home.
Don't take life so seriously ... it's not permanent.
Despite the cost of living, it's still quite popular.
The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired.
The aging process would be slowed if it had to work its way through the House of Lords.
You'll always have what you had 20 years ago, only it will all be a little bit lower.

What to do about Uncle George? How to spin the truth.

powered by ODEO

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included senators, pastors, and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose: how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The author said not to worry, he could handle that section of history tactfully.

When the book appeared, the family turned to the section on Uncle George. There, they read, "George Smith occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a real shock."

Committees, Conferences, Meetings and Teamwork

A committee is a thing which takes a week to do what one good man can do in an hour.
Elbert Hubbard

I've searched all the parks in all the cities and found no statues of committees. G K Chesterton

Committee: A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit to do the unnecessary.
Richard Harkness

Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to be appointed to do the work.
Laurence J. Peter

Any committee that is the slightest use is composed of people who are too busy to want to sit on it for a second longer than they have to.
Katharine Whitehorn

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Fred Allen

A conference is just an admission that you want somebody to join you in your troubles.
Will Rogers

Our meetings are held to discuss many problems which would never arise if we held fewer meetings.
Ashleigh Brilliant

When the outcome of a meeting is to have another meeting, it has been a lousy meeting.
Herbert Hoover

Meetings and the Law of Triviality ... briefly stated, it means that the time spent on any item of the agenda will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.
C Northcote Parkinson

A meeting is an event where minutes are taken and hours wasted.
Unknown

Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything.
John Kenneth Galbraith

Teamwork is wasting half of one's time explaining to others why they are wrong.
Georges Wolinski

New Technology - B.O.O.K.

B.O.O.K. - Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge Device, tradenamed - BOOK.

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.

It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works: BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it. BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed.

Bookmark's fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

Thanks James.