1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "Oh gee! I'd better get cracking!" Scribble furiously. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!"
3. If it is a math or science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer or essay exam, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read the questions aloud and debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out sarcastically, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, and sit down. About five minutes into the exam, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture this semester! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a video game. Play it with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example, write "I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs". Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor and say "They've found me. I have to leave the country," and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a bad case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Complete the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For maths or science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when she or he is not looking. Look at the person nearest to you and say, "I can't believe you just did that!"
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam papers, eat them.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, and continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes in. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, swear loudly and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts. Tell the instructor that whether or not everyone's finished, you are all leaving after an hour to go for a drink.
26. At some point during the exam, start crying for your mummy.
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him or her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper."
28. Comment on how attractive the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "The phantom of the opera is here, inside your mind," until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over. While laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? 'Neighbours' is on!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you. Enough said.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to 'Mastermind'. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to 'Dambusters'.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is maths or science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Work PI and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets from another class (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask him or her to work it out for you.
41. Take your Gameboy into the exam.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, and start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the Mexican wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, and telegrams sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. This includes desks, chairs, and anything you can reach. You might want to take a screwdriver in with you.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you and play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, claim "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the student handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor (name) Sucks."
Thursday
50 ways to fail an exam
Saturday
Friday
Insurance Claims
More accident claim forms from a major insurance company:-
1. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
2. I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
3. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
4. The guy was all over the place. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
5. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
6. The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
7. I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
8. I was on my way to the doctor’s with rear-end trouble when my universal joint gave way, causing me to have an accident.
9. As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
10. The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
11. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
12. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
13. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
14. When I saw I could not avoid a collision, I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
15. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
16. I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
17. Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
18. The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
Tuesday
Monday
Little Red Riding Hood - Politically Correct Version
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist. Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and spring water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for women to oppress each other, since all women were equally oppressed until all women were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical women's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own self hood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her grandmother's house.
But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as a predator. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role of wise and nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted.
"You must request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood.
"If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species!
This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper.
"I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure," said the Wolf.
"Thanks."
"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on his firm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any antacid?"
Insurance Claim
Dear Sir,
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident reporting form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient:
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which, fortunately, was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tight to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of bricks. You will note, in block number 11 of the accident reporting form, that I weigh 135 pounds.
Due to my surprise of being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom broke out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately fifty pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in the accident reporting form, block number 11.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounted for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.
The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above me...I again lost my presence of mind...and let go of the rope!
Tuesday
Monday
You know you're a mum when...
- Your feet stick to jam on the kitchen floor ... and you just don't care.
- When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding (usually if you have two or three boys).
- You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and then run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate it downstairs in the laundry basket.
- Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child screaming for attention from you.
- Ice lollies become a food staple.
- Your favourite television show is a cartoon.
- You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.
- You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the cold caller and HE hangs up on YOU!
- Spit is your number one cleaning agent.
- You count the hundreds and thousands on each kid's fairy cake to make sure they're equal.
- You hide in the bathroom to be alone. (This is bad)
- You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.
- You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
- You get up at 5:30 AM and you have no time to eat, sleep, drink or go to the bathroom, and yet ... you still manage to gain 10 pounds.
- Your day consists of hoovering, dusting, wiping, washing, drying, loading, unloading, shopping, cooking, driving, flushing, ironing, sweeping, picking up, changing sheets, changing diapers, bathing, helping with homework, paying bills, budgeting, clipping coupons,folding clothes, putting to bed, dragging out of bed, brushing, chasing, buckling, feeding (them, NOT you), PLUS swinging, playing baseball, bike riding, pushing trucks, cuddling dolls, rollerblading, basketball, football, catch, bubbles, sprinklers, slides, nature walks, coloring, crafts, jumping rope, PLUS raking, trimming, planting, edging, mowing, gardening, painting, and walking the dog.
Thanks to Chewks.
Tuesday
EU Directive
EU Directive No. 456179.
In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency,all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used after 31st December 2009.
From this date, the correct terminology will be: 'Euronating'.
Saturday
Friday
Wednesday
Saturday
Unusual Australian Place Names
A-Z of unusual Australian place names
From James
Amphitheatre (Vic)
A hamlet in Victoria's Pyrenees ranges, originating from the gold mining rush, located in a hollow between two hills which roughly resembles an amphitheatre. Pleasant picnic spot, unless you're a gladiator.
Boing Boing (NT)
Meaning "mosquitoes buzzing" in Aboriginal, Boing Boing narrowly takes the cake for the most unusual place name beginning with "B" — it narrowly beat Blighty in NSW, which probably reminded somebody of home.
Come by chance (NSW)
Immortalised in a Banjo Patterson poem, this settlement in north-western New South Wales got its name from pastoralists who happened upon a large vacant block, while en route somewhere else more promising.
Diapur (Vic)
Diapur, in Victoria's Wimmera region, just beats Dunedoo in New South Wales as Australia's oddest sounding place beginning with "D". Named after the area's black swans, Diapur is particularly popular with babies.
Ehrenbreitstein (SA)
Sadly, like many South Australian towns named by German migrants, this town no longer exists. Its name was changed to Mount Yerila by the 1917 Nomenclature Act as it was one of 69 place names considered to indicate enemy origin following World War I. Other lost names include Wusser's Nob and Pflaum, renamed Hundred of Geegeela possibly because it was much frequented by horses.
Foul Bay (SA)
Named by Matthew Flinders in 1802 because of its poor anchorage, this bay on the Yorke Peninsula is far nicer than its moniker suggests. Also nearby is the delightful sounding Tiddy Widdy Beach.
Gingin (WA)
This town north of Perth sounds good enough to drink. The Aboriginal meaning is "place of many streams".
Humpybong (Qld)
Lovely name originating from when the British abandoned the area in favour of settling Brisbane, leaving behind empty huts or "humpies". Humpybong means "dead shelters" in Aboriginal.
Innaloo (WA)
Perth suburb with a fruit market called Innaloo Fresh (we kid you not!) and a shopping plaza, presumably with plenty of indoor restrooms.
Jimcumbilly (NSW)
Tiny settlement and disused railway station located near Bombala, inland from the New South Wales south coast. Mystery surrounds the meaning of its Aboriginal name.
Provocative Yorkeys Knob (Qld)
Knuckey Lagoon (NT)
Near Darwin and actually a wildlife reserve, rather than a place popular with couples. Just beats Kurri Kurri in New South Wales, where good Indian cuisine is guaranteed.
Loos (SA)
This settlement's original German name, Buchsfelde, was considered offensive during World War I so they came up with this much better alternative.
Mount Buggery (Vic)
The evocative and typically Aussie name, Mount Buggery, cannot be bettered anywhere in Australia — although WA's Muchea (as in "there's nothing muchea"), a corruption of the Aboriginal word Muchela, is excellent too.
Nowhere Else (Tas)
Located near Devonport in north-western Tasmania, there really is "nowhere else", like Nowhere Else.
Ozenkadnook (Vic)
An almost unpronounceable place name in the West Wimmera region bordering South Australia and meaning "very fat kangaroo" in Aboriginal.
Poowong (Vic)
This Gippsland town with smelly connotations appropriately got its name from the Aboriginal word for "carrion" or "putrefaction".
Queanbeyan (NSW/ACT)
Close to Canberra and meaning "clear water", a place fit for pollies and insect royalty.
Rooty Hill (NSW)
Area in western Sydney named by Governor King in 1802. Disappointingly, the name refers to roots exposed in fields around the hill following floods.
Smiggin Holes (NSW)
Popular ski resort that got its Scottish name from pools formed in rocks by cattle.
Tom Ugly (NSW)
Tom Ugly Point, near Sylvania in Sydney's south, is named after an Aboriginal Australian who lived in a rock shelter in this area during the mid-19th century. His nickname was said to be ironic as he was a strong, handsome fellow.
Uki (NSW)
Pronounced "yook-eye", this River Tweed dairy town's name originates from the Aboriginal word for "fern with edible roots" and just beats Ubobo in Queensland.
Vite Vite (Vic)
Vite Vite, on the railway line close to Pura Pura and Nerrin Nerrin in South Western Victoria, may have got its name from the French word for "quick", as in "I hope the train arrives double quick".
Wonglepong (Qld)
Although New South Wales has Woolloomooloo (meaning young kangaroo), and Wards Mistake (named after bushranger Frederick Ward), Queensland's delightfully named Wonglepong, possibly meaning "forgotten sound" in Aboriginal, pips them all, and also tramples all over Victoria's Wurt Wurt Kurt as number one "W".
Xantippe (WA)
Australia's only place name beginning with "X" is found near Dalwallinu in the WA wheat belt, and got its name from workers on the rabbit-proof fence. On discovering that the granite ground they were working on was almost impenetrable, they called the place Xantippe, after the wife of Greek philosopher Socrates, reputedly a very hard woman!
Yorkeys Knob (Qld)
Located just north of Cairns, it got its name from a fisherman from Yorkshire, George Yorkey Lawson, who lived nearby in the late 19th century. Locals have since resisted attempts to rename it Yorkeys Beach, fond as they are of the original moniker, despite the reactions it sometimes provokes.
Zeehan (Tas)
Former silver and lead mining town in Tassie's south-west that gets its name from one of Abel Tasman's ships.
Wednesday
A guide to investments
BEAR: What your trade account and wallet will be when you take a flyer on that hot stock tip your secretary gave you.
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in Amazon.com.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell Broke.
BULL: What your broker uses to explain why your mutual funds tanked during the last quarter.
COMMISSION: The only reliable way to make money on the stock market, which is why your broker charges you one.
MARGIN: Where you scribble the latest quotes when you're supposed to be listening to your manager's presentation.
SHORT POSITION: A type of trade where, in theory, a person sells stocks he doesn't actually own. Since this also only ever works in theory, a short position is what a person usually ends up being in (i.e. "The rent, sir? Well, I'm a little short this month.").
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $33.75 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.50.
YAK: What you do into a pail when you discover your stocks have plunged and your broker is making a margin call.
Tuesday
Thursday
Interesting Statistics
Average life expectancy ( in seconds ) of an enemy soldier in a Chuck Norris film: 4
Number of men who have written letters proposing marriage to Vanna White: 3506
Age most people stop believing in Santa Claus: 8
Age most people stop believing in politicians: 7
Number of chemical elements in the universe: 104
In a glass of New Jersey tap water: 98
Number of days into baseball season before Chicago Cubs are written off as pennant contenders: 5
Average powder base ( in inches ) on Aspen ski slope: 17
On Tammy Bakker: 1/4
Salary of the average Pro Wrestler: $47,500 /yr.
If Pro Wrestling didn't exist: $4.25/hr.
Number of things that annoy Andy Rooney: 2,000,000
Number of people annoyed by Andy Rooney: 23,000,000
Average miles per gallon you can expect if a car maker's ad says " 30 mpg, city": 23
Number of people who aren't doctors, but play them on TV: 57
Who aren't doctor's but play them in hospitals: 5,840
Number of people in the history of air travel who have been able to get a $99 Maxsaver fare to coast: 2
Restrictions for that fare: 237
Percentage of the public that understand the new tax code: 11%
Percentage of accountants who understand it: 9%
Percentage of IRS employees who understand it: 6%
Number of people who work for the government: about half
Number of Americans who believe any of the statistics on this page are accurate: 2,478,644
Who believe TV Evangelists are trustworthy: 2,478,644
Monday
What not to put in your job application
"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization."
Means: I've used Microsoft Office.
"I'm honest, hard-working and dependable."
Means: I pilfer office supplies.
"My pertinent work experience includes..."
Means: I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
"I take pride in my work."
Means: I blame others for my mistakes.
"I'm personable."
Means: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to colleagues.
"I'm extremely professional."
Means: I carry a briefcase.
"I am adaptable."
Means: I've changed jobs a lot.
"I am always on the go."
Means: I'm never at my desk.
Saturday
Road Trip
Today many teens and young adults in the west see a road trip as a rite of passage, their first solo journey from home, frequently to other countries. It is the idea of shedding parental bonds and taking that great leap out on one’s own that attracts many young men and women to saddle up and head out on the open road. This is due in part to the feeling of freedom some people get when traveling the open roads.
There's a small problem with this road trip though.
