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Job review company Glassdoor have compiled a list of the toughest interview questions by country. Here are the toughest from the UK for 20...

Scientifically Santa - Children do not read this!

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas Eve to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.

Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.

Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them... Santa would need 360,000 of them.

This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.

Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

Top 10 Christmas Carols For The Disturbed

Thanks to James

  1. Schizophrenia -------------------------- Do You Hear What I Hear?
  2. Multiple Personality Disorder ---- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
  3. Dementia -------------------------------- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
  4. Narcissistic ----------------------------- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
  5. Manic ------------------------------------- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and.....
  6. Paranoid --------------------------------- Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me
  7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
  8. Personality Disorder ----------------- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
  9. Attention Deficit Disorder ---------- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
  10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, JingleBells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle

Illegal Alien

Sent to me by Sarah.

Illegal Alien Has Illegitimate Birth Baby Expected To Be Charged With Treason

by Harold Kitchenmouse

BETHLEHEM -- It was rumoured today that an unmarried couple from Nazareth stopped in a manger owned by Alfredo Pinchi, a notorious local slumlord, and a baby was born.

"There was no running water, and the place was filled with straw," commented local public health authorities. "We even found a donkey inside!"

"The mother gave birth under extremely questionable circumstances," offered Pontius Pilate, Judean candidate for District Attorney. "She claims to have been a virgin."

Unconfirmed reports indicate that Roman authorities are investigating the baby on charges of sedition and treason. "There are a bunch of people running around alleging that the baby is the son of God," explained Pilate, "and that he will have some radical ideas about religion in the future."

Three Kings from the Orient were caught on the outskirts of Bethlehem by the Roman Border Patrol, carrying illegal contraband.

"We caught them red-handed with frankincense and myrrh," explained an official with the Border Patrol. "And they didn't have any papers."

The Kings were promptly arrested and deported to Syria.

At virtually the same time as the baby was born, a bright star was sighted over Bethlehem.

"This is an omen that things are about to radically change in the Empire due to Global Warming," commented Al Gore.

'Twas the night before implementation - Podcast

powered by ODEO

'Twas the night before implementation and all through the house,
Not a program was working, not even a browse.
The programmers hung by their tubes in despair,
With hopes that a miracle soon would be there.

The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of SQL danced in their heads.
When out in the machine room there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.

And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a super programmer ( with a six-pack of beer),
Her resume glowed with experience so rare,
She turned out great code with a bit-pusher’s flair.
More rapid than eagles, her programs they came,
And she cursed and muttered and called them by name.

On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closings! On Functions Complete!
Her eyes were glazed over, fingers nimble and lean,
From weekends and nights spent in front of a screen.
A wink of her eye and a twitch of her head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.

She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,
Turning specs into code; then turned with a jerk.
And laying her finger to press “ENTER” the key,
The system came up and worked perfectly.

The updates updated; the deletes, they deleted;
The inquiries inquired, and closings completed.
She tested each whistle, and tested each bell,
With nary a bomb, and all had gone well.

The system was finished, the tests were concluded,
The users’ last changes were even included.
And the user exclaimed with a snarl and a taunt,
“It’s just what I asked for, but not what I want!”


The 12 days of Christmas - Times are tough

The 12 Days of Christmas are being re-examined in light of competition

Global challenges require the North Pole to continue to take more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary.

The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic plant, providing savings in maintenance costs.

The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated.

The three French hens will remain intact and we may actually expand the number of hens used. A recent time-motion-profitability study proved that using illegal migratory fowl is extremely profitable as it eliminates the company's need to provide employee benefits because the hens do not meet federal residency requirements.

The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked. Once this information is determined, the Accounting Department will deduct the costs of any inappropriate non-business calls from their final paycheck.

The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.

The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of their decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by the Personnel Department will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.

The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes to better enhance their outplacement.

As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the work force is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring, or a-motoring.

Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps. Let me hasten to add that the company policy prohibits age discrimination. Should these individuals be asked to leave prior to their voluntary retirement, rest assured our Law Department will ensure an ironclad defense against an employee lawsuit.

Ten Lords-a-Leaping is overkill. The high costs of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, significant savings should result due to the number of congressmen left unemployed by the election.

Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music and no uniforms will produce savings to the bottom line.

Though incomplete, studies by our latest consultant indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop-ship in one day, service levels will be improved and we can expect a substantial reduction in the use of part-time personnel.

Happy Xmas!

Common English sayings

The following 18 sentences are all complicated ways of saying common English sayings - can you decipher them?

(Answers follow)

1. Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

2. Neophyte's serendipity.

3. A revolving lithic conglomerate accumulates no congeries of small, green, biophytic plant.

4. Members of an avian species of identical plumage tend to congregate.

5. Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity.

6. Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude.

7. It is fruitless to become lachrymose of precipitately decanted lacteal fluid.

8. Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.

9. The stylus is more potent than the rapier.

10. It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative maneuvers.

11. Surveillance should precede saltation.

12. Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minific! Fain would I fathom your nature specific!

13. The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the optimal cachinnation.

14. Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic diversion renders Jack a hebetudinous fellow.

15. Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be well advised to refrain from
catapulting petrious projectiles.

16. Where there are visible vapors having their provenance in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration.

17. All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly resplendent.

18. Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.


1. Dead men tell no tales.

2. Beginner's luck

3. A rolling stone gathers no moss.

4. Birds of a feather flock together.

5. Beauty is only skin-deep.

6. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

7. Don't cry over spilled milk.

8. Spare the rod and spoil the child.

9. The pen is mightier than the sword.

10. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

11. Look before you leap.

12. Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder what you are!

13. One who laughs last, laughs best.

14. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

15. Those who live glass houses should cast no stones.

16. Where there is smoke, there is fire.

17. All that glitters is not gold.

18. Beggars can't be choosers.

You and your boss

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're
overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.

Gopher Broke

A gopher is an animal that burrows and often destroys crops. It has large external cheek pouches and is found in Central America and southwestern North America.

The idiom "Go for broke" means to risk everything in order to achieve the result you want.

So the title of this short film "Gopher broke" is a play on words as the gopher in the film is going for broke.

New Technology - B.O.O.K.

B.O.O.K. - Introducing the new Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge Device, tradenamed - BOOK.

BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on.

It's so easy to use, even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere-even sitting in an armchair by the fire-yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.

Here's how it works: BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of paper (recyclable), each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. The pages are locked together with a custom-fit device called a binder which keeps the sheets in their correct sequence. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Experts are divided on the prospects for further increases in information density; for now, BOOKS with more information simply use more pages. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of the finger takes you to the next sheet.

BOOK may be taken up at any time and used merely by opening it. BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting, though, like other devices, it can become damaged if coffee is spilled on it and it becomes unusable if dropped too many times on a hard surface. The "browse" feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. Many come with an "index" feature, which pin-points the exact location of any selected information for instant retrieval.

An optional "BOOKmark" accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session-even if the BOOK has been closed.

Bookmark's fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKmark can be used in BOOKs by various manufacturers. Conversely, numerous BOOK markers can be used in a single BOOK if the user wants to store numerous views at once. The number is limited only by the number of pages in the BOOK. You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with optional programming tools, Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Styli (PENCILS).

Portable, durable, and affordable, BOOK is being hailed as a precursor of a new entertainment wave. BOOK's appeal seems so certain that thousands of content creators have committed to the platform and investors are reportedly flocking to invest. Look for a flood of new titles soon.

Thanks James.

White & Nerdy

As a white and nerdy female this is soo funny.

"Weird Al" Yankovic's music video from his new album "Straight Outta Lynwood" (in stores Sept. 26)

How many words?

Pythagorean theorem: 24 words
The Lord's prayer: 66 words.
Archimedes' Principle: 67 words.
The 10 Commandments: 179 words.
The Gettysburg address: 286 words.
The Declaration of Independence: 1,300 words.
The U.S. Government regulations on the sale of cabbage: 26,911 words.

Your tax dollars at work.

The question is - What?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What do you call a male ladybird?

What happens if you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on?

What hair colour do you enter on your driver's license if you're bald?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

What do you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

What is the speed of darkness?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

What if there were no hypothetical situations?

What do picket sign writers put on their signs when they go on strike?

What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?

What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?

What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?

What happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?

What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?

What's the difference between a novel and a book?

Weatherman vs Cockroach

Big macho man!
This has to be the funniest weather forecast - ever:-

How to describe someone as stupid?

Let me count the ways:-

1. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
2. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
3. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
4. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
5. As smart as bait.
6. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
7. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
8. Is so dense, light bends around him/her.
9. If brains were taxed, he/she'd get a rebate.
10. Standing close to him/her, you can hear the ocean.
11. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he/she just gargled.
12. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
13. One of his/her DuraCells is in upside down.
14. An experiment in AS (Artificial Stupidity).
15. Dumber than a box of hair.
16. All foam, no beer.
17. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
18. If he/she had another brain, it would be lonely.
19. A prime candidate for natural DE-selection.
20. Forgot to pay his/her brain bill.
21. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
22. In IQ tests single celled organisms out score him/her.
23. Donated his/her body to science - before he/she was done using it.
24. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.
26. If he/she were any more stupid, he'd/she'd have to be watered twice a week.
27. If you give him/her a penny for his/her thoughts, you'd get change.
28. Nothing between the headphones.
29. Nothing between the stethoscopes.
30. If (his/her) IQ was 2 points higher (he/she) would be a rock.
31. A room temperature IQ.
32. About as bright as an LED.
33. About as sharp as a bowl of jello.
34. About as sharp as a bowling ball.
35. About as sharp as a sack of wet leather.
36. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
37. An IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
38. As thick as two short planks.
39. Brains of a house plant.
40. Dumb as a box of rocks.
41. Dumber than a red brick.
42. Nothing between the ears.
43. Echoes between the ears.
44. Got signs on both ears saying Space for Rent.

What women want

Original List (age 22):

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses smartly.
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

Revised List (age 32):

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at her jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one good tie & socks
8. Appreciates her home-cooked meals, makes tea for her
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week (with her ofcourse !)

Revised List (age 42):

1. Not too ugly ( bald head OK)
2. Doesn’t drive off until she’s seated in the car
3. Passes the TV remote to her willingly when she asks.
4. Nods head when she’s talking (vertically, not horizontally ! )
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Still agrees to visit her parents house.
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

Revised List (age 52):

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn’t belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn’t borrow money too often
4. Doesn’t nod off to sleep when she’s talking
5. Doesn’t re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh undergarments
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Talks to her relatives when they call up on phone
10. Shaves some weekends

Revised List (age 62):

1. Remembers where the bathroom is
2. Doesn’t spend much time in the bathroom
3. Doesn’t require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he’s laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears clothes (his clothes)
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it’s the weekend

Revised List (age 72):

1. Breathing
2.Doesn’t miss the toilet
3. Still Loves her…*

Need a new name?

Read the following directions carefully:-

The following is an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", by Dav Pilkey.

The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names:-


Use the FIRST letter of your first name to determine your new FIRST name:
a = stinky
b = lumpy
c = buttercup
d = dorkey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = fluffy
h = cheeseball
i = chim-chim
j = poopsie
k = flunky
l = booger
m = pinky
n = zippy
o = goober
p = doofus
q = slimy
r = loopy
s = snotty
t = falafel
u = gidget
v = squeezit
w = oprah
x = skipper
y = dinky
z = zsa-zsa

Use the FIRST letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new LAST name:
a = diaper
b = toilet
c = giggle
d = bubble
e = girdle
f = barf
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = cootie
j = monkey
k = potty
l = liver
m = banana
n = rhino
o = burger
p = hamster
q = toad
r = gizzard
s = pizza
t = gerbil
u = chicken
v = pickle
w = chuckle
x = tofu
y = gorilla
z = stinker

Use the LAST letter of your last name to determine the second half of your LAST name:
a = head
b = mouth
c = face
d = nose
e = tush
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = butt
l = brain
m = tushie
n = chunks
o = hiney
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = buns
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = kisser
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = brains
z = juice

Thus, for example, George Bush's new name would be Fluffy Toiletshorts and Tony Blair's new name would be Falafel Toiletbuns (maybe they are related).

My new name would be Booger Wafflenose!

The Gender of Computer

A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House," for instance, is feminine: "la casa".

"Pencil," however, is masculine: "el lapiz".

A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be feminine: "la computadora," because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay on accessories for it.


The women's group concluded that computers should be masculine "el computador," because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.


The women won.

(Thanks to Waltzing Broonhilda for this one!)

The question is - Have?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

Have you ever wondered?

Have you ever noticed that when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor? No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Q: Have you lived here all your life?
A: Not yet.

Virus alert! - Podcast

powered by ODEO

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally, and by hand.

The virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer +++++(WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else by any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put on your jacket and take two good friends to the nearest bar. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Eliminator-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

No pun in ten did

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of Home."
Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Patient: "Is it common?"
Doc: "Well. {sings} It's not unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly: "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at though.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. And finally, there were these people who sent sixteen different puns to their friends with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Four Candles or Fork Handles? A classic video!

One of their most famous sketches.

For Poetria:-

In a hardware shop. Ronnie Corbett is behind the counter, wearing a warehouse jacket. He has just finished serving a customer.

CORBETT(muttering): There you are. Mind how you go.
(Ronnie Barker enters the shop, wearing a scruffy tank-top and beanie)
BARKER: Forkandles!
CORBETT: Four Candles?
BARKER: Forkandles!
(Ronnie Corbett goes to a box, and gets out four candles. He places them on the counter)
BARKER: No, forkandles!
CORBETT (confused): Well there you are, four candles!
BARKER: No, fork 'andles! 'Andles for forks!
(Ronnie Corbett puts the candles away, and goes to get a fork handle. He places it onto the counter)
CORBETT (muttering): Fork handles. Thought you said 'four candles!' (more clearly) Next?
BARKER: Got any plugs?
CORBETT: Plugs. What kind of plugs?
BARKER: A rubber one, bathroom.
(Ronnie Corbett gets out a box of bath plugs, and places it on the counter)
CORBETT (pulling out two different sized plugs): What size?
BARKER: Thirteen amp!
CORBETT (muttering): It's electric plugs, electric bathroom plugs, we call them, in the trade. Electric bathroom plugs!
(He puts the box away, gets out another box, and places on the counter an electric plug, then puts the box away)
BARKER: Saw tips!
CORBETT: Sore tips? (he doesn't know what he means) What d'you want? Ointment, or something like that?
BARKER: No, saw tips for covering saws.
CORBETT: Oh, haven't got any, haven't got any. (he mutters) Comin' in, but we haven' got any. Next?
(He goes to get a hoe, and places it on the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT: 'Hose! I thought you meant'Hoes! (he takes the hoe back, and gets a hose, whilst muttering) When you said 'O's, I thought you said 'O! 'O's!
(He places the hose onto the counter)
BARKER: No, 'O's!
CORBETT (confused for a moment): O's? Oh, you mean panty hose, panty hose (he picks up a pair of tights from beside him).
BARKER: No, no, 'O's! 'O's for the gate. Mon repose! 'O's! Letter O's!
CORBETT (finally realising): Letter O's! (muttering) You had me going there!
(He climbs up a stepladder, gets a box down, puts the ladder away, and takes the box to the counter, and searches through it for letter O's)
CORBETT: How many d'you want?
(Ronnie Corbett leaves two letter O's on the counter, then takes the box back, gets the ladder out again, puts the box away, climbs down the ladder, and puts the ladder away, then returns to the counter)
CORBETT: Yes, next?
BARKER: Got any P's?
CORBETT (fed up): For Gawds sake, why didn' you bleedin' tell me that while I was up there then? I'm up and down the shop already, it's up and down the shop all the time. (He gets the ladder out, climbs up and gets the box of letters down, then puts the ladder away) Honestly, I've got all this shop, I ain't got any help, it's worth it we plan things. (He puts the box on the counter, and gets out some letter P's) How many d'you want?
BARKER: No! Tins of peas. Three tins of peas!
CORBETT: You're 'avin' me on, aren't ya, yer 'avin' me on?
BARKER: I'm not!
(Ronnie Corbett dumps the box under the counter, and gets three tins of peas)
CORBETT (placing the tins on the counter): Next?
BARKER: Got any pumps?
CORBETT (getting really fed up): Hand pumps, foot pumps? Come on!
BARKER (surprised he has to ask): Foot pumps!
CORBETT (muttering, as he goes down the shop): Foot pumps. See a foot pump? (He sees one, and picks it up) Tidy up in 'ere.
(He puts the pump down on the counter)
BARKER: No, pumps fer ya feet! Brown pumps, size nine!
CORBETT (almost at breaking point): You are 'avin' me on, you are definitely 'avin' me on!
BARKER (not taking much notice of Corbett's mood): I'm not! I'm not! I'm not.
CORBETT: You are 'avin' me on! (He takes back the pump, and gets a pair of brown foot pumps out of a drawer, and places them on the counter) Next?
BARKER: Washers!
CORBETT (really close to breaking point): What, windscreen washers, car washers, dishwashers, floor washers, back scrubbers, lavatory cleaners? Floor washers?
BARKER: 'Alf inch washers!
CORBETT: Oh, tap washers, tap washers? (He finally breaks, and makes to confiscate his list) Look, I've had just about enough of this, give us that list. (He mutters) I'll get it all myself! (Reading through the list) What's this? What's that? Oh that does it! That just about does it! I have just about had it! (calling through to the back) Mr. Jones! You come out and serve this customer please, I have just about had enough of 'im. (Mr. Jones comes out, and Ronnie Corbett shows him the list) Look what 'e's got on there! Look what 'e's got on there!
JONES (who goes to a drawer with a towel hanging out of it, and opens it): Right! How many would ya like? One or two?
(He removes the towel to reveal the label on the drawer - 'Bill hooks'!)

A guide to Australia and Australian English

  1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
  2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
  3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
  4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
  5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
  6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
  7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
  8. All our best heroes are losers.
  9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
  10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
  11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
  12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
  13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.
  14. The wise man will choose a partner who is more attractive than himself.............to mosquitoes.
  15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
  16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
  17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
  18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
  19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).
  20. If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
  21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
  22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
  23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
  24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
  25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
  26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
  27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
    Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".
  28. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.
  29. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER!
    And finally the true test for immigration to Australia is mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the cricket. If you can't pass that chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.

Customer Complaint

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 'four-in-one deal' for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties or more likely (as I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting around waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? The rescheduled installation took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Another two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. It eventually came after 15 telephone calls over four weeks, six weeks after I had requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman). And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought British Telecom was rubbish; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers.

That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- idiots though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees. Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.

Yours sincerely,

The question is - How?

How do dead flies and bugs get into light fixtures?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

How many peppers did Peter Piper pick?

How do "Keep Off The Grass" signs get there?

How do you know when you've finished, if you spend your day doing nothing?

How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

How does Teflon stick to the pan?

How cold is it going to be, if it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow?

How come we put men on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

How do you let someone know you painted a wet paint sign?

How would you treat someone who is addicted to counseling?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

How would you throw away a rubbish bin?

How do you make seven even? = Take away the "s".

How many seconds are in a year? = 12 - January second, February second ...

How young can you be, but still die of old age?

Q. How do you freeze twice.
A. Remove the "tw".

Tech Support humour

Tech Support: "Customer Support, this is David, may I help you?"

Customer: "Hello, yes, it's me."

Tech Support: "Oh, it's me too." [chuckle]

Customer: "No, Esmie. E, s, m, i, e."

Tech Support: "Oh, sorry." [blush]


Tech Support: "Would you right-click on the Open Desktop."

Customer: "Ok."

Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"

Customer: "No."

Tech Support: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"

Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

Tech Support: "Did you type 'click' with the keyboard?"

Customer: "I've done something dumb, right?"


Customer: "One of my friends gave me an ImageWriter printer and a keyboard. He said he gave me all the cables, but I can't figure out how to connect them. Am I missing something?"

Tech Support: "Well, a computer would help."

Customer: "You mean this keyboard isn't a word processor?"

Tech Support: "No ma'am, its just an input device."

Customer: "Then I need to buy a computer, right?"

Tech Support: "Yes."

Customer: "Do you think I'll need a monitor, too?"


Customer: "Hi, I'd like to buy a virus."

Tech Support: "Ummm. You really don't want a virus on your computer. What you need is anti-virus software."

Customer: "No, my son told me I need a virus, and that's what I'd like."

Tech Support: "No worries. You don't need to buy a virus -- you can just connect to the internet and download one."


Customer: "I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?"


Customer: "I have a question about the Internet."

Tech Support: "Ok, what's your question?"

Customer: "How do I unsubscribe from a BBS?"

Tech Support: "Uh, well, you should probably contact the people that run it."

Customer: "Well who owns the Internet?"


Customer: "So that'll get me connected to the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Yeah."

Customer: "And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?"

Tech Support: "Uhh...uh...uh...yeah."


Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."

Customer: "Click 'OK'?"

Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."

Customer: "Click 'OK'?"

Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."

Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"

Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."

Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"

Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"

Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."

Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."

Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."

Customer: "Oh."

Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."

Customer: "Why?"

Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."

Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"

Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."

Customer: "Ok."

Call Centre Humour

This is for James:-

  1. Net Lag: That glazed look when you have been online for too long.
  2. Meerkatting: When something happens in a call centre with cubicles, where people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
  3. Open-Collar Workers: People who work at home or telecommute.
  4. Adminisphere: The rarefied organisation layers beginning just above the rank of call centre manager. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
  5. Stress puppy: A person who thrives on being stressed-out and whiny.
  6. Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on a computer keyboard.
  7. Idea hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running .
  8. Mouse potato: The on-line generation's answer to the couch potato.
  9. Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
  10. Under Mouse Arrest: Getting busted for violating the company’s web browsing rule of conduct.
  11. It's a Feature: From the adage "It's not a bug, it's a feature." Used sarcastically to describe an unpleasant experience that you wish to gloss over. Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Tim, he's the alpha geek around here."
  12. Mission critical: We are stuffed if this fails!
  13. Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
  14. Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands
  15. 404: Someone who is clueless, from the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning the requested document couldn't be located.

Making the most of your IT department - Podcast

1. When IT say they're coming right over, log out and go for coffee. It's no problem for them to remember 700 network passwords.

2. When you call them to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. They don't have a life, and find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

3. When you bring them your own no-brand home PC to repair for free at the office, tell them how urgently they need to fix it so your son can get back to playing DOOM. They'll get right on it because they have so much free time at the office.

4. When an IT professional is eating lunch at his or her desk, walk right in and spill your guts out and expect them to respond immediately. They exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing computers.

5. When an IT professional is at the water cooler or outside having a smoke, ask a computer question. The only reason why they drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who don't have email or a telephone line.

6. Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

7. When you call a helpdesk engineer's direct line rather than the helpdesk number, press 5 to skip the greeting that says they're on holiday for a week, record your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one ever returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

8. When the photocopier or fax machine doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it, right?

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE or BUSY SIGNAL message at home, call the helpdesk. They can even fix telephone problems.

10. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a chair in IT. Leave no name, no phone number, and no description of the problem. They love a good mystery.

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11. When you have a helpdesk engineer on the phone walking you through changing a setting; read the paper. They don't actually mean for you to DO anything; They just love to hear themselves talk.

12. When they offer you training on the upcoming upgrade, don't bother. They'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.

13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for no reason.

14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.

15. Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.

16. If you're taking evening classes in computing, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for yourself and your co-workers. IT are grateful for the overtime when they have to stay until 2:30am fixing them.

17. When you have an IT person fixing your computer at a quarter to one, eat your lunch in their face. They function better when slightly dizzy .

18. Don't ever thank them. They love this AND get paid for it!

19. When a helpdesk engineer asks you whether you've installed any new software on your computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

20. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs. of computer sitting on top of them.

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21. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the network/mail upgrade. Keyboards work much better with half a pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of Coke under the keys.

22. When you get the message saying "Are you sure?" click on that 'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it, would you?

23. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that computer crap". It never bothers them to hear their area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

24. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call the helpdesk. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master's degree in nuclear physics.

25. When something's the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk. They enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the problem.

26. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a high-priority mail attachment. There's plenty of disk space and processor capacity on that mail server.

27. Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. God forbid somebody else might get a chance to squeeze into the queue.

28. When you bump into an IT person in the supermarket on a Saturday, ask a computer question. They work 24/7, even while at the supermarket on weekends.

29. If your son is a student in computer science, have him come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office computer. IT'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.

30. When IT send you an e-mail with high importance, delete it at once. They're probably just testing out the public groups.

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31. When it's 5 minutes past their shift and you see them with their coats on ready to leave, feel free to ask your questions. They don't mind working for free, nor do they have families to go home to. All they really want to do is work on computers 24/7/52.

32. When you are trying to listen to radio stations off the internet bother them when they come in choppy or skipping, they have nothing better to do. There might be a server down somewhere but your listening pleasure is their goal.

33. Your monitor is not your computer! There is a difference.

34. You do not save files on your monitor. When something happens to your monitor and they have to exchange it, don't ask them if you are going to lose any important files. The only thing lost will be their sanity.

35. The official title of someone in IT is Support Specialist or Network administrator, not computer geek or nerd. They don't refer to the janitors as the toilet swabbers.

36. Yours is not the most important problem in the world, You'll be able to check your email again in 5 minutes. Emails don't have legs, they won't walk away, and they are very patient.

37. Also when you have a problem, feel free to call and email every tech in the building. When someone does come and fix it, don't tell the other techs it's all fixed. Make them rush through things and blow off other things, because they have a million things to get to. Besides they love that feeling of relief when they realize it's done. That's their fault though you should've been their first priority the whole time.

38. It's ok to page them at home with your own problems, heaven forbid they would get to eat dinner or watch the news.

39. Go to them with flyers from the newspaper and ask if the latest Gateway / Dell is a good deal. Even though you have no intention of buying it anyway, they love explaining everything to you and taking their time to carefully go over everything even though you don't want to buy anything, that's their job.

40. You do not know more about computers than them. End of statement.

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A musical lecture - Video

musical lecture

I hope this doesn't catch on too much!

The question is - If?

If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If a fly didn't have wings, would it be called a walk?

If a man with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation?

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If a politician loses his seat in Parliament, is he disappointed?

If we say we're head over heels when we're happy, does it mean we're always happy when we are standing?

If swimming is such good exercise, how come whales are so fat?

If someone dies early why do we call them late?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?

If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isnt the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

If you wear a sheet for halloween are you a ghost or a mattress?

If a person told you they were a pathological liar, would you believe them?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

If supermarkets are open 24/7/365, why do they have locks on the doors?

If "Con" is the Opposite of "Pro," is Congress opposed to progress?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

If Teflon is non-stick, how does it stay on the pan?

If a seagull flew over the bay, would it be called a bagel?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

If a vampire cannot see its reflection, how is their hair always so neat?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean the fifth person enjoys it?

If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If Superman can't be hurt by bullets, why does he duck when they throw the gun?

If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you choked a Smurf, what colour whould it turn?

If a person thinks marathons are superior to sprints, is that racism?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19?

If someone who's signing swears, does their mother make them wash their hands with soap?

If you get scared 1/2 to death twice what happens?

If Winnie the Pooh is civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why does he eat it with his hands?

If a turtle loses its shell, is it considered naked or homeless?

If electricity comes from electrons, dose morality come from morons?

If you pamper a cow, do you get spoilt milk?

If a teacher has to teach a younger grade than they were teaching before, are they "degraded" or "downgraded"?

If a cow laughs, does milk come out of her nose?

If you fart and burp at the same time, does a vacuum form in your tummy?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you've finished?

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

Q. If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, what would the word be?

A. Meetings.

The Major Usenet User Song - Podcast

(Based on the Major General's song from "The Pirates of Penzance", Gilbert & Sullivan)
--Author Unknown

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I am the very model of a Usenet individual,
I've information meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I know the basic elements of alien biology,
And all the hidden secrets of the Church of Scientology,
I've seen "The Wrath of Khan" and every Star Trek film that followed it,
I moan about my Service card and how the cash till swallowed it,
About the laws on handguns I am sending off a counterblast,
With many cheerful facts about the way you can MAKE MONEY FAST!

ALL: With many cheerful etc.

I'll tell you why the Japanese are taking over Panama,
And why the USA is still a better place than Canada,
In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
He is the very model of a Usenet individual.

I post in alt.revisionism all about the Holocaust,
I cut my .sig to twenty lines, I didn't want to, I was forced,
I really can't believe the "Good Times" virus to be mythical,
My tax is going up which is, frankly, bloody typical,
I've upset several people on alt.flame, I really don't know how,
And sent a thousand business cards to Mr. and Mrs. Shergold now,
I have a very poor grip of political geography,
And no involvement yet in any online pornography,

ALL: And absolutely no, etc.

I've paid two-fifty dollars for the Nieman-Marcus recipe,
And told the Spanish tourist's tale about the toothbrush pessary,
In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
He is the very model of a Usenet individual.

In fact, when I know what is meant by "binary" and "FTP",
When I know how to decode porno JPEGs from a .ue,
When I can handle HTML, Telnet, mail and IRC,
And when I know the words initialised to form "http",
When I have learnt what topics are acceptable in talk.bizarre,
When I know more of Usenet than the tailpipe of a motor-car,
In short, when I've a smattering of elementary netiquette,
You'll say a better individual has never surfed the Net.

ALL: You'll say a better individual, etc.

For my technical experience, although I claim to know it all
Could barely serve to run the installation disk from AOL;
But still, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
I am the very model of a Usenet individual.

ALL: But still, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial,
He is the very model of a Usenet individual.

Masculine or Feminine?

Many languages refer to everyday objects as either masculine or femimine.
Wouldn't English be more interesting and versatile if we did, too?
These suggestions are from the Washington Post, which asked readers to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason. Here are some of the best submissions:-

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it.and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. It is also an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed, but it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL: Female...Ha!...you thought I'd say male. But consider, it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

(Sent in by James)

A Terrifying Message from Al Gore - Video

A Terrifying Message from Al Gore

Sometimes humour masks our fear.

The easiest quiz in the world

[01] How long did the Hundred Years War last?

[02] What was New Mexico named after?

[03] Which country makes the most Panama Hats?

[04] In the story "1001 Arabian nights" what nationality was Aladdin?

[05] What nationality were the original Pennsylvania Dutch?

[06] From which animal do we get catgut?

[07] In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

[08] What material was used to clad the sides of the US warship "Old Ironsides"?.

[09] What is a Camel hair brush made of?

[10] The Canary Islands are named after what animal?

[11] What was King George VI's first name?

[12] What color is a Purple Finch?

[13] What bird has the scientific name Puffinus puffinus puffinus?

[14] What colour are White Rhinos?

[15] How long did the Thirty Years War last?

The question is - Why?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Why are they called apartments, when they’re all stuck together?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why are marbles called marbles when they're made of glass?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money into telescopes just to look at things on the ground?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why does rain "drop" but snow "falls".

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why do we call it a building if it's already been built?

Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?

Why doesn't the hair on your arms and legs grow as fast as the hair on your head?

Why are they called 'Hot Dogs' when they are not even dog meat?

Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are running low?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?

Why do we say an alarm clock 'goes off' when really it 'comes on'?

Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?

Why is China also called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?

Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

Why is more than one goose called geese but more than one moose is not meese?

Why is a manhole cover round?

Why do you put two cents in when its only a penny for your thoughts?

Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?

Why did Noah let mosquitoes onto the ark?

Why do they call Greenland Greenland when its all ice, and Iceland
Iceland when its all green?

Why are stairs called 'stairs' when inside, but when you're outside they're called 'steps'?

Why does round pizza come in a square box?

Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when you're not allowed to smoke there?

Why do people keep on pushing more and more buttons when their computer freezes?

Why are periods called MENstruation?

Why do teachers need answer books?

Why isn't phonetic spelt the way it sounds?

Why do they say, "In Case of Fire, Do Not Use Elevator"? How would you put a fire out with an elevator?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough money in the account?

Why is it called a MISSile if it was made to hit things?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do you always push a door when it says pull and pull it when it says push?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are 4 billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why are we willing to spend hours looking for the remote control and unwilling to just walk to the TV?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why is it that no matter what colour bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why do we call trousers a “pair of trousers” but a bra is only a bra?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his skin, but he ducks when anyone throws something at him?

Why is it called a TV set when you only get one?

Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell mnemonic?

Why do people keep looking in the refrigerator to see if there's something to eat?

Why don't plastic bags open on your first try?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to stop something falling off the table you knock something else off?

Why do we say "It's all right," when someone knocks into us?

Why do we try to keep our houses as warm in winter as it was during the summer when we complained about the heat?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why do people say that they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up 10 times every hour?

Why are you "in" a movie, but you're "on" TV?

Why do people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up at least every two hours?

Why do Americans choose from just two people for President and 50 for Miss America?

Nuisance Calls

Andy Rooney's Tips For Telemarketers & Other Nuisances!

Three Little Words That Work!

(1) The three little words are: "Hold On, Please..." Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.

Then when you eventually hear the phone company's "beep-beep-beep" tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.

These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting.

(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?

This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone. This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a "real"sales person to call back and get someone at home.

What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times, as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!

(3) Junk Mail Help:

When you get "ads" enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these "ads" with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.

When you get those "pre-approved" letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right?

It costs them more than the regular 39 cents postage "IF" and when they receive them back. It costs them nothing if you throw them away! Plus the cost is according to the weight, so why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.

Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send their blank application back!

If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.

You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 39 cents.

The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!

Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea !

If enough people follow these tips, it will work----I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.

Andy Rooney's (60 minutes) ideas.

A question of health

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.
In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming Whoo what a ride".

With BEST wishes for a healthy, serene and fun-filled 2006!!!


Golden Bull Awards - 2003

Every year in the UK the worst examples of gobbledegook win recognition with a Golden Bull award. Here are 10 of the prime examples from 2003.

1. US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld for: "Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know." (Not so much funny as extremely worrying.)

2. Arnold Schwarzenegger for: "I think that gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman."

3. Jungle.com, for its reply when asked if it sold blank CDs: "We are currently in the process of consolidating our product range to ensure that the products that we stock are indicative of our brand aspirations. As part of our range consolidation we have also decided to revisit our supplier list and employ a more intelligent system for stock acquisition. As a result of the above certain product lines are now unavailable through jungle.com, whilst potentially remaining available from more mainstream suppliers." (That's a no, then?)

4. Lloyds Pharmacy for a letter of apology: "The cognitive process that staff will go through when interpreting prescriptions and selecting drugs is almost intuitive in that the prescription will be read, a decision is then made in the mind of the individual concerned, they will then make a selection based on what they have decided. When an error is made either mentally or in the physical selection process it is difficult for the individual concerned to detect their own error because in their own mind they have made the correct selection."

5. Marks and Spencer for a label on a roast chicken salad: "Now with roast chicken"

6. SMEG for a fridge instruction booklet: "At this point you must press contemporary the P1+P2 buttons and then this phase the writing 'Time to end' flashes up.'
· 'This allows to make function the dishwasher at the time you want. By pressing one after the oter button DELAY PROGRAM (5), it will be seen on the display the vizualisation of delay hours numbers in which you want to make start the machine from 12 hours onward.'
· 'The display will be turned on with a vizualisation that will depend on the state of the dishwasher.'
· 'By pressing the relative button of desired program (see table) it will lid up the relative pilot light to confirm that the operation did occurred on the DISPLAY (9) will appear a program duration forecasting ('h.mm')."

7. The Social Fund maternity and funeral expenses (general) regulations, for: "For the purposes of these Regulations, a person shall be treated as a member of a polygamous relationship where, but for the fact that the relationship includes more than two persons, he would be one of a married or unmarried couple.' 'In these Regulations, unless the context otherwise requires, any reference to a numbered regulation is a reference to the regulation bearing that number in these regulations and any reference in a regulation to a numbered paragraph is a reference to the paragraph of that regulation bearing that number.'

8. Standard Life for a trust deed: " 'THE SETTLER HEREBY ASSIGNS unto the Original Trustees who, by their execution hereof accept the position of trustees, each of the policy or policies, particulars whereof are set out in the Schedule hereto, and the monies assured thereby and all other monies which may become payable in respect of the said policy or policies of assurance BUT ALWAYS EXCLUDING any policy or policies which may constitute a Protected Rights Fund of the Standard Life Appropriate Personal Pension Scheme or the Standard Life Stakeholder Pension Scheme (hereinafter referred to as 'the Policies') to hold the same unto the Original Trustees upon the irrevocable trusts hereinafter declared concerning the same."

9. Warburtons bakery for an advert in The Grocer: "With a launch burst of 550 TVRs - and £34m in 'premiumisation' opportunities - we're confident you'll rise to the challenge."

10. Yousef El-Deiry for an article in JMC airline's Intercom magazine: "As we enter the last third of the summer season, we are faced with a period of operation, which is historically characterised by pre-maturity, both in terms of psychological wind-down and shedding of temporary staff. 'Once bitten, twice shy,' and history shows that our bridges can so easily be burnt and the strength of current position lost, if we allow this malice to gather momentum. The irony is that, it is in the latter stages of a race or championship that fortunes are made or lost, and where heroes are born or die, and we should be in no doubt that; 'it ain't over until the fat lady sings'." Mr El-Deiry continued for a further seven paragraphs, and in accepting his award in good humour said: "What's a little cliché amongst colleagues? There is truth in every cliché: worse things happen at sea, when it rains it pours an even a blind squirrel finds an acorn once in a while."

Driving in India

This was sent to me by James.

(An article by a Dutch national who spent two years in India)

For the benefit of every Tom, Dick and Harry visiting India and daring to drive on Indian roads, I am offering a few hints for survival.

They are applicable to every place in India except Bihar, where life outside a vehicle is only marginally safer. Indian road rules broadly operate within the domain of karma where you do your best, and leave the results to your insurance company.

Do we drive on the left or right of the road?

The answer is "both".

Basically you start on the left of the road, unless it is occupied. In that case, go to the right, unless that is also occupied. Then proceed by occupying the next available gap, as in chess. Just trust your instincts, ascertain the direction, and proceed. Adherence to road rules leads to much misery and occasional fatality. Most drivers don't drive, but just aim their vehicles in the intended direction. Don't get discouraged. Except for a belief in reincarnation, the other drivers are not in any better shape.

Don't stop at pedestrian crossings just because some fool wants to cross the road. You may do so only if you enjoy being bumped in the back. Pedestrians have been strictly instructed to cross only when traffic is moving slowly or has come to a dead stop because some minister is in town. Still some idiot may try to wade across, but then, let us not talk ill of the dead.

Blowing your horn is not a sign of protest as in some countries. We honk to express joy, resentment, frustration, and romance or just activate a dozing cow in the middle of the bazaar.

Keep informative books in the glove compartment. You may read them during traffic jams, while awaiting the chief minister's motorcade, or waiting for the rainwater to recede when over-ground traffic meets underground drainage.

Occasionally you might see what looks like a UFO with blinking colored lights and weird sounds emanating from within. This is an illuminated bus, full of happy pilgrims singing bhajans. These pilgrims go at break-neck speed, seeking contact with the Almighty, often meeting with success.

Auto Rickshaw, (Baby Taxi). The result of a collision between a rickshaw and an automobile, this three-wheeled vehicle works on an external combustion engine that runs on a mixture of kerosene oil and creosote or even cooking gas. This triangular vehicle carries iron rods, gas cylinders or passengers three times its weight and dimension, for an unspecified fare. After careful geometric calculations, children are folded and packed into these auto-rickshaws until some children in the periphery are not in contact with the vehicle at all. Then their school bags are pushed into the microscopic gaps all round, so those minor collisions with other vehicles on the road cause no permanent damage. Of course, the peripheral children are charged half the fare and also learn Newton's laws of motion enroute to school. Auto-rickshaw drivers follow the road rules depicted in the film Benhur, and are licensed to break all laws of physics.

Mopeds. The moped looks like an oil tin on wheels and makes noise like an electric shaver. It runs 30 miles on a teaspoon of petrol and travels at break-bottom speed. As the sides of the road are too rough for a ride, the moped drivers tend to drive in the middle of the road. They would rather drive under heavier vehicles instead of around them and are often "mopped" off the tarmac.

Leaning Tower of Passes. Most bus passengers are given free passes and during rush hours, there is absolute mayhem. There are passengers hanging off other passengers, who in turn hang off the railings and the overloaded bus leans dangerously, defying laws of gravity but obeying laws of surface tension. As drivers get paid for overload (so many rupees per kg of passenger), no questions are ever asked. Steer clear of these buses by a width of three passengers.

One-way Street: These boards are put up by traffic people to add jest in their otherwise drab lives. Don't stick to the literal meaning and proceed in one direction. In metaphysical terms, it means that you cannot proceed in two directions at once. So drive, as you like, in reverse throughout, if you are the fussy type.

Lest I sound hypercritical, I must add a positive note. Rash and fast driving in residential areas has been prevented by providing "speed breakers", two per house. This mound, incidentally, covers the water and drainage pipes for that residence and is left un-tarred for easy identification by the corporation authorities, should they want to recover the pipe for year-end accounting.

Night driving on Indian roads can be an exhilarating experience (for those with the mental makeup of Chenghis Khan). In a way, it is like playing Russian roulette, because you do not know who amongst the drivers is loaded. What looks like premature dawn on the horizon usually turns out to be a truck attempting a speed record? On
encountering it, just pull partly into the field adjoining the road until the phenomenon passes.

Our roads do not have shoulders, but occasional boulders. Do not blink your lights expecting reciprocation. The only dim thing in the truck is the driver, and with the peg of illicit arrack (alcohol) he has had at the last stop, his total cerebral functions add up to little more than naught.

Truck drivers are the James Bonds of India, and are licensed to kill. Often you may encounter a single powerful beam of light about six feet above the ground. This is not a super motorbike, but a truck approaching you with a single light on, usually the left one. It could be the right one, but never get too close to investigate. You may prove your point posthumously. Of course, all this occurs at night, on the trunk roads. During the daytime, trucks are more visible, except that the drivers will never signal. (And you must watch for the absent signals; they are the greater threat). You will often observe that the cleaner who sits next to the driver, projecting his hand out and waving hysterically. This is definitely not to be construed as a signal for a left turn. The waving is just a statement of physical relief on a hot day.

If, after all this, you still want to drive in India, have your lessons Between 11 pm and 4 am - when the police have gone home and - the citizen is then free to enjoy the Freedom of Speed' enshrined in our constitution.

PS. Having said all this, it is also true that the accident rate and related deaths are less in India compared to US and other countries.

(The author's last stop in India was Hyderabad. We are yet to get a confirmation whether he is reunited with his family in Holland.)